Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Nothings - thats good - it is so cathartic to post on this thread

Well I took a new step today thanks to this thread. I thought I'd try to explain to dh about my mum who he knows is difficult. I thought I could show him this thread if he wanted to know what it's all about.

His response when I told him she had NPD was to say he'd worked on cases with people with it in the past and had my mother pegged in the first three months of meeting her.

He's never, ever discussed this with me. I don't know what to make of it though.

TheOne - maybe your dh didn't want to cause trouble between you and your mum. If it wasn't for what I'd read on mumsnet I wouldn't of had a clue about npd, as I've said before - I thought my narc was depressed (when she was just too fucking up herself to talk to anyone)

Some more gems from MiL. To 2 year old dear nephew (her grandson) as SiL and BiL prepared to go out leaving him in her care. "Mummy and Daddy are so busy and go out all the time don't they- but I'm here for you."

Another one "The reason to have children is to grow your own friends." Hmmm. The family mythology about why she has no friends is that she moved to this city at 30 and all friendship groups are established and impenetrable by then. I have gently pointed out to DH that I moved here at age 35 and have lots of friends...

It's possible dothraki. He did say he thought I handled her well.

TheOne, I almost did a happy dance around the kitchen when I read what your husband said! What a relief for you! I should think he kept quiet to spare your feelings - clinical NPD is a really heavy psychiatric condition with no hope of repair (only management if the patient bothers to seek & engage with treatment, which most don't.) Not many decent people would tell their partners their parent had an incurable mental illness ...

... mental disorder, sorry.

My nans attitude towards my mum means she now has the enabler attitude to anyone.

Best example is probably her second marriage. She'd seen her perfect dress but couldn't get it. Her friend had offered to make it for her in a similar fabric and style. We visited a tiny bridal shop, mentioned the dress and the lady said she would be able to get it for mum in time for the wedding. My mum's response? "Oh, but X said she'd make it for me. I don't want to let her down".
I got cross and put my foot down. No way was she giving up her dream dress to make her friend feel better. Her friend was lovely and totally understood!

building that would be great, thanks.

I'm gutted he has turned out to be a no go. I was finding it really helpful.

I'm almost tempted to sweep the major inadequacy under the carpet and carry on but that would be in keeping with the rest of my relationships.

waves to everyone.

HopeYou'reHavingANarcFreeDayTiggaxx

Nothing Have sent you a PM. Mine was a clinical psychologist. I think they are very well trained in general. I also think family dynamic therapists probably have a lot to offer, although I've never seen one myself. (Not saying they are imaginary ) They must see this 'black sheep/golden child' thing relatively often, for instance.

Not having a narc free day, Tigga, but am proud of how I have handled this - my dad and third wife are coming over in a few weeks and I just sent him details of a local B&B and he booked it! All much easier if they aren't actually under the same roof. Now for their actual visit I just have to perfect my 'penguins from the film Madagascar' approach: 'wave and smile, boys, wave and smile.'

Can I also just say that I am still haunted and horrified by some of the stories on this thread. I can't name all of you who have really touched my heart as having had just the most awful, abusive, terrible parents. I just want to turn back time and take you away from it all and put you in a loving family. for all of you.

BAPS website has a list of registered psychotherapists & counsellors by area & is easy to use.

I found this on reddit

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/197pdh/tell_us_your_jawdroppers_the_stuff_so_bad_its

Some classics on there. Good subreddit too.

Good morning .

buildingmycorestrength-for giving your dad and wife details of a local B&B, did you feel proud of yourself after doing it? I know I would have done if it was me. Fantastic

For all the narcs in the world, and it seems like there are a lot of them, at least there are normal, loving people like us to balance it out

Might check out that reddit site later. Happy Easter everybody.

saffron-interesting one about your mum having no friends. Mine didn't/doesn't have any friends either.

As the years have gone by, mum and dad stopped going out socially, bit by bit. But even when they did socialise, mum would gossip about other people. The trouble was, dad (enabler) gossiped along with her, then she had a go at him for, er, gossiping. He is a scapegoat, everything always his fault, yet instigated by her.

They only go out to do some shopping, and my dad is referred to by mum as 'my only friend, my companion'. I don't think he has much choice to be.

.....and just one more thing: did anybody's narcs ever say 'don't trust anybody' to them?

That was another of mums mantras.

I wonder if it explains the reason why mum has no friends. She doesn't trust anybody enough to form a friendship. She never trusted us, her own family. I find it hard to trust people sometimes. I wonder why.

.....and the person I trust least of all, is, yes you've guessed it, my mum.

Thats all now, I promise. Don't want to hog

crushed Morning! You are funny with your four posts in a row.

Yes, it was the B&b I meant I was proud of...I presented it almost as a fait accomplish because I know my dad actually responds quite well to just being told what to do and having firm boundaries. I don't think he is used to it, but I think he is okay with it. I don't give be him too many choices any more. It is the only way to handle him...I sort of think of him as a toddler.

I don't think this approach would work with some of the other fruitcakes talked about on here, who I can imagine are desperate to pick a fight about anything their children try to do. Like toddlers in a different way.

I'm wondering about starting a thread on parenting resources for people like us. Someone mentioned it up thread. Would anyone find that helpful?

...oops, I 'm here again

building, maybe thats what they all need, a short sharp assertive decision/answer, like you did with the B&B . The firm boundaries that have been missing (as in most narcs families, I've discovered) are whats needed. Kind of giving them something they should have given us.

I hope you, and other posters on here, feel empowered by the fact we're not alone, and we're normal

Sloping off now to hunt for an Easter egg....

....and I like the toddler bit too

Crushed - you have my permission to post as much as you want
I think with the bank holiday some people will be feeling sick and obliged to visit their narcs.
Well don't - give yourselves a break
Happy Easter [little bunny]

First post using the Android app! Fingers crossed it works.

That Reddit looks interesting, will have a look later; thanks for the link.

crushed your poor Dad...well, I say that but he's a adult and has gone along with it.

I think that a narc-y people do set you up to be an enabler.

I've often wondered if my sm was one, but I don't know how you tell.

Building that thread sounds like a really good idea.

And well done with the b&b thing. I think the ever thorny issue of boundaries is probably the toughest nut to crack (apols for speaking in a cliche, couldn't think of a better way to phrase it).

My mother is the opposite. She likes to 'collect' people. Quite sycophantic people who like to wax lyrical about how wonderful she is. Then I have to smile and nod as it's not worth telling them, in front of her, how she really is.

She's away this weekend so the dcs efforts at card making and Easter nests will not be rejected. It's a relief actually.

fliipin no one is expecting high prose here . And they are NUTS after all..see what I did there?

I realised it made me feel soooo much more in control to decide beforehand what I will and won't do.

On Saturday we are eating x. On Sunday we are going to y nice place. In the evening we are watching television, choice of a or b.

If he starts banging on about his job, I will smile and be polite. No problem , just boring monologue.

If he starts banging on about his rightwing neo con bigoted politics, I will change the subject and if necessary say I don't want to talk about it. Firmly.

If he starts telling the children not to cry when they are upset, I will take them into an different room and if necessary tell him to leave them alone stupid man.

Etc. It is horrible to have to be so strategic about it, it feels cold to have to just manage him, but it makes life a lot better for us all and the alternative is so much worse.

Sorry if this is dull, not even slightly in keeping with herrena's original brilliant theme.