Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

Is the exam thing part of the Narc script?

I once got 100% in a maths exam, it was 20 years later when I found out though, my dad had kept all the school reports. I remember the year when I sat those exams, i got the bollocking of my life because I only got 80% in geography, there was no mention of 100%. The previous year I got 98% in maths, the only reason I knew this was because at school, the day after the parents got the results, we had to redo what we had done wrong, I answered 2 questions.

I don't remember my father being proud of any of my achievements, he either ignored them like above or took my achievement for himself. It was because of him that i gained my qualifications, the way he spoke you would think he did the revision and sat the exam.

Binky how are you today?

Yes, I think exams a tangible, quantifiable way of the child never being "good enough". I also think they find it threatening when you do do well, so they ignore or dismiss those results.

I'm sure, in retrospect, that my dad was massively threatened by the university I went to, which led to all kinds of dysfunctional behaviours including the moving overseas with no warning and not wanting to see me graduate.

OMG and yyy to taking the achievement for themselves! I knew that he was only 'proud' of me because of what he could tell people.

I hit my Mum back too. I got married young wonder why aged 19. About two weeks before the wedding she hit me in face in the kitchen over some ridiculously minor thing, can't even remember what, my Dad and my fiancee were sitting in the next room watching tv together and I suddenly thought "I am getting married in two weeks, how DARE you?!". And I grabbed her and threw her back across the kitchen, she came at me again and I did it again and she fell down. I was quite calm actually and I kept repeating "I am 19 years old, I am getting married in two weeks, you are not going to hit me again". I think if I hadn't done that she'd still be hitting me now. I am glad I did it too.

building I have no idea how I am, i think if I ask myself that question I might just crumble, so I'm ignoring it and distracting myself, but lonely keeps popping up in my head.

Dad (i hate using that word, to me he isn't, he hasn't earned that title) was threatened because he felt stupid, success for others meant failure to him, it pointed out his inadequecies, ignoring or taking the achievement for himself, kept him in the place he felt he should be.

I do remember fondly one of the few times I fought back. He, yet again, was trying to make sure I knew my place, he was insulting my intelligence and appearance, I got up to leave, he shot up from the sofa to smack me one, the dog, who had also been told life revolved around the lord and master, shot up from his hiding place and took a chunk out of dads leg. I by this time had shot out of the house. it was only when I returned home and saw the dog locked in the coal shed, for his safety (my dad would have killed him) was I told by my mother, smirking whilst she told me, that the dog had bitten him. The dog was left alone after that and Dad behaved himself in front of the dog.

My mother thankfully began to make plans to leave after that incident, she understood then that Dad had overstepped the line she had drawn.

Fabulous dog .

Just remembered a peach - My Mum often told me from an early age that the reason her teeth were bad was because I stole all her calcium when I was in the womb.

From my mother - 'You really are getting fat, would you like a doughnut?'

'Your house is so messy, I don't know how you can bear to live like this. You really should be resting TS, it's not good for you to be doing things so soon after a seizure'.

I have epilepsy and DM ostensibly comes over to mind the children while I sleep off a seizure so DH can go to work (he takes elder DC to school then drives to DM's to bring her here). In reality she moans about the state of the house while I do housework & then she faffs about doing unnecessary things that don't help but never finishes so I have to sort out later. She won't just play with her DGD even when they ask as 'she has other things to do' (usually something like hanging up vests on clothes hangers & folding up dresses into piles so that I sort it out when she's gone home).

I got told off yesterday for not posting my brother a birthday card, I have really bad PND, DD4 is in the midst of severe reflux/allergies/not sleeping, DD2 is starting to be assessed for ASD/depression/emotional problems as well as being on strong painkillers for HMS (she's 5y ), I'm having issues with DD3's playschool re. her eczema & I'm struggling to keep on top of the washing/dishes/regular housework let alone do things like write my brother birthday cards & deep clean the house (I actually went out & bought a card, I just couldn't find the words to write in it nor could I remember his address [brain is fried atm]).

But I'm ungrateful.

My mother always used to just randomly say to me 'you're so weird' when I did things that were normal or that she didn't agree with.

I also got 'smacked' until I left home at the age of 21; shortly before I left home my father threw me across the kitchen floor as I was 'rude'. I hadn't been rude, merely disagreed with him.....

