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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice/opinions appreciated

90 replies

NutherChange · 31/03/2013 16:21

Here are so facts so not too drip feed, but protect identity...

Been dating a guy for almost a year who is significantly younger than me.

I have DC's he does not, however, he says he does not want any of his own.

Relationship fantastic in most ways; he's honest, caring, good with children, good to me etc.

Problem is: After almost a year, I've not been introduced to any family or friends. I've confronted him several times (checked if his family are unhappy with age gap etc) he says everything is fine. Is this normal? I'm starting to think he's embarrassed or something.

He stays at my house almost every night so really don't think he's involved in any other relationship, never found any evidence of this.

So what's the problem?

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 31/03/2013 16:29

I'd have a "serious" talk with him and find out what the problem is?

Does it matter to you what his family think? And so what if they don't like it?

HeySoulSister · 31/03/2013 16:30

It might be they don't fully approve?

What's the gap?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 16:31

It doesn't matter what his family think as such, it's the fact that it's looking more and more like there's a problem he isn't telling me about iyswim?

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Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 16:31

16 year gap. I've told him I could fully understand if they don't approve.

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HeySoulSister · 31/03/2013 16:38

You've been together a while now. I'd talk to him, he clearly wants to be with you

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 16:43

HeySoulSister

He has told me over and over that he does want to be with me, however, the problem is that I have talked him and get no clear answers. Maybe it's just me, but I think that if you want to be with somebody, why not make them a part of your life? The way it is at the moment, I feel really cut off from his life.

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badinage · 31/03/2013 17:53

How did you meet this bloke?

I don't think I'd be able to say I really 'knew' a bloke if I hadn't met his family or his friends.

Have you been to his house or his workplace?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 17:59

That's what I think I'm trying so say badinage I don't feel like I really 'know' him. He now knows all of my family, friends etc, and yet, I know nothing of his.

Been outside his house in the car, quite a few times, workplace, no.

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Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:00

Forgot to say, I met him locally, spoken to him a couple of times, he asked for my number, then asked me out on a date.

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badinage · 31/03/2013 18:07

Right so you haven't been inside his house, or his workplace and nor have you met his family or friends. So you only 'know' what he wants you to see.

Have you googled him or looked him up on social networks?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:09

Yes and yes, nothing on google and he's not on any social networks, he doesn't like the whole facebook thing etc, and he's not very technically minded.

Any thoughts?

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badinage · 31/03/2013 18:15

Done a 192 check on his house? Checked the voters register? Double-checked he works where he says he does?

My thoughts are that he's got another life somewhere.

But I'm going to be honest here, sorry. I just can't imagine having a relationship for this long and exposing a bloke to my kids without knowing much more about him.

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:18

I completely agree with you, kids are much older, 2 grown up, never been alone with him. Not making excuses but would have been a totally different story if they had been younger.

I appreciate your opinion, and I'm thinking either another life or some other reason, but it really does not seem normal to me.

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badinage · 31/03/2013 18:23

One of the reasons some people stay off social networks and erase all online traces is because they don't want people to find them. Sometimes this is for sound reasons (e.g to prevent stalking, dislike of technology) but often it's to stop people finding out about the double lives they are leading.

This might sound ridiculous, but have you even verified that he's given you the correct name? If you've never seen any post addressed to him or heard anyone call him by his name, how do you know he's not given you a false identity and that's why you can find 'no trace' of him?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:30

I know for 100% fact that he has given me his correct identity information, seen his drivers licence, been to hospital appointments where his details have been verified, and 'bumped' into the odd person he know while out and about who have called him by his name.

I really don't know what to think anymore, I'm getting to the point of seriously considering ending the relationship, which seems a shame as it's so good in every other way.

OP posts:
Toasttoppers · 31/03/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage · 31/03/2013 18:40

Have you been on any holidays with him where you've spent a week or fortnight with him?

How was he when you bumped into someone he knew? Did he introduce you and refer to you as his partner?

You didn't say whether you've made any of the other checks I suggested?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:40

Thank you so much for your advice/opinions. You are basically all saying what I'm thinking. Up to this point I didn't want to be 'bunny boiler,' but glad you are all confirming it's not just me.

Agree about the fake Facebook, I have two accounts, think a lot of people do, and yes I thought it very odd as he is under 30.

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ChippingInIsEggceptional · 31/03/2013 18:42

I think you would do well to end the relationship. It is not normal or healthy not to have met any of his family or friends or been inside his house in a year. There is something majorly wrong here and if he wont discuss it then get out. The bits of him you are getting be lovely - but you are not 'getting' all of him & that's concerning - both from the fact that fuck knows what he's hiding, but also that he wont talk to you about it. That's no basis for a relationship.

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:43

Not checked the electoral roll. Been away for a weekend, he's keen to go away for two weeks this year.

He did introduce me as his 'girlfriend,' if I'm honest he has seemed a little embarrassed when he did, so much so, if he sees anybody he know now while we're out, I make myself busy elsewhere and walk away.

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ChippingInIsEggceptional · 31/03/2013 18:44

The thing is - you could spend time (even more than you have already) trying to 'find him on line' or going to his house unexpectedly or his place of work - but really, why bother? He wants to hide part of his life from you, tell him to go and hide it all from you - it's too weird and life's too short to be with someone who isn't prepared to give you their all.

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:45

Thanks chipping you're bang on and looking like what I'm going to have to do.

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ChippingInIsEggceptional · 31/03/2013 18:45

Why?

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 31/03/2013 18:47

I meant - why were you 'letting him off' like that, not why do you do it.

It's crap though I know x

Still, try to look on the brightside - you will then be free to meet someone else and have a much healthier relationship!

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 18:50

I'm not going to bother finding out why, like you say, he's clearly hiding something, let him hide it all. Nobody needs this in their life.

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