My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Do you mean you wish his dalliance would blow over & you forgive & go back to normal? Or do you mean that you won't be able to do that?

I wish that none of this had ever happened.

I've been meaning to ask, Joy: I presume you have asked your H: if him messaging this woman is so completely OK that you are so utterly mad and unreasonable to object to it, why is he so angry that you have mentioned telling the OW's husband about it? Surely the OW's DH would be totally OK with it, if it's only poor, mad, controlling Joy who thinks there's anything wrong with it? What would be the problem?

If you have asked him, what did he say?

The cake sounds lovely. Sit down with a and enjoy it.

I think you should focus on doing stuff that makes you feel better. I would do nothing at all for him, I would not speak to him, I would avoid his company. He will either prove he wants to change (not very likely IMO but...) or he will keep up the 'normal' act for a while then get impatient because you are 'still going on about it /making a fuss' etc. Either way, I think in time you will get your answer about what you need to do. Just keep your distance emotionally from him in the meantime. He is the one who needs to prove himself. You need to do nothing.

I want to hide my head in the sand and not have to face up to the reality of the situation. But I will be betraying myself if I do that.

If H could take responsibility for his behaviour and beliefs we could at least talk, but he won't.

BalloonSlayer (crazy name BTW) I did make that point to him. He didn't really answer it. I think his main response was that I was arrogant.

I think when he says that I'm 'arrogant' what he actually means is that I am right and he has no valid come back.

I am going to try to focus on myself. Little sad thoughts keep popping into my head about H though.

It's sort of boring this part isn't it - getting used to the new normal. There's no distracting drama, just boring old slog.

Joy, after becoming infatuated with OW, my XH came up with every reason under the sun why he had to leave.

I couldn't go for adultery but went for unreasonable behaviour and my solicitor quoted parts from their Facebook chats, listed the fact that there were thousands of texts a month between them and emails too. He also put her name on it which pissed her off no end and I got accused if trying to ruin her marriage

If your H can't see that he has done anything wrong then there is no way forward. I begged my XH to come back even after finding out about all the contact with OW, but in reality I don't think I would have ever trusted him again if he had come back. Every time he was on his phone I would have wondered what he was up to.

It is only natural to feel like you wish none of it had ever happened. I sometimes still feel like that 12 months later. But you have to tell yourself that you deserve better than your H. That he does not deserve you.

It is very much one step at a time and at your own pace. I divorced my XH immediately as I was afraid he would get into debt. That's why it had to be UB as I didnt want to wait for two years. I was proved right as twelve months later he owes £20k and is going into an IVA.

So go at your own pace but do make sure that you protect yourself and your assets .

I will tell myself that I deserve better but I don't think I will ever want to be with anyone ever again, quote honestly.

I know I can be fine on my own but it wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted to have a family but it will be too late for me now as 40 is not far off for me. That really hurts a lot. Ouch.

You are allowed to feel sad, of course you are. But you are also allowed to find the positives in your new situation.

It doesn't matter how trivial they may be - one of mine was that I enjoyed fresh bedding every night (XH was a smoker and heavy drinker). Even that disheartening mess in the bathroom? Hey it's MY mess

Treat yourself to some positive thoughts. No need to share the cake except virtual cake with MN of course. Yumm x

Joy it's so crappy that you're in this situation, through no fault of your own, and my heart really goes out to you.

Thinking of you

Not only has he refused to acknowledge what he has done they are still all over each others Facebook. He doesn't give a shiny shit for your feelings.

He can be so sweet, that's what's so horrible, seeing him giving all that nice part of himself to someone else when he hasn't really been sharing it with me for a while.

The conversation I saw included discussion of how to cover their tracks - him advising her how to do it. He is quite the gentleman. [ironic face]

Ideally I'd like to give him a massive, massive shock so that he is in no doubt how seriously I take this.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying and I don't want to keep checking up on him.

All this from the first day you started this thread. You sound so switched on and aware. He must seem like some doppelganger, not the man you thought you knew at all.

Joy, the hardest thing about this kind of issue is how out of control you are, of what happened and of his reaction. All you can do is accept that you know him a bit better than you did before, and accept it.

I did stay with my h because he did accept responsibility. However, even then it is hard, because I will always know that he did of what he did, and that he lied about it at the time do rampantly. That can't be changed.

I can't put the clock back on his behaviour/ there it is.

