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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum not coming to my wedding

86 replies

Spottytin · 01/04/2013 15:54

I'm getting married in four days time. My mother has just phoned to tell me it is too cold and therefore she won't be coming!

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, not a pleasant illness but she does have medication to keep it under control. She said she needs to think of herself, and the cold can make her symptoms worse, so she won't be coming.

We have an awkward relationship,, certainly on my side, and she has been pretty lacking at times as a parent. She had mental health issues as I was growing up and they're not all resolved now. I was almost expecting this, but still feel upset. It's only a small registry office wedding, but she's the only family I have!

Not even sure why I'm posting, just looking for some understanding I think.

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/04/2013 21:37

The cake is part of her manipulation.

Don't rise to it, buy another cake (if you want one) and just get on with it.

(((hug)))

cjel · 01/04/2013 22:21

I hope I don't get flamed for this , and am quite happy to be wrong but feel the need to say it any way - sorry in advance- . As someone who has suffered with MH issues my first thought was that perhaps she is making herself ill with the worry of going and has used the weather as a kinder excuse than telling you of her anxiety because she knows how silly it sounds. as for the cake if she is struggling with her nerves I would say how much you want it, can't collect it but would love to arrange to have it delivered if she really feels she can't bring it. Say that it will be warm at the wedding, you'd really love her to be there, will miss her but understand if she is unable to make it. there I said it!!

Aussiebean · 01/04/2013 23:38

I am getting married on Monday and I dream of my mum doing this. Fingers still crossed.

She is manipulative, negative, spiteful and the world revolves around her. I had a serious thought of not inviting her but the fall out for my brothers would be huge. As it is, my wonderful family are rallying around and keeping her away from me.

I get the poster who talked about mental health issues and she has a point. But the op will know if her mum is just scared and making an excuse or trying it on for attention. Which it sounds like.

If she doesn't come, then you know she won't try and take the light away from you or event something that takes your attention away from the moment.

Don't lie when people ask where she is. It is not your job to protect her reputation. My guess is she is hanging by the phone waiting for your call about the cake. Don't give her the satisfaction. If she calls you, tell her you thought she would courier it to you as the cake was her responsibility.

Don't rise to her, and enjoy your day free of her games.

Congratulations x

Tortington · 01/04/2013 23:42

i reckon the 'wasted' money on the cake might make her make contact.

I think you are doing the right thing, its power play, and shes being a mean old twat.

have a lovely day

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 01/04/2013 23:45

cjel I have anxiety ( or would but for marvelous meds) and would never ask a bride what's she wearing as I need to look the best.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 01/04/2013 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Milly22 · 01/04/2013 23:57

Sounds selfish and obviously seeking attention when it should all be on you and H to be. Carry on regardless and look forward to YOUR day and think of the people who will be there for you both. Don't waste your precious time worrying about her awful behaviour and enjoy the build up. She'll end up regretting it, you'll see. Congratulations and good luck Flowers

cjel · 02/04/2013 09:46

Juniper, No but it could be another worry of hers about her being there and she feels a security in finding out all details? - I also know that in a perfect world DM should only be thinking of her daughter and not giving her any of his stress before her special day but when you have this level of anxiety even with wonderful meds the nature of the beast is that you are so worried about yourself that normal thoughts don't come into it.

I hope OP that you have a lovely wedding and don't allow her manipulation (caused by whatever) give you any hassle.

Original poster
Spottytin · 02/04/2013 16:51

Sadly I think her MH issues are worse than anxiety, although certainly when I was growing up that was one aspect of her issues we had to deal with.

Have spoken to some friends who are travelling down to me on Thursday who have kindly said they will go and get the cake, I will ring her this evening just to find out how they go about getting it.

The stupid thing now is I actually feel guilty that she's not coming, that when she asked if she was walking me down the aisle I should have said yes, instead of telling her I was happier just walking down with my two girls!

Think I might join the stately homes thread to explore some of this further.....

OP posts:
cjel · 02/04/2013 18:51

So glad you have an offer to get cake. Don't let her get to you. I think civility would be ok but just that. I f you really want her to walk you down the isle mention it again but if you are feeling guilty because you think you 'ought' to, be careful what you say. I hope you manage to not let her spoil this time for you, can't be easy with MH issues Enjoy your special timexx

BerylStreep · 02/04/2013 19:31

oh, that explains it. Is she sulking because you don't want to walk down the aisle?

Funny, my narc dad cut me out of his life soon after I got married and didn't have him walking me down the aisle. He walked out on his 5 kids when we were young, and despite owning his own very successful firm, climbing in the Himalayas etc, he left us in pretty much abject poverty.

