Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

[houseworkhater]

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

To clarify- above when I said "if you weren't holding him back" I meant that's what I think his opinion probably is- it's not mine! He sees you and his family as a responsibility and the single life as some sort of magical world of opportunity that he can't fully explore or enjoy because of his family responsibilities.

Have you considered still going to the gig?

why, lulu ?

When the kids are meant to be with him, there must be a very clear expectation that he will be doing everything for them. Their washing, their ironing, their meals and their ferrying around. You're dead right about that.

It's exactly because he's had such a cushy number with you that means he's found some other woman to look after him. Let's face it, he'd have a job surviving on his own wouldn't he? No way would he do that willingly.

LULU what the hell would she want to do that for?

He's a complete and utter wanker - he really is. I hope you can see that for yourself soon. It's hard when your heart is breaking, but he's been walking over you for far too long!

I think there's a chance he's not a complete and utter wanker (although he's behaving like one). It's possible he's completely high on OW/Band Life and cannot see sense. Best course of action: leave him to it.

Ladies you all seem under the usumption that MR houseworkhater must have the children certain times... actually my solicitor told me its easier to stop a Father seeing his children than to make him see them... My ex does no more than he has to and cancels them at the drop of a hat... has never taken them on holiday... and refuses to feed them doing a weekly visit when he picks them up at 6pm as he says he can't afford it... and there is nothing I can do...

good luck houseworkhater...

My XH sees DD every other weekend. When he first left it was one night a week and every Sunday. Now he regularly forgets to ring her in the week, and doesnt have her on a Friday night because he wont arrange his work around her. So he has her 10am Saturday to 6pm Sunday every other weekend and the rest of the time is his own to do whatever he likes with, while I have to arrange work, and social life and everything around DD.

You are right in that there is no in between. When XH first left, I let him come in the house twice a week, cooked him tea, let him put DD to bed. I did this because I thought that we were having a trial separation and that that it would help. I also made it quite clear to him that this would stop if we were getting divorced.

XH chooses not to have DD in the holidays too as he has to work. This is something else that he has gone back on, as in mediation last year it was agreed he would have her on Mondays in the school holidays. Now he says that if he has her, he will have to work and she will have to go with him

I have put my life on hold since ex and I split.
I do all the drop offs during the week as I chosen to work 7-4 pm so I am at home by 5:30 to take them to their activities.
He hardly sees them and I am very upset about it as they complain they don't see him much (10 min in passing in the last 3 weeks!).
I am going away on a business, but when I am back in 2 weeks time I am going to insist he does look after them every other weekend whilst I go out or just do noting in my own company :)

Ijust wanted to stop in here to give a massive hug to the op who probably feels horrible after the last two days.

But also to say this.

Don't worry too much about the women and the band. My boyfriend has been a musician all his life and he and his friends are all loyal to their wives and girlfriends. Your husband may feel that he didnt develop music enough, not that he wants to chase women or be adored by the, for being on a stage. If he is in a band he will have a lot of work to do to give a good performance, forget staring at women. It is about the music at the end of the day. I once brought this up with my partner, what about all the glamorous women!!!! When I might be at home with a baby one day!! And he took me in his arms and said that was far more important to him, a happy home in the madness of touring, a stable anchor. There aren't thy many groupies believe it or not, and they are not looked upon hugely favourably.

Having said all this, I do agree with the others when they advise you to let him get out there on the road if he wants to. It may be exciting for him at first and he may love th freedom, but everyone needs a home to come back to. The road is lonely, the music business is cruel and he may be ditched out of the band....wait and see. Meanwhile I loved the advice of the haircut and new clothes.....let him realise what he has lost....you sounded to me like a laugh and like you two had been good mates....let him see a bit of that again.....but let him miss it first.

I will be at your back watching how this one turns out. Good luck xxxx

what a lovely post something. I would strongly advise OP to start looking after herself as well.

Pffff...bollocks to 'letting him have a home to come back to'.

He WILL have a home to go back to - wherever he rents now that HE has ended their marriage.

Why the hell should the OP take back someone who has so little thought for her?!

Don't be a doormat, OP.

I think you are right to insist on set contact, EOW and one midweek overnight AS MINIMUM.

If HE doesn't want to do that, then HE can explain that to the DC's. Let them see what a git he is from his own mouth.

I would, however, tell the DC's ASAP that he has decided to leave the marriage. They are too old not to be told straight away. Just say it matter of factly, and direct any questions they may have to their father - they can ask HIM why he doesn't want to live there any more!

Yes, he might tell them a load of bull - but at 16 & 14, they are certainly old enough to see through BS.

I didn't say let him come back to a home, I said let him see that everyone needs a home to come back to. If he decides that he has made a mistake and wants to come home, she will then hold all of the cards.

How dare he think it is okay to spit on his current life then turn his back on it claiming he didnt want it in the first place. I dont think that the OP kept him tied up in the cellar, only allowed out to go and work. He wanted to be with OP or he would have left long ago.

This very silly and selfish 10 year old in a man's body has decided that he wants all the fun things. Well, he is a fool. Life isnt like that.

