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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can he force me to be a SAHM?

85 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:15

As you're probably aware after my previous thread my DH is a jerk to me. He is however good with our kids. Anyway, I've been a SAHM since our eldest was born in July 2010. When then had another in Dec 2011.

DH thinks 'I have it easy' and that I am 'lazy'. He resents me being a SAHM. Yet whenever I try to bring up the topic of me working, he won't discuss it. My wage wouldn't cover childcare.

So am I trapped into being a SAHM? I am so desperately low. I can't do this anymore. With no respect, no appreciation, I just can't do it anymore.

My GP has boosted my antidepressants from 50mg to 100mg. I have a HV coming on Thursday (I've told her I want to return to work).

Am I trapped?

Also am I entitled to job seekers?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 20:09

I'm phoning the Samaritans. I've asked DH to leave for just 30mins so I can make a phone call, and it looks like he's going to.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 20:12

Good.

garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 20:12

See, I also think perhaps your feelings about parenting are all muddled up with being bullied & put down.

You said:
1. What makes you so sure you're a shit mother? I'm starting not to care what happens to the DC
2. Do you hate being a SAHM? Or just being an SAHM with a bullying H? The latter.

This reads like you would be a far more contented mother without H getting in your face about everything.

However, I don't want to push you to feel that, as a woman, you must want to be with your children. Not all women do. Getting some space - and, most importantly, some decent talk - has to be very important for you now.

Wish I could come over, feed you chocolate and give you a good listening-to!

garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 20:13

Oh, good! Well done, you.

Ledkr · 12/04/2013 20:22

Mary - the Samaritans helped me immensely many years ago.
Well done love.

bigbuttons · 12/04/2013 21:21

Every view of yourself at the moment is completely clouded by your depression and being with this man.
What you are feeling is not the truth, I know I have been there, please hold on to that.

CinnabarRed · 12/04/2013 21:25

My brother is a Samaritan - thank you from the bottom of my heart for calling (our DF committed suicide when I was 16 and DB was 13 - I wish he'd called someone).

BranchingOut · 12/04/2013 21:31

I am really alarmed that anyone is advising the op to leave without her children.

What I think you might need is urgent support, possibly in-patient admission.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 22:03

Wow. Bizarre night.

I phoned the Samaritans. They were great. As I was finishing my conversation with them the door bell went. So I answered - it was the police!

Turns out my friend was concerned about me and had phoned the police! I've just spent an hour dealing with them and talking to the 'crisis team'. They checked the kids. Had a word with DH. They've left now, and DH does not look pleased.

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 12/04/2013 22:04

I didn't read all of your previous thread. Is there ANY chance he might be verbally or physically abusive to you now as a result of this?

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 22:05

No idea :(

OP posts:
flaminghoopsaloohlah · 12/04/2013 22:14

Shit and fuck. That was possibly not the best move on your friends part. Your DH's reaction is alarming. OP are you ok?

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 12/04/2013 22:14

Shit and fuck. That was possibly not the best move on your friends part. Your DH's reaction is alarming. OP are you ok?

Ledkr · 12/04/2013 22:19

Op if you feel even the slightest bit scared stay calm and get out as soon as you safely can. Do not antagonise him tonight play it down until you can get through the night safely.
Is is worth pming someone your r name and area in case you need help quickly

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 12/04/2013 22:21

Ledkr speaks sense.

BabylonReturns · 12/04/2013 22:24

Crikey sweetheart you're going through it tonight. What is your rough location? Are you safe?

Possibly not the greatest thing your friend could have done, but out f concern for you and DCs I do understand why.

Please come back and just tell us that you are safe xx

Tortington · 12/04/2013 22:25

you need to leave

Ledkr · 12/04/2013 22:34

Unfortunately I speak from experience Sad

BabylonReturns · 12/04/2013 23:19

OP are you ok?

pigsDOfly · 12/04/2013 23:22

How are you now OP?

Please don't think of leaving without your children. You sound terribly depressed and your GP just throwing more medication at you is not going to deal with your situation.

Sounds to me like you're going round in circles. Forget finding work at the moment. You're priority is to get your depression sorted out. Your DH does sound to be, if not the whole reason for your depression, a huge part of it. You need to be away from him at least until you can see a bit more clearly. You need to concentrate on your health and your children. As others have said WA is the place to start.

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 13/04/2013 08:05

Checking in on you OP. Can you let us know if you're ok?

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 13/04/2013 18:36

I'm okay guys. Thanks for your concern. Nothing has changed with my situation but I'm okay.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/04/2013 18:47

You are depressed and your partner is unsupportive and you have children who will pick up on this
How much clearer can I make it! Your environment is making you feel bad and will continue to make you feel worse. Get your head out of the sand and have a good look at your life, take your children and run. I mean it! Your life will only be worse if you stay.

Ledkr · 13/04/2013 18:50

Thank goodness for that.
Are you going to do anything?
I remember how hard it was to make the decision to end things but I'm just so glad I did. My life is so nice I dread to think how it would have been with him.

MMcanny · 13/04/2013 18:59

Get a job around his work hours to start with? Just to give you something outside of yourself/relationship/home. Have not seen your other threads so no idea why police would be interested. Are you still talking to the friend who phoned them? Do you understand why friend did that?