Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

256 replies

Twinkletwinklestars · 26/03/2013 21:45

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

OP posts:
MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 12:27

Sw and wa will support you.

They aren't there to send children to children's homes. They are there to help women and families who need help.

None of his behaviour is your fault. None.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 13:03

I no he can change, I've let him be like this. I've been really knacked since we had second baby.
Will they make me leave him, has anyone had to do this before? If so what happens? What will they ask me when I meet them

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 27/03/2013 13:05

Sorry OP, but nobody makes anyone act in anyway. HE has chosen to be a shit to you.

It's perfectly normal to be tired after having a baby and if he doesn't understand that then there's something wrong with HIM not you.

colditz · 27/03/2013 13:08

He's not a good dad, he's not a nice person, and he's making no effort whatsoever to get on with you, is he?

You deserve to be treated better than this.

colditz · 27/03/2013 13:10

The sw wants to help you, just do what she suggests. She will have dealt with situations just like this before.

DistanceCall · 27/03/2013 13:33

"I've let him be like this".

People aren't a certain way because other people let them. Unless you mean it in the sense that a thief is only a thief because he can get away with it, because the police don't catch him.

Do you want to be married to someone who will be a bad person unless you somehow manage not to let him? (Which, by the way, isn't going to happen. This is a grown man. Who can hit you and your children).

JackieTheFart · 27/03/2013 13:36

I am sickened to read this Twinkle. He is abusing you, you have not made him like this, he is just like this.

You are in danger, your children are in danger. You need to leave, please leave.

This is not a normal situation. Please, I am begging you, leave. Leave before he hurts you again.

sassy34264 · 27/03/2013 13:41

I have 4 kids. 3 are under 3 years and the worst, i had 3 under 15 months!!!!

I was understandably knackered (still bloody am!) I can almost guanrantee that my house looked 10 times worse than yours ever could. And i don't always have tea ready. At no point as my dp treated me like your DH. Why?

Could you slam a car door on your Dh's legs? What feelings/thoughts, do you think, you would need to be feeling, to actually do that to your dh.?

I'm guessing, resentment, anger, hatred, deep disrespect.

You can't make someone be abusive to you and then get them to not be by being perfect. They will find another reason to treat you this bad, because it's not about the housework or the kids or the tiredness. They do it cos they want to, believe they are entitled to and quite like the way it works out for them.

I'm sorry but you are fooling only yourself.

Read other abusive posts. They will be eerily similiar to yours. He is not special or unique i'm afraid. He is a run of the mill abusive wanker. I'm sorry. hugs.

foolonthehill · 27/03/2013 13:52

Your relationship is my relationship 18 months ago twinkle...but with 4 DC...don't wait for it to get better, it won't; don't wait for him to reform or realise how to behave, he won't. He knows what he is doing and you cannot change him, make it work or make him better. All you can do is protect yourself and your DC.

It seems hard to leave, but it is much harder to stay.

Take all the help you can and be brave, you CAN do this.

colditz · 27/03/2013 13:52

He's let himself be like this. You are not his parent and he is not a child.

foolonthehill · 27/03/2013 13:55

PS SW were involved with me too...best thing that ever happened to me, He left and they were happy to let me carry on parenting in a non-abusive environemnt

tribpot · 27/03/2013 14:22

Being all sweetness and light is how abusers trap their victims. So you 'knowing' he can change (back to the way he was before) is just part of the mind game of living with an abuser. You think it's your fault - check. You're afraid you'll lose your children (because he's threatened this in the past?) - check. You think if you could just get the tea on he wouldn't get mad (he'd just find something else) - check.

Please let SW and WA help you. They are on your side.

sassy34264 · 27/03/2013 14:47

Plus, if you 'know' he can change, if only you have the house tidier, don't answer back, put his tea on the table etc, won't that mean that his despicable treatment of you, as worked?

You have rewarded his abusive behaviour by being the person he wanted you to be. Job done as far as Mr abuser is concerned..........until next time.