We are not entitled just walk away from our lives and commitments because we have decided that life would be more fun somewhere else.

Oh worry. That resonated for me, mine took OW out and when we went away to discuss it he said he wanted to travel(i don't like flying) When I ponted out all the places he had been to ( Aus,NZ,Bahamas USA, Malaysia,Europe, etc etc. )he laughed and said he hadn't been to russia. we travelled europe together. I left. two years later the only trip abroad they've done is europe for the weekend. It really is sad that they think all this adventure is worth the grief they give their Dcs and Dgcs in our case.

Hello,

Woke up this morning and assumed dh had gone.

Wenut downstairs and he was asleep on the sofa.

I went to my gym class and anticipated breaking down.
It went well,lots of people speaking to me wanting to know my arrangements for the weekend. Ii can't be that bad I thought, people seem to like me, perhaps it's just at home that I am such a bitch.

Thinking about it lots of the gym people have asked me to go on nights out and you know what, I never have. All because it hgas never fitted in with dh or kids.

Went out with ds, didn't stay in town much, oh well he isn't a shopper!

Told dd1 that her dad would have to take her to her pt job, he has.

Anyway me and ds are back in house. Dh text me and says dd2 at her friends, he is out.

I ask him when he is leaving cos if he doesn't then I will go. He replies saying that he is out(band) at 6 so I will have to pick both dd1 and dd2 up.

I tell him I am going out, just to friends or family, so he will have to get dd2 and repeat about him leaving.

He has text back saying that i know he is out with band and has told dd2 friend's mother that I will collect her!!!!!

The twat has no idea that bloody leaving/separating means we are no longer together!

I replied saying that as of now I don't give a flying fuck what he does or doesn't do, his arrangements are no longer my concern.

I am bloody gobsmacked at this. Is this normal?

I can't even fucking pack a case and go, as I can't leave dd2 alone (dd1 at work).

God he really thinks he can have it all his way doesn't he? He needs it spelled out to him that now he has decided to go, his responsibilities will increase not diminish. Because you will no longer be there to back him up.

Selfish, stupid fool.

Suggested text to twunt: "As we are now not together as a couple, you need to leave and find an alternative place to live. It will need to be suitable for you to have the children every other weekend. When you have the children, all pick ups and drop offs will need to be arranged by you. You may not assume that I will help you with these arrangements because I will make arrangements of my own for my time when the children are with you. I am also entitled to a life and some freedom from time to time. Now that you are a part time dad, I'm sure your time with the children will be more precious to you than ever, so obviously you will not allow the band to stop you doing your fatherly duties."

I am going from tearful and soul destroyed to pissed off, resentful and bitter.

He is with the band all weekend-we could have gone somewhere under normal circumstances.

He was either working (normal job) or with the band all last weekend and yet all he can think off is that we don't have sex often and that the house, although very clean is not immaculate.

I feel like running away.

I am verging between telling the kids and not saying anything.

Yes we should tell them together but he is NEVER FUCKING HERE, so we can't tell them together.

I think I need to go out, I think I'm going to have a breakdown. Sorry for sounding dramatic.

I am going to do this weekend-bloody ruined for me even though I am off work, then do as planned next weekend. Then that is it.

He will have to sort the kids out and take them for the weekend. He has even managed to sherk his responsibilities as he hasn't driven anywhere, I know wherever he is will involve him having a beer with friends and that I can't have a glass of wine as I, rather conveniently for him, have to pick up both dds at separate times.

Obviously he can't pick dd2 up as he will have been drinking.

Scarlet- that is exactly what I am thinking.

I just can't be bothered replying back to him, he just doesn't see any link between how I feel and the lack of time he gives to his family, or how this could possibly relate to my sexual feelings.

I think I am going to call at my mums, it won't be easy but I don't want to be in the house.
It has never bothered me before. I am thinking of all the things we could be doing together if this hadn't happened. Feel like life is slipping away from me.

Pack his bags.

Do it.

He is taking the piss, and then some.

He is making it clear how he sees this split: that he will go when he is good and ready, and that you will pick up anything, whenever and whatever he doesn't fancy.

You MUST take back control of your life.

Pack his bags.

Right I have just text him to ask when he is leaving, and to ask about the kids.

He has text back 3 months!!!!!

I have told him to come straight home as I must speak to him asap. He is coming, been in pub!

I cannot live like this I really can't.

yet all he can think off is that we don't have sex often and that the house, although very clean is not immaculate.

talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel he wants to throw away 20 years for these pathetic reasons.

I am even more convinced there is an OW - selfish bastard

Take control, pack his things and tell him to fuck off.

He says 3 months becuase its not convenient for OW to have him yet.

Tell him he has to leave NOW. Take control please otherwise you will have months of this crap.

If you have decided that it is over then I would get things moving sooner rather than later. With family commitments gone he may decide to 'give the band a real go' and give up his job.

Before he mortgages your future so that he can set himself up for a life on the road you need to make sure that you get what financial security you can based on him having a proper job.