Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Shiningwhite

Solari I just want to give you a totally Un-Mumsnetty hug

Oh some of these are so familiar. 10 years post therapy, and still in contact with narc stepmother, but managing her well, I can smile at the unoriginality of the things she said to me that many of you have recounted here. But it bloody hurt at the time.

A gem i remember simply because it was so narc that even fucked up me couldn't normalise it was "I feel like soontobeMrTJ is trying to take this wedding over from us" (he, and I wanted to pay to hire nice crockery not have borrowed mismatching sets).

And more recently, just after my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, she sat at dinner with me and him and said in complete seriousness "in many ways I think this has been worse for me than it has for your Dad"

When I passed my O-levels (with flying colours) DM said to me "Oh, well that's only Ordinary level, everyone should be able to pass those", and when I was getting ready to go to my very first job interview she said "Don't try and be a smart-alec... men don't like ladies to be too clever you know!"

knackeredknitter your post about your H eating your Hosp food rings a bell with me.

I was in Hosp after having my dd by C-Sec (this is the dd that H 'changed his mind about' when I was 8 wks pg, and asked me to terminate, despite us having had years of IVF to have her, due to him being infertile. I also 'used him for children' apparently!)

H would always bring ds (2 years old) in to visit us at meal times. Twice a day, to the minute. I'd give ds my meal. In the end the staff made a 'joke' of it and provided a meal for my ds too, twice each day. Guess who complained that he was having to 'cook for himself'?

Mind, he thought he was being a 'Prince' visiting us at all.
H's mother came to stay to 'help' us.
Only, she came for the time I was in hospital, to help H 'look after ds'.
She was persuaded to stay for a few days after I came home.
I slept on the floor whilst she and her sister ('but I cant travel alone') slept in my bed. She didn't so much as make a cup of tea, but put a dummy in my dd's 2 day old mouth as she was 'making so much noise she will give me one of my migraines'.

My first real boyfriend.
We lived together for around 18m.
I was 19. He was 24.
He thought my mother was a bit loopy but tolerated her, in fact was very kind to her.
When we split I was devastated and took an overdose.
Her husband brought my Mother to the Hosp.
He was spitting nails as SHE was devastated that I'd brought her to the same Hosp as she'd had to come to all those years ago when my REAL father's wife (oh, yes, both he and my mother were married to other people at the time they had me) had tried to kill herself, when she and my father got together.
She took me aside (tried to but I was on a drip...) to tell me she was also VERY UPSET that Mark (the boyfriend) would no longer be 'part of her life' as he was the spitting image of my dead Father and it was so lovely for her, after all these years, to be 'able to gaze at him again'.

Been re-reading this thread & more recent additions on & off all day.

First time in my life i've read of others with narc history struggling with making sense of life (i.e motivating self, following goals etc) & wanted to thank you as it's had a profound effect on me & taken a significant edge off the internal anxiety i feel every day of my life.

I'll be 41 at the end of this year but inside i still feel like the terrified child/teenager/adolescent i was, reading a lot of material on re-parenting the self as am sick of feeling so scared of life but tricky when default inner parent is so harsh. Yet am able to give that type of support to anyone around me who even expresses a minor grievance in life.

Apologies if I'm rambling on incoherently, the last two years of my life have been littered with narcs, one after the other to the point i'm forced to finally start asking what it is about me that keeps attracting them.

Reckon the universe is getting so frustrated with my continued taking of blame of these vampires that it went 'right, she's not getting it, lob as many narcs as possible in her path so she finally learns to look out for number 1' :)

To get back to my first point - what i really wanted to ask is, does anyone else feel totally ridiculous when setting goals for themselves, looking after your own interests for a change, eating well, trying to set boundaries with others, finding work that fulfils you etc?

I always start off all energised & full of 'right, this is it, i'm going to do this' & then the voices cut in with mocking laughter & sort of 'who do you think you are' 'think you're special do you type messages?

Worried that sounds really odd now :)

Just saw that this thread is meant to be for black gallows humour on the subject. So ok...

Dad's racist rant being interrupted by the lovely Hindu lady next door bringing us some delicious home made Indian snacks.

Dad going soft eyed and wibbling to me about how wonderful he was because he only ever hit me with his hand (and fist, and foot, and thrown objects, across the face, in the mouth, you get the idea) and that meant that he had experienced some of the pain too. I truly am laughing at that one as I type, honestly.

