Am I being unfair and over reacting

[Brightlydoesit]

Please help am very upset this evening. Yesterday afternoon almost blacked out whilst driving and was told to go to A and E by Nhs direct. Lots of tests for heart probs and embolism but all seems ok so don't really know what it is yet so am worried.

BF arrives this morn couldn't be here yest and there was no need as had someone with me, but basically felt on my own all day as he has to sleep as in middle of night shifts. So I cook dinner even though not feeling great and he gets up. Not much affection as wasn't up to sex, well that's how it looks to me. Not showing any real concern for what went on yesterday. He has phonecall from flatmate( female) I was a bit moody afterwards, ( only a tiny bit) but he can't just let the fact pass even though I was unwell so he withdraws even more.

I go to bed for lie down it takes an hour for him to come see where I am, no hugs or kisses just a bit of a huff cos he thinks I was in a huff over phonecall.
I start crying cos feel emotional and just wanted him to show he cares and there's no reaction AT ALL. Ten mins later goes off to work after quick peck.

I don't know if I'm over reacting, feeling sorry for myself, or whether I'm justified in that. All he's bothered with is saying he's done nothing wrong. I just feel I'm not allowed to get into a mood occasionally or show my feelings. If I cry it has absolutely no effect on him at all, incidentally I'm to always crying but I do sometimes if I feel down. Any advice? Or talk some sense into me

I just can't sleep even though I'm exhausted because I haven't slept properly for 3 nights now. I want to stop thinking of the good times and just stop thinking about him. How do I get over this. Help me please

It takes time. Today you feel the way you do - tomorrow you will feel a tiny bit better and the next day, a tiny bit better again. It just takes time. You will not always feel this pain.

I've been in a relationship that sounds a lot like yours. I was constantly alerted to any displeasure so that I could 'mend my ways'. It didn't make me feel good and I couldn't lie to myself anymore. The last time that he punished me by not ringing, I cried for a few days but resolved that I was done with him. I told everybody that I was now single so that I wouldn't be tempted to cover it up and take him back again. It took him three weeks to ring me and by that time I was able to quite cooly asking why on earth he was ringing and not to do so again. He was shocked. I told him that when I needed him he wasn't there and that I didn't need him anymore and would never want him or need him again.

It was so exhilarating, Brightly, it really was. I want that for you. Do your crying now and KNOW that you'll be free of thinking of him very soon. Allow yourself to cry for a couple of days if you really feel like it. I got fed up of sore, puffy eyes and treated myself to a very expensive eye cream. I wasn't going to waste that by crying it all off again. Do whatever works for you and makes you feel better. Zero contact from now on, that is my suggestion and I'm sure others will be along soon with some excellent advice to help you.

Help! I am awake again. I cannot sleep this is on my mind constantly and I want the pain to end. Sorry to keep bleating on but it does help to clarify things by writing them down.

I am trying not to believe that I caused this split by the way I "treated" him ( his words) he has got me worrying nobody will stick with me and I'm not capable of a relationship. The awful thing is out of sheer frustration and pent up anger I said pretty much that to him but in a kinder way because I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall.

He took most things, even things not meant to be as a personal attack on him and now he's got me thinking, my god perhaps I am like that and man will get pissed off with me. I want to stop driving myself mad like this :(

Any

I'm feeling I drove him away by being too needy. My head is all over the place and I know I just need to stop. How on earth can I have a normal relationship again?

It wasn't good though. Several months ago I found a profile of him on a social network site saying he was looking for dating he insisted that it was old and he hadn't updated that bit even though there were other bits hat were up to date on it. We broke up , I stayed away. For weeks with him chasing after me. Eventually I gave in with conditions he was to be open with me leave his phone around ect.

All seemed ok then he found one of my threads on MN and tried to compare me pouring my heart out on here with what he had put on that site. He almost took pleasure in showing me up as wrong like him. He made me feel ashamed.

I am saying his now because its one example of how things were and why I doubt myself so much now

He was ok with leaving the phone around for a few weeks then began to complain and say I didn't trust him. He even told his mum I had a problem with it as she said I sounded suspicious and controlling. There is a lot I haven't said about the relationship on here but I can see now its not good at all. I have been in denial

But you're not in denial now, Brightly and that is a very good thing, painful though it undoubtedly is. Accept that it will hurt for a while and accept that the relationship is really over. Again, that is a very good thing and it doesn't matter who ended it, it only matters that you're now free to live your life.

Start making plans for your whole new life now.

I know you are right and I will try. I am fed up with him in my head all the time and so tired that I'm just constantly sitting on he sofa. He just didn't love me did he? I think maybe I am unlovable

Yep, deffo an OW then.

But this bloke sounds like a drain, so she's done you a favour if you did but know it.

Of course you're not unloveable, but you do sound as though you make your relationship your whole life. That's always a really bad idea, even if the bloke's a saint. Why you've been putting up with this treatment is something you should really look at within yourself.

It really hurts to think there might be someone else, but the relationship has taken its toll on me .

I thinking I might have issues with insecurity, self esteem and yah I'm also a bit controlling. I think he had enough. I wish I knew wether it was me or actually wether he was a bit cruel and manipulative. I don't want to find myself repeating any of this in another relationship

I don't think he 'had enough'. I think he just found some other woman who hasn't yet had a chance to see the nasty side of him. You might not have any insecurity at all with another bloke, but isn't it startlingly obvious that you were right to feel insecure? He's buggered off, so you weren't secure were you? If you'd felt secure and it turned out you weren't at all, that would be a worse problem wouldn't it? And yeah he's cruel alright and also manipulative. He was building himself up to getting you to dump him so he didn't have to carry the can for it.