He then finds something else to find fault with - his treatment of you worked last time, why would he try anything else? It's only a matter of time before you blame yourself, change yourself etc and he'll be all happy again..........until next time.

Trust me, you won't recognise yourself in a bit.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/03/2013 15:44

Very difficult not to "reward" abusive behaviour by trying to placate or do what has been asked/demanded so as not to trigger further abusive episodes though sassy ?
As PPs have said often (especially where things are as bad as here) the only realistic way forward is to end the relationship.

Lueji · 27/03/2013 16:07

He can change, but not by anything that you can do. Only him can make himself change.
He chooses to frighten you, to put you down,

You can do something right for yourself and your family and it's to leave him for good.

I had actually missed earlier your account of what happened when the car battery went flat. It's appalling!

Please, please, please, take all the help from the SW and the WA and run like the wind.

He has all the hallmarks of a dangerous abuser.

sassy34264 · 27/03/2013 16:14

Yes it is juggling

My point is though, that it never works. They can never be placated enough or forever.

Self preservation needs to kick in.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 20:28

Thanks for the replies

Im just scared for my dc, scared our family is going to be smashed apart. I really had hope that things would change. He never use to be like this.
Was wondering if they could help him with money worries & life pressures.
I don't no what to expect when I meet them. Don't no what they will ask what will happen. Feel sick Hmm

OP posts:
MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 20:48

Your dh can get help if he wants it alone.

He can be alone for a while. You and your dc will be safe and he could be working on treatment for himself.

This cannot be done together.

He IS dangerous for you and your dc.

Lueji · 27/03/2013 20:54

Remember that if you do split up, it's because of him.
You have been given no choice, given his behaviour, and it will be to protect your children, not to harm them.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 21:26

I no he will want to change.
He knows I have been talking to someone. He knew a couple of weeks ago when I really said this is it change.
I wrote lots down like the stuff I wrote on here. Gave it to him he shrugged it off and threw it. So I picked it up & put it in my bag. This worried him as to who I was giving it to . I thought he would get angry but he didn't. He sat, read & listened. We talked about what is not expectable & he actually acknowledged some stuff and apologised. This is massive for us And he's not gone back since. The worry for me is he may go back. If he could get some help mayb it would really change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 27/03/2013 21:28

Also because of my pnd I'm worried he will say I can't cope. My babies will be taken away from me

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 27/03/2013 21:32

OP, there is a massive misconception that if you have PND that your DC will be taken away. Children are not taken away unless under exceptional circumstances.

MummyNoName · 27/03/2013 21:50

If you are with him tolerating his behaviour there is no reason for him to change. You would be accepting his behaviour and he'll know he can get away with it. And things will escalate. They will.

Once separated, he can get help if he chooses to. So when he has changed and put practices and support in place for himself then you can think about being a family.

Together as you are the dc and yourself are in danger op

He wouldn't do the things he does in public or in front of family now because he knows he is in the wrong. But he gets away with doing it in private. He can control himself, he chooses not to.

tribpot · 27/03/2013 22:54

He can say what he likes. He doesn't get to decide whether your dc are taken away from you.

He's put in two weeks of apparently 'trying to change' because he thinks you've shopped him to someone else, not because he is actually remorseful. When he thought it was just your opinion he threw it back in your face.

Your job is to protect your children from growing up in a damaged and damaging household. Literally everyone on MN who experienced domestic abuse as a child will tell you the same thing. Good luck.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 28/03/2013 15:26

I'm hearing what your saying I'm just really scared.
When he slammed my leg in the car door & was shouting that was in a packed car park. It was dark tho I was really quiet when it happened as he had our ds in his other arm.

Wa cancelled today, there not keen on meeting me with sw. They asked if I was going because the sw said I should. I said yes, meeting them next week now on my own.
Sw called & wants to talk to me with them she's arranging that. She wants us to talk about her speaking to dh. Sw is really confusing me, scaring me. I'm trying to hold on to my little family. Wa suggested something dh & I can do like a programme I think. To help us I want to suggest it to him but not sure how.
Why am I more at risk on bank hols?? I've really dreaded them at times and wkds.

OP posts: