Really fed up with DH - mid life crisis type post - long

[BoffinMum]

So, DH has a long history of being a bit of a grumpy old sod at home more often than not when it suits him, and lying in bed at every opportunity (at the weekend it's usually more or less all morning, plus at least a 2 hour nap in the afternoons, plus slipping upstairs for a bit more of a lie down at regular intervals whenever I am not looking). I have pointed out he is doing less and less with us as a family, that we have become a very stereotypically gendered household in some respects, and that he might be depressed but he replies:

1. No he isn't, He is just tired.
2. He works hard and commutes to London (NB I also have a full time job and commute to London, he replies his commute is half an hour longer each way and I get to work from home sometimes).
3. He needs more sleep than me.
4. He does some of the washing and cooks once a week or so.
5. He earns more than me which makes his job more important to propping up the lifestyle of the family.
6. Two weekends out of three in term time he takes the older two to the local station on a Saturday morning to get the train to school (20 minutes there and back, then he goes back to bed).

(I have posted on here in the past about the rampant hypochondria linked to the lie downs, but luckily that has now diminished to more or less tolerable proportions since encouraged by MN I told him to man up and that there was nothing wrong with him, although he did strut about in front of our Christmas day guests with a thermometer thingy in his ear at one stage, so the hypochondria has obv not gone completely).

Now he lost his dad a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral was yesterday. I have been doing all the necessary propping up and wifely support that you would expect and which is only right. However his reaction to this is like an extreme version of his normal-lying-in-bed-complaining-all-the-time-not-doing-much-with-the-family. When his mum died a few years back it was also extreme. I think it's probably not an exaggeration to say that he copped out of family life for an entire year on that occasion (I remember speaking to relatives about it for advice at the time, I was so exhausted and fed up). I had five, repeat five bereavements of my own during the same period, including one of my closest, dearest relatives, but they were more or less ignored because he was so wrapped up in himself and his own grief.

I am really worried I am facing another year or so of doing all the heavy lifting for the family emotionally and domestically while he disappears into his psychological defence cave. I am not sure I have anything left to give. Over the last year or so I have felt suffocated by his moods and needs for lie downs, absolutely suffocated, and imprisoned in the house while we wait for him to wake up/get up/get dressed/get washed and join in. It's like we are all perpetually in limbo, and when we do get out, he's such a wet weekend it's no fun any more. I struggle to do the whole thing on my own as my mobility isn't the best.

He never volunteers to take the kids to the park, play with them or anything - if I don't nag him or do it myself the 3YO would basically spend all weekend indoors more or less entertaining himself, and the older ones would just sit in their rooms. He does however run around in a complete frenzy on a Sunday evening at 9pm in an attempt to find their PE kits and get them to complete their homework, at which time we are all completely frazzled frankly.

When he is at home, DH disappears off regularly and if he's not in bed, after half an hour or so he will appear and say things like 'well, I've tidied the kids's rooms/tidied our rooms/put everything away' very proudly, when the reality is that this is a 5 minute job stretched out to 30 as I have already usually spent the morning on domestic tasks, and he is actually multi tasking in the most inefficient way possible - dabbling about doing a bit of a job here, a bit of a job there, never quite finishing anything, criticising the way I organise the house. If he runs out of these pointless domestic tasks to occupy himself, that's when he goes off to lie in bed for a bit, rather than do something with the kids.

I have tried playing his lying in bed game as well, to see what happens, but basically the kids just end up rather neglected and start fighting, and he gets even grumpier.

I am really exhausted with all this. It is not what I got married for, tbh. I have just snapped at him and told him to 'see a fucking counsellor FFS' and while I apologised straight afterwards, he has now driven off in a sulk to get away from the house. I am not getting what I need emotionally from this marriage at the moment, at all.

Oh dear, what on earth do other people do in this situation?

Boffin

It's hard for any of us to know exactly what is going on.

