Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not in love with husband anymore and pregnant, I don't know what to do.

105 replies

chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 09:34

Have Nc for this as am on the anti-natal boards.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Baby planned, but since I found out 5 weeks ago, things have been up and down with dh. As we were trying, I was talking to him about tests a few days before my period was due. Took one, positive, he didn't believe it. Took more, he still didn't believe (as I got them from one of the cheap shops). The day before my period was due, I bought a couple of super duper expensive ones, did them with him outside the door, handed them to him so he could see the line forming.

That evening when he came home from work, he initiated a huge row. Saying how shit his life was, how he hated everything about it, that I had forced him into trying for a baby (I hadn't, he wanted to as well). It was vile, he was threatening to leave. I have an older dc from a previous marriage who loves him.

He calmed down. Took some of what he said back, but it was like a switch had been flicked in my head.

Two weeks later he did it again, screaming in my face for hours. He again took it back, has been attentive etc. But I think it's a face, he's so nasty sometimes, not to me as such, but gets wound up at the tv, randomly shouting that people are 'cunts'.

I spent last night in bed in tears (while he was asleep) as when we were walking home, we saw a pretty bad bit of driving, he said 'I bet it's either a black or a woman driving'. I hate him.

I know now that I made a terrible mistake, he's so different to me. He's never read a book in his life and is proud of it.

But the thing thats really getting to me is that I don't want my baby and I feel evil for it. I feel nothing towards it. I had a baby book/journal for my older child, I wrote everything in it, first scan pics etc, I loved him and felt protective from so early on in pregnancy. I spent last night praying I would miscarry. Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:47

It's these blow ups I can't stand.

I knew we were different. We are from different backgrounds, I was raised in a very MC area - while I knew many people from different backgrounds, I had never really known anyone like him or the people he knew before. But I thought it was the person who counted, not where they came from or what school they went to etc. I didn't think it would be a problem. He's got a massive chip on his shoulder, that's why he get so wound up. I used to find it laughable, I didn't think it was a huge issue (i.e he loves the Royals, won't hear a word against them, but hated some of the people knew and called them 'fucking snobby posh gits' as they belonged to a polo club - um, hello?).

The chip seems to be getting bigger and bigger, one time he was having a go at me because my son prefers dance to football, that I was trying to make him something he's not (not so, always been ds choice what he does). That sort of thing.

His mum defers to him and his dad, if we go out in their car, she will sit in the back seat so dh can sit in the front - the sort of thing that I would consider very rude, I was aghast the first time she did it.

He's got better since he's been with me actually. I believe that tolerance of everyone and respect is they key to life. Thats why his racist and sexist comment last night shook me.

Sorry, I don't know where I am going with this. NEver written these things down or said them aloud, just trying to give background.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 10:52

basically, the mask penny has dropped...

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:55

Keep posting Smile I think maybe you need to talk it all out. Especially if you've been slightly squashing them down?

Do consider making those appointments today though. We can do a lot of listening here to the general stuff but you need real life help to know what the practical options are.

MadBraLady · 04/04/2013 10:56

Them = the thoughts you've been having, I mean.

ZZZenagain · 04/04/2013 10:57

how far into this degree are you? When you will have finished?

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 10:59

Are the samaritans anonymous? If I mention having a hard time with dh and tell them I have a child and am pregnant, would they tell anyone out of safeguarding worries? (Not that there are any, but I am worried about how it may be interpreted).

I need to talk to someone. I literally have no one, I keep everything bottled up as there is no one to speak to.

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 04/04/2013 10:59

it is completely anonymous

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:00

I have another two/three years, depending on what I specialise in (health related). I was going to take a year out for the baby.

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 04/04/2013 11:00

how old is your ds, is he at school?

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:01

Ok, thank you. Ds is at a friends house all day and night so I will call them.

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:01

He is 13.

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 04/04/2013 11:02

call them now and let us know how you get on

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:02

Sorry, he's 12, I am ageing him!!