Give dating a complete miss for a good while and maybe go for some counselling. But the best bet is to fill your life with other things so that a bloke's a bonus but not the whole shebang. I've been married for years but my husband's not my whole life and I'm not his. That's how it should be.

I'm not thinking that clearly at the moment, so stressed out. Can you explain to me how you think he was building himself up to get me to dump him? It would certainly fit his personality as he's always keen not to look at fault

Yes, sure and I'm going to paraphrase here a bit about what he's been saying:

You're always ill. You're a hypochondriac.

Your parenting is bad. Your son doesn't do the washing up.

I'm going to make up an argument about nothing (even songs you've cared enough to send me).

I'm not interested in your health scare. I am interested in getting a roast dinner.

I'm going to behave really badly because I don't want to fess up to having an OW and I don't want to take the blame for dumping you. If that still doesn't work, I'll behave even worse and surely you'll dump me? No? Oh well, with my behaviour being so bad for the past few weeks I can always say we've not been happy lately and so it's time to call it a day. I won't tell her about OW though.

See it now?

Just seen that post about the dating site too. C'mon, he's got form for cheating hasn't he? That story he came out with was a load of old hogwash. But when he taunted you after snopping on your MN thread, that was an early red flag that he was going to be an abusive tosser.

You really are well rid.

I can't disagree with what you've said badinage unfortunately.

What this fuck am I so upset then? I feel hollow and empty. I wish I was a few months further forward then maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty

Some of it's because he dumped you, when it really should have been the other way around.

And because unwisely, you made him far too important to your wellbeing so you've got less to distract you now he's gone.

But I promise you, if you start making a fuller life for yourself and maybe get some help via counselling, give it a few months and you'll be kicking yourself that you ever let this fucknugget mess you around like that. Some of your instincts were spot-on too - the insecurity for example. Others, less so. If you work out in time when the first point was when he should have had his marching orders, that will be helpful in other relationships.

But stay away from blokes for a while, honestly. Fill your life up with other people and experiences.

Also how to you come to REALLY accept in your heart that it he didn't love me and was an abuser? I mean know it for sure so I can move on. I still can't quite believe it, mad as that may seem to you.

As for cheating I don't have any actual proof. He spent all spare time with me and the site was one he originally opened before we even met ( social site not dating site) I saw when it was opened. He didn't use it for well over a year then went back on it briefly when we had separated for a short time. So I'm can't be positive he cheated

I'm not sure who dumped who really. I said I was miserable and he wasn't nice enough to me. Other things were said cant remember it all but I ended up calling him an unfeeling cunt.

He said " we'll then I'm not right for you" not for the first time so I didn't set much store by this as its been said before and he's always come back. This time I agreed with him and he said he'd go in the morning(it was 4am ) I told him no go now not when YOUchoose. So angrily he went and that was it

No, you said you broke up after you'd found him on that site saying he was up for dating. Despite the fact other details were current, he lied that the bit about dating was old news. C'mon, use your loaf here. If you'd been updating one of those sites, would you really have left in the 'up for dating' bit if you weren't?

Ok some simple facts here. Loving is a verb so it's a doing word. Ignoring a partner's health scare, taking the piss out of her illnesses, criticising her parenting, putting out dating feelers while in a relationship with her and arguing with her for sending some songs you don't like, aren't acts of love.

Love is only love when it's done. Anything else is just words. Actions are always what counts.

Sounds to me like he got what he wanted. He behaved so badly that even you weren't prepared to put up with it any longer. He probably realised asking him to leave was a pissing-in-the-wind threat but he took that opportunity with glee and relief.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes with abusive relationships both parties end up abusing one another and I did say upthread that all that sighing and hinting you were doing would have driven me batshit crazy if I'd been on the receiving end of it. But if my bloke had done that (he knows better than to, though ) and he'd had a blackout that day, I would have swallowed my irritation at the indirectness and cut him some slack. I'd have cared for him and it would have been me making him a nice dinner, because I know he'd have been exhausted, frightened and worried. Hell, I'd have been frightened and worried too. But that's because we love eachother and what's more we do love.

I'm not sure about the glee and relief bit though he was so angry he could barely speak.

As you say though his actions speak for themselves I HAVE to move on

Tbh his behaviour was always like that he hadn't just started behaving badly I just made constant excuses for him. So I'm not positive he wanted me to end it. But it was probably just more of his abuse and manipulation of me.

He'll for the whole weekend he'd cooked me a lovely meal when I got home from work as he was off, washed up painted the doors in my house.

I just think in the early hours of the morning all my frustrations came spilling out when I was half asleep and I didn't censor what I thought for once

I have been really struggling today , checking my phone and resisting the urge to contact him. WHY? It bloody hurts like hell even though I know it would be the wrong thing if we got back together. It's like I've got a one track mind and can't believe it really over. When does it actually sink in? Please somebody support me and talk some sense to me

Bump

I don't know what else to say to you apart from reiterating that this was a very bad relationship and suggesting you book yourself in for some counselling and lean on friends who will be more honest than they might have been when you were together with this bloke. Have you got some good mates who will tell you the truth?

Thanks badinage it might sound crazy but it helps just to have someone keep telling me that quite often in these early days. I will talk to a couple of friends soon I just haven't felt up to it just yet. It's like I need someone to keep confirming to me what I already know. Hopefully that will pass as time goes by