Afternoon, tis, me, Mouse
Well, here goes. EPIC POST Sorry to ignore everyone, I will catch up properly later on. I hope those who have been struggling are feeling better? :) xx
Today I am feeling much better because I've managed to get an awful lot done in the last few days, hence my absence and my complete submersion in my own troubles, life and desperate attempts not to find the solution to all of my fears and worries at the bottom of a wine bottle........
You see the thing is with me, I'm great at giving out advice but taking it? Ahahahahahahaaaaaaaa, not. I have thought so many times about just hitting the Fuck It button because I couldn't cope with everyone needing something from me. I stiil have lots to do before Monday but nothing big, just little bits of finishing off. :)
In a nutshell (the size of an Elephant), I've been battling with the whole separation anxiety and leaving Nemo at preschool in preparation for when he goes to big school in September, simply because I won't be able to go into school when he's there to support him, no matter what.
So, my emotional state has been one off 'yyyyaaaaaaayyyyyy to aaarrrrrggggghhhhh' on an daily basis as things have come to mind and as his team of healthcare professionals have all given their thoughts, been in touch, asked questions, updated their paperwork pre statement and been giving me 'advice on the matter'
It's been hard, DH didn't know half of what had been going on because he has to work, and as you know, I was drinking too much (I admitted to that when last posted properly), that's stopped and has been stopped since I posted about it, but things kept building up.
Am I doing the right thing? Always questioning myself. Worrying that I'm letting him down by not floowing MY GUT, MY HEART.... Anyway, I have thought for some time that he is showing more and more signs of ASD the older he is getting and yes, you shouldn't compare your child/ren to their peers blah, blah, blah but when you're a parent, you just do and you know when things simply don't add up.
He's always had LDs and SALT issues, not to mention the other problems, his heart condition and hearing problems but as time has gone on, more things are coming to light.
I have been stressing about him going back to preschool on Monday because he's not been in that environment for well over two weeks and was poorly before they finished for the Easter Break, added to the fact that I have to leave him. We as a team, his school SENCO (not preschool) suggested that he was left for small amounts of time and then I go back, lots of his team thought the same, and I agreed 100%. This was ages ago because I remember posting about it, the small bursts of separation rather than them waiting for him to get very upset and crying before they contact me, undoing all of the hard work his 1 - 1 and I have put in thus far to get him to feel safe and happy there.
Then it was suggested that I go once he's settled, and they call me should he become very distressed. Nope, no thanks. Preschool had changed their minds again from being happy about what we'd agreed, the small bursts thing then me coming back after a short time, to going until I was called. I wasn't really happy but it's their preschool so I thought I had to go with them and that has been really upsetting me because EVERYONE ELSE in his team had said to do it gradually re leaving him. Not only that, his CAMHS lady said that I shouldn't just sneak away like preschool had suggested and I had been doing either because all of a sudden, I'd be gone, just like when he was in hospital, adding to the upset and exacerbating his PTSD.
His CAMHS lady said that I should think what I would like to happen, how he will handle it best, what do I think will happen when I go and not come back etc..... work it all out.
So I did. I came up with this.
Starting Monday, taking it ODAAT, 
he will go into school at 9.30am avoiding the crowded rush and I will settle him, he'll play for a while and then I will calmly, gently,brightly tell him that I am leaving him for an hour and will be back at X o'clock to pick him up. Lots of smiles and happy faces, telling him I love him and then leave.
I then go back after an hour, ask how his day has been and bring him home. If I stay for the rest of the session, he'll expect me to be there all of the time so that's a better option imo.
I said that I would gradually increase the amount of time that I will be leaving him and he'll soon reach his three full hours before we know it, as long as things go well. It's what I think will work best for him right now and so that's what will happen.
I told all of this to his CAMHS and she said that was a fantastic solution to the problem of him getting used to me being in preschool with him, which he has been, and would call them on Monday to back me up 100%. She said I am absolutely doing the right thing and that I should follow my own feelings as I am the one who knows him best.
She is also getting a referral for him to have a full ASD assessment asap so that we can get the support that he may need in place before school starts in September.
His DLA has come through for renewal and lots of other things too, people wanting updates on him, I'm having to chase up appts that people are supposed have seen him for, my own health has been put on the back burner and I've been ill too.... I think I posted about that.
There's just been so much going on that I couldn't come on here to support anyone when I couldn't even support myself so I've been blocking out the real world and hiding on the Nobdies threads now and again 
Anyway, I am sorry for worrying you all so much, I know that you care about me and life has just been so bloody intense! I have wanted to scream so many times 'FUCK OFF' at the top of my voice. But I am sober, I've not given into the WW, nor the VodkaViking so I feel rather pleased with myself on that front because it would have been so easy to just get pissed and pass out. I've had so much whizzing around my head that sleep has been a thing I've had even less of!
My new physio hasn't been back in touch or tried to contact me to see how I'm getting on, so I think that for £40 a session, I will go back to my GP for a referral to the physio I used to see, get a second opinion, and get my instep for my shoe from the NHS, assuming that I do actually need it as £200 is not something I have right now 
.....
Nemo's been poorly too, DD has had friends here lots so it's been like a bloody B&B!!! Honestly, I'll be glad when she's back at school and the house is not full of squeeeees and the smell of food and perfume!
Nemo is almost better, still a bit of a sore tummy he says but he's so gorgeous, he can say lollipop now :) which is a HUGE achievement in his little world. I'm going to put a new pic of him and DD on my profile too.
Well, there you have it, another epic waffling mouse post. Sorry but I feel better for posting about where I've been, how I've kicked the WW & VV asses and how I am now on top of the preschool battle.
That said, they could refuse to go with the plan, in which case, he'll be going somewhere else for the 12 weeks he has left before he goes to school.
Much love to you all, I will have a read back later and catch up. Need to go make a get well card for MIL and lunch for some teenage girls. xxxx