Regale me with hilarious/ridiculous things that a narcissist or enabler has said to you....

[Herrena]

I'll go first.

My DF acts as enabler for my narcissist M, although I doubt he's fully aware of this. We were discussing her and my god-awful childhood yesterday over skype when he dropped in this little gem:

'Well, you were so quiet. You didn't really defend yourself properly.'

What the actual fuck?!

I didn't really process the remark at the time but now I'm bloody fuming.

Go on, tell me yours. Let's laugh at the bastards and then maybe I won't spend the next week dwelling on my wrath

My ex called me 'the enemy within' and told me that my friends were not true friends as they didn't 'tell me about myself' and that he was doing it for my own good to enable me to become a better person!

He also told me in social situations I needed to realise that the way I behaved 'reflected on him' . This included how much I drank, how 'friendly' I was when talking to other men and even my topics of conversation.

When I tragically lost one of my children 30 weeks into the pregnancy, I rang DM to let her know that my baby had died and I was going into the hospital to be induced. She cried for half an hour solid on the phone, while I sat there, dry-eyed, comforting her because she loves her 'grandchildren so much, I can't cope with this'. Eventually, DH took the phone away and briskly said goodbye from us.

I didn't hear from her until after the funeral, when I rang to tell her how it went as DH thought she ought to have her conscience pricked a little, and she said that it sounded very sad, but never mind, she had been to Bluewater that day and guess what? She had found the perfect dress for her holiday...

You have to laugh...

An ex-friend, I'm sure, is a narc.
She's also a massive twat.

There's so many things I could list here, but I can feel my heart racing already.

When DS was around 16 months old an old lady (we found out later through police and Social Services that she was totally alone in the world and quite far on with dementia) lashed out at him in his pram with a carrier bag containing a bottle of some kind.
Apparently, this was my fault, as I walk in such an aggressive manner, so I most likely scared her.

She also used to come out with appalling statements, seemingly out of nowhere. The one I remember best is that I look like Albert Steptoe.
I don't, btw......I'm too dark, greasy and olive, although on the upside I do have cheekbones like flying buttresses.

If you're reading this, you egregious cow, can you stop making silly sotto voce comments every time I have to walk past your considerable bulk?
And maybe just fuck off while you're at it?

I still think we get sucked in, though.
I mean, why mino would you even think you needed to reassure us that you did not look like Albert Steptoe

God - I'm still shaking with anger here.

Has anyone else had a racing heart and clenched jaw when writing these accounts? These people are like a virus, or a poison that never leaves your psyche. Just thinking about them is like a flare-up of some horrible condition.

I wish they'd all shit off.

I think my mother might be a bit narcy, and my sister is deffo an enabler.

Ha, arthritic - mentioning that I'm dark, greasy and olive was another fave way of hers to deliver backhanded compliments.....

It was such a shocking thing to say, though, and I still, somewhere, worry that maybe I do resemble him.

Harrrroooolllld.......

I do have amazing cheekbones, though.....

She also used to go ON AND ON about how my eyes are sludgey boring brown. She'd bring it up out of nowhere and often in front of people. If I ignored it, I was admitting they were boring brown. If I challenged it, I was over-invested in the colour of my eyes and trying to pretend I was some Pre-Raphaelite bird.
When DS asked me why my eyes were green one day, I felt a weight lift...I almost believed myself they were brown, but I knew they were green (IYSWIM).

Not that there's owt wrong with brown eyes, of course. But I know mine are green, so why did this utterly bizarre issue develop?
Bonkers.

Same with my nasal voice. She went through a phase of going on and on about that too. And I mean on and on......to the point at which I was lying about sore throats to get out of work-related conference calls.

I don't have a nasal voice. It's actually unusually harsh and deep.

Mental.

It is your fault that I have chosen not to see DS anymore because you moaned at me for not getting his birthday card to him time and you have to live with that for the rest of your life..................

He hasn't seen him since by the way and that was in November. Twat!

gosh, so many stories here are shocking and sad. So impressed with everyone here for seeing these people for what they were and coming through it - more power to you.

So on a lighter note, weird weird weird about the eye colour thing mino - I got that too! For more than 30 years I thought I had grey eyes (nothing wrong with that either) until I wore a dark blue dress to work and discovered, thanks to normal colleague commenting, they are denim-blue, a bit grey but mostly darkish blue. But they were the beautiful light-blue-eyed family and I was (shit you not, in her words) "the changeling" so obviously my eyes had to be slighty different wrong.

