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Original poster

Am I being unfair and over reacting

106 replies

Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 20:16

Please help am very upset this evening. Yesterday afternoon almost blacked out whilst driving and was told to go to A and E by Nhs direct. Lots of tests for heart probs and embolism but all seems ok so don't really know what it is yet so am worried.

BF arrives this morn couldn't be here yest and there was no need as had someone with me, but basically felt on my own all day as he has to sleep as in middle of night shifts. So I cook dinner even though not feeling great and he gets up. Not much affection as wasn't up to sex, well that's how it looks to me. Not showing any real concern for what went on yesterday. He has phonecall from flatmate( female) I was a bit moody afterwards, ( only a tiny bit) but he can't just let the fact pass even though I was unwell so he withdraws even more.

I go to bed for lie down it takes an hour for him to come see where I am, no hugs or kisses just a bit of a huff cos he thinks I was in a huff over phonecall.
I start crying cos feel emotional and just wanted him to show he cares and there's no reaction AT ALL. Ten mins later goes off to work after quick peck.

I don't know if I'm over reacting, feeling sorry for myself, or whether I'm justified in that. All he's bothered with is saying he's done nothing wrong. I just feel I'm not allowed to get into a mood occasionally or show my feelings. If I cry it has absolutely no effect on him at all, incidentally I'm to always crying but I do sometimes if I feel down. Any advice? Or talk some sense into me

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 25/03/2013 07:09

Castro and Wordybird the things you have just said do appear to sum up an aspect of his personality unfortunately. I think he is a bit EA or at least manipulative.

I have had a txt during the night saying he hopes I'm ok and he does care about me and also a voice message saying pretty much the same. He's good at this after the event but what about his actions and the way he deals with things at the time?

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 25/03/2013 20:24

I am starting to feel angry about the way he is towards me. We have spoken on the phone and he will not accept that he does anything wrong. Or even just acknowledge that im upset and say sorry it was unintentional .

I told him all I needed was a bit of extra love as I was not well and his reply:
Well not a day goes by that your not feeling well .

Result is he is not coming to mine on his days off. I'm using the time to think carefully

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 25/03/2013 20:28

Oh and I am hearing the usual " I can't do anything right" it never ceases to amaze me the fuss and arguments over something that could so easily be resolved but with him it can only be resolved if I always back down and forget. And I'm sick of it, sorry rant over

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CastroIsDead · 25/03/2013 21:33

he doesn't think he has done anything wrong and won't communicate so its looking unlikely that he will change. it sounds like he thinks you should be grateful for the crumbs he gives you. so like my ex i often used to think it would be so easy if he would just do the right thing, the things that are not too much to ask. you're sick of it. what are you going to do??

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 26/03/2013 06:57

Just an update. He is calling saying he has been thinking over what I,ve said regarding him seeming oblivious to my emotional needs and he is agreeing I might have a point. He is saying he loves me and asking to talk and try to work it out.

Not sure what to do from here. Do I lay it on the line what I'm looking for and see what happens?

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Fairenuff · 26/03/2013 08:18

It sounds like he is following the script. It's all part of how to control you.

First he won't admit any fault, you are 100% to blame. When that doesn't work he becomes passive aggressive 'I can't do anything right'. When that fails he changes tack and becomes sweetness and light.

He will probably be lovely and fuss around you, just like when he first met you. He knows that if he doesn't he will lose you and will have to start all over again with someone else. It takes time to build up this level of control and he doesn't want to have to start from scratch again.

Also, if you relent, he knows how far he can push you. Each time it happens he will push a little harder and see how far he can get before he backs down. He will eventually wear you down.

There are some women who do everything for their partners, all the childcare, all the housework, all the emotional support and yet they still blame themselves when things go wrong. These are women who have been pushed so far they don't know what's acceptable anymore. You are already beginning to question your own reactions.

Don't take him back. If he genuinely cared for you, it would not be such an effort for him to show it.

It's all about him, it always has been, it always will be.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 30/03/2013 09:55

Everything seemed ok for a week or so then last night I emailed him some songs off u tube( don't know if that is significant or not) but when he rang an argument started. This sounds really ridiculous and it is, who would argue over songs it's like he was looking to start a fight.

Basically was saying if he sent me stuff I wasn't in to would I listen to it yet I expect him to!!! I just said no worries I won't do it again then. Seriously this makes us sound about 15 ! So then he said have you had a word with your son? . Son left all his and GFs washing up the other night and BF ended up doing it as I was at work.

I fully agreed this wasn't on and said I would tell son but as yet have only seen him once and wanted to do it when he was alone. Told BF this and now it's turned in to how he can never express HIS feelings without an argument. How its all about MY feelings wtf? I'm worn out with it all and it's like trying to decifer his mind all the time. I am a bit fearful if I want out as he's so bloody strong willed and twists my words so I question myself a lot. Sorry it's long

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 30/03/2013 09:57

FAIRENUFF you are right it is all about him and always will be. But he seems to be able to make me question whether I've got that wrong and makes me feel actually its all about me

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 30/03/2013 10:02

The extent of the argument seems way out of proportion to what's happened usually

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badinage · 30/03/2013 12:29

In your post on Tuesday, you said he told you he loves you. Was this in response to a question from you about whether he did or not?

