Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

I struggle to see my family as narcs, they are lovely, friendly pillars of the community to everyone else. But to me... The more I think about it, they all seem to be narcs and enablers!

I was 21, and had just been dumped by my fiance. I was devastated, obviously. DM told me I wasn't allowed to talk to DSis about any of it because she was so so upset (she worked for the company who had been booked to do the photos and was embarrassed at having to cancel them).

I was about 23/24, DF taking me to train station after a visit (I had inexplicably! moved about 350 miles away). Said that I needed to think about my weight (I was size 16, maybe), because did I realise how upset my mum was getting about it, she was worried about my health. I cried all the way home on the train. (There were other weight-related remarks, including when I was being fitted for my sister's bridesmaid dress and DM presumptuously telling the fitter how I'd be losing weight for the event.)

I was about 24/25, parents were down visiting, we went to a friend's BBQ and I got quite tiddly paralytic. I know that's not good, but I was utterly, utterly miserable with my life and myself. My DM decided I'd shamed her and wouldn't speak to me all the next day. We had a day out, lunch, she just blanked everything I said and didn't speak all day. I was just bemused.

I've seen a few familiar names on here, telling some really sad stories.

sorry herrena, didn't mean to detract from what you were trying to do, been reading far too many toxic posts methinks

When I was little, I was in hospital a lot. She said:

'I had to walk half a mile every day just to visit you/take you to and from hospital, it was very inconvenient, I'll tell you'

'I fed you and clothed you, what more do you want?' Er, love, maybe, or was I pushing it?

crushedintherush, I get the 'I fed you, clothed you and kept you neat and tidy' thing too.

My mother is so, so quick to take offence at everything. We had a family meal a couple of years ago and my teenage DD said something about something my mum was going to do would be embarrassing for her and I said jokingly 'Oh yes nanny, don't embarrass DD1'. My mum immediately started crying, shouting, getting hysterical saying she was never going to speak to any of the grandchildren again! This was in a Brewers Fayre restaurant!

Then another time we all went on holiday together; my parents, my sister, her DH and kids, and me with my DH and kids. On two separate evenings my mum just sat there in the bar crying. We were all just sat around a table in the hotel's bar watching the entertainment and she just sat there crying. None of us asked her what the matter was. TBH I didn't much care. I used to get smacked as a child if I cried, so I fail to muster any sympathy for her mood swings

I got smacked for crying too, I wouldn't mind, but..who made me cry in the first place?
I remember crying.....a lot. So did she, but they were tears of self pity. Mine was through being thoroughly miserable.

My dh and I moved away from the same village as her, about 5 miles away. (some people would say it wasn't far enough, but I know she is too lazy to visit us and expects us to come down to hers.)

She moaned once that they were never invited to our house, but when dad bought a car, I called her on it and she found every excuse not to visit. She has since made him sell the car..

the crying part was in response to ladywoo, by the way

My dad, re: teasing & mocking me at every opportunity - "It's for your own good. If you can't take it from me, how will you cope when other people do it?!" Note when, not if. I don't know, perhaps by having a loving, supportive family? No?!

Mum, when I commented that I always have to phone her to find out important information:
"You don't answer your phone." I didn't used to but have done for the last 2 years since getting caller ID. She'd know this if she ever rang.
"Don't you think I've got enough to worry about without having to make sure you're not offended?!" Yet my siblings knew.

She seems to think that I should just know when something important is happening & call for details. My siblings get told a lot more than me because they live close to her & pop round regularly. I probably wouldn't know that my grandmother has cancer if I hadn't called for a little while. Her main argument is that she sees what I put on facebook & therefore 'knows' what's happening in my life so doesn't need to call. I won't be putting on facebook that I thought I was going into premature labour last night & nearly went to the hospital because I was in so much pain. Somehow it'll be my fault she didn't know that if I don't call to tell her though!

I have coeliac disease and my M would give me gluten on purpose.

She didn't believe it's an auto immune disorder and thought it was me 'just being difficult'.

F when I asked him to stop speaking to me in an abusive way 'I'll talk to you however I like. I'm your father.'

When I called the following day to reiterate it wasn't acceptable, he hung on ME!

'you are lucky to have met dh, none of us thought it would happen given the way you are'.

crushedintherush, the smacking for crying is just awful isn't it? And like you say, who made us cry in the first place? Even now my mother gets annoyed with me if I am every upset or ill.

My mum used to shut herself in her bedroom on Sundays sometimes and cry for hours. I'd be able to hear her and it used to scare me. Then she'd say 'Look what you've driven me to'

I've been having counselling for a couple of years and my counsellor and I have come to the conclusion that my mum is 100% convinced that it's me with the problem; I was an awkward baby for crying, an awkward nasty toddler for having tantrums, a jealous toddler for finding the arrival of my sister difficult, a difficult child and a difficult teen. When in actual fact it was my mother that couldn't cope with a totally normal child. We've come to the conclusion too that she would never ever acknowledge that she played any part in how things were. As far as she is concerned she fed me, she took me to school, she clothed me. What more do I want?!!

Seriouslysleepdeprived, my parents used to call me all kinds of names and once when I tackled this my dad said to me 'Mum can call you anything she wants, and say whatever she wants to you. And there is nothing that you will ever be able to do about it'

jojobump re: the mocking/teasing. He obviously thought he was doing you a HUGE favour telling you that

My DF, in his speech at my DSis's wedding (at which I was the aforementioned 'fat bridesmaid') - 'Normally it is the older sister who gets married first. Not here though...' No reason to say that, it wasn't leading into any story or anything. He was just pointing it out to the 200 guests. I was mortified.

My DM, on taking me to the hospital to have my leg stitched after I fell at school (aged 11). 'You mustn't cry because this is where I work [she was a nurse] and you'll embarrass me.' (or words to that effect). Then she refused to let me hold my fluffy owl while I was lying getting stitched, she sat clutching it on the other side of the room. That was nearly 30 years ago and I can still remember the whole thing in perfect detail, down to what the owl looked like, and the 'sucking a lemon' look on DM's face while I was lying there, pleading with my eyes for her to give me the owl or come over and hold my hand or something. (The owl had a mortar board, btw!)

Sorry, I know my parents are really not in the same league as some of the awful things being done and said on here, but it's quite cathartic to write it all down!

Yuck, so many familiar stories.

I also have the 'should know when to phone' thing. My mum phoned on a Sunday to say my cousin had died - 'don't ask what happened because I DON'T KNOW' and hung up - the next week I asked where he had been when he died and she ranted and raved at me about how I hadn't phoned to find out, EVERYONE else knows, I'm just too lazy etc. I didn't want to bother her when she was upset.. Argh.

Have also been told just to accept the way my mum is and 'try to get along with her, don't cause arguments.'

Actually a bit upset now. Mine is nowhere near as horrible as some of these are but she's dented my confidence, I second guess everything I do and tie myself in knots and make myself ill wondering of everything will 'measure up'.

I've remembered another.

At 17 I went to school in the city centre. They rang my mum one day as I was ill. She took me to the dr complaining the whole way about how they wouldn't let me get the bus and didn't they know how hard it was to drive into the city centre.

It turns out I had thrush and after quizzing the gp she said she didn't care what the gp said, she knew it was a STI and I was just a slag. She kept to this until ds1 got it in his mouth aged 3 following antibiotics.

Also I got a love bite on my neck on holiday. She screamed at me in a market and called me a whore. My df just stood there.

we have caller display on ours, that way its us in control, whether to answer the phone OR NOT!!

I second guess myself too, roughty.

My mum is ok at the moment, asking how dh is ( under chemo at the moment) so I've been ok with her. 'See, mum, if you're nice to me, then I'm nice to you'. Easy as ABC, isn't it?

abusive ex when i was having suspected miscarriage, turned up unannounced to "make sure it was happening" :-(

Mine have both done some horrible stuff inc. recently 'cutting me out' (DF) for asking him not to drink in front of DS, followed by some hilarious 'It's okay, we've worked it out' from DM, meaning, he'd stopped ranting at her (I'm still cut out). But truly funny one a few years ago, when I'd left then DP after 8 yrs and moved and got a new kettle (amongst other stuff) DM getting upset and teary because I'd clearly bought said kettle (6 mo previously - she 'hadn't had time' to come and see me' during the previous, devastating 6mo) 'to make her look stupid'. (She couldn't find the on button and kept opening it by accident). I was laughing by that stage, but not at her stupidity.

I've never told anyone thus stuff before and while I'm sorry you've had such hard times, it's been good to realise it's not just my mum. Thank you.

same here, theonewithhair, I think we're all thinking the same thing. It validates us

My boss, when are coming back to work to make up for the time lost? My DM was buried the day before. When i said i wasnt going to she said,well someone will have to do it. She was worried they wouldn't win the prize for some promotion or other.

I've also had "I can say whatever I like" from DM many times; she also claims that I'm the one being unreasonable when I call her out about constantly criticising me, my parenting and basically how I do everything - apparently even though she'd never speak to any of her friends like that, it is perfectly fine to berate me because "a parent and child relationship is like that". Thanks DM, you teach me so much...

Absurd tale: approx 2 years after my marriage broke down, in the middle of an argument with her about something entirely unrelated, she spits out "I just don't know what's wrong with you, jademonkey - you split up with your husband and don't tell me anything about what happened, you only talk to your friends ..."

(Err could it maybe possibly be because you think it's completely fine to bring up painful things that have happened to me, years later, during an argument?)

My mother when I was trying on my wedding dress said "It doesn't matter what you wear, everyone always says the bride looks lovely whether she does or not. More to the point, what am I going to wear?"

The shop assistant was like this:

When my father died: "I don't know what you're so upset for, he was only your father, he was my husband."

When I was about 18 I organised an unpaid work placement for myself while I waited to go to university. I was so proud of myself - being shy and lacking self-confidence - as I had no experience to offer.

My mum said that its people like me that keep people with families to feed out of work.

Don't walk like that on your wedding day, you look like a ruptured duck. At my final dress fitting in front of the assistant and my bridesmaids.

The sad thing is I am so used to it I did not react. DM went off in a separate car, as soon as bridesmaid 1 and I got in my car she said ''I can't believe what she said'

No sooner were the words out then bridesmaid 2 rang from her car to say the same.

How sad is it that I was so used to it that it just didn't register