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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confronted mum about the heavy clock she aimed at my dad.

32 replies

sh77 · 12/04/2013 12:49

They had a huge row yesterday and she threw a heavy clock in his direction. It missed him and caused a huge dent in the wall, which shows the force. They have been married 38 years unhappily. She is prone extreme rage, which has now tipped over into violence. She hates being confronted and will never accept when she is wrong. I cant stop crying since seeing the dent. I confronted her about it and she started screaming and swearing whilst ds age 2 was present. She stormed off in the car and said she would not be back today. What do i do? I am shaken.

OP posts:

Mosschops30 · 12/04/2013 12:58

Why did you confront her? Shouldn't that be for your dad to do?

tightfortime · 12/04/2013 13:02

I bet you're the strong one in the family, the none who has watched your dad endure this for years? Often the kids end up 'minding' the parents.

But really, this is their business, his row and his mess to walk away from.

I'd try and stay out of it.

missmaybe · 12/04/2013 13:02

Mosschops, if somebody threw a heavy object at me, I'd appreciate the support from other family members feeling that was unacceptable behaviour.

Having said that - interesting point. sh77, does your dad have a history of putting up with abusive behaviour from your mum?

missmaybe · 12/04/2013 13:04

Maybe rather than confronting your mum and having the battle on his behalf, it might be worth talking to your dad privately to offer your support and find out more about how he feels?

Movingtimes · 12/04/2013 13:06

Why did you confront her? Shouldn't that be for your dad to do?

Mosschops, would you ask that if the OP's Dad had thrown a heavy object at her Mum? Personally, I would hope that anyone would intervene if they were aware of someone in their family being abused like this.
OP - you need to talk to your Dad and try to persuade him to seek help.

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 12/04/2013 13:06

Do you live with them, were you visiting or them visiting you? Did you witness the incident?

Firstly, she needs to either behave in front of your DS or you stop seeing her with him, he doesn't need to witness that.

I wouldn't want to get caught between them as this is a well-established dynamic, but at the same time, why should you pretend all is well?

Sorry you are along with this

Mosschops30 · 12/04/2013 13:15

It does sound like a well established dynamic.
It doesn't sound like a DV situation from what OP describes.

Either partner launching stuff at each other to me would be unacceptable. But some relationships are like that.

If the OP is concerned for the safety of her father she should support him and get him to go to suitable support services.
This just sounds like the OP stuck her oar in her parents relationship where it obviously wasn't wanted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/04/2013 13:22

"I cant stop crying since seeing the dent"

Don't cry. It's her that's in the wrong, not you. If your Dad had been injured I'd be suggesting police involvement. As it stands, if he's used to this kind of behaviour, he may not want a fuss but could probably use your support. Has your mother ever received any diagnosis or treatment for MH issues or is she simply very violent and angry?

If she's stormed off and won't be back then keep things that way... it's no loss to you to not have this bizarre woman screaming and shouting in your house. So be strong...

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2013 13:31

Mosschops, this:

She is prone extreme rage, which has now tipped over into violence

sounds EXACTLY like domestic violence to me.

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 12/04/2013 13:32

Mosschops - smashing stuff/throwing stuff is officially regarded as domestic abuse. It is designed to intimidate.

Miggsie · 12/04/2013 13:33

Hi there- you may want to check out the Stately Homes thread - this is a thread devoted to the children of abusive parent(s).

Sounds like your Mum is abusive and controlling, you sympathise with your dad, but he has let her do this to him for years - did you grow up tip toeing round your mum so she wouldn't erupt?

Your tears will be fear for your dad and also I suspect mourning for the mother your mother is not and the emotioanlly draining upbringing you must have had witnessing your parent's unhappiness.

My SIL is like this, my brother never stands up to her- in fact hemakes excuses so she gets worse and worse, both the children are emotionally damaged.

However, your dad has to admit his wife is abusive before he will do anything. As he has had a lifetime of abuse and not standing up for himself he willfind htis very difficult. your grief and anger is manifesting as you ahve moved away from them and now see your mum and their marriage in a clear light.

The ladies on the Stately Homes thread can offer you more support.

EverSoYoni · 12/04/2013 13:42

It sounds like how my parents used to be. Very angry mother who was violent towards me as a child, verbally abusive to my dad and throwing things.

One night she actually attacked him while doing her usual things of hurling stuff through doors and against walls, she stabbed him with a knife.