Mental, exactly.

I used to go to the same haidressers as my mum, but grew unhappy with the cut. I decided to try another hairdressers and mistakenly mentioned it to my mum.

A few weeks later, she told me: 'oooh I've done you a massive favour, I told the hairdresser the reason why you don't go there anymore, is because your friends persuaded you to go to another one because you don't know your own mind'.

mino, yes, clenched jaw and racing heart, coupled with anger and despair
Followed by relief and validation
And yy to the the virus. Viruses spread unfortunately.

crushed

My mum twists things and regularly gaslights my Dad. He has said in complete relief to me before that he is glad when I pull her up on stuff because he starts to think he is going mad.
According to her, he is starting to lose his marbles and forgets things.

I can't think of any humorous (sp?) things she has said. Though I did once get the "apology" I'm sorry if what I said hurt you, but it's just the way I feel.

She has also told me that having kids was the worst thing she ever did, and that I shouldn't have had any as I would be wasting my life.

My soon to be ExH said to me:

"you being so nice and taking care of me so well for all those years made me resent you. So it's YOUR FAULT that I did what I did (had an emotional affair and joined a no-strings attached website)"

"I crashed my car but its YOUR FAULT because you could have offered to drive me and then it wouldn't have happened"

Are you sensing a pattern here?

I'm sure I'm not alone, but every thread I read, I find I remember something else she did.

The exam ones, yy to them. I was good at English, mum and dad wasn't, so they used to make me write letters for them to send to various places, can't remember what now.

But when I turned 16, they made me leave school at Easter instead of taking my GCSE's because I 'wouldn't be able to cope with the exams.' I spent quite a few years in dead end jobs because of that.

Many years later, with the support of my dh, I went to evening classes and got amongst other things, a grade A in English. When this happened, she said 'you know, you should have done your exams at school'.

She whispered she was proud of me. I asked her to repeat it because I couldn't hear her. She said 'I'm not shouting it, everybody will hear me'.

banjo, I used to think I was going mad, doubting myself that I was normal, when she used to gaslight me. My dad is answering her back these days, not as much as an enabler anymore. Doesn't stop her, though.

And why do they have to have what you, or other family members have?

I mentioned to her before xmas I was doing our bedroom up and buying new wardrobes. Guess what she is doing? Must think of something else to tell her I'm buying to see if she'll do the same again.....(slinks off, racking brains)...

I remember sayin to my dad that my mum would never be proud of me or pleased for me, and he replied, "she tells everyone else how proud she is, it's just the way she is, she can't say it to you." I am very aware of telling DS how proud of him I am and pointing out his good traits and forever telling him I love him - my parents just didn't say it.

She used to 'play' with us, giving us Chinese rope burns when we were young. She denies this now.

She sla

Sorry

She slapped me and told me off for being 'hysterical' when I tried to talk to her and said I couldn't cope with baby DS/full time uni/working.

She told me that me being a single mum at 17, at uni, working, was no different to her being a married mum at 23, SAHM while her husband supported her. Heyho.

And, un-MN hugs for all here. Rubbish people!

yes bertie I see the pattern.,..never THEIR fault is it?.

Thats why, I think, we carry guilt throughout our lives due to the fact it was always 'our fault'. We get conditioned to believe it.

I remember saying sorry for something once, and someone asked why the hell was I apologising when x y and z wasn't my fault?

My particular narc placed a ridiculous amount of importance on looks and bodies. She's always been overweight, and now, after a lifetime of binge eating and a dreadful relationship with food, looks like a walking heart attack.
The last time I let her into my home, she spent the entire time talking over the Abba Gold DVD the kids were watching.....berating Agneths for wearing a catsuit......
Everyone she came across and their looks and/or class would be dissected and analysed. They'd then be pigeonholed and forever treated as she saw fit.

Also apologise for everything, my mum also judges by weight. Only valuable to her if you're slim. Run up to wedding is a nightmare, even for my golden sisters.

God but these people are tossers.

I am really amazed that they make a big deal out of your IMAGINARY physical features.

That is truly, truly bizarre.

I cannot imagine treating my own children like this, really. God, maybe I do and I don't even know it!

building-I bet you're a wonderful mum

I never had any children after years of trying, decided to give up on IVF as I didn't want to go through any more stress.

Part of me was sad, but also relieved. maybe I didn't want children subconsciously, but I used to worry I 'd never be 100% with my children in case mums bad traits were ingrained in me.