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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

256 replies

Twinkletwinklestars · 26/03/2013 21:45

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 29/03/2013 20:58

Sorry as in quick message, said I was on loo!

Taking my dc with me to meet a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 29/03/2013 21:12

My dm is amazing however the man who fathered me was very violent & controlling. I have nothing to do with him & hide if ever I see him or his family around. So my dm compares other men to him. As in there not as bad as him. Also I'm ashamed I've got into this situation & she tells me often not to let him drink loads go off on benders etc. I can't stop him Hmm think now she relishes this. She doesn't no just how bad it all is.
Doesn't live local don't see much of her.
There was an I incident where the 1st time ever I saw in my ds the panic & fear I had when I was a child. That's when I ment it when I said to him Change or were gone. That's how I no in myself I will never let that happen to my dc again. He's knows its last chance

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/03/2013 21:14

He knows it's last chance so he's spending it accusing you of being unfaithful? Pretending you're shouting when you're not?

What kind of last chance are you giving him?

NotGoodNotBad · 29/03/2013 21:20

the man who fathered me was very violent & controlling

I've been wondering about your dad - that maybe this is why you need to ask if your relationship is normal.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 29/03/2013 21:47

He was so different from my d nothing like him.
My dh would get upset when I told him stuff he did. I said to him that I feel like he thinks he can treat me bad but just not as bad as my d. I also no I always thought as long as he's not as bad as my d.
Too much in font of the dc now, now my ds is older. Not violence there's just been one time when they were present. Lots of shouting tho its not right.
He not violent to me much at all. Most happened when I was pregnant and then few mths after there born. He's never punched me or really hurt me. Just spiteful at times really. Pinching and lots of standing over me and shouting when I was feeding. Lots of times when I was feeding in the early days. Never could work this out.

OP posts:
ccsays · 29/03/2013 21:59

He's not violent to me much at all

Confused

Most happened when I was pregnant

...

Never could work this out

It's because he's a violent, emotionally abusive arsehole with no respect for you. He will not change. Please get help Confused

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 11:54

Feeling really angry towards him today.
He's going to have a big drinking sess today once were back from shopping.
Maybe sw talking to him wouldn't be so bad after all. He won't ever listen to me.
Just off to get him now the house is in his words an fkin tip. Oh well can't b bothered today

OP posts:
NotGoodNotBad · 30/03/2013 13:32

He should clean the house instead of going drinking then, shouldn't he?

izzyizin · 30/03/2013 13:36

If he kicks off before, during, or after, his drinking session PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call 999 and let the police remove him from your home so that you and your dc can start to live without fear of this thoroughly nasty and abusive twunt.

Wingedharpy · 30/03/2013 14:34

And maybe he wouldn't have so many money problems if he wasn't spending what he has on alcohol.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 15:33

I will don't worry.
He's in a happy mood today so sure it will be fine.
I'm use to this, the dc & I spend the night upstairs & he will stay downstairs.
I no he's scared of the police,I said I will call them a couple of times before. Once when he was racing another car. They were trying to run each other off the road. It was scary the dc were in car I was screaming @ him to stop. He was just silent & carried on slamming on breaks & racing the other car. Sorry to keep bringing stuff up but I tend to shut it out my mind once he says sorry.
This is something else that makes me feel on eggshells. It's like he can b really scary but quiet. I don't understand how he does this to me
It's really helping me, all your advice thank u.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 15:35

I'm not scared all the time, just if I need to ask for something.
Or when his stress starts to build & build. I don't live in fear everyday at all.
Some days were all so happy & it's lovely & calm

OP posts:
NotGoodNotBad · 30/03/2013 15:45

"They were trying to run each other off the road. It was scary the dc were in car I was screaming @ him to stop. "

This is the man you call "a good dad"? Confused

"I don't live in fear everyday at all."

You say this as though it's something to be pleased about. It's not - you shouldn't be living in fear any day!

izzyizin · 30/03/2013 15:56

Use this thread as your 'memory bank'; note down all of the incidents, such as 'racing' another car, where he's put the dc at risk and BE SURE to tell the sw and WA about them so you can be given support and advice to ensure that, once he's out of your home, he does not have unsupervised contact with your dc.

