Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Well my ex narc ....what can I say? I like to think that I am a halfway intelligent woman, but even after a year of not being with that loser, I still remember things that I IGNORED as red flags even though I knew in present time "this is some funky shit!".
My ex is Jamaican and I have a Jamaican background.

Whilst in the "courtship" stage of the relationshit, I was telling my ex that my father's first cousin and her now deceased husband (who, due to his height, super bassline voice and obvious "mixed race", stood out) owned and ran the then main gas station in Falmouth, Trelawny, a parish on the North coast which most of my country family hail from. My ex comes from St. Thomas which is on the South East coast of Jamaica. When we were having the "I'm from Jamaica, do you know anything about Jamaica" conversation my ex actually told me that my relatives have a gas station in St. Thomas. Yes, you heard right, he told me what my family member has like he KNEW them. I remember ignoring his lie/fantasy/headfuckery as I felt "shame" for him. Let's say I stayed with this fool for a year too long (the relationshit lasted 18 months). When it was over, I remember asking my father "does Aunt Beryl and Mr.Mac have a gas station in St.thomas?" Of course my father said "no".
It's the way they have you questioning your sanity that makes them "special", isn't it? Needless to say, I still get nervous people coming out of the woodwork "enquiring" after my e, as if they are trying to pick sense out of nonsense, but are too shame to actually say what he did to them and how they lied for him, until they realised that he was using them (these have all been men, by the way. The women in the equation are still trying to do the dance with the devil, not knowing that it aint gonna work. It's obvious that he shafted/used/lied to so many people that's why he managed to hitch himself to another woman who coincidentally lives only two streets away from where I used to work (on the other side of the capital). Yes, I think he followed me to my care work job. Even before I met my ex, I stopped believing in coincidences. What an utter creep...ewww

Reading some of these, I don't know what to say. Until last year, I thought that "narcissist" meant somebody who is vain. My father and dead mother were narcs. My mother, I thought was an actual victim of my father, which she technically was, what with him beating her, etc. However her pattern was set BEFORE she met my father (funny how death brings the skeletons out of the closet). All I'll say it that I was sad for my mother having to die from cancer ( I wouldn't wish that bitch of a disease on anybody), but I am relieved. She never liked me and made this plain all throughout my childhood/adulthood.
When I had a nervous breakdown after the birth of my daughter (looking back the birth of my daughter, having a narc as her father and an unsupportive mother and glory hunting father must have "triggered" something about the dynamics of my childhood) my mother came to visit me in the Maudsley. Can you believe that she took one look and said "you lot (my generation) haven't had it so good. The things that you lot call problems ....." I tell you what I never got from my parents, though. I never inherited their collective and separate weakness, their private life/public life personas, my father's and (now discovered) mother's cheating gene, their lack of accountability.
Oh, yeah, my mother told me to my face that she's not maternal. If I carry on, I won't stop. It's frightening to think that my tyrannical father (who due to age, has to cool his fuckery and who quite frankly I have a plan b for lest he tries to mash up my life AGAIN, if he is bored or gets the urge) was the least poisonous out of my parents. My mother pulled the martyr card right out of her arse. The glow dimmed a bit when she cheated on the man who "saved" her from my father's abuse. Yeah, she cheated on him with the fancyman she knew BEFORE she met my father in 1969. Makes me wonder if the communication EVER stopped between those two throughout my mother and father's relationship, throughout her twenty odd year marriage to my ex step father.....Liars and narcs...I hate them.

My DH to me, and our DC, about his (very attractive) OW: 'Walking into the pub with her will make me the envy of every man in the place. God, I love that thought.'

"If it doesn't work out with this woman then I will probably come back to you". and he was dead serious.

My very favourite from my abusive ex, after he got angry with me for putting on makeup "I don't know why you bother. It doesn't benefit me. I don't fancy you." (This is mild, he used to punish me for showering )

Me: "...It's over"

Him: "No it's not! I wanted to break up with you in september!"

Thankfully, that conversation ended with "NO, it's over NOW"

Stupid man wrote to me to ask me to come back in the december because he hadn't found anyone else to put up with his shit. I laughed.

My mother (who divorced my dad after 45 years of putting up with his drinking, abuse, rages, kicking in of doors, throwing hot food at the table) now fondly reminiscesthat I was his favourite child. I guess because he never actually punched me in public like my brothers. Just frequently told me I was stupid and ugly and kept me walking on eggs to avoid setting him off.

My exDH the narc once told me that if he had to use a condom to have sex with me he'd rather masturbate.

Thank god I'm not alone. I recently got this little gem:

"DD has got abandonment issues because you went to pieces after I left you.'

Er I didn't do any abandoning,

DM and DSF at 14 after a really successful parents evening where my head of year recommended me for an Oxbridge programme.

DM " what are you smiling about? Being clever wont make you pretty"
DSF "you won't be so clever when the idiot who marries you leaves you for someone with better legs, you never got your mothers legs"

the above was never the worst, just the one that made me howl with laughter in the car the whole way home, they honestly didn't understand what I was laughing at.