I think exams are definitely in the script. I got my GCE results - nothing too impressive, 2As, 4Bs, 1C. Go on, guess what my mother said!!

I knew that (s)he was only 'proud' of me because of what he could tell people.

SNAP!

My lightbulb moment was when, after years of being called fat and useless by my M even though she insisted on me eating the treats she bought I went on a mega diet and lost loads of weight. She suddenly really liked me and was proud of me, because people complimented me on my looks. I was 16.5 and after I'd lapped up the attention for a bit, I realised what was going on. Never could respect her after that. 'Parents love you unconditionally' my arse!!

crushed think she was like all bullies - fight back, and they crumple. Yes, she did go back to being a narc.

After we cut contact - moved out, no forwarding address (except she got it from a replacement postman) ex-d phone no, we had 4 years of anonymous letters. We moved again, and the first weekend got a letter from somone offering to bring her over for afternoon-tea as she was upset because I wouldn't speak. I rang and put her straight about 'd'm's paedophile tendancies, with the punchline 'paedphiles are so very plausible, aren't they?'

Bugger me, if I didn't get another letter 2 days later apologising for bothering me

In 2000 we got another letter - at our new address, heaven knows how she got that one, addressed to us both, but inside 'dear tb and tb's df' about bygone's being bygone's now that it was a new millenium. Think it was demanding an apology rather than asking for one. She'd become friends with the deputy head of my old school after meeting at a French class, and I got a lovely parcel of baby things when I was about to have amnio while expecting dd. All completely anonymous, of course.

Unfortunately, someone fairly senior in hr at work had gone to the same school and possibly had passed on the fact that I was expecting. She did tell me it was very awkward not knowing how much she could say to dm. When she knew I'd been abused her response was "there always was something different about you, tb". The same school prides itself on its pastoral care and had refused a mention of the fact I was abused by the owner of a sweetshop less than 3 miles away - I bet I'm not the only victim from school. Will they publish anything in the newsletter?

No, they won't - it's not the sort of thing they want to get involved with. They don't want the name of the charitable trust that runs the school sullied by the fact that a former old girl was sexually abused as a child. Given that there were 800 girls at school, it's likely that between 200 and 300 were abused.

truth that is really strange doublethink right in the same breath. Astonishing.

Herrena I know what you mean. My dad gave a speech at my wedding which was ALL about my academic achievements. Nothing about the real me, or my new husband! I was mortified and it wasn't false modesty or trying to downplay anything. It was because I knew what it was really going on behind those words.

Do you know, I never realised that my mother possessed any of these qualities until reading this post. But a couple have sprung to mind:

When I was 17, pregnant but after termination, my mother told the whole family what I had done, cue two of my sisters (who I didn't get on with) coming down from London to 'console' me. Let me tell you, they never let that one lie and one of them still doesn't speak to me.

When I was pregnant with my now almost 3-year-old 'Well, don't expect me to babysit'.

I have four children now and none of them are particularly close to my mother but adore my father (doesn't take a rocket scientist....)

Yes yes I know you re upset because you re 13 and in a psychiatric unit all alone and you re sobbing on the phone (or words to that effect) but its not just you its been awful for me as well you know.
I cant sleep Im so anxious Ive had to have tablets from the doctor.

Bitch. Ive never forgiven my mother for that one.

You know if she read the above she wouldnt even realize it was about her and if she did she would deny it.

I've got thousands from my DM but I won't bore you with them all

She is a very well-spoken, beautiful, articulate woman, with the uncanny ability to tell outrageous untruths with not a hint of embarrassment.

'I'd fight like a tiger for my children' which was said to all and sundry while I was growing up, while all the time leaving her children with their violent, alcoholic father so she could continue her myriad extra-marital relationships.

On being confronted by her DD (me aged around 10) and shown the awful bruising caused by the same father, who was throwing punches which were meant for DM but of course she hid behind her children yet again - 'But it is illegal to hit your wife, not your children, so he is allowed to hit you. And anyway, it doesn't hurt you like it hurts me.'

That was her mantra, actually, when shown evidence that he had hurt the children 'It isn't so painful for you as it would be for me'.

