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Original poster

Advice pleeeease

51 replies

Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 09:59

My DP due to move into my house in not too distant future, been together a few years.

He is planning to sign over his house to wife as they have kids. All well and good but he is totally broke and he has no intention of asking her to buy him out, or indeed give him anything. Maybe it's not my business or maybe as we will be living together it is my business a bit.

It's like he keeps that side of his life separate from us. Maybe this is normal I don't know, haven't been in this situation before. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 14/03/2013 10:03

I don't know if it's normal (DH was divorced with DCs when we met, but no mortgage or assets or anything so no issue of how to divide nothing, IYSWIM)

But I wonder if he were single - ie you were not around to house him - would he still happily he giving his half of the house to her for free? Do you feel he is taking advantage of the fact that you have a house already?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 10:08

Yes I do worry he might be taking advantage and I don't want to be taken for an fool. He knows I will be paying the mortgage as I want to keep it in my name.

If I mention about his house he gets annoyed and says he's giving it to her for the kids sake and she can't afford to buy him out. Am I being awful for even questioning this when there are kids involved?

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 14/03/2013 10:17

Does he maybe feel he doesn't have much choice in the matter, and that's why he doesn't really want to talk about it / gets upset about it?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 10:23

Yes you could be right there Jammy, I think that's how he feels.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 10:26

I think setting the financial arrangements is very high on the list before you move in with anyone. If you're planning to keep it as your house and your mortgage (very wise incidentally) that doesn't mean he shouldn't contribute a fair and equal amount to the household budget. Do not move a 'totally broke' man in that intends to contribute nothing. Why he's broke is not really relevant.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 10:26

I do wonder though as she earns more than he does, has done no end to the house since he left and bought new furniture ect. It does seem a bit unfair but on the other hand I'm aware I can't cause trouble because of the kids. They are keeping everything very civil and I can't upset that

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 10:27

You may not feel you can cause trouble because of the kids but, equally, he cannot reasonably expect you to pick up the tab for everything. That's the important part. How he finds the money is not your business.... he just has to contribute.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 10:28

He will be contributing to bills food ect and is working hard for promotion

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 10:36

Good news on the bills and food but accommodation is not free. He must be living somewhere now that he pays rent or a mortgage for. Or is he literally only just leaving the family home and scooting straight into yours?

Whatever you agree to, make sure you don't sell yourself short just because you don't feel you can challenge his spending decisions elsewhere. Start as you mean to go on and be clear about what you expect, or every time his ex or the DCs need something extra you risk him asking can you let him of his share.... and you won't feel able to say no.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 10:56

I don't want him paying towards the mortgage as I don't want the risk of future claim if we should split. I have to be realistic even though I hope it wouldn't come to that you never know for sure.

He's been renting a room for a long time so not straight from marital home

OP posts:
botandhothered · 14/03/2013 11:17

I have had this problem in the past, as I've always owned my own home. One partner moved in and paid half of household costs including half the mortgage. Approx 300 a month total. 3 yrs later demanded his half payments back when we split, in fact, wouldn't leave til I paid him off!

A couple of years later second cocklodger moved in, and at this point paid 250 a month in total plus half of food. He moaned constantly about the mortgage payment, feeling he shouldn't have to pay anything, he had previously been paying rent of 500 a month plus all bills and food.

What is considered a reasonable contribution for these men,without them thinking they have some claim in a property that i have owned and paid for all my adult life?

How is it fair that someone can moved into a lovely comfortable home, furnished and set up, and pay nothing apart from half the elctric bill?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 11:26

That's exactly the position I don't want to find myself in because once someone has contributed towards a mortgage I believe they can legally stake a claim if you split

However as you say, is it fair they move in to a fully set up house and contribute only towards the bills? I don't know a way around it though?

Which is why I'm thinking he should maybe consider his wife buying him out and then we could purchase a joint property. There's no chance of that ever happening if he's giving her the entire house

OP posts:
mowzer · 14/03/2013 11:42

'If I mention about his house he gets annoyed' - I think this is very worrying on its own. He should at least discuss this with you properly if you are thinking of living together.

