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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not in love with husband anymore and pregnant, I don't know what to do.

105 replies

chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 09:34

Have Nc for this as am on the anti-natal boards.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Baby planned, but since I found out 5 weeks ago, things have been up and down with dh. As we were trying, I was talking to him about tests a few days before my period was due. Took one, positive, he didn't believe it. Took more, he still didn't believe (as I got them from one of the cheap shops). The day before my period was due, I bought a couple of super duper expensive ones, did them with him outside the door, handed them to him so he could see the line forming.

That evening when he came home from work, he initiated a huge row. Saying how shit his life was, how he hated everything about it, that I had forced him into trying for a baby (I hadn't, he wanted to as well). It was vile, he was threatening to leave. I have an older dc from a previous marriage who loves him.

He calmed down. Took some of what he said back, but it was like a switch had been flicked in my head.

Two weeks later he did it again, screaming in my face for hours. He again took it back, has been attentive etc. But I think it's a face, he's so nasty sometimes, not to me as such, but gets wound up at the tv, randomly shouting that people are 'cunts'.

I spent last night in bed in tears (while he was asleep) as when we were walking home, we saw a pretty bad bit of driving, he said 'I bet it's either a black or a woman driving'. I hate him.

I know now that I made a terrible mistake, he's so different to me. He's never read a book in his life and is proud of it.

But the thing thats really getting to me is that I don't want my baby and I feel evil for it. I feel nothing towards it. I had a baby book/journal for my older child, I wrote everything in it, first scan pics etc, I loved him and felt protective from so early on in pregnancy. I spent last night praying I would miscarry. Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:23

God, he sounds horrible. I've read well-informed posters on here saying that abusers will start to show their true colours when the first pregnancy appears but I didn't realize it could be that much of a switch!

No judging here if you decide not to go through with it in this situation, that's for sure. It would be a hell of a practical and emotional challenge, I can see that.

juneau · 04/04/2013 10:26

You have NOT let yourself become an idiot. You're in a very difficult situation with an unpleasant person who is abusing you - verbal abuse is abuse, shouting in your face is abuse, and your feelings of inadequacy stem from being talked down to and belittled for years by both your current DH and your ex.

Please reach out - Women's Aid or the Samaritans can point you in the direction of the kind of assistance you may need to extricate yourself from both of these poisonous individuals who currently have power over you.

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:26

You're not an idiot. You've rumbled this one in time to extricate yourself. Smile

You can do this.

Make the appointments so that you can look forward to concrete information, otherwise you'll just be talking yourself into believing the situation is hopeless (if you're anything like me!)

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:26

He basically thinks he has you where he wants you...but it sounds like he doesn't and you know this is seriously wrong.

Treat this as a lesson and get the hell out of there.

Call WA, they'll help you with details & reassure you over any concerns you have but I think it's safe to say he's a standard abusive arse, as it's escalated because you're pregnant.

Well done for posting here first & I hope you can call WA asap & make an exit plan asap. Forget him or however 'good' he is with DCs This relationship is good for no one but him.

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:27

I think that lightbulb moment when suddenly your whole being says "NO MORE OF THIS SHIT!" is probably one of the least idiotic moments anyone can have, actually. You do sound like you have very abruptly seen him for what he is.

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:27

Oh and you're not an idiot.

You've already got him talking down to you so the best thing you can do right now is be kind to yourself, treat yourself with respect & big yourself up.

If you need anyone to be on board & a good friend right now it's yourself.

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:27

Yeah, I've read that too. Naively, I thought that as he was already a good step father I was safe. Not so.

I met him three years ago last week. I would give my right arm to turn back the clock. The biggest joke is, I thought I was improving my life when I met him. Joke is on me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:28

(that was to madbralady about abuse and first pregnancies)

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:31

You know, I don't see the point anymore, he clearly wants out too (he's said so many times the only reason he's still here is the bond he has with my ds).