OP posts:
arthriticfingers · 04/04/2013 11:03

Please, please, please don't excuse this f*ing tosser apology for a man on the basis of class.
Abuse crosses all class barriers
I am from a solid working class background and married 'above myself' a violent racist misogynist from a 'good, highly respectable upper middle class background.
I was as shocked as you were when, as orchard says, the mask penny dropped

arthriticfingers · 04/04/2013 11:05

please keep posting and/or join us here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1714033-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-number-19

WeAreEternal · 04/04/2013 11:22

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, but I will tell you what I would do in your situation.

I would go to the council, job centre and citizens advice, today. I would explain the situation and ask what my options are.

I would contact the landlord explain the situation, and ask if he would be willing to change the agreement to just your name. Tell him that you fully intend on finding a job and are studying to get a well paid job in the future.

I would tell H that I no longer love him and that I want a divorce, but that I am no moving out, I am entitled to claim full housing benefits and can pay the rent without him, so he has to leave.
If he argued I would explain that there is no way that I am going to make my DS homeless when it is H's fault that the relationship has broken down. And that as of today he is sleeping on the sofa or can go stay with his parents until he finds somewhere else to live.

I would speak to my GP, tell them that I was pregnant and considering an termination and ask to speak to someone about it.

You don't have to live like this op. your H is a scumbag and you deserve so my better.

arthriticfingers · 04/04/2013 11:24

what Eternal says

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/04/2013 11:26

^ what eternal says

quietlysuggests · 04/04/2013 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:39

Thankyou. If I were reading this thread from someone else, I would be saying the same thing.

Re the housing though, the agency we rent through will not change it to sole name (it's in our contract that if one leaves, the contract is void), and the landlord will not take full housing benefit. It was hard to convince them to rent this flat to us when we were claiming just a little bit (dh full take home wage is the full amount of rent, we are in London) and we are here by the skin of our teeth after agreeing to submit dhs wage slip every month to show them he's still in work. The landlord made us sign an agreement to give them notice if dh lost his job as they will not accept full housing benefit due to their insurance.

It's so hard to find anywhere to live while on housing benefit, and the social housing list in my area is 7 years long, and I can't get on it until I have had tied to the area for three years anyway. It took us months to find this place, we were in a horrible flat before, having to find £500 per month to top up the HB as it was so expensive but the only place we could find to rent who would take us, I had to sell everything I owned, clothes the lot. We ended up with nothing but ds things.

I need to stay in this area for ds school, ex h has told me if I disrupt that, then ds may as well go and live with him if he has to change school anyway, so I have that hanging over me too.

I am writing down what to say to Samaritans, points so i don't forget anything,

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:41

Ds isn't scared of him. He's not a bully to ds. ds does love him and loves spending time with him. I may be an idiot myself, but honestly, if my ds was unhappy i would be gone.

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/04/2013 11:41

This is definitely one man you don't want around your son, is it?

And he doesn't want to leave or is doing you a favour by staying. He wants you to stay and be in his debt!

Also, I don't think the problem is the baby at all, but your reaction to his father. You were happy initially at the thought of the baby, right?

Personally, I'd first get rid of the twat and then evaluate my feelings towards the baby.

Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:44

Of course I wanted this baby. I wouldn't have tried for months if I didn't. I thought it was what dh wanted too.

I am terrified of my lack of feeling towards it though. I loved ds by now,as stupid as it sounds. His first scan was one of the best moments of my life, seeing his little heart beating and knowing he was safe. I used to think about who he was going to be, what he's look like, daydream about things I would do with him.

Not a jot of emotion with this one, nothing. Not even when I saw the scan.

OP posts:
Original poster
chasanddavearecrap · 04/04/2013 11:46

I know thats partly because dh ruined it from the beginning. I thought getting a pos test would have been a happy moment, but he spoiled it.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShallots · 04/04/2013 11:48

Your husband is using your pregnancy to escalate his abuse of you.

You have seen your future, the last few weeks. You need to end this marriage.