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Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
LeslieWrinkle · 22/03/2013 12:01

ps, i hope this doesn't sound flippant, but i remember reading in the paper after ronan keating's affair with his backing dancer that he and Yvonne were renewing their vows. I remember thinking that she should have made him go and renew his,while she had a massage, or she should have sat at the back of the church waiting while he renewed his vows. and joint counselling in your shoes makes me think of this. I think counselling on your OWN would help you a lot more. It will help you decide where you are going to draw the line. It will encourage you to believe that you're entitled to draw a lind at all!!

Because while he feels entitled to 'something for himself' you doubt this I think. Doubt that you would even be entitled to put your foot down. Afterall he came back and gave you the last slice of toast.

oscarwilde · 22/03/2013 12:03

I would disagree slightly about couples counselling.
Surely it allows the OP to vent in a safe environment at least initially ? Longer term value from the sessions, I would agree are likely to be limited as it does imply fault on both sides but there is the opportunity to move to single counselling sessions which would help her to frame her thoughts. With a neutral third party in the room it will be harder for her (D)H to dissemble and make excuses for his behaviour and cast a cold floodlit light on his behaviour. It should become very apparent to the OP whether or not her husband is in any way remorseful and help her to make up her mind as to whether or not she should LTB.

oscarwilde · 22/03/2013 12:04

Oh and I would grind up the toast and sprinkle it in his underwear drawer. Grin

badinage · 22/03/2013 12:43

OP would be helped by going to counselling on her own, so she could vent there. But only as long as she didn't encounter some dozy counsellor who warbled on about men's 'unmet needs' or somesuch rubbish.

Ormiriathomimus · 22/03/2013 12:46

Grrrrr I that damned phrase 'unmet need' badinage!!! I frequent a US relationships forum - it was v useful in the early days and I've learned a lot but the OW section is full of people warbling on about 'unmet needs' as if the people are in an affair are babies that need to be spoonfed and can't actually talk to their spouse and tell them what needs they want met!!! Angry

badinage · 22/03/2013 13:08

Yeah, my mate went to one of these counsellors. In that case, it was quite useful to have her husband there though because he completely wrong-footed the therapist by saying that he hadn't had any 'unmet needs'. Mate says it was like watching a goldfish opening its mouth without words coming out. All the counsellor could splutter was 'Why then?' but she didn't seem to believe his answer and kept taking them back to the rows they'd had during his affair Hmm. They stopped going, not surprisingly.

SW1XMother · 22/03/2013 14:31

He cheated on you while you had breast cancer. He then tried to
blame you for it. Sorry, no marriage counselling in the world would do it for me.

aftereight · 22/03/2013 14:57

I disagree about counselling being inappropriate. Counselling for us was a way to frame our talking about what had happened and why, in a safe environment. At no time was it suggested that I was in any way to blame.
As the counsellor pointed out, DH and I have children together so will continue to have a relationship for the rest of their childhoods, whether as a couple or merely as co parents.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 22/03/2013 15:51

I am still so upset and even more so now. She knew I had breast cancer and still went ahead. He told me that she made him feel alive. i just feel so sick.

OP posts:
Owllady · 22/03/2013 15:55

oh sweetheart, of course you feel sick :(

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/03/2013 15:57

Wow he is a special kind of something isn't he, something that lives under a rock I'd like to squish.

AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 22/03/2013 16:01

Oh, god, inrealshock - I can't believe he isn't having the decency to just grovel and apologise at this point rather than trying to "explain" his behaviour.

Bloody hell - "made him feel alive" while you were bloody well fighting to actually be alive. Twat of the highest order.

badinage · 22/03/2013 16:03

You said yesterday that:

she said that she did not know about the breast cancer but i doubt that would have stopped her

So are you believing him over her now? Is he seriously saying that he told her you had breast cancer and she went ahead anyway? And doing so in such a way that you'll think even more badly of her?

Isn't the point that he knew you had cancer and went ahead anyway?