When I took a serious overdose in my early teens, after charming the doctor with her wobbly lip and obvious motherly care and concern, she hissed in my ear as we went down the corridor 'You couldn't even get that right!' And pinched my arm, just so I'd know how annoyed she was with me.

She would also never recognise herself on here - she was a wonderful, loving mother and she would fight like a tiger for her children...

I was so bullied by my 'd'm when I was 16 that, one morning, just before my 'O' levels, I took about 25 paracetamol tablets. It's the only day I've ever felt free.

I'll never forget her honeyed tones on the phone "I'm sorry tb can't come to her organ lesson tonight, she's not very well. It must have been something she ate at school today".

She knew, but didn't get me any medical attention. Just as well, the GP was a bigotted narc who believed every lie she told about my df and about me. He didn't believe abuse exists - told me very patronisingly that 'there is such a thing as false memory, dear'. Funnily enough, he was a convert to the RC church from the CofE - probably was on the side of the Christian Brothers.

Mother dear was probably giving him blowjobs under the desk a la Lewinsky. She used to have a rather 'active' social life.

Oh, I took a second overdose in my mid-teens and my DM found me. She left me in bed for a week with no medical attention (because someone might ask questions) and told anyone who asked that I was having a hysterical 'turn' and being a drama queen. I mean, who goes to bed with hysterics for a week??

She was so plausable, that the headteacher suspended me from school for playing my poor mother up. The mind boggles.

She did me a favour really because it was a turning point in our relationship. I realised that, despite my childish hopes that she might love me deep down, she was never, ever going to care about me. She would have been perfectly content with having a deceased daughter, because she would have had all the attention and pity she craved.

Laura Coffee tb :( :( :( :(
for all of us on this thread

Thanks athriticfingers -have a big hug back. Sod Bear Grylls - we are all survival experts on this thread

I have a more recent one. When she popped in for a few minutes to visit my youngest child several days after I came home from hospital, afterwards I had phone calls from all the family asking if I was ok?

She had regaled them all with a story about how I had shouted at her and how she felt I was obviously suffering from PND and so she had decided to keep away from me for a while until I was better.

DH, who had been in the room with us during my mother's flying visit, was utterly bewildered as all he could remember was me offering her coffee and cake and a hold of the baby - no shouting involved

And true to her word, she actually stayed away for about six months, bless her! I bet she thought I was devastated

That is the thing
All these outlandishly fruitcake things they say - and we actually sit and try to work out if/what we must have done!
We even fall for their screwed up logic.
If you had been suffering from PND, any mother worth her salt would have stayed and rallyed others to your support.
What they say does not work any which way (except in their heads?)
Thanks for hug :)

I have to say, I am really detached from her and that works for me. She is still in my life but I don't let her have any power at all. Luckily, she doesn't swamp us as she is actually not really interested in us except in the most shallow way. I accept that she can't help the way she is and laugh at her monsterousness (a new word!)

It is quite sad though, that she will go all through her life without feeling real love for anyone. It does teach me though, how to be good parent - I just think what she would do and do the complete opposite

I remember being punched by my Dad once for sticking two fingers up at my sister. My Mum had caught me and told me to go and tell my Dad what I'd done.

I think a lot of posters would have read about what she did when I lost my fiance and then what else she did when I had DD.

She is now terminally ill. She has cirrhosis. We all run around after her. None of us want to and that feels quite bad....

She doesnt bother me that much now. Im not a child so I dont "depend" on her or require her support. Which pisses her off no end. Shes a nut job and I have been known to tell her so.

I dont think she is a full blown narc like some of the people on here but she certainly was a self centered melodramatic cow with many narc traits IYSWIM.
I like her a lot more now I dont see her often. I also dont tolerate her hysterics or tantrums.

Although she still thrives on illness. Telling me shes been up the hospital all night with x relative and how its worrying her no end blah blah. Making her ill herself and so on. She wants the acknowledgement that shes the perfect sister/mother/friend . She doesnt get it from me.

My poor dad had cancer and all I heard was "Oh my god how will i cope ? I cant live without your dad" I have to admit to being very cold and telling her to pull herself together and stop being dramatic as it wasnt her that was ill and she was just going to have to deal with it and be supportive like everyone else.

Shockingly she did seem to take it on board but then I live 200 miles away so maybe she was electing sympathy from others as she knew shed get very little from me.