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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have fucked up big time

35 replies

newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:20

long complicated story, abusive ex, new partner who was still in love with dead wife when we got together. now i am trapped, financially and because of my kids and ive drunk a bottle of wine and I want to sob but no one to hold me

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/04/2013 23:24

Drinking can magnify problems and make them seem infinitely worse they are.

In what way are you 'trapped financially'? How old are dc and are they from a previous relationship? How have you been with your 'new partner'? Is he living in your home or are you living in his?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:26

im in his with his 3 kids and my 5. he is the dad mine have never had but never had any 'cross words' with his late wife and all we do is argue. it is a nightmare, wwe lived in same village whilst i was with stbxh and he was with his dw. mums at school gate think i have landed on my feet, if only they knew,

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/04/2013 23:31

I'd take any statement about him 'never having any cross words with his late wife' with a pinch of salt, but could it be that she may have been a doormat more forebearing than yourself?

What do you find yourself arguing about? Anything and everything or does it usually come down to the same old?

What happens after you've argued?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:34

same old, she was the love of his life and treated her like a princess. all i gotbwas to hear about it and their 3 kids

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 03/04/2013 23:36

How long ago did she pass away?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:39

almost 3 years ago. It is hideous, my ex was a shit, emotionally and physically abusive. Hhe adored his late wife. I dont compare and i cant leave. I am so trapped.

OP posts:
Ruprekt · 03/04/2013 23:41

Why can you not leave?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:42

it doesnt matter if she was a doormat, he thinks she was the bees knees. She used to go on girls nights ans snog other men, he put up with it. That is how much he loved her.

OP posts:
Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:43

i cant leave. my kids adore him.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/04/2013 23:43

Are you saying you argue with him over his late wife, the love of his life god bless her sainted soul, or is that arguments arise because he compares you and/or your way of doing things to her?

How long were you seeing him before you moved in with him and what's happened to your former home?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:46

my home has been sold, he doesnt compare. but he told me how fab she was and they were so now i compare, every day and i dont believe for one minute that he doesnt

OP posts:
Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:49

her sodding ashes are at the end of our garden. He left his wife and daughter for her and then they had a charmed life. Our life is shit. I cant even remember what started it this time.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/04/2013 23:52

Is this a case of you believing you mean less to him that she did/does and him doing nothing to reassure you that he loves you?

Or is a case of him putting you down with constant tales of how wonderful his late wife was?

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:54

the tales have stopped. he tries go reassure me but in light of what he has toldme about the two of them he is fighting a losing battle tbh

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/04/2013 23:58

Do you have family who will support you?

Can you take your kids & go stay with family or friends to think things over?

You may find your kids aren't so in awe and love with him as you think.

He's making you so unhappy, consider just taking a break from him for a while & clear your own head.

Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:59

but i want him to make me happy :-((((

OP posts:
Original poster
newname2007 · 03/04/2013 23:59

how sad is that ?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/04/2013 00:01

How long has it been since you and your dc moved in with him?

Original poster
newname2007 · 04/04/2013 00:03

8 months. he wasnt even here when we arrived. he had gone to buy his nut allergic daughter a ready cooked roast chicken for lunch!

OP posts:
Original poster
newname2007 · 04/04/2013 00:06

my ex was the love of my life. he was an abusive tosser but beyter than this. At least he alternated between lovingband abusing me. Now I am just tolerated

OP posts:
Original poster
newname2007 · 04/04/2013 00:09

*his life - not my life. that is what hw told me

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/04/2013 00:10

How long were you seeing him before you moved in with him? Were there any problems during that time? Did it occur to you that maybe he was looking for a housekeeper rather than another wife/partner?

Original poster
newname2007 · 04/04/2013 00:16

yes many times iizzy. How do i accept my role with its financial security and not working but accept that I will never be the love of any ones life. to rub salt in the wounds stbxh has new love and is having life new partner had with late wife amd keeping me trapped financially.. it is shit and no amount of wine or venlafaxine will help

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 04/04/2013 00:18

So you were with an abusive ex Op and now you are with a man that loved his wife more than you? may i just ask why you moved in with him.

ClippedPhoenix · 04/04/2013 00:19

Two rebounds do not a relationship make?