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Original poster

Am I being unfair and over reacting

106 replies

Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 20:16

Please help am very upset this evening. Yesterday afternoon almost blacked out whilst driving and was told to go to A and E by Nhs direct. Lots of tests for heart probs and embolism but all seems ok so don't really know what it is yet so am worried.

BF arrives this morn couldn't be here yest and there was no need as had someone with me, but basically felt on my own all day as he has to sleep as in middle of night shifts. So I cook dinner even though not feeling great and he gets up. Not much affection as wasn't up to sex, well that's how it looks to me. Not showing any real concern for what went on yesterday. He has phonecall from flatmate( female) I was a bit moody afterwards, ( only a tiny bit) but he can't just let the fact pass even though I was unwell so he withdraws even more.

I go to bed for lie down it takes an hour for him to come see where I am, no hugs or kisses just a bit of a huff cos he thinks I was in a huff over phonecall.
I start crying cos feel emotional and just wanted him to show he cares and there's no reaction AT ALL. Ten mins later goes off to work after quick peck.

I don't know if I'm over reacting, feeling sorry for myself, or whether I'm justified in that. All he's bothered with is saying he's done nothing wrong. I just feel I'm not allowed to get into a mood occasionally or show my feelings. If I cry it has absolutely no effect on him at all, incidentally I'm to always crying but I do sometimes if I feel down. Any advice? Or talk some sense into me

OP posts:
badinage · 24/03/2013 22:03

Why did you highlight the fact that the flatmate he spoke to on the phone was a woman?

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:06

Over 2 yrs. I do have possessive tendacies I realize this. I try not to go on about things now though. I don't really feel there's anything to worry about in that department

OP posts:
badinage · 24/03/2013 22:09

Where did you learn that an acceptable standard for staying in a relationship is that 'it's not all bad'?

Shouldn't it be that it makes you happy and is mutually respectful and supportive?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:13

I didn't mean "it's not all bad" means you should stay in a relationship. I just meant that no relationship is 100% happy all the time

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 24/03/2013 22:18

i know what you mean my situation sounds so similar my ex isn't all bad either but begging someone who is supposed to love you for basic affection is so damaging. if it helps at all i am so happy with my life now, was really hard at first but you have to realise you deserve more than he is giving you. why are you possessive has he done things to ruin the trust between you?

badinage · 24/03/2013 22:19

No it's not. But in a relationship of only 2 years, it should be better than this.

It sounds as dead as a doornail and that you're both unhappy. He really doesn't sound as though he's into you any longer.

Why not cut your losses on this one? You don't live together, it's only been 2 years and it's no longer making you happy.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:25

The affection flows from him when we are getting on but as I said if he thinks I'm having a dig in any way he gets in a huff. I know I deserve more at times but am I expecting too much? I haven't heard from him since he left except one txt that I didn't reply to, as I don't feel inclined to tonight but he hasn't bothered to check I'm ok.

I guess I'm possessive because I feel slightly threatened if I love someone I suppose it's self esteem issues. There was an issue way back with us which rocked the boat a bit but has been resolved. But I was like this before that

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:28

I'm not sure that he's not into me any longer as he is still planning our future I.e holidays, living together.

It's just this aspect of him I find hard to understand. He seems cold when I'm upset if I've said something to piss him off first

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:29

And this isn't new he's always been this way to a greater or lesser degree. It's just it gets to me more sometimes than others

OP posts:
badinage · 24/03/2013 22:32

So reading between the lines he's already cheated?

Catchingmockingbirds · 24/03/2013 22:38

What was it you said to him after his phonecall?

UniqueAndAmazing · 24/03/2013 22:40

if this had been the first time you felt rbis way, I would say don't be too harsh, he might have been so worried that he didn't know how to react.
gowever, you then went on to say that he's always like it when there is anything bad/sad/stressful happening.
I think.you need to rethink this relationship and prpbably think about ending it.
you deserve someone who will hug you whrn you're ill, upset or worried

UniqueAndAmazing · 24/03/2013 22:41

and also,you werereally ypset because you didn't know what was wrong with you, to the extent that you'd blacked out and gone to a&e, but the first thhing he did was say that you'd upset him ?

that's not normal

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:44

I'm not aware he's cheated on me

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:52

Is it asking too much to want him to be loving towards me when I'm going through this even if say I had been a pain in the neck to him about something?

I have a few chronic health issues and he likes to remind me that I'm always ill or there's always something wrong with me. He brings everything back to him and how he's feeling yet accuses me of doing it

OP posts:
UniqueAndAmazing · 24/03/2013 22:54

yup.
he's selfish and self-absorbed.
he doesn't care about you or your wellbeing.
actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 22:55

After the phonecall I guess I just had a bit of a face on and said what did she want? And I think she's got a cheek wanting to know the ins and outs of where you and what your doing.

I don't honestly think she did she was asking cos of the cats. I was just being difficult cos I was being a bit of a cow, not sure why

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 24/03/2013 22:58

it isn't asking too much to feel loved ever. he might think you are asking too much because as someone else said he is a fairweather friend. just like my ex all fun and games when the sun is shining and there's a roast on the table any hint of stress and off they run because yes it is too much for a selfish emotionally retarded person to deal with. that's not my idea of a partner. your story is getting worse to be honest putting you down about your health problems?that's not on at all

CastroIsDead · 24/03/2013 23:02

maybe you were being a cow to test him. you need him and you need to know he loves you even if you can be a cow. again that's not too much to ask. nobodys perfect

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 23:04

Yes he does make comments like that about my health either when he wants to make a point of how he's looked after me or if he thinks I'm having a go at him about upsetting me when I'm feeling ill he, l say your always ill and I do such and such for you

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 23:06

CASTRO you are right I was being a cow to test him and on the rare occasion I do this I never get the reaction I was hoping for

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 24/03/2013 23:08

Must just stress I don't consciously think I'm going to test him its an instinctive thing as you say I must have the need to know he loves me from time to time

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 24/03/2013 23:14

so give the guy a medal for looking after his sick partner. he sounds like a selfish twat and possibly abit ea and controlling. that's what i realised when i got out the whole push pull thing is about control. maybe im off the mark there? anyway you deserve better

wordyBird · 25/03/2013 02:04

You aren't over reacting.

You had a horrible fright, you feel vulnerable, and it appears your partner couldn't care less.

It seems there are quite a few people around like this. We think everyone is kind and caring at heart, as we are: but it's not true.

Some people seem to have a partial or total empathy failure. On top of that they are selfish and self absorbed. They appear to be fun, interesting, sweet, etc when you first meet them, but if anything goes wrong (especially illness) you see their true colours. They really do think everything is about them, or should be.

If you suffer, it actually annoys them! They won't comfort you. They just want you to shut up and be fun again, or cater to them in some way.

It's an exhausting way to live, and not really the basis of a good, loving relationship. You would be better off finding someone who genuinely cares about you. Brew

ladymia · 25/03/2013 02:27

"And this isn't new he's always been this way to a greater or lesser degree. It's just it gets to me more sometimes than others''

If he's always been like this then he is always going to be like this.

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