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Inlaws don't like me(150 Posts)
Been with DH for 8 years. Went through a financial crisis recently which put us under a lot of strain.
Then during an argument, DH blurts out that his family criticise me and he often has to defend me. Things they said about me include: that I've 'got it easy' and should get a job (I'm a SAHM to 2 toddlers who is actually struggling with the role).
I (naively) thought his family really liked me! Until now I had no reason to think otherwise. So I emailed them (politely) and asked them to clarify if it was true. They confirmed that they did say those things.
Now I'm worried. DH is a mommy's boy and loves his family fiercly. He hates me at the moment. I'm afraid they could push him into hating me more, and could crumble our marriage. There is, after all, only so much 'defending' DH can do (I'm upset that he even has to).
So basically my question to you guys is: If your inlaws don't like you, does it spell curtains for the marriage?
Any good at maths, OP? You could do an AAT - law comes in handy in accountancy - which could lead onto accountancy qualifications.There are jobs out there, inc in schools for when your DC are older.
And you like studying...
I have read both of your threads and I just can't understand how there is ever going to be any progression within your relationship if you carry on like this.
Your husband sounds so immature, the argument and subsequent contact with the in-laws is not great. But there seems to be a fundamental problem with you and your husband not agreeing on the basics.
If you can't get that right I would just start planning to leave now.
I have two children the same age as you, have been a SAHM, now back at work - and I am SO grateful for it. It's tough!
On your other thread someone suggested leaving him to the childcare for a couple of days, he will then understand what your day is like.
My husband never once questioned the house looking insane at the end of the day, in both of our minds the children are the priorities, sometimes the house was tidy, more often it wasn't and we would pitch in together after bedtime to sort it out. That's what a partnership is.
You can ask to be admitted so that you can get help, and your husband would be expected to look after the children. A doctor would need to agree that this is necessary.
It could help you, because you'd get counselling, and support, and you obviously don't have any support at home. But it's likely that he won't have changed when you get released, and that's a big problem. I don't know how you fix that.
Employment and the in-laws aside, your husbands lack of ability to support you through your depression is horrific. It's such a horrid illness, and you really need support and patience and help. Instead you've got someone behaving like a rather malicious third child, sulking and generally making life harder.
Is your GP supportive? Do you know where your local mental health services are based?
You did drag his parents into it, he shouldnt have told you what they sais but likely did so in anger. Actually involving them in the argument was your oung and what children do.
Spousal maintainence is rare nowadays and you didnt give up a career for him as you have already said you have never worked!
Oh lovely this makes me so sad, life isn't about wanting to feel numb, about just existing. It's about laughing, and loving.
It's not sounding like there's much of that in your life at the moment.
The ILs are not the problem. We all can see that. Being a sahm doesn't give you much gratification especially if your toddlers like mine;
Toast cut into squares not triangles
Butter on his sandwich, which he didn't want
Tidied a toy away he wanted
.... That's just today.
But it should come from your dh and I think he's massively letting you down as well as missing the contribution you are making
A couple of points about you working -
(1) You and dh need to do the same total amount of work, including paid work, childcare, housework. You shouldn't expect to go out to work and still do all the housework.
(2) your salary doesn't need to cover childcare costs - the children are a joint responsibility and childcare comes out of your joint income. Your dh needs childcare while he works too, and if he can't get it for free he has to pay for it. Obviously this may mean that your joint income decreases if you work, but if dh is so insistent you work, he'll have to put up with that
So (when he deigns to talk to you again) it may be worth pointing out that you'd love to work and are seriously considering it, but has he realised that this will mean that his workload will increase, and your joint income may drop?
And I'd try to leave your ILs out of it. You don't have to be talking with them at all, do you? Ignore, ignore, ignore.
If you work evenings the DCs are in bed by then. How does that show him that childcare isn't a picnic?
I take it he likes clean clothes, nice meals and a happy home life. I assume during Mon to Fri you take on day to day domestic stuff so he doesn't have to do his job then come home to a bearpit. Then how do you share childcare and chores at weekends?
Earlier I suggested sitting down and methodically going through outgoings and figure out how you and he can manage if you look for work. It might wait until your eldest starts pre-school. But you can plan ahead. Assure him you are pulling your weight. Ask him if he has any better ideas.
