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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is drinking in secret

29 replies

Ballsballsballs · 03/04/2013 00:53

I'm a regular on here - please don't out me if you recognise me as I don't want to link this post to my usual name.

My DH drinks a lot. It's been like this on and off since we met. He's a happy, stupid and occasionally boring drunk. Not violent - just stupid and clumsy and tedious.

He's recently started doing what my XH used to do - drinking in 'secret'. He's got bottles and boxes of wine (badly) hidden in his office, where he spends most of his time. My XH was an abusive drunk and he used to do this, except he drank cider and became more abusive.

I know what I have to do - I can't stick around to watch him kill himself. I'm revising for exams (mature student) and have decided to move out after they are finished in May.

Please tell me to do it and not stick around waiting for things to change. And if anyone's got a hug spare that'd be awesome.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 03/04/2013 01:09

Sending you hugs. Have you spoken to him about this?

Maryz · 03/04/2013 01:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodyGumDrop · 03/04/2013 01:12

Oh crap, sorry this has happened to you twice.

You probably already know this but i don't think there's much you can do to stop an alcoholic if he is one. Have you talked about the drinking with him?

Original poster
Ballsballsballs · 03/04/2013 01:18

Thanks everyone. We don't have kids, which makes the decision easier.

Last week he promised t to go to the doctor after he spent all evening drinking wine from a box he'd hidden in his office. That hasn't happened. Tonight when I said 'have you been drinking?' he lied to my face. So when he wobbled his way upstairs I looked in his room - a box of wine under his desk, others tucked away. In the past I've given ultimatums but they don't work.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 03/04/2013 01:22

:(

I think you know what you've got to do. People rarely save a drinker, they have to save themself.

(hug)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2013 01:24

Do not stick around any longer than you have to, move out in May or earlier than that if you are able to.

Have a hug too.

I would look at your own self as well longer term and work out exactly why you chose to get involved with another alcoholic again. You have made this fundamental error twice; don't let there be a third time for you.

BTW an ultimatum can only be issued once and once only; if they are not followed through at the time they lose all their power.

Maryz · 03/04/2013 01:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynier · 03/04/2013 01:41

Probably uninteresting to you, OP, and others but, some months ago, I responded to a post about a heavy drinker and said that the person needed self-control and discipline. Gee Whizz, did I get slated!!! Everyone exploded with fury and said that alcoholism is a disease/illness!

UnlikelyAmazonian · 03/04/2013 02:09

Jynier can you link ? sounds awful for you.

jynier · 03/04/2013 03:21

I did completely change my mind after I googled "alcoholism" and read the facts.

Then NC!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/04/2013 08:36

Life's far too short to waste one second of it with a selfish liar. It's a shame he has an alcohol problem but there's nothing you can do about it. Good luck

Nellymay · 03/04/2013 12:01

I've been where you are Balls The bottles hidden everywhere!! i even took him to casualty after a bad fall not realising it was the drink - I'd thought he was cutting it back and didn't twig that he was drinking whiskey chasers while i was at work.
I stayed around (unwisely) and eventually he got cancer of the mouth -The oncologist told us it was directly related to alcohol and smoking - he died - an alcoholic who put alcohol before everything in his life, me, children, his dignity, the lot.

I've re-built my life now but it took me at least 5 years to get over the emotional damage. i'm now happy, strong and content

You can do it - you owe it to yourselfBalls

Sallyingforth · 03/04/2013 12:55

OP your thread title is wrong and you know it. There is no such thing as a "secret" drinking - just one who is ashamed of their habit and tries to hide it away.
"In the past I've given ultimatums but they don't work." That's because you haven't carried them out.
You have to give him the final one - fight the booze with my support or stay with it on your own. AND CARRY IT OUT. The shock of you leaving may be the only thing to save him.

deliasmithy · 03/04/2013 15:44

Alchol is so toxic.

It sounds like you have made a good decision op. You've told him what you need from him and he has ignored it.

Alcohol or not, having your needs fobbed off is not healthy.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 03/04/2013 17:08

Balls only he can decide to stop drinking, an ultimatum from you will not make that happen.

Concentrate on acing your exams and look at Al-anon to see if you think you would benefit from their support.

It is a disease but one he has to fight alone.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 03/04/2013 17:09

Oh and my first ever MN (((hugs)))

Original poster
Ballsballsballs · 13/02/2014 01:47

I'm still here and, funnily enough, it hasn't got any better. Now he's hiding vodka bottles, his drinking has really accelerated.

I'm getting out, will definitely do so in May after my exams. That'll give me time to sort out my finances and my stuff

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/02/2014 02:03

Balls I'm so sorry.

I assume that you confronted him back when you posted in April last year, so the fact that it's accelerated is pretty much all the answer you need.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/02/2014 02:15

As long as he remains a clumsy, silly, boring drunk rather than an aggressive one, you're safe enough to take your time and make your plans. But don't tell him that you are leaving. Don't even stop nagging him about his drinking. Keep everything the same (on your part) as it always has been until you have your bags packed and your new home ready and waiting.
Bon Voyage and best of luck.

Original poster
Ballsballsballs · 13/02/2014 09:50

Thanks Tortoise and SGB.

I'd add 'unpredictable' to that list now. Getting up at 2am to have a cigarette and turning the bloody heating on, or leaving all the lights on, or falling asleep on the toilet with the fan going...

Long term I am definitely going to seek counselling. I'm pretty sure my boundary issues stem from my fucked up childhood. I don't want another alkie in my life.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 13/02/2014 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ballsballsballs · 13/02/2014 10:34

Thanks Precious.

I'm thinking of May because I've got a lot of stuff to sort out. I'll be moving from a semi to a room in a shared house. But I'm honestly not sure I can last that long. I can hardly bear to look at him at the moment. He disgusts me.

Thankfully the smoke alarms are okay, so that's one less thing to worry about :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballsballsballs · 14/02/2014 12:18

I cried all over my MIL yesterday - she asked how I was and I told her.

I also cried when speaking to a solicitor on the phone. We both agreed I can't afford him, but he was lovely and gave me some free advice. Top bloke.

OP posts:
scornedwoman67 · 14/02/2014 12:29

Big hugs to you. I did OU exams through an affair and separation. Its horrendous. You will get your exams and be proud of your achievements despite him x

SwimmingClose · 14/02/2014 17:06

And (not being facile I hope, at least not my intention), there's always TravelLodge. Good luck x