Dad, in another soft eyed wibble, after yet another physical assault in which he threatened to murder me, "I held you when you were born, before your mother even held you, you don't understand what it is to be a parent...blub!"

Going on a family outing (joy), sister and me squabbling, Dad screaming and swearing at Mum as was his wont, and then suddenly turning to us all and shouting, "We are going on this outing as a fucking family and we are going to fucking enjoy it!" (No irony.)

And my personal favourite, screamed at a very high level of decibels: "I am going to slap you right across the fucking face you fucking piece of shit, why don't you have any respect for me???"

I could list so many, but from my abusive ExH after I left him and told him the police had photographed my injuries " it's your fault, you've always bruised too easily"
When I told my DM I was holed up with my three DC in a flea ridden rented house where nobody could find us while my solicitor got injunctions etc in place to protect me she's said " you've always thought life should be a bed of roses"

'why don't you have any respect for me' - ummh, how long have you got 'D' Dad??

I did let out a gallows humour snort @ 'fucking family' &
you're going to 'fucking enjoy it'

Can't do anything but 'enjoy' yourself after such 'tender' words can you.....

To get back to my first point - what i really wanted to ask is, does anyone else feel totally ridiculous when setting goals for themselves, looking after your own interests for a change, eating well, trying to set boundaries with others, finding work that fulfils you etc?

I always start off all energised & full of 'right, this is it, i'm going to do this' & then the voices cut in with mocking laughter & sort of 'who do you think you are' 'think you're special do you type messages?

Yes - absolutely. I am older than you and I have only recently learned that its OK to enjoy being good at my job, or that I can be proud of myself. If I got praise at work I would get panicky about what was coming next, what were they really thinking? It was standing up to my family that changed things, though that's still a work in progress.

Well, Bibi, quite!

I thought of a couple of others that make me laugh but might not translate well to text. One time, when Dad was screaming at me for whatever the hell reason that time, he used the phrase 'flying fuck'. I'd never heard it before and got a mental image of a naked couple flying through the air mid coitus. I cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. Didn't end well for me, of course, but I still laugh when I think of it, or when anyone says it.

Another time Dad was screaming at Mum because apparently the fish tank wasn't clean enough. He kept shouting, "The house stinks of fucking goldfish shit!" Again, I don't know why I found that so funny, but for some reason I did. My sister did too...we kept looking at each other, pulling a stupid face and saying, "The house stinks of fucking goldfish shit!" and dissolving into giggles. I think it was because he had to keep pausing for breath, which created an unintentional dramatic pause. "The house stinks of - fucking - goldfish shit!" It's all in the comedic timing.

As you may have gathered, he had a foul mouth and every bad word I know, I had learned before the age of four, from him. Once, when we had guests for dinner, I innocently asked, "Daddy, what does shit-for-brains mean?" He got flustered and embarrassed and told me not to say it. I said, "But Daddy, I heard you saying it on the phone earlier..." And I swear to God I wasn't playing up, I sincerely had no idea what it meant. I didn't get into trouble - my mother rightly told Dad afterwards that if he was going to use language like that around me, he had to expect me to repeat and ask about it.

I hope I have entertained...

Oh yes, ShebashimmyShake (hope i spelled that right, scrolling hand movements restricted by comfy cat who has had vair busy day in the wind & rain :))

Have a whole new image in my head for 'flying fuck' now & 'goldfish shit'

I am convinced that my warped sense of humour was forged in the 'fires of mount doom' of my fucked up families of origin & am grateful for that. One day i'll be brave enough to take the absurdities of our lives with narcs to the stage.

You've reminded me of a 'what does that mean' innocence of my own (since i appear to be on a 'mimi' roll tonight' :)

I grew up in Germany, my grandmother (also german) had an american boyfriend when i was around 6-8 years old.

One day he stood by the patio doors & went 'bloody fucking weather' - kids being kids i was on that like a fly to shit 'grandma, what does 'bloody fucking weather' mean i remember asking (root of fascination with english language found by the way)

'ooh, says grandma, it means 'it's raining again, dear'

Tickles me to this day :)

Thank you to the poster relating to my feeling stupid when attempting to look after myself post too (cat still restricting scrolling hand sorry :))

Haha, Bibi, your grandma rocks!

