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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2013 12:04

Don't see it as a waste Joy Sad

Learning and growing is never a waste, just a journey.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 03/04/2013 12:13

Well, I'm back home.

I still feel really exhausted. I don't want to be taking the steps I am going to have to take and it all feels really weighty and like I'm being dragged down rather than feeling like I\m doing something positive.

I've been talking to my DPs and they are very supportive of me and agree that there is nothing I can do to resolve this.

I'm going to speak to a solicitor, explain to H that I do not see a way forward for us and then do whatever I need to do to move on in terms of living arrangements.

H is in the spare room and he can stay there.

I'm sure H and OW (aka - goady b*tch - GB) are still messaging like mad. Good luck to them. I'm not going to look at her FB page so she can be as goady as she likes.

I cannot make some sort of victorious declaration that it's all over and I''m going to LTB.

I can just about manage this one step at a time.

A lot of me feels humiliated and just wants to whinge that it's not fair - because it's not.

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 03/04/2013 12:18

No Joy, it's not fair, it bloody isn't. Then again as my late father would have said "Nobody said life was going to be fair." always annoying

But you are doing well, and your life will get better when this is properly over.

One step at a time is all you can do. And you are doing it. Try and do some nice things for yourself won't you, to help you through this hellish time.

All the best x

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 03/04/2013 12:25

One step is all you need to take as long as it is forwards not backwards. It is a time for grieving for your lost relationship and coming to terms with the fact that your future is not how you had seen it just a few weeks ago. Don't be hard on yourself and yes, I can see why you feel humiliated, but that is not the case. You have done nothing wrong in this and yet you carry the guilt he is happy to pile on you. Just try and get through the next few days, they will turn into weeks and you will get stronger and happier with each day. Lots of us have been there and got through the other side - you will too in your own way and in your own time.

whatkungfuthat · 03/04/2013 12:37

Well done for not looking at her Facebook anymore. It can only cause you more pain. I would still send all the proof to her husband when the time is right and you are out of reach, by then the GB will think the threat has passed. I know some people won't agree but you'd have to be a saint not to and her H needs to know so he can make his own choices.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2013 12:46

((((Hugs))))

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 03/04/2013 13:10

You're doing great and your parents are right.

I know it's tempting to tell the dh but you don't really know what he's like. He could get violent or do anything. I've known a few men (dhs/dps of friends) who on the surface look great but are monsters. In fact your own dh seemed ok didn't he?

perfectstorm · 03/04/2013 13:26

I agree that taking it a step at a time is all you can do, and I'm glad your parents are being so supportive. Legal advice is the next step, sadly, yes. I'm so very sorry you have had your love and faith repaid this way.

I'd block the OW on facebook so you won't see anything at all she says in any context. She's not worth your energy if she is so lacking in dignity or common decency. I wouldn't, sadly, think about her DH any further, either. It isn't your responsibility or problem.

Good luck with it all. This is screamingly unfair, but at least you know now rather than in 10 years with numerous affairs and no independence or confidence. A controlling spouse tends to be frog in the bathtub territory.

ProphetOfDoom · 03/04/2013 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Midwife99 · 03/04/2013 16:51

It feels unfair because it bloody well isn't fair!! You are being so dignified - you should be proud of yourself!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2013 18:10

Any egg on face is definitely not on your lovely visage OP so chin up, the STBXH is not worthy of you. If he and OW are still messaging they are not going to admit any wrong-doing so let them carry on.

When you are clear of him you can decide whether or not to let her H know.
Glad your parents are by your side and this is unfair and rotten and must feel like some awful dream but well done for not putting up with any more rubbish.

something2say · 03/04/2013 18:39

Hugs from me as well Joy.

The end of a relationship is never nice.

The only advice I can give at this stage is this.

When I was breaking up with my ex, I felt like I was trying and trying to turn a prism round this way and that to make the view different. But it never was. So I have up looking at it.

Take the steps you have to take, but otherwise look elsewhere. Tv, books, future plans, whatever it is you like to do. Do that, because there is nothing you can do to make it right with him now, so don't bother trying. It will only make you sad.

X

QuintessentialShallots · 03/04/2013 18:53

No, it is definitely not fair.

And it is interesting that even if OW knows she has taken part in ruining a marriage she is still not taking a step back. Her husband should know. I feel for him, and you Joy. You, and and him and their kids are all innocent in this.

Are you going to name her on the divorce? Will you inform her husband?

Doha · 03/04/2013 19:24

The time for contacting the OW DH will come but put that on the backburner just now. It is suffice to say that you have the ammunition if needed and your H and OW know that --leave them sweating.
Just now is your timetime to lick your wounds and heal. get your affairs in order and get the cheating twat out for lifeat present he is taking up too much headspace.
I am so glad you have your DP's on side, hope you have good RL friends to off load to too.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 03/04/2013 20:00

I can't really face the idea of legally ending the marriage just now.

I'm going to get some legal advice and then I'm going to concentrate on myself and sorting out my life and where to live.

I feel utterly devastated that things are working out this way. I can't really contemplate it properly. That is why I am just going to take one bearable step at a time.

something I think I know what you mean. I think I could spend forever flipping and twisting myself around to get H to engage in our marriage in a constructive way. But that is not in my gift. If he won't, then he won't. It's out of my hands.

OP posts:
something2say · 03/04/2013 20:24

Yes it is my dear.

I fully understand where you are coming from.

I hope the warm weather comes soon so you can get out across the fields and get some head space / wide view, which always seems to help with these things.

X

Xales · 03/04/2013 20:25

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It had only been a fortnight everything is still a massive shock.

You can file for divorce in a week, a month, 6 months, a year or never. I wouldn't recommend the last as I don't think this man is trustworthy and I suggest you protect your assets.

We will be here whenever you need and so will the people who care for you in RL.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2013 20:33

I think there is a limit on the time you can take to divorce someone for infidelity. After that, it has to be for unreasonable behaviour. Not sure how long that time frame is though.

My personal opinion though, is that if you know the marriage can't ever be fixed, then sooner rather than later is better for you, in terms of healing and limiting his power to hurt you further.

So sorry that it's turned out like this x

QuintessentialShallots · 03/04/2013 20:54

I think it is 6 months

Xales · 03/04/2013 21:03

If he hasn't actually gone that far despite trying he being such a moral fine upstanding catholic would refuse to accept adultery.

I am sure Joy won't have any problems with unreasonable behavior if she wants though.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2013 02:05

Joy, I recommend reading about narcissists. Take a look at this site

This one is huge and full to overflowing with detail.

outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html

Check out books by Les Carter, and Randy Kreger.

'In a sense, narcissists are out of touch with reality. They are not mentally ill, like a psychotic; they are just unwilling to acknowledge truth that doesn't match their preferences. While normal people can weigh events rationally and draw fair conclusions about themselves, narcissists do not. They lack the objectivity to live with reasonable insight because their need for self exaltation does not allow them to accept that their perceptions might not be the ultimate truth. Their idealized view of themselves blinds them as they try to make sense of life, particularly the elements in themselves that might be imperfect or that might require adjustments (and they never want to make adjustments).'

A quote from 'Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism' by Carter.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2013 02:06

Forewarned is forearmed.

HollaAtMeBaby · 04/04/2013 08:09

You are doing brilliantly, Joy. Just keep taking it all one day/hour/minute at a time. Flowers

honey86 · 04/04/2013 09:56

you sound like such a strong woman. well done...
let her goad, she wont be so smug when he does it to her too.

'if hell cheat WITH you, hell cheat ON you'

maintain your dignity, youll be better for it in the long run... xxThanks

Original poster
JoySchtick · 04/04/2013 12:41

I have more energy than yesterday when I felt as if I had been flattened by a truck. I think that running on adrenaline and high emotion for days on end just suddenly left me weary.

I've cleaned the house and baked a cake. I wouldn't say I was a particularly homey person but it just felt very grounding.

My cake is vanilla and chocolate. I'm sure there is something very nurturing in the smell of vanilla.

H is trying to act normal, I'm sure he thinks this will eventually all blow over.

I wish it would.

OP posts: