Not in love with husband anymore and pregnant, I don't know what to do.

[chasanddavearecrap]

Have Nc for this as am on the anti-natal boards.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Baby planned, but since I found out 5 weeks ago, things have been up and down with dh. As we were trying, I was talking to him about tests a few days before my period was due. Took one, positive, he didn't believe it. Took more, he still didn't believe (as I got them from one of the cheap shops). The day before my period was due, I bought a couple of super duper expensive ones, did them with him outside the door, handed them to him so he could see the line forming.

That evening when he came home from work, he initiated a huge row. Saying how shit his life was, how he hated everything about it, that I had forced him into trying for a baby (I hadn't, he wanted to as well). It was vile, he was threatening to leave. I have an older dc from a previous marriage who loves him.

He calmed down. Took some of what he said back, but it was like a switch had been flicked in my head.

Two weeks later he did it again, screaming in my face for hours. He again took it back, has been attentive etc. But I think it's a face, he's so nasty sometimes, not to me as such, but gets wound up at the tv, randomly shouting that people are 'cunts'.

I spent last night in bed in tears (while he was asleep) as when we were walking home, we saw a pretty bad bit of driving, he said 'I bet it's either a black or a woman driving'. I hate him.

I know now that I made a terrible mistake, he's so different to me. He's never read a book in his life and is proud of it.

But the thing thats really getting to me is that I don't want my baby and I feel evil for it. I feel nothing towards it. I had a baby book/journal for my older child, I wrote everything in it, first scan pics etc, I loved him and felt protective from so early on in pregnancy. I spent last night praying I would miscarry. Please don't judge me.

Please, start making the calls - Samaritans first if that is easiest, but they cannot usually provide information, they are a listening non-judgemental ear.

Don't sit here talking yourself into a corner as regards benefits etc. You need information.

*I am terrified of my lack of feeling towards it though. I loved ds by now,as stupid as it sounds. His first scan was one of the best moments of my life, seeing his little heart beating and knowing he was safe. I used to think about who he was going to be, what he's look like, daydream about things I would do with him.

Not a jot of emotion with this one, nothing. Not even when I saw the scan.*

This is because you are living with an abuser. You need to be away from him and able to look to future without fear before you can work out what your feelings towards the baby are. To have a termination now is to risk ending up still in the relationship grieving a child you came to love too late.

Your ex can't take your DS from his primary carer just because he has to move schools anyway. It doesn't work like that. At 12 your DS would have a very big say in the decision if it came to court.

You need to contact someone who knows how it works for women in your situation. Then, armed with the proper facts and knowing what support you could get, you can make a decision.

Your DH has changed dramatically towards you recently. how do you know he won't change towards your son too. If nothing else he will harm your DS by abusing his mother.

Please, please, please contact Women's Aid and find out what they think your options are. Don't stay in this situation because you think you are stuck. You and your DS deserve better than that.

FWIW, FWEX aka tosser also 'made' me retake the pregnancy test - several times -

Can I suggest we all resist the temptation to promote our view on what the OP should do about the pregnancy.

She has stated her feelings about the pregnancy.

They seem very clear.

They are her feelings.

She sounds like she's had quite enough in life of people telling her that her feelings/reactions are unimportant.

She may find, after talking with Marie Stopes/BPAS, that she still feels exactly the same. Or she may not. That is her discovery to make.

There is a marie stopes in my town.

I have emailed them, they just emailed back saying I can book a consultation just to talk things over asap.

Only thing that worries me is the religious groups which are always standing outside with graphic placards, as if I don't feel terrible enough about some of the thoughts in my head.

My feelings towards this pregnancy scare me. Its the polar opposite of how I felt with ds. I am scared that if I keep the baby I will feel like this all the way through.

Good progress, chas. Yes, the placard wavers are not pleasant .

How do you feel about giving WA a call now? They can help you with this sense of feeling trapped in the relationship, and signpost you to more detailed financial/legal advice.

0808 2000 247

You really need to talk for all the time you need to a professional health care counsellor.

Can I suggest we all resist the temptation to promote our view on what the OP should do about the pregnancy.

I don't see anyone doing that. I only see people advocating delaying the decision until she is in a better place where she can take time to work out and understand her own feelings.

Only thing that worries me is the religious groups which are always standing outside with graphic placards, as if I don't feel terrible enough about some of the thoughts in my head.

If you really think they will be there you need to express that concern in your email and ask them for help to get past them. You can't let this stop you from getting the help you need.

I have got an appointment with marie stopes just to talk first thing in the morning. I asked about the protestors, the lady I spoke to said that if I drive into the gates a security guard will come out and walk me from my car.

Gold - they are there all the time. THe marie stopes where I live is almost opposite a massive church.

That's good. Well done for taking the first step

Sorry that was aimed at your first post!

I'm sorry that these people will be making this harder than it has to be

Your local council will have a list of private landlords that accept housing benefit.
You can also look online, try advertising on local Facebook groups, look on Gumtree and all of the letting sites.

The estate agents in your area may not like housing benefits, but there will be some landlords that do.

If no you will have to look further afield.

