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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bedroom issue

31 replies

supersare · 24/03/2013 17:55

Just wondered if anyone has experienced having a higher sex drive than their man and what (if anything) they did to solve the problem?

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum95 · 24/03/2013 17:57

get one of these?

Lucyellensmum95 · 24/03/2013 17:58

bigbuttons · 24/03/2013 18:00

I left

freddiemisagreatshag · 24/03/2013 18:01

How much higher?

Original poster

supersare · 24/03/2013 18:05

He seems to be happy with maybe once or twice a month whereas I would rather at least twice a week, he seems to think I want it too much but I don't think it's loads exactly is it?
When I've broached the subject with him he just says that it's the way he is and can't change :-(

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum95 · 24/03/2013 18:15

has it always been like this?

fluffyraggies · 24/03/2013 18:18

My DH and i are a bit mismatched sex drive wise. Mine's higher than his.

He's comfy with twice a week and i'd like it more often.

I swing between trying to convince myself it's my problem and being wildly frustrated and angry.

Not much help OP - just empathising.

UnderPuns · 24/03/2013 18:28

Yep - in the process of separating, issues other than a mismatched sex drive though.

Not sure how helpful separating is if the relationship is otherwise OK. I doubt I'll find a man that won't get bored of my high sex drive and urmm kinks .

Original poster

supersare · 24/03/2013 18:55

It has changed as we used to do it lots at the start (as you do) and now we're kind of settled he just feels like it now and again! There are no problems that I know of in the quality of it, it's just the quantity! I always initiate it too which I don't like...I feel like I'm unattractive to him but he tries to reassure me that he does fancy me. He just says he's not that bothered about doing it loads.
It's so hard, we fell out about it yesterday as he says I need to decide if I want to stay with him because he can't change. I was crying because I love him and want to be with him but I know I need the physical intimacy to feel happy and loved.
Should I accept that we only do it when he wants to or should I try and look more sexy for him in the hope that he wants to do it more?

OP posts:

UnderPuns · 24/03/2013 19:12

I think the problem with sex drives is that they can be quite hard to change. No amount of talking made any difference to my H's sex drive and I couldn't change mine despite telling myself that I clearly had the problem and needed to deal with it.

What do you want to do OP? What can you cope with? I came VERY close to having a NSA sex agreement a few years ago but didn't go through with it, but the lack of intimacy and crap sex eventually killed the marriage anyway.

Would he consider counseling?

Original poster

supersare · 24/03/2013 22:21

I guess I would like him to make the first move and act as if he desires me rather than me always initiating it. He is very tactile and we have lots of hugs and kisses when we're alone together. I do wonder if some of it is to do with the relationship he had with his ex, which although it was mentioned when we first met, it seems they had physical incompatibility problems.
Having an NSA liason is a definite no-no for me and I don't think he would be happy about it either.
Incidentally, I Googled this 'problem' and found a website called ChristianNymphos. I think it's American and is a genuine site for frustrated (and married I presume) women...it cheered me up if nothing else!

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 24/03/2013 22:49

we fell out about it yesterday as he says I need to decide if I want to stay with him because he can't change.

He's given you your options OP so I would say just make the decision based on that. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for everyone but if it is for you, just either decide to cut your losses and leave or stay and accept things. No point in spending years unhappy!

lookingfoxy · 24/03/2013 23:00

I could have written this post about my ex.
I tried the looking more sexy etc but in the end it just made me feel cheap, it ended up that I wasn't sure whether he was having half hearted sex to please me or not, it just ended up so humiliating.
Looking back I think he just didn't care enough to even try and compromise, he knew how much it bothered me, if it was the other way around I would have met him halfway.
I would leave tbh.

Original poster

supersare · 25/03/2013 07:34

Thanks its good to hear advice off others, especially as I don't feel comfortable talking to people I know about my sex life.
I had a miscarriage in February this year and I think that maybe I feel a bit vulnerable as hormones settling down still etc and feel like I need to feel loved more than usual and therefore I'm equating sex with feeling wanted and loved? The more I think about it the more confused I get...
Helltotheno- You're right that I need to accept or leave, my decision I guess, it's a toughie.

OP posts:

bigbuttons · 25/03/2013 19:53

my ex used to initiate sex in the early days, I did to. As the years went on it became more and more one sided. I felt shit and unwanted too. if he fancied me so much why was I doing all the work.
Any woman in a relationship wants to feel that they are sexually attractive enough for their partner to actively want to have ex with them. It's no good being told you are fancy-able, words are cheap.
It is even worse worse when you are given such a double sided message." I fancy you but not enough to actually initiate sex with you. I find you attractive but not that much that I want to get you into bed. However, if you do all the work won't say no all of the time".

bigbuttons · 25/03/2013 19:53

excuse typos

Bitofadviceplease · 26/03/2013 07:32

I'd leave now. Was the same with my ex. We got into bed at night & he'd say goodnight, maybe a peck, & go to sleep. This was even in the early days! If its like this now, imagine after 10 years of marriage!

Every woman wants to feel loved, & you don't in a relationship where you are every time having to initiate the intimacy.

I walked & glad I did as knew he wouldn't change

Original poster

supersare · 26/03/2013 21:30

I'm so confused as I can't imagine not being with him, in every other way we're very happy together.
I don't know if I could leave him just because of this reason alone.
Hmph...

OP posts:

bigbuttons · 27/03/2013 09:31

OP, only you can know what you can put up with.

whitee · 27/03/2013 09:54

not wishing to put it bluntly but if sex is the only issue why dont you just DIY?

bigbuttons · 27/03/2013 13:32

DIY doesn't make you feel sexy and fancied though does it?

badinage · 27/03/2013 14:05

Aren't you the poster whose teenage children are living with their father, after a split that happened fairly recently?

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage, but was this baby planned and if not, could this be a reason why your partner is wary about sex?

If you met this bloke since leaving your husband, it does seem a bit soon to be creating a new family and before you've actually had the time to decide whether he's really partner material and up to the job of being a stepfather to your kids.

On the face of it, it doesn't sound like he is. If sex is a problem this early on, it's unlikely to get better.

Original poster

supersare · 27/03/2013 20:40

I split with my ex almost 12 months ago now, and my kids have dealt with it amazingly well. It probably helped that everything has been fairly amicable between me and their father, they really are my pride and joy...but this is going off at a tangent to the problem I posted about on here!

OP posts:

badinage · 27/03/2013 20:51

Not really. An unplanned pregnancy early in a relationship when a woman's already got teenagers who presumably come to stay every so often, might be relevant to the problem.

How old is this relationship?

Original poster

supersare · 28/03/2013 18:50

Been together for 8 months. My kids are away at college now so there's no issue with us all sleeping under the same roof.
I'm starting to think that I was being a bit selfish about the intimacy thing and getting too pre occupied with the whole issue.
I'm starting to appreciate quality over quantity for the first time!!

OP posts:

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