My ex when comparing me with his friends wife:

'You're like a Ferrari without an engine. She's like a clapped out golf. All my friends might envy me but what they don't realise is you don't go. She might look tired and old but underneath at least she's keen and great fun to drive.'

It was hard to know where to even begin with that.. What a complete prick. I left him very soon after.

Long time lurker, esp on the stately homes threads. Bit of background: narc alcoholic parents moved 70 miles away to build their "dream home" a few years ago. Constant guilt trips about selfish children not visiting, "all our friends are appalled that our children never come and see us" but dm makes no effort to visit me or sis and comes up with the most amazing excuses as to why she cant visit.

I had my first baby 5 months ago (1st grandchild in family) and although she puts on an amazing facade to other people, dm very very different behind closed doors. Other people would tell me she is a doting gm, but she could not give 2 rats and has called my baby devious and sly.......

Most recent excuse for not coming to see us - "I have to stay here as I am waiting for my sister's (i.e. my own aunt) friend from school's mother to die, and I will be the worst in the world if I don't go to the funeral".

That was 6 weeks ago, the poor woman is still not dead......

Another Stately Homes thread lurker. So many similarities, and so many narcs around!

My mother to me when I was about 17: "You'll never get married." Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence Mum.

And a recent assertion from my parents: "Food and money are love!" Erm, no food and money are not love, especially if they are given with condition and expectations attached. Only love is love.

Morning all! for all of you.

'Being clever won't make you pretty' but I did snigger. I'm amazed you could see the funny side at the time, though...mostly it comes with hindsight.

And isn't it weird that we've had at least a couple of DMs who won't visit because they are waiting for a virtual stranger to die? That is truly weird.

When my first boyfriend broke up with me after 3 years at age 18 and I was devastated, my mother said:

"How could you do this to me? The embarrassment of everyone knowing he dumped you will ruin everything."

My first boyfriend, who was surprised I broke up with him when he told me he didn't love me anymore, once wrote me a letter in which he calmly explained that he had finished reading the book he thought I was a few months after we got together, but that he had - gratiously - changed himself so he could continue reading some more.

He got in touch ten years later with an email that culminated in what was obviously ment to be the greatest compliment: "Of all the women that I've known, you loved me most".

And my M after I told her that said boyfriend had been quite unpleasent at times: "Well, he never behaved like that with me." And what a lovely pair they were indeed.

corestrength I was very lucky to have a wise old grandad who helped me see my mothers funny side from being about 7!

Some posters here really humble me, the strength they have to carry on after such awful treatment, I count my lucky stars and realise I was far from alone.

Oh also, when I 1st started seeing DH I took him to meet the gruesome twosome and my SF mentioned my thighs (the man is obsessed).

DH promptly replied, "I spend a lot of time between them and I'm a actually rather enamoured with them"

Bless his heart, SF was all and I nearly peed myself laughing.

Awww, Booster that is just the best comeback from your DH!

And isn't it weird that we've had at least a couple of DMs who won't visit because they are waiting for a virtual stranger to die? That is truly weird.

My mother goes to funerals .............

wait for it

of people she doesn't know.

Wow sashh, my dm always has tenuous links to the recently departed (or soon to be departed), but people she doesn't know?!!

I think what galls me the most is the fact that I am always at the bottom of the list and the randoms are put very much above me. The time and attention that my dear parents put into putting on a show for others could have been spent on me (sniffs, woe is me etc )

One i remember is on telling dm that my dh was seriously ill in hospital.

"oh so you won't be coming out to see me then?" in very hurt tone of voice.

Always trust her to find a unique response.

A 'friend' of mine who attacked me verbally, via e-mail and on my telephone because I had been invited to a dinner party that she had not been. Literally... someone qe both knew invited me. To their very own dinner party.

She wrote to me and said 'I am almost prepared to believe that you did not understand that you acceptance would have hurt me so badly. '

FFS, it had nothing to do with her.

Since then, I have had more messages... 6 years later, and was told just this week that she refers to me as mutual friends as 'SixPack, the backstabber and betrayer'.

My dsis when i called her to let her know about dc1's arrival after bloody long labour and tricky delivery merely said " I'm an aunt, I'm an aunt" in a note of disbelief before passing me onto BIL. Not a word about how the baby or i was "Self-absorbed" doesn't quite cut it..

Before I went NC to with my narc mother, I patiently explained that I didn't like her asking when I was going to bed, every time I stayed with them. She replied "But I ask [this] of your father, and he's ok with it". My narc mother cannot see that although my father and I are very similar, we are two separate people.

The older my parents get, the weirder I realise they are...

This thread has been really insightful, I've never know anyone in real life who has a parent like mine but this shows I'm clearly not alone!
The worst thing my mother ever said was "it's your fault your sister died because you gave me measles when I was pregnant" she constantly insists that I had a great childhood and has no self awareness
The best one most recently is "I've been thinking and I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be a grandmother" said in the most depressed woe in me voice! my marriage is falling to pieces and I'm a wreck but that's her main concern. I'm also 28 and my sister is 23 so maybe a bit young to be written off!