You mentioned the age gap. He can't have been immune to the satisfaction of having a lovely bright younger partner when you began dating. More than 'eye candy' of course I am not suggesting it wasn't a marriage of equals. Now he is feeling his age and the weight however wanted of 2 small DCs plus unwaged wife. He feels cross and embarrassed at having been caught whinging to his parents. Sulking is neither attractive nor sexy so I don't know what he thinks he'll gain. Perhaps for all you know, they ticked him off for being so wet as to throw what they may have uttered in a moment of 'there, there son' sympathy at you during a row.
In a nutshell both of you feel got at and undervalued. Any chance of a babysitter and a calm talk somewhere away from home and DCs?
Before this escalates any further, wave a white flag of truce and parlay - not surrender - and talk to him.
Any good at maths, OP?
No. I'm dyslexic. Absolutely terrible at maths. I've just made a new work-focused thread here
^Child maintainence wont give you enough money for you and two children to live on. Its there towards the children but both parnts are expected to support them.
My friend is in a situation where she may be splitting with her husband. She is also a SAHM and is entitled to maintenence for the kids AND herself. It's deffo enough to live on (£2k per month for her). We phoned citizens advice.^
You can't manage on 50k plus, yet you think you could on 24k? How? And you're also trusting the CAB rather than a solicitor? Risky, at best: as you know (I also have a law degree, and from an extremely good university - and I did study family law specifically, so I promise you equity and trusts is only relevant to a share in the family home) law moves so fast the textbooks are outdated within 3 years and the CAB are advisors, not solicitors. Spousal maintenance would very possibly apply while your kids are preschool, but where wives are young and the marriage relatively short, and where there is not much money in the pot, even without extensive work history the current expectation is that you will support yourself as soon as possible, and provision is generally calculated with that in mind. It's not assumed that the father should support the woman in an ongoing capacity as it was 20 years ago, and if the CAB told you otherwise then all I can say is you should check their information before making any life-altering decisions on it - and your friend needs to do the same.
With 2 degrees you are absolutely employable, if you want to be. You might need to start by volunteering or interning, to gain experience, but of course you're employable. Studying and then having kids isn't sitting on benefits - you've been using the time constructively.
I think you really, really need to work. I think you have to for your own sanity, and I am really glad you've started a thread on that front. I also think you need to start counselling for yourself and also for the relationship (bluntly I would think any sexual issues are symptomatic rather than causal from what you say) and I would at the least post in Legal here to clarify your financial situation, because I do not think your assumption that you'd get long term ongoing maintenance for yourself is correct. How well educated is your friend, and what is her work history? It's meant to be a bridge, not a lifestyle.
Hang on in there. The early toddler years are so hard - you'll almost certainly find paid employment far easier in many ways, given your academic success.
BerthatheBogCleaner's post is spot on, IMO.
what a mess! I'm really sorry to say this but you both sound like kids. In fact, everybody sounds like kids.
He makes a childish jab at you while you are arguing: 'my parents don't like you!' (pulease!!)
You immediately email parents, asking 'is this true'
She emails back saying 'yes it is. You should pull your weight'
How old is he? He sounds about 9.
What's she doing wading in to an argument between a man and his wife
What were you doing involving his parents? Yes he made a childish jibe: sort it out between you.
and btw if a therapist 'tells' you to do something then the therapist has got it wrong. or you're hearing the therapist wrong. A therapist doesn't 'tell' a client to do anything. If your therapist is 'telling' you to do things then get rid and get a therapist who
isn't codependent knows their stuff and has effective supervision .
Some of your posts are along the lines of 'he did it first waaah'. Please, you are parents - argue like adults. What are you teaching your kids? The insults you fling at one another - are the kids within earshot?
Totally agree with happychick
Stuff what his parents think. Who cares? If you spend your time making decisions based on what other people think, then you may as well just do what they tell you.
If you get another email from mil, just say that you're sorry for involving them and that it is actually none of their business so sorry again for involving them in your marriage.
You need to be thicker skinned with your oh. If he criticises you again, tell him he would find it hard to be a sahp too and that he should be more supportive. Then ignore any other negative crap that comes out of his mouth.
Meanwhile, you're clearly clever. Bar work isn't really going to get you very far. Aim higher. A lot higher.
Why not think of a role you'd like to work in - research it properly so you are sure it's something you'll do unlike your law degree - and start laying some foundations now.
You could research the roles in your chosen area fully. investigate more study if necessary. Get a few books from Amazon on it.
How old are you? Grad training schemes could still be an option. I mean two firsts are very impressive. Don't waste them in bar work.
Don't look to others for approval. It's pointless. If you want to work and change your financial situation then start casting about.