When you say you have talked to him about all of this, does that mean you have sat him down and had a serious conversation ( along the lines of Relate- or we may have to separate) like many of us ( me too!) you kind of snarl, have a moan and then nothing changes?

Sleeping like this is a sign of depression. Or low thyroid.

How does he cope at work?

And BTW he does a lot more around the house than my DH who works 11 hr days, with lots of travelling.

oh and stop taking him a cup of tea! stop doing anything until he engages in a conversation with you.

Boffin

just wanted to add- don't underestimate the effect of his dad's death.

I think you could be :)

I have known men and women do all kinds of things hen a parent of last parent dies- divorce, have affairs, marry unsuitable women ( all my friends are late 40s/50s).

The sight of your own mortality can be paralysing- or push you into things that are high risk.

You need to think on this.

You said you had a breakdown 18 months ago :(
what was all that about?

It sounds as if you BOTH need to step back and look at the whole life-work balance bit as well as your relationship.

I'm not in your shoes but there is no way I could work full time and commute Cambridge-London, and bring up 3 kids. maybe I'm a whimp though.

I also wondered to what extent your incredibly busy lifestyle is contributing to all this. I don't hear when he says I feel like a wage slave a condemnation of you at all, but frustration and exhaustion. I have a reasonable commute daily at present (I do about 1.30- 2 hours min a day and that is really enough for me), and I'm not fun mum on weekends, I lie in if I can, have naps when I can and generally my job does exhaust me. I am not excusing the lack of communication here because when life is like that, my husband has to pick up the slack but we both do get very tired when working full time and commuting, so weekends are less fun than when one of us is working part-time and has got on top of everything before the weekend happened. I don't even get dressed on Sundays, neither do the kids!

Everyone working, small children, it sounds exhausting and is exhausting. How do you think that plays into all this, along with the bereavements etc?

Lazy and Mumsy take your points about exhaustion and grief, but then that doesn't account for imposing his own likes on the OP all the time - steak and Sat night telly, early bedtime etc.

I agree with people commenting on the Boffs' work-life balance. You are asking a lot of yourselves. We found it incredibly hard going with two kids and one long commute.

I think there is an assumption these days that this is the norm and any reasonable person should be able to just suck it up. Well, it's hard. In the old days a woman who managed a career as well as a family was considered impressive (and a whole lot of less nice things as well of course - I'm not pretending things were any easier then) but now it is the benchmark we are all meant to aspire to and if you don't you can feel like a wimp. In fact I hardly know anyone working full time with kids and 2 high-powered careers in the house, and of the ones I do know, none have more than 2 children and all either have family support or earn enough to pay for a LOT of domestic help.

And you have 4 kids, yes?

If anyone needs to read through OP's posts, set your setting so they are highlighted, that way you can read through them quickly and Boffin won't have to repeat herself.

No-one asks men how they manage when they work full-time and have 4 kids.

It's because people assume they have a wife.

And because they assume women's careers are expendable.

I've just read the entire thread and I don't think he is depressed or ill. I think he is a lazy, self indulgent, self entitled git.

He has the energy to go to am dram and the pub a couple of nights a week.

Snazzy I haven't said that we need to discount his unlateral decision-making and complete inability to communicate. However, you can read this in different ways- what strikes me about this now is that both adult members of the Boffin household seem to be reacting to extreme stress or exhaustion - one had has a breakdown (which I know nothing about and may not be related to work/stress/exhaustion whatsoever, but there's no doubt that working full on means you have less time to process events) and one stays in bed pretty much all weekend and seems withdrawn from family and from life. No-one is happy, I don't imagine Boffin's husband is really enjoying his weekends in bed, and Boffin is beyond frustrated herself.

If no-one is happy with the situation, it is worth starting a conversation about how the family as a whole could be happier. This is better phrased as a 'what are we going to do?' rather than 'this is how you have to change' because, despite her discontent, I don't see Boffin seeking a way out of the marriage she has said nothing about leaving in this very long thread despite others throwing the suggestion out there, she just wants her old husband back and not to be so bloody worn-out herself, emotionally and in every way.