If I had to guess what's going on here, I'd say he's met someone else. He's picking fights about nothing and is looking for you to dump him, or to pave the way (when OW is ready) to say 'let's face it we weren't getting on; time to call it a day'.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 30/03/2013 17:25

No I didn't ask him if he loves me he just said it, he says it fairly frequently and usually always if we are making up after an argument.

I don't know about him meeting someone else, he spends all his spare time at my house and his routine hasn't really changed that I can notice unless its someone at work. And he still talks about our future so I don't really think that's the case

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 08:13

I am now wondering if BADINAGE could be right in saying there is OW in the picture somewhere or at the very least he is looking. I have posted under a new thread since this talking about my relationship ending in the last few days. The jist is that whenever I try to discuss my being unhappy about something in the relationship he takes umbrage and it always ends with him saying " we'll I'm not the right person for you then" or " we'll find someone whose like that then"

Thing is he's ALWAYS said this so it's not new and I don't really take it seriously as in he wants me to find someone else. So the same happened the other day and now he's gone saying he wants out and I haven't heard from him. I won't contact him but I feel so so hurt and lost. Can't understand why it's ended like that. It's been 3 yrs

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/04/2013 20:25

There's always one person in a couple who loves more than the other one. That person is you, OP. You're tryng desperately to hold on and you will lose him. Whether that's a dreadful thing or not is down to interpretation but he doesn't want to be by your side, that is very clear. So let him go... and you make the decision of whether you want this or not, it's not down to him - one person doesn't get to run a relationship.

I personally understand where your boyfriend is coming from with the youtube stuff; I would find it a bit much and a bit cloying actually, but a 'thanks but no thanks' would do.

I would back off completely and understand that my expectations will not be met by this man. Either manage them and bend yourself into the shape he wants - or move on and find somebody more suited to you.

LemonPeculiarJones · 09/04/2013 20:39

It's so tough ending a relationship but it sounds like you'd be so much better off without him adding this sense of not-quite-being-cared-for to your life.

If you end it and stick to that, you'll feel so uplifted in a few months.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 20:45

I'm not contacting him at all and don't intend to but I feel so broken up about this. I know it's best if we never do get back together but how do you move on? All my friends are in marriages I'm no spring chicken anymore.

One saving grace is I have a good job I enjoy so that keeps me occupied, it's just the social life I need to work on but not sure how.

I know my needs are not met by him and I can't totally change who I am, I just have to try to get through as best I can

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 21:01

Actually tonight I am not coping well at all. One minute I'm ok the next I'm bawling my eyes out. I seriously wish I didn't love him anymore and actually considering some of the things he's done I shouldn't. Please tell me this gets better

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LineRunner · 09/04/2013 21:07

It really gets better. So much better. Please please carry on without him. Smile

CastroIsDead · 09/04/2013 21:07

it does get better. my ex was very like yours i ended it and it hurt like hell at first. its a grieving process. 6months on im loving life love being single and relying on myself to be happy not someone else who inevitably lets you down. you will get there. you will realise that you deserve more/better. one day i hope to find a lovely man you have more chance of finding a good one if you can be good to yourself

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 21:10

I've no choice but to carry on without him really I'm not going to go to him, I have never done that and I know I should refuse to go back if he comes to me because a few months down the line it will all happen again

What I can't get my head around is what he gets out of this break up make up relationship? Just why??

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CastroIsDead · 09/04/2013 21:19

i think its about control. mine was the same. not controlling or jealous in a typical way but making up and breaking up all the time it keeps you on your toes doesn't it?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 21:24

Yes Castro It does. He didn't tell me directly what to do or what not to do, it was more subtle than that. He used silences, quietness, general moodiness to control and I was always assessing what mood he was in. I was scared of him as such but it was very uncomfortable and irritating at times

I need to keep reminding myself of this as it helps me see I am better off alone

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CastroIsDead · 09/04/2013 21:28

yes keep reminding yourself and don't get back with him if/when he comes crawling back. honestly you will get there i feel so free and so happy without all the drama and subtle put downs

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 21:36

I'm glad you are happy now and it gives me hope that il get there.

The drama of it all is just getting too much. One minute I'm hoping he doesn't get in touch then there's no decision to make then the next I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. But he's NOT good for me I know that.

I have a gut feeling there is something different this time though, because he actually said " I want out" and he didn't say his usual " don't ever contact me again" but maybe he's just upping the ante, anyway it doesn't really matter

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/04/2013 22:13

Once you step off this merry-go-round, Brightly, you'll feel so much better. Its exhausting and distressing and maybe, at the moment you decide enough is enough, you'll feel a sense of loss. That won't last and, as other posters have said, you'll really start to feel better very soon. You're better than he's treating you - take back control and see how quickly you realise that not only can you do without him, you'll thrive without him 'puppeteering' you. Best wishes. :)

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 09/04/2013 22:23

Thank you LYINGWITCH I know what everyone says is true. This is not how a relationship should be at all.

It's so hard to pull away I'm worried I will never be so sexually compatible with anyone again as that was one thing that was almost perfect.

I know the way he treated me wasn't right even if sometimes I was a cow, isn't that normal? I was made to feel so bad for having emotions and showing them even if I apologised. God it makes me angry thinking about it now. I was never allowed to find any fault with him or god help me I would pay for it somehow

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