Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Andtheband - good job I wasn't drinking when I read that - or I'd have just spat it all over my laptop. Maternity leave wow that really takes the [bubiscuit], I am actually laughing (sorry - I hope you can laugh too - now)

Dothraki, yes, with time and encouragment from the chorus, I can find some humor in it. I can imagine her co-workers laughing long and hard over this. However, no schadenfreude here, as a rule, since so much has been at my expense I can not have a laugh at another's expense, even in innocent fun.
I think she was set up for it, tbh. Some senior guy at work told her that if both parents of an expectant {person} were deceased, that a sibling could apply for maternity leave to help the family member. She bit on it, hook-line-and-sinker. She did not ask me; she informed me that she did this. I was too shocked and emotionally numb to respond, and decided to rely on HR to turn her down.

I don't know if there exists such a rule or not. I can imagine if someone were single, 16, with a first pg and whacked out on drugs that this option might be available. However, as I was an educated, 45 yo, sahm, in a stable marriage with 2 other dc, they did turn her down, and she told me that they did. But then she said it was so obvious that they had made a mistake that she insisted that the paperwork be processed again, never mind the hr person's assurances that there was no mistake. So I waited and they turned her down again.

On one hand, it made me feel invisible which is what I think she was campaigning for so my dc would seek her out as primary mother role. On the other hand, it was another episode of the "All About Sister Show". When I told her I needed a break from our relationship (when she called after the birth) I told her that I could not make my pregnancy be about her. Response? Blank.

Sorry, again, for my epic posts!

Hmm, I have read a lot of this thread and I think my dm might be a narc. What do you think?

When stepfather used to beat me up (he did this repeatedly with fists for about 6 years, till i left home): 'no man would accept a 10 year old talking to him like that, what do you expect?'. She since denied all knowledge of him abusing me until tricked into admitting it 20 years later. She also used to say that I would grow up and leave one day so she needed to stay with my stepfather (they have since divorced though, when I was an adult).

On my personality, generally: 'you've always been difficult and unpleasant, since your sister was born' (just before my 2nd birthday) - I grew up thinking I was just an awful person.

My dsis was 'selfish' because she told my dm she wanted a small wedding and would not be inviting dm's friends. Apparently, dsis didn't understand that her wedding was about her family, more particularly about her dm, not about her.

Dm told me once that she would get cancer from all the stress I was causing her and it would be my fault.

Dm told me that I broke up her marriage to my df (which is strange, because I thought her leaving my df for another man is what broke it up).

She comments on my weight every time I see her, although positively if she thinks I am looking thinner. Being thinner obviously makes me a better person

The weird thing is, I have a ok relationship with my dm now, although she genuinely thinks she was a brilliant dm . I guess distance helps.

Andthebandplayedon

Did she actually use the excuse of your parents being deceased to gain mat leave?
How horrible. Makes you wonder, in the unlikely event that she would have been successful with the mat leave request, would she have come to 'look after' her niece, or was it all a big show, having to be 'seen' as a doting auntie. And to buy another dog at the same time of the birth. Positively barking. And sad too. Look at what she's missed out on .

I recognise a pattern with narcs, how they hate the idea of somebody (family members) having more than they have (real or imagined) and have to equalise, so to speak. Glad you see the funny side, but can relate to you finding it hard after being on the receiving end of it for so long.

I still laugh about this one now.
My niece bought a designer bag once. My mum decided she had to have one. My niece, around the same time, also went through a phase of wearing hairbands to stop her hair from going into her eyes.....you can see where this is going, can't you?

So having agreed to meet mum and niece at the train station to go shopping one time, I nearly died laughing to find them both with a designer bag and hairband in. My niece looked suitably embarrassed, being in her 20's, stood next to granny, in her 70's, not only with designer bag and hairband in (!), but she was also chewing gum. Phaahahahaha

Bessie123 - .

Yes, definitely a narc trait there, deflecting blame onto other family members. How do they do it, I wonder, without feeling any shame or guilt? It seems to me they don't have the capacity to be responsible for their own 'failings' as human beings , or does that sound daft?

And the wedding day, is always ALWAYS about the mother.

Distance has taught me that it helps

Thanks Crushed. My planned response, if she were awarded the maternity leave, was this: "Sister, if you want to take a sabatical, that is great for you, but you are not spending the bulk of the time here." I was going to redefine the dynamic using the work sabatical since her having maternity leave, not being pregnant herself, was rediculous.

There may have been a time gap between the birth and the arrival of the New Dog. But as each week, month, year passed without her asking to meet her niece, it dawned on me (recently) that she refused to tell me about N Dog because it is a control tactic. I think she blames me for the fact that she hasn't met her niece yet, so the vindictive tit for tat dynamic is that I won't be privledged to know New Dog. She getting the last word-true to form. Aren't I missing out? But it's a dog. With the narrative that way, she avoids taking culpability for her behavior (something she will never do).