BerylStreep · 04/04/2013 14:39

Hey Spottytin, I hope you have a fab day tomorrow.

onefewernow · 04/04/2013 14:48

Poor you. It isn't the RA- my H has it.

Also spoke with a friend who has it on this very cold morning, and she was walking the dogs.

It can be for some a very painful condition but I havnt come across cold as relevant.

Still, may be different for some.?

Good luck for tomorrow.

NewPatchesForOld · 04/04/2013 14:54

Spottytin I had this from my narc M...(and yes I am on the stately homes thread!!!). I was getting married in Gretna, the arrangements were to pick her and my brother etc up in a mini bus, drive half way, put everyone up in a nice hotel for the night, then carry on up to Gretna for the wedding, and same coming back. All expenses paid. When I told my Narc Brother that I was getting married he said 'I'm working that day', I said 'but you don't know when it is' and he said 'doesn't matter, I'll be working'. So that was him and his family struck off the list. Then for the entire week before hand M rang up saying yes she'd come, next day no she wouldn't, then yes she would, then no she wouldn't...it carried on until I switched my phone off and refused to take her calls anymore and got married with just my 2 DC there. It was all about her...it was too far to go, it would be cold, she didn't like Scotland (had never been!).

It completely spoilt the lead up to the wedding.

As it turns out I was marrying a nasty, evil, abusive, perverted twunt but they didn't know that at the time, and neither did I!

NewPatchesForOld · 04/04/2013 14:55

And if I ever get married again it will be just me, DP and the DC...registry office, nice meal and home. Grin

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/04/2013 15:26

Hi Op. It sounds, from what you have said about her, as though it is actually going to be a BONUS, her not coming to the wedding! You can then be really free to enjoy the day.

I would just say 'oh dear that is a shame, but you must do what feels best for you.' and then be glad that it is her own fault she isn't there and not yours. At the moment she is selfishly creating a drama four days before the run up to your wedding. I would give her as little attention as possible over this.

Good you have friends to pick up the cake, but if that doesn't work out, it is only a cake and your wedding will still be lovely without it.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Original poster
Spottytin · 09/04/2013 09:54

Well everyone I thought I would come back to let you all know we had a wonderful day, the sun shone (although it was still freezing!), the reception was great and all my dear friends made such an effort for us. Everyone got drunk and had a good old knees up at the evening party and I have some lovely memories.

And those of you who suggested it was better if my mother wasn't there were right, wow what a joy having a day all about me!

Back to reality now, have heard nothing from her since, no call, no card. Am off for a few days away today so will worry about how to tackle contact when we return.

Thank you for all your good wishes!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/04/2013 09:58

I'm glad you had a lovely day - congratulations! I do think you had a better day than you would have with your mum around and you're lucky she's the one who said she wouldn't come, rather than you having to tell her not to come.

Have a lovely honeymoon - hope it's somewhere warm.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2013 09:59

I think I just wouldn't mention the wedding when you call. "How are you? Everything OK?" that sort of thing.

BerylStreep · 09/04/2013 10:03

Glad you had a great day!

AnonymousBird · 09/04/2013 10:05

YEY for your lovely lovely day!!!! Congratulations.

Alwayscheerful · 09/04/2013 10:07

Congratulations, so pleased you all enjoyed our day, how was the cake?

DontmindifIdo · 09/04/2013 10:11

Yay! It was round my wedding that I suddenly realised it didn't matter if my mum was happy or not. It does sound like you had a better time without her.

I actually wouldn't phone just yet, if you can, post her a selection of wedding photos. She chose to miss her own DD's wedding, let her see you having a fantastic time with her being left out.

lucysnowe · 09/04/2013 10:13

Aw, just seen this. Just wanted to say, my mum has RA as well and is a recluse, and hasn't been to either of my children's Christenings or birthdays or anything, so I do really sympathise. I'm so glad you had a good day!

Alwayscheerful · 09/04/2013 10:19

My Mother cooked a roast dinner on a Sunday every week of my entire childhood. In fact come to think of it she has cooked one every sunday of her entire adult life. The sunday roast completely dominated Sundays.

I enjoy cooking Sunday lunch occasionally and think it is more appreciated when served occasionally, we all eat each too much and take food too much for granted. Children can be just as happy with Beans on toast, spaghetti bolognese or sandwiches with granary bread and a few crisps.

You sound like a lovely stepmum, the children will remember being happy and cared for more than any thing else. You are doing a great job.