Your DS is 13, he can easily get a bus to school.
Would he mind moving schools? Have you ever asked him.
Your ex can't stop you moving as long as it is within a reasonable distance.
He also can't take custody just because you chose to move.
The only way he could take your DS is if he wasn't safe at home or you were a crap mother, which you aren't, or if DS wanted to go live with him.
Stop being so scared of the bastard ex.

I recommend that you do all if this without telling your H.

Start putting money aside in preparation for a deposit on a new place.

Don't let the fear of things that might not happen stop you having a happy future.

No advice but wanted to wish you well. You sound sensible and rational and I think you will work out what you need to do.

Good luck.

Weareeternal - I have savings, in cash that dh doesn't know about. My ex was very controlling with money, I didn't have penny for the 12 years I was with him, had to beg for clothes. This despite him being very, very well off.

I squirrel away as much of ds maintenance from him as I can in cash.

Unfortunately, our council are crap, they gave me a 'list' after 3 months of calling them everyday for one, but it was nonsense, the landlords on it didn't understand why their names were there (there were only 5) and all said they would never take HB anyway.

I am sure I will struggle again to find a place, we did all the above to find this, one out of the ten agents on our road agreed to talk to us when we mentioned HB, and only this one LL agreed to have us with huge stipulations. Its so hard here, but if i decide to leave I will start slogging round asap.

I would hate to move ares, ds school is wonderful (he doesnt want to change), he is settled, my place of study is a ten min walk away, my work placements are walkable.

I think ds would actually want to go and live with his dad, thats the sad thing. He's starting to get to the age where 'stuff' is important. Ex h doesn't know much, but he knows how to buy people.

If that is the case and there really are no landlords in your area who would consider housing benefits then you will either have to move further and your DS will have to get a bus to school, or you will have to get a job yourself and pay your own rent.
(I'm assuming you are studying part time as otherwise you would be able to use student loans to pay the rent.)
You may even have to stop studying for a while to be able to work enough to support yourself.
I know that wont be idea, but it may be your last resort. .

However if you actually speak to landlords (the home owners not the agents) and offer to pay extra towards the cost of the insurance I know quite a few landlords who would happily change their insurance to a company that allows HB if the tenant paid the difference.

I know it will be hard, but is it really any harder that continuing to live like you are with your scumbag of a H?

I think it is probably hard to tackle the problems because it feels like so much at once:

1. Do I stay with dh (for the sake of ds and because it is basically convenient atm)?
2. Can I get a decent home if I move out or will I be stuck in a B & B?
3. If I move out, will ex try and get custody of ds and will he succeed if he does?
4. Can I continue with my degree without dh's financial support?
5. If I move, can I still get to work placements conveniently and can ds get to school?
6. Should I keep the baby?

Due to time constraints, you do need to think about 6. I think it is a very good idea to go to the clinic tomorrow. Wear sunglasses if you want, wear a hat if you want, look at the ground and not at the protestors, walk past quickly. They do what they feel they have to do but they don't have to live your life with or without the baby so it has to be what you are comfortable with doing in the end.

I have no experience of this but surely a pregnant woman with a 12 year old dc must get some kind of priority when it comes to housing if you were on benefits which you would have to be if you kept the baby and have no income.

Find out what the situation is like pregnancy wise and the next thing you need to know is what help you can get in terms of money and housing. Just ask straight out and don't be too proud. When you know if you can manage, you can decide whether to leave dh and what to do about the baby but you are right to get cracking on it all.

You also need to know whether you can keep the baby and realistically continue with your degree or whether you will have to give it up and get a job or do it more slowly with part-time work. You have to know what is important to you in the longer term. A lot to think about but nothing too grim and impossible I don't think.

I have never seen people with banners or anything outside Marie stopes- don't worry about it. They're not important. You are important though and you're doing what you feel is right.
As for renting on hb, I never told the agents or landlords I was on it. Once they meet you they usually don't mind. You don't always need to say anyway because if you pay a month upfront as well as deposit, the hb always gets paid in ahead of when it's due of that makes sense. So they don't even need to know!
You will have a happy future and good on you for leaving this silly little man!

How are you doing OP? Did your appt with Marie Stopes help?

Would your place of study help with accommodation? Just a thought but some universities have family flats.

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and talk about it or talk to his parents first and explain to them how you are feeling and maybe get them to mediate between you. At least try it out for your new born to be. Don't forget right at the moment your hormones are all over the place and also he is stressing out becoming a father, and I am not saying this is excuse for him to say or behave like the way his behaving.
Tip for you: what people tell you some times on forums will make you feel better but it is only extension to make them selves feel better, it's down to you to take what's right and discard the rest. Talk to each others family and see if you can work it out and if it works walk away with your head held high and if it dose not then you can still walk away with your head held high. Good luck.

HE sounds like an arse and I don't know why you thought you wanted a baby with him in the first place when you clearly don't like him very much.

But now you are having a baby that you don't want.

So. You don't want the baby. And you don't like the father.

And you are only 9 weeks PG.

Which part of this do you need help with, exactly?

Hope you're ok, OP.