Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

[ArcaneAsylum]

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

However, before when you listed all of his bad traits I couldn't help thinking why did you risk having a baby with such an awful person then? Not being funny just linking to the above argument.

Not only did you risk it OP. You decided to go ahead with the risk by not taking the morning after pill - which you can get over the counter now. Remember this was your decision alone.

OP, heed what Beryl says about the consequences of having a lifetime involvement.

I think every child has a right to have access to their father, but not if there is risk inolved. In this case, if he's a drug user, there is risk and therefore OP you should be gathering evidence now so that if he does seek overnight contact you can be sure you can protect your baby through a legal route. It's time to grow up love.

Sanctimumious, I had only read the first page when I posted, not realising there was pages of people kicking off.

In any case I believe it is a tragedy for both parents and child in these situations. The man is stuck between a rock and a hard place, the woman is obliged to accept the fathers rights no matter what an ass he is, and the child is caught in the middle with a half assed father who may or may not let them down for their whole life. It would probably be better (unless the dad was totally involved, paid support and stayed friends with the mum) if the dad didn't care and kept totally away and mum provided for the child alone but there's humans involved so it is rarely that simple.

Good luck OP. I hope things work out but please remember it is his child exactly as much as it is yours and when you made the choice to keep the baby you made the choice to open the door to your life for this man.

stuffing thanks for clarifying - that's different if you are prepared to tell her what she wants to know.

Taking the morning after pill is not something that is like popping a smartie. It's a strong drug and it is hard on the body. I don't like to see it all on women, take the pill, take the morning after pill, have an abortion pro-choice, but abortion shouldn't exist to giv emen a licence to be sloppy with contraception. i took the map once and i wouldn't want to do it again. It's a big deal. it's not a cod liver oil capsule.

Oh for goodness' sake, this has turned into a full on 'bitch-slapping' in the playground hasn't it? Trust me when I say that the father of the child needs no pity, he was utterly in the wrong for harassing me to have sex in the first place when my first (and many times after) response was NO. But I take full responsibility for giving in, it was my choice but believe me it is not a mistake I shall make again.

I have stated before that I do not like taking medication unless it is because I am ill. I would never take the morning after pill, nor would I take the pill as a form of contraception. The thought of using abortion as a method of contraception is abhorrent to me. I respect the rights of every woman to make these choices for herself. If you had bothered to read my earlier post, you would know this wondering. An additional side note, I also dislike people who use 'love' to address someone they don't know. But you nicely pulled off the patronising tone that you were obviously aiming for. Congratulations.

Now would I be reasonable in asking those that wish to discuss the ins and outs of my fertility/choice of contraception/choice in men/life choices to do so elsewhere so that I can actually read the useful advice some people are trying to offer? I do hate having to read through your drivel to get to the valid points. Might I suggest that you set up a thread of your own where you can all discuss how I am all to blame to your heart's content?

Perhaps I could get you started with other aspects of my life that you might see fit to discuss:

1. I had frosted shreddies for breakfast (think of all the refined sugar!)
2. I once drank so much wine on a NYE that I spent the first moments of the new year bringing it all back up again into a bucket.
3. I can pop my shoulder blades out, which no human being I have met so far can do (it's actually my party trick). Perhaps I'm a witch?

Off you trot.

Oh, and thank you to those who have actually provided me with sensible comments or advice. I have taken them on board and I'm proceeding carefully with respects to the father. I wasn't asking anyone for sympathy for myself, the baby or the 'tragedy' of our circumstances: I wanted sensible adult advice about how to handle what is a bit of a complex situation.

I soooo want to meet you!! You rock

De lurking to cheer you on Arcane. Your last post was a work of art. It never ceases to amaze me how other women can be. Good Luck with your new arrival. Motherhood will bring you much laughter, joy, sadness and tears, but you wont want it any other way!

It's so much nicer when people can wish each other well. And it is genuinely appreciated!

Good luck hun, I know you don't take this lightly & will love being a Mum

Ignore the patronising - got a lot of that and 'think of he poor baby!' when I first posted for advice here too. My dad recently pointed out that by the time DD is starting school roughly half of her peers parents will be separated anyway, so she will not feel like a 'poor baby' and will probably not have witnessed some potentially damaging squalls between her family.

IME men usually hit and run in these situ's - my ex was also moving to Spain apparently btw, then turned it around saying I was FORCING him to leave the UK . So just prepare for a bumpy ride over the next year and everything should become clearer on where you stand and where he wants to be.

Hand to hold here and feel free to pm :)

Thanks Stuffing , there does seem to be a lot of concern about the 'poor baby' doesn't there? There are far worse situations for a child to be in. I think that any child is lucky to have at least one loving parent.

Arcane, you are fabulous! I think I love you

Oh please, do me a favour

Plenty of kids are born into a situation where both parents are involved but it doesn't mean they'll be loved or cared for.

This baby has a strong mum who'll obviously love it to bits and that's all it needs.

I didn't realize some people still thought we got ourselves pregnant!

OP, are you the next vrigin mary?

*virgin haha

Great post, Arcane. I'm sorry I don't have any experience or advice to offer, but I do want to say that I'm massively impressed by you and quite excited for you and the baby at the thought of the adventures you're going to have together. Here, have more flowers

(I did exactly what you have done by the way and things are looking a lot better 3 years on! You have so much to be excited for & this numpty will be missing out more than he'll ever know if he carries on the way he does so just leave him to it. Good luck for everything)!

Good for you, Arcane.

Arcane can you please tell me why you didn't take the morning after pill?

Was it really because you didn't take pills out of principle?

If not, how can you say you made a mistake that you immediately regretted and still continue with the pregnancy?

Your post at 16:01 makes me think you still have a lot of growing up to do. I don't think I can reasonably discuss things with anyone that thinks that posters discussions are 'drivel'. I wish you well but don't trash our advice out of stubbornness.

You're not giving advice though are you wondering

You've not added anything constructive yet. Just gone on about something that can't be changed now & ill only serve to make the OP feel shitter than she already does.

It's none of your bees wax why she didn't take the MAP really is it?
She's pregnant now & is looking for practical advice.

*will

Arcane,

I found this thread after posting on your other one.

I just wanted to add here that my circumstances were similar to yours two years ago and I also had to deal with unpleasant comments from people who were far more interested in gossiping about my pregnancy than offering advice.

I loved your last post. Good on you.

Ignore people who just want to Hoik their judgey pants so high they'll give themselves piles. Take care of yourself.

Two years on, no one asks me and no one cares.

What's important is the gorgeous baby you'll have and love.

I have a friend who is 20 years on from the moment you are in now. Her son is amazing, well rounded and fantastic and though his "father" has dipped in and out of his life, he has a brilliant relationship with his mum.

Pm me if you want to chat.

Wondering, the OP has very clearly explained why she would not take contraceptive pills, the morning after pill or abort.

You are being utterly ridiculous.

The man had sex with her - almost against her will - and then calls her a sperm thief?

Do you seriously think women should have to take heavy drugs after a mistake where neither party use contraception, against her own code, otherwise it is completely her fault she is pregnant? I've never read so much nonsense.

Continuing a pregnancy that happens after two people make a mistake is not the same as trying to fall pregnant in the first place.

She's looking after his sperm, not fricken stealing it.

I had a baby that was conceived with someone I later left/asked to leave because he became abusive.

I told him that I did not want anything from him, just to be left alone.

I think if someone is financially motivated then appealing to that side of their character can be effective at keeping them away.

I don't advocate trying to keep someone away too keenly unless they are really unpleasant though. If they are a proper git then really, it's gloves off and do be aware that asking him for dosh will likely keep him involved on some level.

If you can manage without then I'd recommend that - if having a fuckwitted narcissistic bastard in your child's life is the price for having the financial security the child deserves, then I'd go without

The morning after pill isn't such a big deal and would have enabled her to choose a decent man with whom she could bring another human being into the world.