Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

256 replies

Twinkletwinklestars · 26/03/2013 21:45

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

OP posts:
Lueji · 26/03/2013 21:59

Sure, you tell him to get the fuck out and put down another poor woman.

He's not nice and not a good dad. :(

MadBraLady · 26/03/2013 22:01

Twinkle, he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. I'm not surprised you're struggling to get by if he shouts at you and tells you you're thick and shouldn't talk every day. How would anyone be able to get back into their groove with the partner who's supposed to love them constantly taking them down?

What are the consequences of you not having tea ready on time? And why if his priority is you getting back to work has he imposed this weird condition that you can only apply to work nights?

You can't "fix" the relationship if the fundamental problem is that's he horrible.

Lueji · 26/03/2013 22:03

How exactly has he scared you?

Mumsyblouse · 26/03/2013 22:05

He is scary, shouty and abusive. No wonder you don't know what to do. He doesn't sound nice at all, and a nice dad wouldn't do that daily to the mother of his children- I bet they hear all the shouting.

Have you got a friend you can confide in in real-life, or a family member? I would be looking to get out of this situation, he sounds scary and you sound ground-down. Hopefully some other posters will be along in a minute with some more practical advice on how to do this.

HotCrossPun · 26/03/2013 22:14

He sounds like an emotional head-fuck.

He's not a good dad if he is shouting and frightening the mother of his children.

You deserve so much better than this, OP.

izzyizin · 26/03/2013 22:31

Having his tea ready on time is getting harder too Omigod Angry
Why can't he get his own tea 'on time' and make yours too?

He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk Take him at his word. Don't do a thing and you won't be able to get it wrong, will you? And if you don't talk he won't be able to find fault with what you say. But, needless to say, that won't suit him either.

He's a not good dad, he's not a nice person and he only gets on with people who don't have the misfortune to live with him.

What ARE you doing allowing this abusive piece of gobshite to dictate terms and force you and your dc to listen to his rants on a daily basis?

Please give Women's Aid a call www.womensaid.org.uk and the next time he kicks off, call the police and have him removed from your home - it might just give him the incentive he sorely needs to clean up his act and get it together to become a caring and responsible parent and a loving h.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2013 05:30

He's not a nice person, he's a bully that's making you feel miserable. Of course he gets on with other people. Bullies never pick on people who might fight back. Anyone can be an 'amazing calm man' when there are no challenges and they are getting all their own way. Decent men don't shout, scream, scare the crap out their partners and make them feel like rubbish. Abuse often only appears after the arrival of the first child.... they know you're vulnerable, have fewer options, and they exploit it.

Don't make excuses for him and please don't think you've brought this on yourself. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and, if he has such a low opinion of you, tell him to leave and find someone more to his liking. Then get yourself to a solicitor and sever this evil man from your life

You and your children do not deserve to be treated this way. You cannot fix a bully... but you can refuse to accept it any more.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 06:27

Thanks for the response I was unsure our relationship was normal anymore.

Madbralady basically I can only work if he does not have to look after our children. He will have our 2yr old but not our baby. I think he's setting me up for a fall. Won't let me work yet it's my fault he has to pay the bills.
If his t isn't ready & house work not up to his standard then he gets a bit angry. He doesn't expect that sort of shit when he's been working hard all day. Then it starts to build up and up, then explode. Depends on how I react to which way it goes. Sometimes he gets really drunk (big problem) sometimes he packs his bags & leaves. Sometimes it's just lots of shouting and banging.
It's hard one I ran the car batt flat at Xmas, he went crazy at me. Slammed my leg in the car door really shouting took my son off. Hated him for that locked me in the car with the baby. It was dark which didn't help I couldn't see where he went. He locked me and the baby in car was scared to move because of alarm.
He knows that there is a level that he shouts at me then I stop, retreat & do whatever he wants. Writing this now I realise there is so much that's not right. X

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2013 06:37

You have become ground down by your abusive H who is neither a good dad to your children and a good H to you.

You cannot fix something that cannot be fixed; also you cannot continue to try and paper over the ever widening cracks. You cannot fix an abusive relationship.

Do contact Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. This is no life for either you or your children to be witness to.

MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 06:44

I think you need to leave.
Your last post is v concerning.

Can you go to your parents or a friends and get some rl help and support?

