Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Saffron that's so funny [bugrin]

My MIL has never understood why anyone would want to take a photograph that didn't have her at its centre [buangry]

When I was a teenager, I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship.

I was quite ill and required a large medical procedure. I wasn't doing much other than sleeping due to painkillers. Ex rings and wakes me day of surgery and made me beg to get off the phone as doctors had said I needed a lot of rest.

After purposely winding me up as much as he could until I was in tears he said "alright, I'll allow you to sleep, but I want you to remember that next time you don't want to go to XXX's house."

XXX being his friend who constantly made filthy comments and would 'accidentally' walk in on me in the toilet, 'accidentally' grope me etc.

yeah, springy, maybe if I did write things down in a different slant, it would come easier.

Funnily enough, I could go through this thread and take out the bits I put down and that should do the trick

Anyway, I'm going to leave the thread for the rest of the day because I've got a lot on, so bye bye for now.

hahahaha - that's totally appropriate building [bugrin]

however, these days CoDA is so minutely structured that it is impossible to do that shit and get away with it. Years ago I went to CoDA for a few years and, basically, the group eventually imploded because we were, well, codependent! The structure of CoDA groups has moved on considerably since then. It is refreshingly safe.

Aw special, just about to go off the thread when I saw this about abusive exes. That is just awful. Was your ex aware of xxxx doing that to you?

I lived with a physically/mentally abusive ex, and when I decided to leave him, I told mum and dad about my plan to leave while he was at work. (all this arranging took place in a callbox inside my place of work as I was not allowed to have a phone in the flat which ex and me lived). Anyway the day came to leave (packing bits and bats beforehand along the way to make it easier and so ex couldn't see). My dad came to help me pack the stuff into the back of the car (note my mum (narc) didn't come to help).

When we got back to mums, she didn't come downstairs to see how I was despite dad shouting to her that I was 'home'. , she lay in bed reading the paper. I had to go up to see her.

And what was the first thing that came out of her mouth? 'Hope you took the *curtains down and brought them with you'

*Curtains she gave us when ex and I moved in.

(like I would give them a moments thought as dad and I had to hurry from exes with my stuff so he didn't come back in the meantime to catch us).

Also ' you'll need to stay in for a while, don't want the neighbours to see your bruises..what will they think?.' Like I wanted to go out anyway...

Yes, he was aware. Once he said in front of an entire group of people to my ex 'Wouldn't mind putting her on a spit with you!' Aka threeway :(

Never actually told anyone that story. He did far worse things but for some reason that one always remains.

Oh Crushed big fat cuddle I've been avidly following this thread (posted above I was lurking but not ready to post) And your story is heartbreaking. I can feel your pain palpitating off the page.

You are such a strong woman, you have survived. I am still thick with shame.

Anyway, sshoo with you! I demand you go have a lovely rest of day! xx

P.S. I relate to the bruises thing so much. Except he knew how to put bruises in places people couldn't see... Which lead to him controlling how I dressed because of what I had to hide. :(

He used to find it sexy for me to wear a teddy to bed and squeeze my arm-fingerprint bruises during. He liked that I screamed 'like a porn slut.' :(

Oh God, I better go too the floodgates are really opening!!

one last thing, special.

Your ex is a vile man. Big hugs and glad you're not with him anymore. And why are you still ashamed? You should have no shame at all. Hold your head up with pride, wonderful lady.

He started off giving me bruises where nobody could see them, then eventually he stopped caring where the kicks/punches landed. Thats when I knew I had to go...

The problem is, I wish I had the guts to 'leave' my narc mum...that would be the icing on the cake.

Thank you crushed, it means a lot.

I think I feel so much shame because I've never dealt with it and it makes me feel dirty... I don't want my DH to see me that way. :(

I completely understand the guts thing. I actually grew to hate ex but it was like I was addicted to him... Every time I tried to leave I came back.

Special - you are not like that - that was your x's vision, not you as you are. My xh was like that. Always splitting up, getting back together - on reflection is was all about him being in control. I think part of the addiction thing for me was that he constantly compared me to his x. Apparently she was better at evrything than I was (but he split up with her ). I think I was trying to be as good as her. In the end he left me. I believed it was all my fault - that I had ripped our family apart.
Many years later I could see him for what he was - and that I had had a lucky escape.

Sorry I haven't been on the thread much recently, we have been away visiting my narc(s). To whoever apologised for a comment not being in the spirit of the thread - don't be silly, I am delighted that it seems to have become a source of support and a safe place for people to discuss their encounters with arseholes narcs :)

One or two things caught my eye earlier. A few people said their M's didn't really have friends. Mine matches that profile. She also worked as a teacher in a country where parents and students are very deferential towards teachers, so of course she lapped up all the fuss from them and was as nice as pie to them. Previous classmates still tell me how lovely she is

Another thing - I think crushed said it - was about obsessively checking one's own behaviour for narc-like tendencies. Ooooh, yes. In fact I often feel like everything I say and do is being played out in front of an audience; I praise my son or clean a sideboard and think about how others would have judged me for those actions. The opinion must be positive. I know that's a bit weird but I also feel like it might end up helping me to be a better parent, as I am constantly evaluating myself.

