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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 22/03/2013 23:31

He told me that she made him feel alive

Yeah, while you were fighting to stay alive.

That says one thing, He did NOT think about you at all

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/03/2013 23:50

i wouldnt agree to anything - no counselling - yet.

you need time and space for yourself right now. i would ask him to leave while you work out your options and what you want.

if he has any shred of decency left he would do that for you.

i would start counselling alone. Then invite him in when you have worked out a bit more for yourself what you need.

good luck.

tightfortime · 23/03/2013 00:03

Just found this thread. The anger here is palpable and justified.

I am enraged and not just the 'cancer' thing which is bad enough but his behaviour since you found out, that stupid bitch contacting you, his appeasement to keep you sweet. It's actually terrifying.

You, on the other hand, sound fucking amazing.

By all means start counselling together. Any pro worth their salt will soon demand that you are seen separately. That's what happened me. But really, you are wasting your time. This man is all about himself, me me me.

Fuck him and his perfect 10.

KirstyWirsty · 23/03/2013 00:25

I agree with the ones who say kick him out and give you both time to think about what you really want

Sorry you are going through this .. He is a shit of the highest order

jynier · 23/03/2013 00:52

So sorry OP for your dreadful experiences! No advice but sending best wishes, x

OhToBeCleo · 23/03/2013 08:20

I agree with the majority OP, he's making excuses for his behaviour rather than showing any remorse or regret. With that attitude he's a leopard who won't change his spots.
Having said that....if you did opt for couples counselling I have no doubt that a counselor would expose his selfishness pretty quickly and show him for what he is. Just be realistic about your expectations of counseling as I hear it can be a grueling experience. Do it if it will make YOU feel better, not him.

KirstyWirsty · 23/03/2013 08:36

Counselling is only worthwhile if everyone is honest

I went with my stbxh to try and repair our relationship and he lied and denied he was having an affair throughout the sessions ( in fact he went to a 3 day 'conference' in the middle of the sessions and it turned out he was actually with OW)

How are you today inrealshock?

BrigitBigKnickers · 23/03/2013 10:04

Make sure all his family and friends know what a shit he is. If he was my son I would fucking disown him.

Feckless worthless human being.

I would be out for serious revenge if he was my DH (a misnomer if ever there was one- Dear is the last thing he sounds.)

Ruprekt · 23/03/2013 20:03

How are things OP?

Original poster
Inrealshock · 23/03/2013 21:04

Feeling exhausted and angry and a huge mix of emotions. So sad because I thought I knew him and I clearly didnt. So disappointed as I felt I had really turned a corner with the cancer - I had just come to an end with my cancer counselling and I was starting to come to terms with my new body then I find out what he has been up to. Not sure I
am ever going to get over this.

OP posts:
aurynne · 23/03/2013 21:26

Inrealshock, my heart goes to you and I feel so outraged and angry in your name... I am trying to put myself in your H's situation, and I really can't do it. If in a blind attack of selfishness and idiocy I could betray my partner in such a horrific way, I can't imagine any other reaction that confessing and begging for forgiveness. Never in my wildest dreams could I try to justify what I had done and blame it (!!!) on the person who has just gone through hell and back and trusted me to be their protector and their support.

What your H has done is unforgivable. Whatever you do and whatever happens I just hope you can get over this horrible time of your life and find happiness.

mathanxiety · 23/03/2013 21:36

Couples counselling with him setting everything up is a terrible idea. I let exH do this and came out of it feeling as if I had been run over by a steamroller.

I still advise you very strongly to tell him to leave and give yourself space to feel the feelings you feel about the betrayal instead of being stabbed in the heart daily by such details as the generosity with the last bit of toast [bloody hell, it's not a Rolos ad you're living through is it?]

Hatpin · 23/03/2013 21:43

You are a strong woman and the only thing that will weigh you down during your recovery is this selfish, selfish, pathetic excuse of a man.

Is he still at home with you? Has he offered to leave to give you some space to think things through?

onefewernow · 23/03/2013 21:47

Inrealshock, I really do understand what the roller coaster of discovering infidelity in a long term marriage feels like. I was recently there myself. I am really concerned for you that it is so hard at a time like this to caretake your health, and keep it that way.

Please do try to put in place a plan of any sort that works for you, next week, to help you over the stress and the shock. You really must.

ProphetOfDoom · 23/03/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeLily · 23/03/2013 22:31

OP I've just come across this thread and I'm so shocked.

Wishing you lots of strength. Get people in your corner. Tell them the truth.

Don't leave the bastard...kick him out.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 24/03/2013 08:08

Schmaltzing thank you so much for telling me about your mum that really helps me.

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 24/03/2013 08:24

Is he still at your house? In your shoes I'd ask him to go stay somewhere else while you work through all this. He needs to realise life isn't just going to carry on as normal and he needs to work at putting things right, if that's even possible,

Original poster
Inrealshock · 24/03/2013 08:46

Yes still here I dont see the logic in him moving out. I feel in a complete state today

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 24/03/2013 08:55

Logic is, to give you some space.

Thisisaeuphemism · 24/03/2013 09:03

The other reason is to send a strong message to your h. At the moment he's fucked you over but he still is smarmy about making you toast. Getting him to leave - for however long- would show him, no, that he doesn't get to do that, it would say clearly, look these are consequences of your actions, being apart from your lovely home wife and kids...

wheredidiputit · 24/03/2013 09:04

Because while he is in your house, he doing all the little things to make you feel good/better. I.E. making you tea and toast. And he doesn't have to face up to what he done.

It's only when he had he is living elsewhere doing his own washing/cooking (hopefully you are not doing this anyway) not being with you and your DC all day well he see what HIS action have done.

You can still go to relate to work through what happen and how to move forward from it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/03/2013 09:14

Going away and giving you space is the only thing that will make him face the consequences of his very selfish, entitled and cruel behaviour.

LOSS is the only thing that motivates cheaters - loss of his family, home comforts, domestic services etc is likely to make him think hard about his actions and should you decide to take him back, he is more likely to want to look at himself and make some changes.

newbiefrugalgal · 24/03/2013 09:15

You don't have to kick him out permently at this stage. You are in shock and need some time and space.
So ask him nicely to leave the home to give you space.
Think about arrangements with DC which will suit you, no point in having pop in and do bedtime each night -wont make much difference.
He needs his own space time to work out why he has been such a f£&kwit.
Excuse my language I'm so so angry for you.

BarredfromhavingStella · 24/03/2013 09:47

At the moment he's seeing no consequence to his actions so the logic of kicking him out will solve that & give you space to think about the way forward. While he is there you will probably get coerced into things you don't want by him-don't let that happen.
What he has done is as low as it goes, I'm so sorry you have got to deal with this shit. What an absolute wanker.

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