How do you feel about him discussing your illness with the woman he was having an affair with? Because that's precisely what he's admitting to have done, in his attempts to besmirch the OW's character Hmm

badinage · 22/03/2013 16:12

And FFS anyone who takes a risk that could change their whole lives feels 'more alive'. You'd have felt more alive of you'd had an affair - anyone would. But so do people who undertake extreme sports. It means nowt.

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/03/2013 16:21

Oh, it's shock after shock isn't it.

Why is he telling you this tho - who cares about her - you know she is a stupid bint. As badinage said, he knew.

Op, please tell your friends - tell them that he has been shagging his perfect woman since you last came out of hospital. Their reaction will help you I'm sure.

Is he still staying in the family home and making toast? Will a bedsit help him feel more alive?

TheThickChickPlottens · 22/03/2013 16:29

That sounds like a justification rather than an apology.

I've just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. How much more 'alive' can one feel when facing cancer? It is life and death. He's a shallow, shallow man. Just thinking of his own pleasures and his entitlements. Life isn't just about sex.

Sorry that you are going though this on top of everything.

InSearchOfPerfection · 22/03/2013 16:34

She made him feel alive....

But his wife going through 4 serious surgeries and having some real serious health problems wasn't enough to make him 'feel alive'??

I had a boyfriend telling me that he liked having one gf after another because at the start of the relation (passion!) and at the end (despair?) there was a lot of strong feelings that were making him feel alive.
I would have though that your DH would have felt very alive worrying about you and your health. Or he should have.... :(

badinage · 22/03/2013 16:38

I doubt this was even much about sex and doubt even more that it was about the OW's looks.

It's far more likely that this is a chronically selfish man who thought he was entitled to an escape from tough times, especially a period when for once he had to step up to the plate a bit, do more at home because the OP was ill and cope with the focus not being on him for a change.

If he had the good grace at least to admit that, instead of bleating about being unhappy before her illness, when the cat mysteriously made away with his tongue and so it's the first the OP's heard about it, there might be something to salvage here in time.

But selfish twats who want to blame anyone other than themselves for their twattery, deserve no houseroom.

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 16:39

OP,, watch out. He is trying to deflect his bad behaviour on the ow so you will start to blame her instead of him

Pretty soon he'll have you thinking it's you and him against the world, and against her

Don.t stand for it

His only priority is himself

Doha · 22/03/2013 16:43

why is he still in the house?

Ormiriathomimus · 22/03/2013 16:45

Has he actually expressed remorse or regret? Has he seemed at all sorry for his actions?

That is what would bother me most right now. If any man who loved/s you can see your pain and confusion and NOT be remorseful he wouldn't be worth wasting any more time with. And IME reconciliation is a damned hard slog for both of you - if he isn't on board now will he ever be.

Twat!! Angry

Mmmnotsure · 22/03/2013 16:45

OP - What he did was awful.

But it's what he is doing now - what he is saying, how he is trying to escape responsibility - that shows you what he is really like. And it's even worse.

I am not sure he should still be at home. I don't think it is good for you or helpful in this situation.

twolittlemonkeys · 22/03/2013 19:22

So he's still rationalising his actions and trying to justify his despicable actions? Shock I think this shows his true colours - even after being discovered and seeing how devastated you are he is still making excuses. So so Angry for you. I agree with others that this cretin hits a new low as far as all the posts I've read on MN go. So sorry for you Inrealshock

lottieandmia · 22/03/2013 19:41

This thread had made me angrier than any thread I have ever read about cheating on MN. What a despicable, disgusting man - how dare he treat you like this OP when you have been so ill? And how dare he blame you because you have been ill. You deserve so much better, please don't think that because you have had cancer nobody else will want you - it simply isn't true.

PureQuintessence · 22/03/2013 22:09

Stating the obvious but he also knew you had breastcancer, and he went ahead embarking on an affair. And he is the one who is married to you.

Dont be angry with her she is just a stranger. She does not care about you.
And neither it would seem, does he. Sad

I am also wondering why he is still there, and what he has to say for himself.