Another reason to go check out building's parenting resources thread, perhaps....

Thank you Dothraki, I know exactly what you mean. There was no ex in my scenario (well there was but not a compare the exes type) but I was constantly seeking his approval... Even though I hated him. Then I'd hear his voice on the phone and he'd sound so normal... And it'd start again.

It's a shame these fruit cakes can't be eaten.

music - now there's a plan [bugrin]
you've just solved all our problems

I have been lurking. Alot of stories are -ingly . This one is kind of 'cute'.

My sister is a narc. She wanted to drive to the mountains, 2300 miles away, with me and my 2 dc and her dog. I knew better, of course, and at this point had learned to say "no thanks". So I did.

Then she said she could take my 2 dc and her dog. I may not have had the verbal enunciation skills to think of "protecting my dc from her" but in my gut, that was a 'no-go' as well. I politely declined again and she automatically launched into "Get That "No" into a "Yes" Contest". I remember this perfectly: I said, "Sis, if my dc do not ever, in the whole course of their lives, see [these] mountains, they will be just fine."

When that sank in as my final answer, she said she would like to borrow my minivan to take her dog to see the mountains to "enhance his life experience". As though, chuckel of disbelief, shame on me if I'm not 100 % on board with enhancing doggie's life experience. I said: no, sis, just rent a van then.

She is single, no dc and her dog is her companion. But "enhance his life experience" makes me about how superior she believes herself to be to effect other peoples lives...but then its a dog, just makes me .

Just got off the phone with narc bro. He got angry because he doesn't see why he should stick to my rules regarding my DD.

Andthebandplayedon-Aw bless. I reckon your sis will expect no less than gratitude from her dog after the life-enhancing experience, then

Oh Crushedintherush, Gratitude! I'm not sure how Dog genuflects for her, but it was kind of funny how Dog would come sit next to me instead of her when they visited (before I cut contact).

I'm not sure Dog (who she named after our deceased father, btw) ever made it to the mountain adventure. Another time she wanted to plan a beach trip with us. She insisted on having Dog come. My dh is allergic to pet dander (cats more than dogs, but he is still sensitive to dogs) so I stood up to her again and fought dh's side. "Why would dh spend his hard earned money on overdue vacation time in a house he wouldn't otherwise live in?" So we didn't go. A while later, she brought it up (in a way that she went to the beach without me, like I'd be hurt- not) and said that she took Dog to the beach and he didn't really like it after all. As if validating not having the family beach trip with Dog, all the while treating my dh like he was invisible (like she always treats/ed me).

Andtheband [bugrin] - seriously - no one could make up this shit ! I guess she expected xmas and birthday presents for the dog too [buwink]

Andtheband - genuflecting lol, just trying to conjure up an image.

Sounds like the dog is the canine equivalent of a 'golden child'.

No wonder he wouldn't sit next to her, all the fawning, unnecessary attention, over the top, having 'to-be-seen-to-be-doting' behaviour.....while the rest of us black sheep/scapegoats get no attention at all .

Bitter? Moi?

....and I haven't seen THAT many 'golden children' looking too comfortable ALL of the time.
Must be as much as a burden as us black sheep/scapegoats....

.....and your sis sounds positively barking. No pun intended regarding the dog

Dothraki, No, I don't buy Dog gifts. It may reveal the one social boundary that sister has, in that she has not insisted that I fork over for him after all the carloads of senseless crap she has dumped on my dc (trying to influence their preferences, no doubt. Och, no, lassie, she was enhancing their life experience. )

If you have not guessed she is single, no children, and enjoys an executive level salary.

Crushed, brace yourself for a much longer post regarding "Barking".

My Oldest Sister went to visit last Fall and discovered Dog was so stressed he wouldn't stop barking. Since then, sister has bought a New Dog, which I found out from OSis as sister has never mentioned New Dog to me.

Here's why.
5 years ago I came to have a surprise pg at which point sister blew a head gasket (OSis's term for it). She was not nice at all, and even applied to HR for maternity leave for my pg (my enough is enough moment). I decided not to call her for the birth.

A couple of weeks later, sister called me as I had not "checked in with her" for a while. I was angry. I would not give her birth details as I did not want to hear the inevitable analyzing/judgmental/dismissive comment she would make. I felt it right to not push my newborn in her face, so decided to wait until she asked to see/meet my baby, her new niece. I was ready to answer with a gracious "yes, of course", but she never did ask. It is as if dd doesn't exist (just like me, ha). Yes, five years on.

It has recently dawned on me that getting New Dog is parallel to the arrival of my third child. And since dd doesn't exist to her, New Dog isn't to exist to me. She can be vindictive, and barking bonkers; but it's a dog.