Bessie, sorry you have had such a bad experience.

You were labeled difficult and sensitive because you dared to actually be your own person with your own brain and ideas. Narcs zero in on independent individuals within their orbit as prime targets. So yes, distance, and emotional disconnection are the gold standard for protecting yourself, surviving, so you can have a chance to recover.

Does any one else get crap birthday/xmas destroying gifts from their narcs? Despite asking them not to?
My DM seems to see it as some sort of insult that I don't want anything from her. Or a challenge... I don't know. I wish she would just disappear.
It's my birthday next week and she went to all the effort of throwing some naff hair clips and a scarf in to an old shoe box, even left the prices on. It would have been less effort on her part to just hand me the money.
The worst part is that I have to pretend to be thrilled, otherwise she won't babysit for 2 hours out of a whole 365 days so DH and I can go for a (really quick) dinner together.

Thankyou for the responses. This thread is a revelation. Although I don't think my experience is as bad as some. My dm has always been very generous financially and she has a new, lovely husband now, who is keeping her a bit more sane so she is also being more generous emotionally. Better late than never, eh?

It is horrible to read how many people have such similar experiences

Saffron - I too have a "rich seam" of stories about my narc MIL. I started a whole thread about her wrecking photos - many people accused me of being horrible to her. When I was organising my wedding she kept butting in asking, "But when will I be walking down the aisle?" I honestly thought it was a joke and just ignored her, but she kept it up. When I finally gave in and asked her what the fuck she was on about, she explained that she had once been to a wedding in the US at which each groomsman had escorted a woman, including all the bridesmaids and the mothers of both bride and groom, down the aisle before the bride walked in. I had to break it to the old bat poor soul that she would not be walking down the aisle in front of me on MY wedding day!

andthebandplayedon-'avoiding taking culpability for her own behaviour'. You've described the narc trait bang on the nail there

The 'sabatical' idea was a good one if she had succeeded with the mat leave (God forbid), and I bet you're REALLY upset about not meeting the new dog, aren't you? Come on now, admit it

Bessie123 - I'm pleased that your relationship has changed for the better with your mum, extremely heartwarming ending

gail734 you have my sympathies. You can never win with a MIL like that - I know, I've got one! And the weak, enabling FIL to go with it.

Luckily, DH can see them fir exactly what they are

Soundwave84:
Gifts! Oh, God don't get me started! That is why I had to wait to answer. I swear I'll try to be pithy.

It has been my experience, if you ask for something specific, that is the last thing on this planet they will get for you. edit edit edit

I don't know your circumstances, so I'm just guessing here, but: It may just be a point of duty, from her point of view, to hand you something, wraped, iykwim. Which is her checking off her "to do" box and it really doesn't have much to do with you. Ouch, I know.

But once you see this dynamic, it may help you to achieve a sort of emotional disconnection-erasing any importance/expectation you may feel at gift time. With some practice, it may develop into a "so what" event...as in she gave you hair clips and a scarf: well, that was nice (be kind) -count to ten- now it is history and you don't need to think about it anymore (unless you wish to pop out a thank you note with standard two lines that would cover any gift.)

I can guess that your hair is cut in a short bob and you've never worn a scarf in your life?

oops another long post!

Crushedintherush, thank you for your supporting validations. It just helps so much to know that other folks "get it".

Sister "apologized" twice in this five year period. The first, after a couple of years, was written and went something like this:
"I am sorry that you are offended. I am trying to figure out what it is that I have done though. Really, I am scratching my head trying to figure this out." I ignored it. Classic-blaming me for being offended.

She invited herself to Older Sister's for Christmas (she just wanted to be with family) and tried to play the pity card over the dynamic with me. OSis wasn't having it and told her to take culpability for her actions. Sister said she had been agonizing over writing me a letter. For my bd in Jan I got a card with DVD copies of our childhood home-movies (she said she would send more DVDs as they were done). My counsellor said that was a "look what I did" and "we can go back to being happy like children" manipulation.

She wrote in the bd card: "Can we get past this? I truly apologize for whatever I said or did." That was it. She agonized over that? I sent the DVDs and the card back to her and wrote that I was not interested in the DVDs. (I don't do well with the past .) I also said that her apology for "whatever" was an exercise in dismissiveness, so that would be a "no". It felt bitchy to do that. But in her black and white world, I'm either a bitch or doormat. The doormat is 5 decades worn out so I'm a bitch. Her way or the highway.

I like dogs, I really do. But somehow I am missing feeling the deprivation here. It's a dog. My counsellor: "She is a piece of work, isn't she?"

Epic posting...
Soundwave84- I hope you have a very Happy Birthday next week. Are you doing something special for yourself?