How old is baby?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 06:53

I spend most of my time confused.
Sometimes he's lovely picks up bread at the shop on his way home. Really kind helps out with our son & takes him out at the weekend.
Other times he's shouting at me to shut up sometimes my son copies Hmm
It's when I can't work out what I e done that I get really upset.
I'm meeting a lady from wa this week long story short had a sw round as there had been a report Of dv.
Guess I'm just trying to suss out if others live like this & if its normal.
He doesn't beat me just little things have happened pushing, small kicks & pinching That's easier then the words at times. He said all women are scared of there husbands they just don't talk about it.
And I love him we have been together most my life. Chessey I no. I want him to change for our children. I don't want to leave just yet I need to no I've done everything to try & fix us. I ow it to our children x

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/03/2013 06:55

When he is out try phoning 101 and talk to the police! This isn't even subtle abuse it is already physical: slamming your leg in the car door.

Have you told your HV anything about this? Do tell people.

Women's aid will also help you. Do something now, please. It will be especially risky this weekend as it is a bank holiday. So please, please reach out first.

overmydeadbody · 27/03/2013 06:55

The only way to fix this would be to leave.

You do know you are not responsible for 'fixing' a relationshi that is never going to work right?

He sounds horrible.

MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 06:58

Gets brad on the way home?
Plays with your son?
That's not being nice twinkle, that's the bare minimum I would expect from a dh and father.
It is NOT normal for a wife to be afraid of her dh. Your dh knows this as he doesn't hurt you in public.

You may want things to change, but from what you've said he sounds dangerous. Please get help from wa this week. I can tell you now if my dh did any of the things you listed he'd have a left a long time ago. It isn't normal.

tribpot · 27/03/2013 06:58

He said all women are scared of there husbands they just don't talk about it.

Jesus Christ. Please believe me that this is completely untrue.

The abuse he's putting you through is just as bad as outright beating. Please take the help of the SW and WA.

overmydeadbody · 27/03/2013 06:58

Oh Twinkle, I just read your last post.

I feel really sorry for you. You need to find the strength to leave this horrible man Sad

It is not normal, and most women are not afraid of their Husbands!

You deserve more than this. Hope WA help you to leave soon.

mummytime · 27/03/2013 06:59

I am not scared of my husband! That is not normal. My husband would be horrified if he thought I (or the children) were scared of him.
And I am a SAHM.

overmydeadbody · 27/03/2013 07:01

Buying bread does not make him a nice person.

He is utterly vile and abusing you quite seriously.

Please tell WA all of this and let them help you.

The only way to fix this is to leave.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 27/03/2013 07:03

Twinkle, I dont normally post on the relationship threads, I tend to take a back seat but I can't sit here and say nothing.

You are in an incredibly abusive marriage / relationship, you have to do something about it. I know it seems like a mountain to climb with the responsibility of young children but things will only get worse. Sad

MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 07:03

Twinkle, on mn sometimes men are being twats, posters are very quick to say 'leave him'.

This is one if the few times you really NEED to leave. You're in danger. You're dc could be in danger. Could you stop him if he turns on your ds or baby (who he hasn't bonded with)?

Seriously twinkle. You need to leave.

pregnantpause · 27/03/2013 07:13

If someone was worried enough about you and your DC suffering abuse to report it, then there is a problem. Someone else recognised that you are abused. Perhaps you should look at his behaviour again. Read your own posts and ask yourself if it was a friend/sister/stranger what advice would you give? What would you think?

Aside from his abuse, he is an atrocious father- he will only look after one of his DC? And only at his leisure? What a prick!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2013 07:38

"Guess I'm just trying to suss out if others live like this & if its normal."

Others do live like this, sadly, but it's neither normal nor acceptable. The fact that you're not sure any more is testament to the fact that he has bullied you into confusion. The fact that someone reported DV must mean things are very bad. Hope the WomensAid person can help you to get properly shot of this horrible man.

toffeelolly · 27/03/2013 07:46

Get out now, he sound's like one evil fucker . If not for yourself do it for your children.

Lueji · 27/03/2013 08:06

Be very aware of this: you can't change him.
He has to want to change.

The only thing you owe your children is a life free of abuse, even if it was "only" witnessing it.
A life with true love at home.

Please make full use of the WA meeting and ask her for help.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2013 08:07

" I don't want to leave just yet I need to no I've done everything to try & fix us. I ow it to our children x"

You can't fix what you didn't break. The more you try, the more he treats you with utter contempt. His foul temper and abusive behaviour is clearly something he saves just for you. This is the man that promised to love, cherish and honour you when you got married..... Hmm Aside from anything else, that makes him a liar.

If you owe your children anything, it's to live in a house where Mum is not treated like some underling that can be kicked, pushed about and screamed at. Get yourself & your children safe and away from him.