It might be easier said than done Boffin, but can either of you stop commuting?

Is there the option of working nearer home?

Part time?

More help at home- paid for?

I'm older than you and things have changed since my DCs were small. But I made the choice quite early on that I could not cope with F/T work ( in my previous career) and be a full time mum, as DH had a 12 hr a day job and went overseas a lot. We have no family within 300 miles and at the time there was one private over subscribed nursery.

Luckily we could manage on DH's money and my p/t money. We lived accordingly and I am fully aware that had I pursued my former career we'd be living in luxury now.

However, there's have been a price to pay.

I know that now many families need 2 salaries to simply live- but really, can either of you work less- or nearer home?

Boffinmum.
Your Saturday night story really made me sad :(
Why should you feel grateful for a meal you dont like watching tv you don't enjoy?
If your dh had made an effort to cook you something you actually liked and suggested a DVD or programme he knows you would enjoy then that would be different.
Does he even know what you like?
I am starting to wonder.
It doesn't matter what other people think of him...they dont have to live with him.
It must be very upsetting to be married and yet few like a single parent :(

Brief progress report.

A big talk has been had.
Concessions have been made.
Some changes are afoot.
A weekend away without children is planned.

Concessions from whom?
Changes wrt to whom ?
A weekend away without dc...a lovely treat for him as reward for shitty behaviour

I wish you well, Boffy. I hope you get what it is you need.

Good.

Can I also suggest you are a bit more upfront about what you like, if you don't like steak, say 'this week, could we have chicken, I'm a little bored of steak' and watch your choice this week, his the next.

Some of the things he does could be pleasing and kind (e.g. making tea in the morning, cooking a dinner on a Sat night) but they are not because they are not what you want. If he's going to make an effort, you need to make sure that his efforts are genuinely appreciated and beneficial to you, by communicating exactly what you would like to happen. In other words, if he has limited energy on weekends because he's knackered, it gets directed towards the things that make your life easier and more pleasurable, this will then become a positive feedback loop (he will get more out of pleasing you) rather than the current negative one.

I'm late to the thread but I'm so sad and angry you have this to put up with. It is so far from normal that it is shocking. What is with all these men (I haven't yet heard about a woman checking out completely from family life although it isn't impossible) who think it is ok to turn away from the woman they love and the children they created?

I'm glad you checked the health issues as I was wondering if there was something up. I have a disability with fatigue at its core as well as depression so I know what it's like to be unable to do anything (not even am dram). I still participate as much as I can - I am mostly parenting from the sofa today while DH is at work. But I am still parenting, cheering DD on her wii sports effort, grabbing them a lazy picnicky lunch, refereeing sibling spats etc.

What you said about resenting your illness is so so sad. It's just horrible. How dare he throw an illness in your face FFS. It is vile. My DH has done pretty much everything since I got ill and not once has he complained how hard it has made his life.

I agree with those who've said you need to wait a bit because regardless of any awful behaviour his dad's death is terribly difficult. But whatever issues he has apart from that, he needs to step up and get help, whatever form it may take. It is easy to ignore problems when you're a single person but when you have a family you have to think of how it impacts everyone else.

I know this is way back on the thread but this At its absolute core root is a belief that houses and families are women's work and that he as the only man, is the most important person in the household. is spot on IMO.

All the best

Good luck Boffin. Hope you work it out. I'm going to tell mine I want him to put me out a bowl of muesli and bring me up a glass of water every night though . He can do that as well as the bins and the dishwasher in future .

Honestly though, he doesn't make me feel undervalued or emotionally abused and he certainly doesn't sleep all the time. He might not be domesticated but he certainly isn't lazy.

lashings lashings [love - need an emoticon mnet] lashings.

I hope it works out for you boffinmum x

Reading your latest posts - the tea,muesli,water by your bed does sound thoughtful- how many of us do this for our partners - I dont !