The house may be signed over to his wife because there may not be a lot of equity in it, or she may have contributed more financially... or as it is the family home and the family need it for stability it may have been signed over because the husband is not going to be paying much maintenance if he is low paid. Whatever the situation, he is not discussing it properly with you, maybe because it hurts too much, but it's still not ok. Is he sensitive about money in general?

If he doesn't fully explain the situation and agree to pay you rent (check will CAB or solicitor, I'm sure he would have no claim on your house if he signs a lodger agreement or something) don't let him move in.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 11:50

I think he feels he needs to sign it over for the children's stability and because he can't afford much maintainance, he pays a mutually, verbally agreed sum.

He's quite sensitive about money mainly because he's struggling a bit and is aware I am more comfortable than he is.

I don't like the idea of a partner signing a lodger agreement, it doesn't seem right. Think I would prefer he just contribute to bills and food

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 11:50

"I don't want to find myself in because once someone has contributed towards a mortgage I believe they can legally stake a claim if you split"

They can try but legally they are in no better position than a lodger or tenant paying rent. They're not on the deeds or the mortgage documents and, because you're not married to them there is no 'marital asset' issue to take into account. They're simply giving you a contribution.

If you have concerns, please talk to CAB or a solicitor and get some proper advice before you move this man in. Houses are expensive things, I understand why you're concerened but no, I don't think it's acceptable at all for someone to simply pay for a bit of gas and electric and a few groceries allow their girlfriend to let them live rent-free. Not at all.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 11:52

I'm feeling a bit possessive over my house I think. Perhaps I will just say he needs to pay for a bigger share of the bills and food as I'm paying for the house

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 11:54

"He's quite sensitive about money mainly because he's struggling a bit and is aware I am more comfortable than he is."

I think you're being far to charitable. You seem to feel rather guilty about asking him for money because he's broke and you have more money and he's signing his house over etc but I think, if you don't set things up fairly, you are going to regret it. You're already feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing... possibly even a bit resentful. And that is not a good way to start out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 11:56

"Perhaps I will just say he needs to pay for a bigger share of the bills and food as I'm paying for the house "

Take your total monthly outgoings, set that up against your respective incomes and then make sure everyone is paying something proportionate, there's something put by for emergencies and everyone has similar 'spends' left at the end of the day. If you think he's a pretty permanent fixture rather than a casual fling this is so important to get right before his toothbrush is in your bathroom, I can't tell you.

sweetfluffybunnies · 14/03/2013 11:57

Can you not ask him for rent, just as a lodger would pay? And then he should also pay his share of the bills on top, as he would have to do if he was renting somewhere else.

To be honest, any arrangements he makes with his ex are his business, but you need to make sure he is paying his way as far as you are concerned.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 11:57

No I don't feel guilty asking for a contribution, quite the opposite I don't want to be forking out for everything. But the facts are as they are and he doesn't have much spare money at the moment. He's does have enough to pay bills and food though.

But yes the thing with his house rankles a bit though

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botandhothered · 14/03/2013 11:58

Op, maybe the house isn't in his name at all?
Isn't it a bit odd the his ex started doing the place up as soon as he left? She clearly felt secure enough to spend money on the property, despite a divorce looming.
Maybe its in her name only?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 12:03

When you say 'spare money' ... where does the rest go?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 12:03

I see what your saying COG but its not as easy as that unfortunately. He has far more outgoings than me but we both earn about the same. But after he had paid all his other bills, maintainance, loan, he has little disposable income left.

And if wife goes to CSA in the future hopefully she won't but its always in the background then he's in real trouble

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 12:06

Maintenance fair enough but what are these bills if he's living in your house and why are you expected to subsidise his loan payments?

Having been in a relationship with a man that was lousy with money, never said no to anyone and could run up debts quicker than you can imagine, the 'swing capacity' in our finances was always.... 'could you cover it Cog, I'm a a bit short?'

It's a crappy deal. Don't take him on until he's more financially stable.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 12:13

I can pretty much account for where it all goes and he genuinely doesn't have much left, having said that the plan was to use what he pays on rent now to contribute towards our living expenses.

He hasn't asked me to lend/ give him any money and I have been very careful not to do this , except on one occasion only which he has paid me back for

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