i have fucked up big time

[newname2007]

long complicated story, abusive ex, new partner who was still in love with dead wife when we got together. now i am trapped, financially and because of my kids and ive drunk a bottle of wine and I want to sob but no one to hold me

Wine and pills are seriously not a good idea, but you already know that don't you?

What has bought this to the surface tonight?

because i thought he loved me. but now our lives are jiust kids kids and kids. oh, and rows. He doesnt love me the same as late wife, why would he?

yes babylon, but self destruction is a good path tonight.

i am an idiot.. when he said things were different because we had 8 kids i accepted it, i shouldnt have settled for not being the love of someones life.

Stop trying to compare yourself to the late wife. When someone passes, it is quite common for people to put them on a pedestal - especially if there are children involved. How would you feel if your DP bad mouthed his late wife? How would the kids feel? He probably doesn't want to be reminded of the way she treated him.

You are now in a relationship with 8 children. It's bound to be hard work. I bet there isn't a lot of time for hearts and flowers.

Have you looked at why you got with this man? Was it because you were looking for something the opposite of your abusive ex? The reality of life is usually quite dull. Your life probably doesn't have the drama that you would have had with your ex. I'm no expert on abusive relationships, but if your ex loved you then he would not have abused you. I think you may have been conditioned by your ex to believe that in order to love someone you need to "feel" regardless of whether it is love or pain.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel?

What towicymru said. Op, you have eight kids. Surely that's going to take all your energy up, leaving little room for being the love of someone's life.

I don't often recommend counselling but surely in this case it could be really helpful. Sounds like neither of you have dealt with the inevitable fallout of abuse and bereavement.

Hi op, hope your head is ok this morning.,to mirror the last few posters...if your previous relationship was emotionally abusive, then you are maybe used to the dramas of the highs and lows and equate being in love with experiencing pain. Is it possible that your new partner did not have that kind of relationship and you are still subconsciously drawing him in to conflict, so you still get those ups and downs? I am not suggesting this is the case, just trying out different possibilities.
Can you be more concrete about how he is with you, what he does and says that is evidence that he does not feel the right way about you? Can you break down, in real terms, what it is to be the 'love of someone's life', in healthy terms?
Is it possible that your self esteem is so low from the fall out of your previous abusive partner, and you are grabbing at things you have heard as a stick to beat yourself with?
If I am wrong, my apologies, just trying to help to explore.
8 children, wow. There must have been something special t walk into that relationship...I struggle with my two! Give yourself some credit. And, p.s. venners and alcohol, no good call! You will just make it harder on yourself .

you are all right. He no longer compares, it is me. Im having cbt to try amd help but only had 4 sessions so although it is helping it is a bit slow.

Can you identify some of the good things? That's good that you are having cbt..can you go on amazon and get somebody positive self talk books too (maybe read toes instead of the wine, know the wine is easier but the books really give you a much better foundation)

I am sorry, but you have to be realistic. 5 kids down the line it is a little too late to be "the love of somebodys life". Why not just be happy that you have a good man to share your life with?

It is pretty immature to set out to make unhappiness by comparing yourself to a dead woman. You both have a lot of baggage. You married and abusive shit and proceeded to have 5 kids with him. He married a fantastic woman and lost her. You cant expect to compare notes and conclude you are in the same boat. I think you just need to change your outlook and try be happy with what you have got. He has taken on a woman with a lot of hurt and spite (it seems) and her 5 kids. Frankly, you need to stop drinking and try cherish life a little