You sound so unhappy and trapped.

The steak and saturday night - really if you hate this tell him ! its unfair if you expect him to read your mind and know what you want.
I have sort of caught bits in your post where you say he accuses you of the things he is doing - not really sure what that is about.

Right, here we go. I was very forthright in the earlier conversation and he said he had been quite shocked as the marriage I was describing was not the one be thought he had been in. I said I was pretty appalled that he had said he fancied moving out, and I said that if he was wanting the easier bits of parenting and to lie in bed all the time, then he knew where the door was. He said that was a bit harsh, and I said he started it with his stupid comment about moving out. I also said that it was a bit bloody rich saying I was moody when the reality was I had been bearing his children for him. That point was taken.

He then rapidly agreed to go for bereavement counselling, which is apparently available through his work for free. He will ring them asap. I said I thought this might be very helpful for him as I thought he probably hadn't got over his grandad's death yet, let alone his mother's. We discussed this a bit. He is nervous about counselling but is going because he knows I want him to.

He also agreed to have one lie in a week and on that day to get up by 9.30. I can have a lie in on the other day and get up when I like. If he feels tired at other times he has suggested we all go for a walk/bike ride/other exercise to boost metabolisms and ward off tiredness. He has said he will not be sneaking off for extra naps any more.

He has been helping in the house a lot more, like he used to, and I feel the balance is a lot fairer now. The efforts are much more efficient and focused and there is no 'ta-da' at the end of each task.

He has stopped grumbling generally, and he does not have a face on him any longer. He has stopped sighing regularly like a member of the cast of Eastenders.

He was really surprised when I said I hated lavender body lotion and broken necklaces as presents, sheepish in fact. I think he knew they represented a poor effort. I said I was still monumentally hacked off about Mother's Day and he said sorry again. I think he won't be repeating that nonsense.

We have been for a walk and to do some shopping, and also a bike ride to a local beauty spot.

We are going to have a proper weekend away if we can find some childcare (will ask former nanny to step in as proxy parent), and I get to call all the shots. We also booked all the various components of the summer holiday so that it is as easy for me as humanely possible (e.g. flying not driving, fast track at the airport, automatic hire car, lounge access and so on). I have carte blanche to order whatever silk stuff I want off his credit card (although tbh pretty much all our money is in the same notional accounting pot at the end of the day, so that's more symbolic). Some of the money he has inherited may well be going on reupholstering some of the prize antiques that I inherited, that are stored at great cost rather than used because we have ironically not had the money to get them sorted out (long story). In short, I feel my priorities are now being recognised in a way they weren't before.

I am feeling a lot more positive, I do think I have managed to assert myself properly, and I think he has experienced a major wake up call.

Thank you all once again for holding my hand this weekend through what has been a very difficult and gruelling process.

Boff xx

Glad to hear it - hope he keeps up with the improved behaviour. Don't let him slip back into old ways, this should be your new normal.

I also don't think it is realistic for everything to be fixed straight away, indeed some issues may rumble on, but I think it is ok in a long marriage sometimes to say: your behaviour is just awful and I will not go on with the marriage if it continues. I hope he heeds the wake-up call, I suspect it has shocked him and that is no bad thing. It would also not be a bad thing for him to stop his self-indulgence, for him as a person as well as because he is your husband. You know he is better than this and that is what you have to transmit to him.

Glad he's had a wake up call Boff, if you'll pardon the irony

Good luck.

I'm really glad he's finally listening to you and acknowledging the effect his behaviour's had on you.

On top of bereavement counselling, I hope he will go to the doc too, as that level of exhaustion must have a mental or physical illness at its core.

Have a lovely weekend. Have FUN together. But will you also please listen to what so many people on here have said? Your lifestyle or pace of life is making you both ill. God knows what effect this stress is having on your DC. But you've had PND and a breakdown and now he too has had a breakdown of sorts. Surely this suggests you all deserve a gentler, less pressured life.

What changes might you make, together, to achieve this?