Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice/opinions appreciated

90 replies

NutherChange · 31/03/2013 16:21

Here are so facts so not too drip feed, but protect identity...

Been dating a guy for almost a year who is significantly younger than me.

I have DC's he does not, however, he says he does not want any of his own.

Relationship fantastic in most ways; he's honest, caring, good with children, good to me etc.

Problem is: After almost a year, I've not been introduced to any family or friends. I've confronted him several times (checked if his family are unhappy with age gap etc) he says everything is fine. Is this normal? I'm starting to think he's embarrassed or something.

He stays at my house almost every night so really don't think he's involved in any other relationship, never found any evidence of this.

So what's the problem?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/03/2013 21:23

How old is he, OP? He lives at home and yet you have grown up children. What do you think about that?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 31/03/2013 21:36

Not looking forward to the war years Sad

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 31/03/2013 21:36

Dam...wrong thread Blush

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 21:42

Imperial I don't think anything odd about it, I'd have to give out far too many personal details to explain, there is a 16 year age gap, I had my DC young, they are now grown, he's older than some to be living at home, but not old enough for it to be alarming.

OP posts:
Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 21:44

Just to add, I appreciate all the feedback that I've had, it's good to hear a variety of opinions to enable me to see this from different angles.

OP posts:
badinage · 31/03/2013 21:50

Men are people too with problems and insecurities etc and not all monsters whatever your experience might be.

I know. I've been married for oodles of years now to a very nice man and also have equally lovely sons and son-in-law designates. Plus a load of fantastic male friends. I have absolutely no personal experience of bad treatment from the men in my life and if any bloke has tried to undermine me either at work or before I met my husband and was dating, they got short shrift from me.

It's precisely because I've seen better behaviour in men that I rail against the many excuses that are made for their fellow men's shitty behaviour when it happens. It infantilises men and yet again props up this myth that women should put up with any old rubbish because a man is insecure, or embarrassed or because he's a fully functioning human being in some areas, if not all.

The OP (though I agree rather belatedly) has got her head screwed on about this. She knows that it's not enough for a bloke to meet minimum expectations of kindness, generosity and companionship. If a bloke's hiding a major part of his life from you and you sense is so embarrassed meeting people he knows when he's with you that it's better to make yourself scarce, then it's not bloody good enough.

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 31/03/2013 21:53

Nuther - in light of your post at 20.42 I think it's even more vital for you to get out of this relationship. Although you have spent time on your own (& quite possibly had other relationships?) the fact that you were in a seriously bad relationship isn't good - you might be seeing 'A Good Guy' when in fact some of the rest of us would see A Better Than The Other Guy But Not Good Guy.

If it were his family he was embarrassed about a) he'd have introduced you to his friends, b) by the time you've been together a year you should have established your committment to each other 'despite' pretty much any family behaviour (other than criminal I guess) and he should have told you that.

I don't buy the 'he's insecure crap' but even if it were true - this relationship is not nurturing you - it's making you feel totally crap about yourself and as you have said yourself - no one needs that in their life :(

Brave up to it and do what you know you need to do
x

DistanceCall · 31/03/2013 21:56

I think you should at least tell him about this. Then see what he says. There's always time to drop him (you do say you love him, after all).

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 22:04

I probably should clarify that I have talked to him about this and explained how it is making me feel, and made clear that the situation was making me question whether the relationship is right for me. He was shocked and upset and made clear that he wanted the relationship to work, and assured me that he does want me to meet his family and friends, however, this hasn't happened, which is why I find myself again considering what to do.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 31/03/2013 22:11

Has he ever given reasons??

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 22:16

Shipwrecked not really. He cited the illness of one of his parents, but it still would not explain his friends. To be fair, he doesn't see his friends often, but does keep regular contact.

I also do not see my closest friend often, but keep regular contact, I told her about the relationship, and she was keen for me to arrange a meeting, which I did.

OP posts:
badinage · 31/03/2013 22:26

Do you have any actual evidence that he's told his parents and friends about you? Or that you're 16 years older and have children?