Honesty really is your best policy, honey. If 'the authorities' aren't made aware of the true extent of his violence and abuse, they'll be powerless to protect you and the dc - and the 3 of you are in desperate need of protection from this abusive piece of gobshite who is blighting your lives.

I want to drop him from a great height but, as it is, all I can hope for is that the powers that be will jump on from a great height and nothing's going to give me greater pleasure than you coming back to report that's exactly what's happened to him - and he's having to get his own fucking tea elsewhere Smile

freerangeeggs · 30/03/2013 18:02

I'm a teacher and I've worked with numerous children who witnessed domestic violence. You don't want your children to end up like those poor souls, do you? They can't form proper relationships because they're controlling and angry and lack trust; their educations are ruined because of their extreme behaviour. They are utterly miserable and sadly will probably replicate the home life they had in their own families. They resent their parents and treat even the abused parents badly (as you acknowledge your own son is already beginning to do).

If you love your children and care about their welfare, you won't waste your time trying to fix this man who clearly does not give a toss about them or their mother. He doesn't have to hit them to hurt them - badly. Is it worth it just so that you can say you 'gave it your best shot'?

freerangeeggs · 30/03/2013 18:08

Sorry, I just read the bit about him racing a car with your dcs crying in the back seat.

You need to protect them.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 19:45

They weren't crying in back seats.
Baby had no idea what was happening. My ds knew something was bad. My fault I ended up screaming at him & trying to call police. My dh was silent & just kept looking at me with dead wide eyes. This is what I find mind stirring the silence. So to my ds I guess I would have scared him as I ended up screaming & crying. My fault only did because I was scared he would kill us. The way we are at the moment is a million miles away from that day. It's not the same person. This again I find totally confusing.
He's said he will take our son swimming tomorrow pm if he's feeling ok. May give wa a call when he's gone.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/03/2013 19:53

How very condescending kind of him.

Fwiw, other dfs don't talk about taking their dcs swimming if they 'feel ok' - they take their dcs swimming and to other activities even when they 'don't feel ok' because good dfs put their dcs needs before those of their own.

NotGoodNotBad · 30/03/2013 21:31

Let's get this straight - your "D"H was racing the car, trying to chase another car off the road, and you think it was your fault your ds was scared?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 21:36

I made a fuss, I was making noise. I'm sure if I didn't he would not have known what was happening.

OP posts:
NotGoodNotBad · 30/03/2013 21:40

But it was not your fault! The whole thing was your DH's fault - what kind of idiot does that at any time, let alone with his kids in the car?

Original poster
Twinkletwinklestars · 30/03/2013 22:10

Could never have predicted he would do that. (Car) would have bet money on him never acting like that. The only thing he said was no one does that to me.
I just feel guilty my ds saw me like that & that his df did that. Sometimes when I'm cuddling ds to sleep at night I want to say I'm sorry about his df. How im just so so sorry.
Wish id left him that day.
Even if I somehow bring out bad in him I don't mean to.
Managed to leave him to his drink now.
I really think we do need time apart.
He would rock our dd in his arms all calmly when she was born saying your mummy's a bitch that's right a bitch. No aggression just smile and tell her I was a bitch. That really hurt, if I ever bring it up he just snaps that was ages ago ssshh sshh now forget it. But I can't it's always there

OP posts:
ccsays · 30/03/2013 23:21

Why are you with this man?

izzyizin · 30/03/2013 23:32

Dear god, honey, you have GOT to get him out of your life before your dc are irreparably harmed by him.

You don't just need time apart - you need a permanent separation by way of a divorce because this man is not going to change his ways in this lifetime.

WrenNatsworthy · 30/03/2013 23:33

Oh Twinkle :(

Is this the first time you've properly talked about all this?

Keep on writing it down, if it's helping. Then keep the thread and tell the whole story to Women's Aid. The DC will not be taken away from you but a SW is right to be concerned about the effect of them witnessing the domestic violence. Like you said upthread, it's not just the physical stuff. Emotional abuse is DV too.