I don't know why he wanted to try for a baby. I don't care what he says, he wasn't tricked. He was tracking my cycle with me, fgs.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:32

^ the joke is on him actually.

He thinks you're less likely to leave than you are by the sounds of it.
I'll be he doesn't expect you to leave for a start!

(Whatever you do, don't let him know your plans. It's a dangerous time & it's wise to play your cards close to your chest, however little that danger is).

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:32

But if I decided not to keep the baby, does he not have any legal rights to stop me?

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:33

^ he sounds like he's just said it for the pure fact that it'll hurt to be honest. It's certainly not because he feels bad for you or he wouldn't be treating you like shit would he... Hmm

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:33

^ he has no rights what so ever until the baby is born, if it is born.

Do not worry about that.

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2013 10:33

It sounds like he doesn't want to have a baby with you, and you sound like you don't want to have a baby with him, either.

It is possible to have an abortion, you know. If you go now, you can just take a few pills and have it all out with a quick period.

It is not yet a "baby". If neither future parent wants it to be, it's best that it never becomes a baby, imho.

juneau · 04/04/2013 10:36

No, he has no legal right to stop you terminating, if that is what you choose to do. It's called 'a woman's right to choose'. However, if you decide to terminate and you think he may try to stop you, I wouldn't tell him what you plan to do. It's best to make your plan and let him know only after you've done what you're going to do.

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:36

We did want it though. We were happy when we were trying. I had an early scan last week (I had two mcs before my older child), he was crying when he saw the heartbeat etc. There are moments where I have thought it's getting better, I can put it behind me and try. Then we go back to square one.

Thanks, you have put my mind at rest, I thought he'd be able to stop me, or hold it over me somehow.

OP posts:
toffeelolly · 04/04/2013 10:36

Get out now if i were you what a horrible person he sounds , you could do better without that so called man. As for baby just do not rush think carefully as you do not want to regret anythink then when you think it through do what is right for you. But get rid of him he sounds horrible! Good luck.

juneau · 04/04/2013 10:37

You could also tell him you miscarried.

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:38

The fact he was so 'nice' before this makes it even more worrying OP Sad

Seriously, it is not looking good & he sounds like one slippery fucker.

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:38

^ what j said, if you're worried about him reacting horribly or are not planning on leaving him until you've done it/after (though you'd be risking it massively to stay as he might suspect it anyway).

CoteDAzur · 04/04/2013 10:40

What juneau said.

You don't have to tell him you precipitated the bleeding/miscarriage by taking abortion pills. Tell him you miscarried.

Goldmandra · 04/04/2013 10:40

You need to get out of this relationship and have some time to think where you feel safe before you make any decisions about the baby. That means you need to contact women's aid today and make the break.

Once you are out and can see a different future in front of you, you will be in a better position to decide about the baby.

Please don't make any decisions while this man is messing with your head. Leave, then talk it through with people who will help you to make the right decision for you, your DS and your baby.

Zilvernblue · 04/04/2013 10:41

Not commenting on your pregnancy.

But - leave now while you are young enough to give yourself a chance of happiness, as it sounds like its going to end at some point anyway. Why make yourself miserable and waste time first?

Gooodness knows why you haven't spotted his true colours before, but love does strange things. The bit about the never having read a book and being proud of it - I suppose hes proud of his bad behaviour towards you as well. This is not one of life's decent men...

But of course students rent property. Are you a part-time student? You must be, otherwise you wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit. So you can try and find a job. Without a means of supporting yourself, you are going to be dependent on other people, or benefits...

stubbornstains · 04/04/2013 10:41

OP, re: HB....

You know (whispers) sometimes people don't tell potential landlords they're receiving it...I know, not honest yadda yadda, but then perhaps LLs shouldn't be discriminating against potential tenants in this fashion.

lightfairy · 04/04/2013 10:47

Also - talk to your place of education, they often have hardship funds to help people in need.

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