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 22:30

I don't know about actual evidence he's told his parents, he calls them in front of me and refers to me by name, they also sent me a gift at Christmas (strange I know as I've never met them!). As for evidence that they know about the age gap and the fact I'm divorced with children the age mine are, no, I have no evidence of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 22:34

I have done the 192 check this evening too, all present and correct.

Like I said I have 'bumped' into people he knows and he has introduced me. I have no idea if those people would have known how old I was as quite often I'm told I look much younger than I am.

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 31/03/2013 23:13

Fair enough *badinage" . I do see your point. Smile

CandyCrushed · 31/03/2013 23:25

My bet is that he is embarrassed of the age gap or of his parents.
Do you know how old they are? They could be almost the same age as you, which could be a little awkward.

Original poster
NutherChange · 31/03/2013 23:28

I checked their age before I got involved Candy and thankfully they are a lot older than me!

Have thought about him being embarrassed of them, but still would not explain the friends. I guess only he really knows the answer. So annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
NutherChange · 01/04/2013 12:21

I have made the decision to end the relationship. After listening to all of your points of view and advice, I have decided that this is the best course of action for me.

I will be doing this at the weekend as he has a very serious situation going on this week (which I do have proof of) and feel that it would be inappropriate. I had already asked for time apart this week anyway due to things that I have going on.

I came to the conclusion that, as nice as the relationship has been, it has nonetheless resulted in making me feel worthless, something which my previous abusive marriage had done, just in a more obvious and abusive way.

In a way, it's harder to walk away from this relationship as in every other way it's been really good, and I do love the guy. Walking away from my marriage was a no-brainer and a relief as my EXH had been so abusive.

I have figured that, if he valued our relationship in the way that he claims he does, he would have dealt with this situation, as I had made him aware of the way it was affecting me. I'm sure when I come to have 'the talk' he will have seen it coming anyway.

I once again want to thank everybody who has helped me. I hope that anybody who reads this thread is made aware that even 'good relationships' with 'good guys' can result in damaging your self-esteem, and and as one poster quite rightly pointed out, anybody in any relationship should not just 'accept' things because the rest of the relationship is meeting minimum standards.

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 01/04/2013 17:10

Im glad you have made a decision you are happy with Nuther. Im sure its a very tough one from all that you have said. Your obviously a very strong woman now given your past experiences and are putting your own needs and emotional happiness first, as it should be. I really wish you well and good luck,peacefulness and happiness with everything.Flowers

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 01/04/2013 19:53

I'm glad you have made that decision, but sorry that you have to do it & that he didn't deal with the situation when you told him how you felt. Big hugs. Let us know how it goes OK x

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/04/2013 20:04

Sorry to hear of the end of a relationship but I am also glad you have made this decision, it sounds like it is the best one for you and I totally agree with your reasons for doing so.

Good luck and look after yourself xx

Original poster
NutherChange · 01/04/2013 20:37

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Will update to let you all know how it went x

OP posts:
Redflagcatcher · 01/04/2013 20:51

Good luck nuther, I went through a surprisingly similar experience last year. Now with someone who is an open book and I realise how scary and damaging my relationship with "lovely but closed" man was.

Quicknamechange2012 · 01/04/2013 21:03

It sounds like you really value your own self-worth Nuther which is a great strength to have.

Not going to give too many details as it'll out me but my sister was in a similar relationship which ended recently aft TEN years and she still hadn't met his friends or family by then (they lived about 30mins drive away!) So now she's ten years older, none the wiser about him and feels that she's just wasted some of the best years of her life.

So it's great that you can see the need to finish this now, good luck to you.

Original poster
NutherChange · 01/04/2013 21:53

Thank you for continuing to share your experiences.

I had been single for 5 years due to previous relationship. Think I was so busy congratulating myself on choosing somebody totally non-abusive that I did not consider this! He has been my first relationship since the end of my marriage.

OP posts: