My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Joy I admire your resolve and your ability to determine what is right for you.

No matter what sort of BS comes your way, do not ever consider the cock eyed notion that you are responsible for your H's choices here.

Make plans though, because you are dealing with a narcissist and a relationship with a N is never going to be a happy one.

I must admit by now, if I had been armed with all the Facebook profile pages and the screen shots from it - I think I would of had to of shared the ' harmless fun' simultaneously to Dh' s , Ow's , and OW's DH's pages. In much the same way I do other photos.
If they weren't doing anything bad, just having fun, showing everybody involved , then it shouldn't have any more impact than sharing a picture of a puppy etc.
But OP you do sound so much more adult than me.

Have a good time with your break with good people.

P.s
I did have a friend send this from a wholly different postal area to my DH's OW - when she left her job (with him ).

www.smuttycards.com/sleep-with-new-job-card/prod_1409.html

I didn't get any feed back , but felt warm inside at her opening it at the desk and having to laugh it off ( squirm ).

Again childish I know....

I'd change my cover pic to a screenshot, then tag the fuckers H & goady bitch GB

Pausing ahhhh you have amazed me.

A friend of mine found something similar from his gf and inboxed the screenshots to all their mutual friends one by one. Not even a group message so she never knew exactly who had read it and who hadn't.

No words, just the screenshot. He let it speak for itself.

Are you ok Joy?

Another lurker here, delurking to say - hope you're ok too!

I've been lurking since I posted, and am quite worried. Hope she is ok.

OP said she was going away for a few days. Hopefully she is trying not to think of this all or talking to RL friends.

Hello. Happy Easter.

I am away staying with people in rural parts where the internet is barely functional. I haven't been able to log on to MN at all. I have been able to read comments though.

H contacted me immediately after I left and said that he was disappointed we couldn't talk like two sensible adults. He said the events of last week were a symptom of a deeper malaise and not the cause. The real issues need adressing; my not moving into his home until four months after we got married created a weak foundation for our relationship, he felt rejected that I did not take his surname. It is wrong of me to focus on one recent event and use it as stick to beat him over the head with.

He said he has cried many times during our marriage, I have no idea how angry I make people. I seem self-indulgent and selfish in my analysis at times. The couples counselling we attended made things worse, H heard things which were so hurtful that he felt more desolate about our future than he had before the sessions. We are both to blame for months of pain and unhappiness.

*

I, personally, would absolutely love to sit down and talk about things in a respectful and adult way. But when we talk H contradicts, blames and turns everything round onto me.

I do not see that we have a way forward when that is how things are.

*

A couple of points:

• I didn't move in to H's straight away because I was busy with work and the wedding. At the time H was fine with sorting out our living arrangements after we got married. In fact we had originally planned to still use my flat in London and his home at w/ends. In the end I couldn't afford to do that and H kept objecting to my lodger - who of course I promised to replace if H preferred.

• I always said I wouldn't change my name.

• I suggested couples counselling early into our marriage purely because of a couple of little problems with one of DH's children. Step-families are tricky and I thought it was a good idea to tackle issues early. I also thought it would set a good foundation for our marriage and help us find ways to tackle any other non-children related problems in the future.

*

That's about it for now. I have been very honest and open here so please respect that and be gentle.

If I thought there was any chance of having a constructive conversation with H I would do it - in a flash.

If H had some concrete, constructive requests to make of me I would fulfill them.

It just doesn't seem to me that what he is saying and how he actually behaves when we are talking add up at all.

ok, so he isn't happy. and neither are you. But none of those reasons excuses his behaviour. He could have talked to you and tried to sort these things out, but chose to look elsewhere for comfort instead. My XH did the same, he threw all sorts of things at me as reasons for why he had to go, most of which completely unknown to me at the time as he had never previously discussed them.

If he wants to talk like adults, and you do too, then you have to agree a time and place to do that, and set some ground rules in that you will each let the other one speak etc and then have a right to reply.

