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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
TDada · 21/03/2013 22:40

hug

Rugbycomet · 22/03/2013 06:17

How are you this morning OP????

Thinking of you as I am sure you haven't had a decent nights sleep x

AllOverIt · 22/03/2013 07:07

Hope you got some sleep OP

gilly86 · 22/03/2013 07:25

Morning all

OP hope you're ok.. Was thinking of you last night! Just finished a 12 hour nightshift Shock

Xx

Ruprekt · 22/03/2013 07:38

You think you have read it all then you read this!

I wonder if he wriggled out of it...........

Stay strong OP. SmileSmile

NandH · 22/03/2013 07:56

Morning OP!
Just come on here to check your doing ok...and see you havnt been back in a while!

Hope you've managed to get Some sleep and your thinking straight, don't disappear!

KEEP STRONG, your a strong woman and I admire that!

Original poster
Inrealshock · 22/03/2013 08:04

Hi am feeling ok and managed to sleep a bit last night but am feeling so angry. He made me toast this morning telling me he was giving me the last slice - bloody hell does he want an award ?
We have agreed to have marriage counselling - i am making him set it all up and on monday he is going to an sti clinic in London. I put the fear of god into him re stis and upset him the stressand cancer link.
Just upset and that bloody picture she sent him with his ten out of ten comment haunts me

OP posts:
ScottyDoc · 22/03/2013 08:08

Glad you managed to sleep a bit OP. After this awful betrayal though, is there any real point to marriage counselling? They usually do it again somewhere down the line. :(

LottieJenkins · 22/03/2013 08:25

Are you going to get checked too? I agree re is it too late for counselling? I am not sure I could trust him again.........

aftereight · 22/03/2013 08:26

OP, glad you slept a little.
If you're not kicking him out..
Shirley Glass's book - Not Just Friends - is great, it helps to explain how you may feel and react in the coming days/weeks/months, whatever the relationship outcome.
Please get some RL support with the practical stuff (childcare, household stuff etc). In my case I allowed my cheating H to stay and handed all the practical stuff over to him, as I couldn't function. It worked for me. My H also arranged counselling himself for us.

However, I do think your shock may be allowing you to minimise what your H has done. Truly, your story is shocking, and your husband has betrayed you in the most vile and cowardly of ways.

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 08:29

Joint counselling implies you accept some blame for what has happened

Why would you do that?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/03/2013 08:37

Having been where you have, I would strongly advise against marriage counselling at this stage - your marriage is not the main issue, his behaviour is.

Individual counselling for him is fine but until you have processed your emotions and have made a decision about your future, relate is a waste of time. You will be far too numb, shocked and confused to make a decision for at least a few months. Also because he chose to shag OW at such a terribly low point of your life, I very much doubt you can come back from this dreadful betrayal.

He needs to be taking a long hard look at himself - get him to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

SPBInDisguise · 22/03/2013 08:41

Op hope you are ok xx

bootsycollins · 22/03/2013 08:50

He doesn't deserve a second chance, seriously do you think he deserves one? You deserve so much better than this love. He isn't the man you thought he was, you can't trust or rely on him. Concentrate on building a new life for yourself and the dc's and you good health, you need to surround yourself with family and friends who genuinely love and care about you and your well being Thanks

PureQuintessence · 22/03/2013 08:52

I am sorry but I know you have had an awful shock. Letting him continue life at home is telling him that you dont matter. That he can do this again, and he will just have 24 hours of unpleasant atmosphere. No other repercussions for him. He will learn to cover his tracks better. Because he knows he can. 24 hours of drama at home is just a small price to pay for the many many hours of pleasures a new woman gives. Accepting what he has done and moving on is silent accept for what he WILL do. This is who he is. Sad

Can you not at least ask him to move out for some time while you decide what to do? Even if you have decided to forgive now, just to give you some space to work out what you really want to do? It will do him good to sweat it out and think he has lost you. Rather than just making a point that you are getting toast. Angry

FireOverBabylon · 22/03/2013 08:59

Inrealshock will his job still require him to travel / stay away from home? If it will, I'm sorry but I'm not sure the counselling will work. The temptation will still be there for him.

What opportunities are there for him to get another role within his company which doesn't require travel?

((((((hugs)))))) for you though.

Owllady · 22/03/2013 09:01

please tell him to leave, I never say LTB but you really dod eserve so much better than this fat balding shallow man

NinaHeart · 22/03/2013 09:02

Real, just wanted to check in with you this morning.
So much advice on here for you and I don't want to add to it - mainly becasue I don't know what to say, I'm not you - just an exhortation to be strong and look long term, rather than how it is now.

twolittlemonkeys · 22/03/2013 10:05

Just logged on to let you know I'm thinking of you Inrealshock. I'm sceptical about marriage counselling working - couples counselling seems to imply you both share the blame. You did not do anything to deserve this :( Your not so DH seems to genuinely think he can just wriggle out of this by being kind for a bit and making you toast. I agree with what PureQuintessence said a few posts up that even if you intend to try to repair your relationship, you need some space from him, both for your own sake and for him to realise the gravity of what he has done, what he has risked and may have lost.

newbiefrugalgal · 22/03/2013 10:10

OP sorry to hear this has been happening.
From my own experience you need to give yourself time and space.
As said earlier-he has had this affair for sometime you have just found out. Take as long as you want. You and your health and you DC come first before anything else
I'm six months down the line and more confused than ever but I know exactly how you feel right now and it's tough.

Ormiriathomimus · 22/03/2013 10:42

NO!!! to MC yet. It won't help.

He needs to work out why he did what he did - he might well be going through a crisis of sorts, and I expect your illness did takes it's toll, but that doesn't explain why he behaved so very badly, no excuses. IC for him.

IC might help you too - my self-esteem went through the floor and even months later I couldn't talk about H's affair without crying. It helped me get stronger to deal with whatever might come and I was able to cope with the thought that we might end up apart.

THEN... when he has accepted his failings, realised and admitted how disgusting his behaviour has been, THEN MC to help your marriage recover from this and perhaps also look at the things he think were wrong before (if there were any).

So sorry x

Ormiriathomimus · 22/03/2013 10:44

May I just say that whether OP's H deserves another chance or not isn't the point. The main issue is what the OP wants to do. H can wait for her to decide - and that might take a long long time. Tough. He can just wait.

IsItMeBU · 22/03/2013 11:15

Glad you slept abit OP!

Don't rush into anything your not sure about make him wait! You have find absolutly nothing wrong in all of this please remember that and don't let him twist things

badinage · 22/03/2013 11:50

I'm sorry to read he is still there and trying to gain medals for making toast.

Couples counselling suggests that your relationship caused this when it didn't. Don't go anywhere near it.

LeslieWrinkle · 22/03/2013 11:58

Hope u r ok. he sounds like he is weak. he was tempted. he felt entitled to somthing for himself so he didnt put up a fight. like the others say marriage counselling would suggest that the affair was a symptom of a bad marriage. he had a good marriage, but wanted a little something extra for himself. if tens out of ten are being held up, id give him a one out of ten. he gave you the last slice of toast. how gentlemanly. he thiiiinks he is a decent man???