When I was 12 my mother left because she was pregnant as a result of an affair and to set up home with him. I was told by both my parents and had to choose who I wanted to live with. She left a couple of days later but because I didn't cry when she left, it never had any effect on me, she says.

Me: I do want to see you, but only want to see you alone
DM: How do you think that makes 'new boyfriend' feel?

Suffice to say, it never happened.

When I had my first child she told anyone that would listen that 'Poppy only had her baby because she was jealous I had a baby' ( She had one the year before ) and that I had the 'June' baby that she wanted and didn't have.

I was upset as my DF disinterest in my children and DM response was, 'well you do know he wanted you aborted, he can't stand kids, that's why you spent some much time with your Nan and Grandad'

She even told my DD that my DF wanted me to abort her.

DMIL has done a couple of corkers too.

DH On announcing he was leaving home DMIL said 'what about me?'

Me: New baby is going to be a girl, we've had a scan today
DMIL: DH must be disappointed, he wanted a boyl.

It will be no surprise to know I am NC with them all.

I forgot the cracker my DF came out with on realising my child was going to be mixed race. ' Poppy will end up with one black, one white and one indian'.

You've got to love family

Oh Poppy, what a bunch of mentally ill eff wits they really are! I decided a while back that the likes of us are under no obligation to love 'family' when they are capable only of bringing their uniquer brand of 'love' ie as far removed from the true meaning of it as possible.

Thanks for saying that about my grandma sheba, she was truly awesome. Saved my life as a child, the one person whom i truly know loved me unconditionally from the day i was born.

She actually took me away from my original parents to live with her for a while when the abuse at home got really bad.

I was skeletal i was so starved, still remember her taking me to buy glucose powder to try & build me up again. And eggs, bloody eggs, she was convinced they were the super high way to nutrition, oh the battles the poor woman had to get the damn things into me, hated them, can still only stomach a really dead rubbery yolk :)

I often think about how much courage it must have taken taken for her to go against her own daughter and take me away with her.

Original parents eventually lured me back with endless promises of how things would be different if i came back. Of course they weren't, used to beat myself up over believing them & hurting gran but i was a child, of course i wanted to believe the promises & finally make 'it right' & be loved.

Think i still do which is why i keep meeting more of these types of ghoul.

Never spoken about this publicly, thanks for listening & sorry for essay.

I started to read this thread out of curiosity (currently on page 10 so lots still to read) but am astounded to realise there is actually a named description for my family and that I am not alone in the misery I have suffered over the years. I am eldest of 4 (all fucked up in different ways) and here are just a few of my remembrances. ?.

Aged 14, bullied at school, no friends, miserable to the core, sitting on the floor with legs outstretched in front of me and eyes closed trying to keep the world out when my mother said "I suppose you're thinking what nice legs you have, well they're not half as good as mine when I was your age are they Dad". My father agreed they were not.

Aged 15, 2 weeks after my mother forced me to have an abortion after getting pregnant by my first boyfriend, who told me everyone had sex on the first date (I had no frame of reference as to whether this was true as there was no discussion on sex in our house and as this was the 70's none at school, either), she found me sobbing in my bedroom. Asked me what the hell I was crying for now, because she was sick of my bad moods and selfishness, and when I blurted out I wanted my baby she told me it was time I pulled myself together and got over it.........and thatbwas the only mention of the subject which had been ignored from when I came home from hospital.

Been in hospital numerous times over the years, births of all 4 of my lovely DC's, suspected brain tumour, operation for cancer.....never have my parents visited me. Now my sister on the other hand can't have so much as a cold without being visited and cosseted. Said sister hates me with a passion, but everything she does is right, almost everything I do is selfish, thoughtless and just plain wrong.

According to outsiders and wider family, who to be fair know nothing of the real circumstances, I have wonderful parents. And I have no idea why I have aided and abetted my parents in building this fucking awful lie, probably because I have always felt worthless and ashamed and dead sure anyone who found out would say it was all my own fault.

A lot of these are so sad. and hugs to everyone.

I could go on all day typing my "D" M corkers from over the years...but this is the one that finally pushed me into NC with her.

"You know I never wanted you don't you..I very seriously considered aborting you. As my daughter I feel you should spend the rest of your life being eternally grateful to me for keeping you" !!

After my dh had an affair, I needed to discuss some things with "d"f due to working at same place and I needed time off. I was devastated as I had no clue about affair and affected me terribly was admitted to hospital eventually.

My DF response to finding out "I don't know what you are so upset about AMI, you must remember that all men have affairs, its just the norm so get used to it"

Not long after this my ds was very ill. He called me as he had heard from another family member that ds was ill. His response "well I tried to warn you not to have kids, but you still went ahead and had them"

He has been married numerous times strange that and one of his previous wives was just as bad as him.

On my wedding day, she told me that I shouldn't have chosen my best friend such a beautiful bridesmaid, as she looked more beautiful than me on the day. Didn't you know you should have picked someone who is not better looking than you to stand by your side....

And people wonder why I have such a low self esteem. Because things like this have been 'normal' my whole life...

MIL, when it was just me & her in the room (she obviously waited until H and his SF had gone upstairs):

MIL: So, you're not really a typical girl are you?
(I was 25 at the time)

Me: Looked at her quizzically...

MIL: Well, I can see you make an effort with your make up, and you dress smartly, but your hair.....you don't really do much with that do you?
(At the time, I had a job where I had to wear my hair up, and we'd gone straight to theirs for dinner, leaving me no time to style it)

Nice.

DM had long spells of giving me the silent treatment when I was young, and when I was 17, she was a couple of months into one.

One night, I was involved in a pretty nasty car crash (my boyfriend at the time was driving) the car was a write off, and I was in quite a bad way afterwards.

I went straight home, shaking, crying heavily, and walked into the lounge where she was sitting.
She did not acknowledge that I was even in the room, despite my obvious distress.

In the end (after about 10 minutes of her ignoring me), she said angrily "what's the bloody matter with you?"

So I told her what had happened. It was all my fault of course, for getting in a car with him......

One of my teeth had broken on the impact, and all she could say was "oh well, you'll never be able to forget him then will you?" (He was still my boyfriend).

A few months after the accident, DM gave me a talking to, and expressed her disgust, that my boyfriend had not yet been round to the house to apologise to HER about the crash.

DM liked to point out ways in which I was 'less than':

You know, when you were born, your Father actually wanted a boy, and was disappointed when you turned out to be a girl. We'd only chosen a boys name, and really weren't expecting a girl, so didn't even think to chose a girls name.

Also, "when I was pregnant with you, your GM said I should have an abortion". (Lovely).

Always making reference to the fact that she had a job before having kids, and that if it weren't for us, she'd be doing this that and the other, and how she couldn't wait for us to leave home, so she could get on with her life.

She loved to tell me if other people had commented on me negatively, i.e. "Your uncle thinks you're weird".

I had been to a friends house to play once, had barely said boo to a goose (I was so shy), and was on my absolute best behaviour. When I got home, DM told me off, because apparently, the other girls mum had said I was ''cheeky'. I still can't believe that one to this day - I had no opportunity to be cheeky!

She was always saying "why can't you be more like so-and-so (usually her sister's daughter)?", and I can remember thinking 'Why on earth would I want to be like them??'

When I chose not to go to college after GCSEs, and go out to work instead, my DM wrote a letter to her sister in the US, telling her all about it, and how disappointed in me the whole family was.....she left it open on the floor in the lounge, just to make sure I'd see it.

She told my Brother that he was her favourite, and being the person he is, he took great delight in telling me (this was during one of her silent treatment spells), and also went on to say that she had said I was a bitch.

Just read all that through.
She doesn't like me much does she?

M blamed me for having to marry my f as she was pregnant with me.
M screamed " you stole my husband" when I disclosed that step father had been sexually abusing me since I was 7
Her favourite line was "the past is the past is the past" meaning nothing was ever spoken about.
There's so much more but I'm getting angry just thinking about the evil bitch.
I've been NC for over 25 years, I fully expect at some point in the future to be told that she wants to see me as she's dying. I grieved for her many years ago and never want to see her again.

I recently told my mum about years of abuse I'd suffered with an ex-bf and the night I took an overdose then miscarried a baby at home the next day (didn't know I was pg) with my mum shouting at me through the bathroom door about me staying out all night (I was a teenager).

I got told it hadn't happened as she would have remembered me staying out all night and I hadn't done that until I moved in with ex-bf.

She also told me she though ex-bf was a very nice young man.

I got no sympathy at all whereas when I told my lovely MIL she cried with me and hugged me tight and told me she loved me and how strong I had been.