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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can he force me to be a SAHM?

85 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 17:15

As you're probably aware after my previous thread my DH is a jerk to me. He is however good with our kids. Anyway, I've been a SAHM since our eldest was born in July 2010. When then had another in Dec 2011.

DH thinks 'I have it easy' and that I am 'lazy'. He resents me being a SAHM. Yet whenever I try to bring up the topic of me working, he won't discuss it. My wage wouldn't cover childcare.

So am I trapped into being a SAHM? I am so desperately low. I can't do this anymore. With no respect, no appreciation, I just can't do it anymore.

My GP has boosted my antidepressants from 50mg to 100mg. I have a HV coming on Thursday (I've told her I want to return to work).

Am I trapped?

Also am I entitled to job seekers?

OP posts:
missmaybe · 12/04/2013 18:37

He can't force you to be a SAHM, but you don't seem to want to consider the other options. It actually sounds like it's your choice, but that you're too afraid to leave or rock the boat.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 18:39

she is depressed, and that makes every turn seem impossible. The irony being, of course that her marriage contributes to the depression

MrsTomHardy · 12/04/2013 18:43

Agree with Missmaybe

garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 18:43

Questions:

  1. What makes you so sure you're a shit mother?
  2. Do you hate being a SAHM? Or just being an SAHM with a bullying H?
  3. How good is your independent earning potential?
  4. How are you fixed for supportive friends & family nearby?
  5. Would you prefer not to be a full-time mother? Have you spent any time away from DH and DC since Dec 2011?

Please think about these things rationally. Get some decent listeners to help you work it through - try your HV, GP and Womens Aid, plus any sensible friends you have.

garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 18:46

The answer to your title question is, of course, No he can't force you. But he can make your life (and by extension, DCs') even more miserable if you hang around with him.

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 18:47

Or maybe its not that bad as the OP makes it sound like. She's just fed up with being a SAHM but doesn't want to do anything to change that. Maybe her DH is tired of her whining about it and her unwillingness to do anything about it.

Just speculating here. Does make me want to hear the DH's side of the story.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 18:49

mynewpassion

there are other threads.

just in case she is being abused and is depressed, maybe we should be a bit gentle

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 18:49

you sorry, not we

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 19:01

I have read her other threads and its all the same thing. I am sympathetic and I do understand that she's depressed but I am also giving her husband the benefit of the doubt.

People give her really good advice about coping with two children under two and her choices about her relationship. She doesn't seem to take on board any of these suggestions but continually look at the negative side of things. If she's like this in real life, her husband might be at the end of his rope with her (providing some solutions and her mehing them) and might just take the decision out of her hands by leaving.

Maybe this might be a good thing if he leaves but it doesn't solve the problem of her being a SAHM. That makes me really worry about the children and that's why I suggested that she leave her DH and the children. Let him cope with them while she gets herself better. Its not a great idea but it might be the best idea for the sakes of her children and herself.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 19:02

mynewpassion

it's frustrating I agree. Sometimes people need time, sometimes they only see the negative side because they are depressed. That is what depression does.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:08

At the moment the number of hours I want with my children are zero.

When I see the HV should i mention that ive been having thoughts of ODing? What wpuld happen?

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 19:11

Yes, mention it!

I'm sorry, I can't answer the question about what will happen, but I don't think it will be as bad as you fear.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 19:13

Samaritans

call them. They will be able to answer your question

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:17

I'm a bitch too. It's not all DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:20

Questions:

  1. What makes you so sure you're a shit mother? I'm starting not to care what happens to the DC :(
  2. Do you hate being a SAHM? Or just being an SAHM with a bullying H? The latter.
  3. How good is your independent earning potential? Not very. According to someone in a recent thread I am 'unemployable'.
  4. How are you fixed for supportive friends & family nearby? A few good friends. No family.
  5. Would you prefer not to be a full-time mother? Have you spent any time away from DH and DC since Dec 2011? Never spend any time away.
OP posts:
Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:23

Does make me want to hear the DH's side of the story.

I can try and get him on here. Tonight is not the time though.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:24

That makes me really worry about the children and that's why I suggested that she leave her DH and the children. Let him cope with them while she gets herself better. Its not a great idea but it might be the best idea for the sakes of her children and herself.

I think you're right. Where would I go?

OP posts:
garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 19:25

Yes, mention it! You do sound at the end of your tether, you poor thing.

I agree, the Samaritans are very good listeners. It can often help, just to hear what you yourself are saying iyswim, I've rung them loads in the past.

I'd guess you can be snappy & negative - a bitch, if you like - because you are tired, anxious and nobody listens to you. This gets anyone down, when they have two small DC, let alone a 'dominator' where there should be a partner. Forgive yourself a bit.

You could leave, you know, and let him take care of DC. It may be that you desperately need some proper time to yourself in order to think straight. This is one of the things you can discuss with your HV, the Samaritans, and Womens Aid.

Sending you an internet hug.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 19:26

Thanks garlicyoni where could I leave to?

OP posts:
garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 19:31

Ah, cross-posted :) Thank you for answering!

OK, time to yourself is starting to look very crucial - would you agree? I imagine it's virtually impossible to be a lovely, caring, mindful mother when you also feel completely trapped.

If you were to go to a refuge, they'd help you work out and apply for your entitlements and find a place to live. I'm thinking it's a good idea to ring WA and discuss all this with them. They'd also be able to help you figure out whether to leave by yourself first, then get the kids later.

If you were to leave, how likely is H to suddenly realise he's been an arse? Not very, I'm guessing ... in which case, waiting for a refuge place for you and DC could be the best idea. That way, you'll get the support you need and some clear 'thinking space' to enjoy with your children.

How are you feeling now?

garlicyoni · 12/04/2013 19:32

where could I leave to?

Sofa surfing with a few friends? You'd only need a backpack. Go to Citizen's Advice to find out your position re money, etc ...

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 12/04/2013 19:32

in the thick of it, it is very very hard to see the wood for the trees; OP. You are likely in a fog and sorting out what is wrong in your current state of mind will be difficult. HV, WA and the EA thread are all very good places to start. I have been in a very similar situation to you: sorting it all out in your head and seeibg clearly takes baby steps and time...

CinnabarRed · 12/04/2013 19:41

I'm really sure that leaving your children is not a decision you should contemplate while in the depths of depression. If you did that, it's possible (even probably given your statement that it's not being a SAHM that's the issue per se, but rather being a SAHM with any abusive H) that you would deeply regret it.

The way you've latched onto the idea like a drowning woman makes me even less comfortable.

Phone Women's Aid - find out your options.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 12/04/2013 20:00

They'd also be able to help you figure out whether to leave by yourself first, then get the kids later.

The kids are better off without me.

If you were to leave, how likely is H to suddenly realise he's been an arse? Not very, I'm guessing

Not very at all. He would think I'm even MORE of a bitch. It would make him even more angry.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 12/04/2013 20:08

I agree with Cinnabar

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