In your case there is not even the promise of better times ahead, because he is so in denial.

He has taken from you the chance to have a family, with him. I certainly wouldn't recommend it, given what he is like now, without that pressure.

You will not move on before your brain is ready.

I do hope, however, that you will bear in mind that many women in their earlier forties do meet and marry quickly. I know a few with kids who never expected them beforehand. I hope you don't leave it do long that you deny yourself that chance.

And hoping you can ever make sense of my posts, through the typing errors on this phone!

Having my life spin out of control through no fault of mine is horrible.

I'm finding this very hard to accept because I have had a hellish last few years with family problems. I really thought I was it was my turn for a bit of happiness, or at least some peace.

at your typing onefewer. I'm grateful you made the effort to type on your phone at all.

Joy - a man who cant support you through bad times is not a man that you need. I have to remind myself of that after losing 3 family members in a year and starting my own business, life got very stressful for a while. Instead of talking to me about it, XH turned to OW to discuss our relationship.

It is better to be on your own, than to be second choice. I don't know how far off 40 you are, but I had my first and only child at 36. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I know women that have had children in their 40's, so dont give up hope.

Just concentrate on one day at a time at the moment. That is some of the best advice that I was given. It is awful having your life spin out of control, spinning in a way that you just dont want.

One day at a time, little steps, get some legal advice, no need to rush into anything, but always best to know where you stand.

Look after yourself in the meantime.

Oh OP I can feel the despair and pain in your posts. I'm delurking to hold your hand. It's early days and you've had a huge shock, of course you're finding it hard to accept.

To still be all over each others Facebook is so disrespectful to you and her H - you're a better woman than me I would be telling her H no question.

Stay strong, you know you deserve so much better x

It's so horrible when it feels like your turn for good things to happen, it must be your turn, and then something crappy happens instead. Again. I know I had quite an extended period of time when my poor work colleagues greeted me every morning with a look of terror, waiting for the next (it was daily as well) instalment of My Life Out Of Control. I remember at the time feeling so bruised about the unfairness of it all, when it just kept coming.

I didn't even really notice when the upturn started, I had been going one foot in front of the other for so long. But it does come, it will come. And actually what I most remember from that time in my life is not (unless reminded) the dreadful numbness or grinding fear or the anger or pain, but the beauty and kindness and amazing support from the people around me. No, I wouldn't choose that way of finding out how great people can be, but whilst I'm not sure I believed myself when I was whispering "I'll laugh about this in a few years' time" through gritted teeth - I really do laugh about it now.

It will get better. Honestly.

Joy, I could type a page if how unsupportive my h became when his online flings were a feature.

I even had to cancel two hospital inpatient stays (or refuse them) as he wanted to be elsewhere, working for free at a conference the first time.

He used at one point to stay on his office all day and night and put his fucking cups and plates and rubbish outside the door.

I simply can't believe I put up with it, now.

I think someone talked about the frog in the hot water- you know it, if you chuck it in it jumps straight out but if you heat it up slowly you don't notice. That is what it is like. You having a good job, normal assertiveness at work, degrees, it makes NO DIFFERENCE. I had those things too, still have, but when I "woke up" to what was in fact under my nose for all too see, it took me months to unravel what I had allowed myself to become.

So no need to defend yourself to us.

But we see him more clearly than you do, as posters saw my H.

He thinks he is smarter than you, superior, and worse, perfectly on control. So make sure he is not .

Xx

Of how, not if!

In control!

I do think that book Why does he do that? Might be worth a read, regardless of what he isn't like. And Patricia Evans on verbal abuse, which opened my eyes!

onefewer makes good points and the one that jumps out at me at the moment is the bit where she says you can have a good job etc - it's important, I think, to remember not to let this stuff with H define everything in your life. At the moment it's right in your face and taking up all your energies - but this is not who you are. It's a part of your life, an important one, but it's not all of you.

People on here are responding to a strong sense of you, that shines out from your posts. This is a crap thing that is happening to you, it is not you.

It is so very hard to accept that the kind man I would normally turn to, ie my H, is not available to me. And he apparently doesn't care that he has really hurt me. Or care that he has behaved in such a despicable way.

Actually I think he does care that he has let himself down so badly, that's why he blames me so much.

I just want to go home and H to give me a hug, but that's not an option.

((Hugs))

I know it will get better