Don't underestimate the influence a manipulative in law can have. My in laws secretly poisoned my DH's mind against me from the day we married. I thought they liked me too
2 faced gits!
They chipped away at him for 3 years. I wondered why he was always in a foul mood when he'd visited them without me! Anyway we eventually separated & it all came out & when we got back together they were openly aggressive towards me in front of the DCs & I'm glad to say he manned up & threw them out of the house.
Your DH needs to realise that you & the DCs are his immediate family. Not them. They are his extended family & not his priority & he needs to tell them it is not acceptable for them to bitch about you to him. End of.
It sounds like the op's oh has been bitching about her to his parents though.
Yes mutual moaning & sympathising thus making OP the bad guy!
With 2 degrees you are absolutely employable
Not what people have said here.
Yes he made a childish jibe: sort it out between you.
I didn't believe him, because his family have always been friendly and lovely to my face. I wasn't expecting them to confirm that they actually said those things!
Stuff what his parents think. Who cares?
To answer your Q - DH carees. He's a mommy's boy.
Bar work isn't really going to get you very far. Aim higher. A lot higher.
Can't think of many jobs that I can squeeze around DH's hours. I also suffer from crippling anxiety, so I'm worried that a 'high powered job' would bring me to my knees.
Why do you have to work around your husband's hours? You could pay for childcare out of your joint wage given that it is a joint expense. I also agree working out of the home would be a good move for you, you sound very intelligent but very frustrated, and depression/anxiety is always worse if you are stuck at home. That's why I don't agree a bar job would suit you, I think your brain needs occupying, I think a bar job would just ramp up the arguments/general drama of the whole situation (rushing round to friends in tears, police being called, it all needs damping down).
How about tutoring? There is a lot of call for tutors depending where you live and you could get them to come to you or tutor at night in your degree subjects (or even what you did at A level).
Having said that, I don't think you should work extra on top of being a SAHM to two very small children. That is a job in itself and very tiring. I would only think getting work would benefit you if it replaced some of the time you spend at home with the children.
And I'd just like to clarify, I don't think you should work, I think you might benefit from working out of the home. I have, I enjoyed a year or so at home, I am very glad I restarted my career when I did, I also think I avoided getting very depressed by doing so. SAHM is a very valuable role, but it is not for everyone and I wouldn't do it again in a million years!
So what if your dh cares? He's a mummy's boy so hardly valid an opinion then is it?
You're very good at negativity aren't you? Very quick to dismiss any suggestions.
That's why I don't agree a bar job would suit you, I think your brain needs occupying
I think there's some truth in that. I'm a writer at heart. But obviously that's a pie-in-the-sky job. I'm currently writing a book as a means of intellectual exercise.
So what if your dh cares? He's a mummy's boy so hardly valid an opinion then is it?
I have to live with him.
I have to live with him.
Eh no you done't have to do anything you don't want to do
Op, why don't you talk to your husband, call a truce and see what you can arrange? Even putting children in a nursery for a couple of mornings a week might give you the break you clearly need.
It is hard with little ones, I am a sahm, but my dh is very supportive. However I am looking at ways to earn money all the time, blogs, I know a few mums who sell cards or have coffee mornings to raise money for a local hospice, run toddler groups etc.
I think he has spoken to his parents, which is fine if you have problems, wouldnt you want your dc to talk to you? He shouldn't have told you, but maybe he was trying to illustrate a point - you say you were already arguing. I think you shouldn't have emailed them as it would cause the trouble it has, but its done now. Just apologise and move on- the only thing they could do was ignore your email, which maybe they should of. Why didnt you just call them?
Bar work is not the only option, and tbh it's not easy and very tiring, plus badly paid. Could you do tutoring in the evenings? Or approach companies interested in your degree, through direct mail, linked in, consultantcy - and arrange childcare should anything come up?
Why is writing pie in the sky?
Why not find out more about it?
Do you love it? Are you any good? Do you need professional input e.g. Curtis Brown in London run creative writing workshops.
Is this something you could pursue a bit more?
I think if you felt fulfilled a d mentally challenged, you wouldn't give a stuff what your in laws think and your oh would belt up too.
However, sahm role is really important too but it's not for everyone and you could be laying foundations for your writing.
I have written (a lot) with small children around. It is doable. But you need to agree this course of action with your husband, and try to lift your terrible depression and anxiety as at the moment it is running you and not the other way around. Good luck OP.
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