They're now divorced. Dad is happily remarried and mum generally seems happier and more stable since been on her own. I think you need to talk to your dad in private, though be aware he might not want to talk about it and if he doesn't then you have to respect that.

The screaming and shouting infront of your 2yo is unacceptable and I'd make that clear. I would also never let her look after your dc as she may well lose it one day infront of them when you're not there to remove them from it.

I wouldn't do anything about her storming off, she needs time to calm down. I'd be tempted to text or email though and tell her that she ought to see her GP for professional advice. She either needs counselling /anger management or anti depressants from the sound of it.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2013 13:44

She could have bloody killed him!

Have you spoken to your dad about helping him to leave? He must be miserable.

Mosschops30 · 12/04/2013 13:45

Yes I can see that in most situations it is.
But in a 38 year marriage that has obviously supported this behaviour I'm thinking it's not that issue.

If OP feels she should support her father and help him access services then that's great. 'Confronting' her mother is not the answer

Fairenuff · 12/04/2013 13:48

Do you live with them?

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 12/04/2013 13:49

Mosschops - just because it is a long relationship doesn't change what it is.

My point was the op probably has little hope of changing this abusive relationship due to how long it has been happening.

I don't understand why you think it isn't domestic violence, it is clearly violence happening in a domestic setting.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2013 13:54

Mosschops - length of time does not mean that this is not abuse. What bizarre reasoning.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2013 20:27

Very strange posts from you, Mosschops. They're along the lines of "He's put up with it so long it doesn't really matter" - would you post like that if a woman had a bad relationship for so long?

Original poster

sh77 · 12/04/2013 20:34

Thank you all for such interesting insights and advice, including mosschops. It never occurred to me that i was interfering. I hope that if i was ever in the same situation, that there would be someone to help me.

We grew up with her rages. I remember her throwing a yellow pages in my face out of rage when i was very young. She does not throw things generally but she did because my dad stood up to her verbal abuse. I intervened when i heard things banging. I am visiting and have to leave tomorrow. I fear for him. I have told him enough is enough. I hope he leaves her.

She did return after 2 hours in drama queen mode. She was crying saying that she was driving at 120 on the motorway and got stopped by the police as she nearly crashed. Clever. I cannot believe she was expecting sympathy.

Yes, we have tried suggesting anger management and gp but she point blank refuses to accept there is anything wrong with her. She is the most vicious woman i have ever encountered. Not once in her life has she said sorry. She is beyond help. My siblings cannot stand her. My dad says he tolerated her because of us. I feel so sad for him but angry that he wasted his life on her. I am estranged from her due to a similarly bad incident i gad eith her - she threatened to smash a photo frame in my face. I cut ties with her but tried to get along in the past few weeks as my brother was getting married.

What scares me the most us how normsl she acts after these outbursts. She is fully capable of really harming someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

sh77 · 12/04/2013 20:41

Mosschops - the clock was aimed directly at him from what i can tell. If she was just aiming stuff at the floor, i would agree with you. However, her language has become very violent and i guessed her next move would be to inflict violence. It was a violent act. I told her that she could have killed him and she said she will if he speaks to her again like that again.

OP posts:

EverSoYoni · 12/04/2013 20:42

She sounds exactly like my mum. It's like a switch been flicked on and off. Once she's calmed down she acts like nothing's happened and is then suprised if people are pissed off with her.

Snazzynewyear · 12/04/2013 20:46

I wouldn't want someone like this around young DC of mine. If you can stop seeing her again in a few weeks that's as well. Can you encourage your dad to seek counselling so he can talk about this?

Original poster

sh77 · 12/04/2013 20:47

So true everso. Would you mind telling me how you helped your dad and how he managed to walk away? Did your mum receive help?

OP posts:

EverSoYoni · 12/04/2013 20:51

Well he found out that mum was having an affair, the atmosphere was getting worse. Mum told dad to get himself a girlfriend so he did. Mum got dumped by her other man so she told dad to dump his girlfriend. He didn't want to and mum went crazy. Dad was scared for his life and left the house that night and never went back.

Mums never got help.....I do believe she was genuinely unhappy in her marriage which wouldn't have helped her mood swings. She seems better most of the time now. Still a nasty person.

edam · 12/04/2013 20:57

sh77, do you think there's any prospect of your Dad leaving your Mother? It sounds horribly dangerous for him. Councils have domestic abuse services - would he talk to his local one, if you got hold of them, do you think?

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