"Piece of work" is a great expression for all the people described on this thread.

I was thinking about this and I think it is the mix of neediness and entitlement that does my head in. And the feeling that whatever you do you are following a script in someone else's drama.

My cousin is unable to give a present without an aside along the lines of "Of course this cost me a fortune". Even if it is obviously something tatty from the bottom of her present cupboard. If you meet her for a meal she will tell others "I took saffron out for lunch- she just can't afford to go anywhere decent." DH and I met her once in another city and I heard her telling someone else "I flew them in for my birthday." Not true; we paid for our own tickets.

One that's sorta funny (I guess?)

My ex was obsessed with my hair. I will admit, it's my best feature. I've always kept it long and like to play with intricate braids etc. When we were dating each weekend he'd visit, he would make me brush my hair out so he could make sure I hadn't cut it without his permission. He'd hold the end locks between his fingers like a hairdresser looking for differences in length....

After I had a c-section, h came to see me and slept in the hospital bed while I sat in the hospital chair next to the baby's bassinet thing. The lovely midwife was horrified and spoke to me afterwards about domestic abuse. It went mostly over my head but her words ring in my ears now.
He would also eat my lunch etc while visiting me. It took my 10 years before I finally realised, but only just getting on top of everything, even though I have 'known' for some time and have read the Lundy book continuously for the past two years.
At the moment, he is busy trying to pull me back in and it is hard trying to be detached while pretending that it is working.....shit isn't it? I just have nowhere to go.

After an horrendous childhood and issues continuing into adulthood, I cut contact with my father.

My DH took it upon himself to write to my father to try and prevail up on his sense of decency. In his email he pointed out a large number of home truths, mostly relating to the fact that my father is a terrible father and even worse grandfather.

My father's reply to my DH..... wait for it....

I love you.

Nothing else. Just those three words. The man is totally delusional.

Well, I love a narc and will always love her - my daughter. I can't be as black and white about it as I was with her father. I have to understand it a bit more than I did with him. I can't despise her to protect myself. Though I do keep my distance. YOu have to with a narc.

My mother, drunk, at my late and beloved DFIL's house the night before DFIL's funeral in front of a room full of family: "your DH will probably leave you now, people reassess their lives after a death". DH and I are happily married and close to each other.

Same night, to the room, while snuggled up to her ex-BIL with my auntie sitting on his other side "Bum doesn't allow her DH to have friends, it is a shame". This is completely and utterly untrue. We have an active social life with mainly his friends. DH meets his pals routinely after work at the pub on a Friday. In reality she didn't allow her exH to have a life, at all. He got £20 a week pocket money when he commuted to London, lest he spend his money on prostitutes.

Once when I'd left after a family pub lunch with kids and my elderly gran. The rest of the family had stayed on for an extra hour or so. Mother started on DH saying I was divorcing him for being grumpy. He is neither grumpy well as much as the next person nor do I ever discuss any aspect of our relationship with her.

She told DH that he'd made my DBro suicidal. Again shit on a stick. My DH and DB are the best of pals.

I won't even start on the crap she spouts to my lovely and pregnant SIL.

The other thing she does regularly is say her usually shite opinion to someone, normally being outrageously intrusive and say it is my/my DH's/Another innocent party's opinion also to back herself up.

Now that post was much shorter than I imagined my first "my narc mother" post to be

Funerals seem to be wonderful social events for them.

My darling GF's funeral. Mother introducing some distant rellys around.

"This is my DS, he goes to Public School X and is doing brilliantly well, doing X.Y&Z"
"This is my DNiece, isn't she beautiful and wonderful"
"Oh, and that is Chaos. She's never really made much of herself, can't seem to be able to keep a man, shall we go and get a drink?"

At the time, I was looking after my DS1 alone and putting myself through uni. I wonder why I married the first abusive twunt that asked me after that?

captchaos, congrats for getting through uni with a little un. Must have been tough at times. That takes guts and strength

bumbiscuits, they are such liars, aren't they? You don't have to justify how your life really is to us, we know how these narcs work, they are delusional

Its what they choose to see in their own minds.

BUT ... you have qualities they haven't got. Strength, courage, truthfulness, and a capacity to love.

I hope you draw comfort from this post, you are not alone, remember that

X - this was a loooong time ago - I suffered from a major depressive episode (for which I subsequently sorted out treatment), weeping on the kitchen floor, on the phone to the Samaritans..... His contribution was " Well, how do you think this makes ME feel, that you are in such a mess?!"

Twunt

God, I do not miss the weasly little fuckferret

I'm quite slim, but for a period just before I was with ex I gained a bit of weight (not ridiculous, about five kgs) due to illness. Once he looked at a picture of me and said 'if you looked like this, I would be so proud to show you off to my friends.'

Are you ok knackered knitter? Your post was very sad