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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mum not coming to my wedding

86 replies

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 15:54

I'm getting married in four days time. My mother has just phoned to tell me it is too cold and therefore she won't be coming!

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, not a pleasant illness but she does have medication to keep it under control. She said she needs to think of herself, and the cold can make her symptoms worse, so she won't be coming.

We have an awkward relationship,, certainly on my side, and she has been pretty lacking at times as a parent. She had mental health issues as I was growing up and they're not all resolved now. I was almost expecting this, but still feel upset. It's only a small registry office wedding, but she's the only family I have!

Not even sure why I'm posting, just looking for some understanding I think.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 01/04/2013 15:57

Oh wow, am sorry you are so upset so close to your wedding.

Does your mother not get on with your fiance? I take it the wedding/reception is indoors?

ThePinkOcelot · 01/04/2013 15:57

Sorry to hear that Spotty. A pretty lame excuse really, isn't it? You are bound to be upset by this. Not sure what else to say really. Here is an unmumsnet hug ((((())))).xx

LittleBairn · 01/04/2013 15:58

That's really mean of her. I hope you have a lovely day without her.

NinaHeart · 01/04/2013 16:00

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Does she want you to plead with her (and find out her importance to you)? Or are you able to just let it go, knowing that ultimately it is her loss not yours. You will be married and will have people who really care about you around you - she wil have lost the opportunity to attend a really special occasion.

waltermittymissus · 01/04/2013 16:01

My MIL did this to my DH a few days before our wedding.

He ended up with his db and dd there and nobody else. They all took her side.

It's horrible. I'm so sorry.

Original poster

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 16:01

kinky yes she gets on fine with him, and yes everything is indoors, there will be very little exposure to the outside temperatures apart from a quick dash from the car to the door.

I've no doubt this will be tied up with the fact that I haven't rung or been to visit her this weekend - despite having a toddler with a stomach bug and a wedding in a few days time. She never tries to contact me but will often take offence if I don't contact her on a regular basis (according to some hidden agenda of hers that I haven't yet fathomed).

Sigh.

OP posts:

iamsmokingafag · 01/04/2013 16:02

She may turn up anyway - sounds like attention seeking behaviour. Such a mean thing to do.
Hope you have a lovely day

Original poster

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 16:03

nina yes I think you could be right on the pleading front, but as you say it is her loss really. I just feel a bit disappointed by it.

OP posts:

toffeelolly · 01/04/2013 16:03

She sounds really mean, hope you have a lovely day do not let her spoilt it for you. Have a fab day

VBisme · 01/04/2013 16:04

I hope you have a lovely day despite your mums odd behaviour.

She sounds like a drama queen, let it go and focus on the people that bring joy to your life.

Bproud · 01/04/2013 16:05

That is very hard for you, and of course you feel upset.

So you have 2 choices - either you tackle her and explain that you are upset and you want her to come, or you ignore and decide to have a good day and not let her spoil it for you.

You also need to think of yourself, and only you can decide whether you want to face the confrontation with her at this time, and what the consequences of her decision will be.
From my own experience this sounds like it may be the final straw - but please remember this is a decision she has made, it is not your fault.
Have a lovely wedding day!

Graceparkhill · 01/04/2013 16:07

I was wondering if your mum has anxiety issues? Perhaps it is better to know she is not coming rather than she doesn't show on the day.
Could you pop round later with cake/ photos so you still feel she is part of your wedding?

NinaHeart · 01/04/2013 16:10

Spotty, I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day and here's to a long and happy marriage for you and your soon to be H.

VenusRising · 01/04/2013 16:12

Hope you have a lovely day- just think you can concentrate on having fun, rather than looking after her. (Also have an attention seeking, self absorbed, emotionally absent mum)

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 01/04/2013 16:16

Just remember the wedding is about your and your fiance and dc, they are your family.

I half expect my mum not to come to my wedding party when I eventually get round to having it/getting married. We plan on going away with dss dsd and her bf, getting married then celebrating when home. If it's a Saturday night my mum will go to her usual working men's club. I couldn't care less tbh but it will be a bit embarrassing when people ask where she is. She's a good woman though but I just know she won't miss her Saturday at the club

All the best for your day

JustinBsMum · 01/04/2013 16:22

She could come along and be 'ill' or 'in pain' and just dominate the day. Perhaps better she isn't there.

Original poster

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 16:22

Thank you all so much for your loveliness!

Sometimes it's nice to get some perspective, difficult dynamics in relationships can confuse the issue. In many ways I wish I'd shifted her further out of my life a long time ago, but hey ho, there's always a bit of me that feels sorry for her I think.

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RabidCarrot · 01/04/2013 16:23

Sorry your mother is so awful but she is the one missing out and to be honest it sounds like you will have a better day without her there

Congratulations and have a lovely day

nenevomito · 01/04/2013 16:25

Like the others have said, I'm not surprised you're feeling upset as your mum is letting you down again.

I hope she comes to her senses and makes it to your wedding. If not its her loss and I hope you have a wonderful day anyway.

Hopasholic · 01/04/2013 16:26

It really does sound like she's wanting you to beg and plead.

I'd respond with a ' well that's a shame mum, but ultimately it's your choice' and leave it at that

Make it clear that from now on, your priority is with your DH and DC

I don't know why but in my head when my Dm has tried these kinda stunts in the past, I always told myself 'don't feed the monster'and it honestly has worked. She never even tries to pull that kinda shit anymore, because I just don't let her, and believe me she's tried some corkers in the past.

Have a lovely wedding day, she'll regret it but that is her problem

Noggie · 01/04/2013 16:28

Hope you can put your mums decision to the side and have a fabulous day whatever her motivation it is her decision to miss out x

Kiriwawa · 01/04/2013 16:31

What a silly woman she is - cutting off her nose to spite her face :(

She may be doing you a favour as it does sound a bit as if she might invent some kind of drama if she were there anyway because you're going to be getting all the attention otherwise.

I really hope you have a lovely day.

springyhippychick · 01/04/2013 16:32

aw how upsetting for you. I can't know what's going on with her but, whatever way you look at it, it seems very unfair to do this just days before. Some people regularly do one over, I've found. As long as you know that's the score and not to put any trust in anything, you can just about survive. However, your wedding?? That seems particularly horrible (((((hug)))))

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/04/2013 16:38

I didn't invite my family to our wedding, it doesn't matter on the day because everyone's so happy for you.

Original poster

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 16:45

Yes you are all right, in the run up to this I've had several 'but what about me' style conversations.

At one point she asked me what I was wearing as she needed to look the best on the day!

Am feeling a bit better now, thank you all for being so kind.

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