But he cant just gloss over his behaviour be effectively saying that it is all down to you. He has to take responsibility for his own actions and admit that what he did was wrong, it was a huge betrayal to you and he has to see that before either of you can deal with it and move on - if that is what you want to do.

If he had always known that you were not going to change your name, its a bit late to bring it up now. Also, if there were good reasons why you did not move in straight away, then he should understand, or have brought it up at the time if it was a problem.

It sounds like he is still trying to blame you for everything. No doubt you do have faults, as do we all, but you have to reach a middle ground somewhere between you.

I hope you have had a lovely few days away and that you come to a decision about your XH.

Isn't it curious when a person behaves badly then lo, when found out, they seize the initiative, instead of being contrite and full of remorse they go on the attack? The floodgates open and all that was wrong in the relationship (ie YOU) is plain to see and now vocalised.

Pretty strange and destructive way to start communicating, go off at a tangent and start an EA with a married woman.

If he were really genuine about discussing this he would listen, not just talk at you - dialogue not monologue. Sounds very much as though he wants you to STFU about the very recent past and by harping on about his own tears and unhappiness, try and guilt you about it.

Sorry, meant to type, "tears" and "unhappiness".

It's all you fault isn't it Joy. If you had only done this, and only done that it would all be okay. You made him unhappy...

What a pile of shite, he is trying to deflect the current situation away from the OW and put the blame squarely at your feet.
No amount of talking will ever sort this out, he had plenty opportunity to talk but chose to have an EA instead. When confronted with the evidence, after initially denying it his first action was to protect OW...It's all your fault.

There is no reason why you have to stay or even get into dialogue with your H. He has shown his true colours.
No is a complete sentence.

Sitting here open-mouthed. He has been unbelievably horrible to you and now he's really having to scrape the barrel to find some justification for his actions. You won't change your name? Well boo hoo.

I'm sure you're realising you can do so much better than this.

I read this thread earlier and to me, it's clear that this guy is a misogynist bully.

Once you see that, I can't see the point of carrying on because he's not going to change and the only way to stay in the marriage would be if the OP changed and became a shell of the woman she is.

I'm sure all his current complaints about the OP are because he's been having an affair, but in a way the affair has just highlighted the sort of guy he is.

Yes you're right Joy, he does still seem to blame you for everything & take no responsibility. There really is no excuse for being in a sexually explicit exchange with someone else & his reasons for doing so are rather old aren't they?!
I guess it depends on whether you can forgive this & then whether your H is able to accept responsibility for it & start treating you with respect & love?
My DH was texting an ex (nothing sexual) but seeking emotional support from her instead of turning to me. We ended up separating for 3 months but since then worked very hard on repairing the damage & looking at what went wrong in our marriage. We are now very happy together but he had to be the one to swallow his pride & admit he had been wrong & make it up to me for that process to begin.
Do you feel that would be possible for him Joy?

Gawd Midwife NCer and only occasional poster here, but I remember your posts.

Can't believe you took him back! I'm sure you have your reasons, but be careful. I'm taken aback that you seem to be finding excuses in the marriage for him behaving so awfully to you for such a long time. Amazed in fact.

No excuses. He did behave very badly. But he had spent a very long time (since last August) making up for it & accepting full responsibility for what he did wrong 100%. Not blaming me in any way. The hard work I have put in has been to do with learning to trust him & accept his apologies.

But shouldn't that have included telling the truth about his affair? He so was having an affair Midwife!! Wasn't it with his cousin?

I'm sure you know best but like I said, be careful you're not believing what you want to believe. If there are still lies, how can a reconciliation work? I really do wish you well by the way- just don't want to see a good woman fall for lies to get the happy ending.

Don't worry - all was revealed & the necessary evidence seen & there are no more lies. Obviously I don't want to hijack Joy's thread here as this isn't about me! But things are now good. My point was is it possible to reconcile if the wrongdoer accepts 100% of the blame & makes things right (if the other party wishes to forgive of course!)

Good luck midwife. Just don't lose yourself too much through compromise. x

Thanks