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Original poster

Advice pleeeease

51 replies

Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 09:59

My DP due to move into my house in not too distant future, been together a few years.

He is planning to sign over his house to wife as they have kids. All well and good but he is totally broke and he has no intention of asking her to buy him out, or indeed give him anything. Maybe it's not my business or maybe as we will be living together it is my business a bit.

It's like he keeps that side of his life separate from us. Maybe this is normal I don't know, haven't been in this situation before. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 12:15

As in bills I meant petrol, car insurance, a loan which should be paid off by end of year

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 12:18

My ex genuinely never had much left either. Despite earning far more than me, once he'd paid his debts each month he was too skint to tip up the housekeeping .... :) As long as you have full disclosure on finances and as long as you are satisfied that he is paying a fair share based on his income and is not using you then that's fine. But don't be shy about it. His ex certainly isn't.

BTW... if he genuinely has no disposable income CSA would probably award a lower maintenance amount than he is currently paying.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 12:31

Is that the case with the CSA? He did get some advice from a family law solicitor and was told that his living expenses are not taken into account. It is based purely on his earnings, number of children and amount of contact

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 12:38

You're right, the CSA don't take living expenses into account. However, the financial aspect of his divorce has to be taken as a whole and I'd hope the same family law solicitor was talking to him about that. If someone signs over a whole house they can't reasonably be expected to sign over all their income as well.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 12:44

It was mentioned that they could sign an agreement that states if she gets the house she won't go to CSA. Don't know what her thoughts will be on that. However it is not 100% watertight apparently and doesn't mean she couldn't try with the CSA in the future

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 17:52

Does anyone know if this is indeed the case?

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Diagonally · 14/03/2013 20:54

Is he actually divorced, OP?

I would not involve myself financially or cohabit with anyone who was only separated and a financial settlement not yet finalized.

It is very much to your disadvantage as there are so many uncertainties.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 20:59

Yes I can see what your saying, we are both in the same situation of having been separated quite a few years but nothing finalised , although we have both begun to take steps to that end.

Just fed up of living apart I guess

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OhToBeCleo · 14/03/2013 21:03

Set up a rental agreement with him - one that includes bills (as you would with any lodger). Send him an email to that effect so that you have something in writing so that there's no claim after the fact that he's been contributing to the mortgage.

Set up a standing order with him.

Tell him that you want to deal with this up front because you don't want money to become an issue in your relationship going forward.

Job done!

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 21:24

Sounds a good idea just seems a bit strange having lodger agreement with a partner, as it effectively makes him a lodger not a partner.

I find it hard to reconcile this as during my long marriage everything was shared in one account and it all worked well without any money issues

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2013 21:39

OP: but he's not your XP, and he sounds rubbish with money. It's not unreasonable for you to want a clear picture of how your finances are going to work, and if he responds to your requests for a proper discussion by stamping his little foot and bursting into tears, or insisting that it doesn't matter and you are being mean and money-grabbing, think very hard about letting him move in, because behaviour like this indicates either a manchild or a con artist.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 22:11

We have discussed things and he knows I will be deciding on what I think is a fair contribution from him.

The sticking point is his house and I posted mainly to get opinions on whether people thought I was being unreasonable in wondering if he should consider getting some capital from it

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Diagonally · 14/03/2013 22:46

Has he considered a mesher? That's when the house is sold when the children have finished full time education and the equity split at that point (assuming there is some)?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 14/03/2013 22:49

Thanks diagonally I hadn't heard of a mesher. However that would not be for about 11 yrs so a long way off really. Plus would he really still be able to claim anything on a house he hadn't paid anything into for over 13yrs

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Diagonally · 14/03/2013 22:58

Yes, a mesher would be part of the settlement now to happen when youngest child leaves FT education (usually). Not sure if its done on current value or future, but his solicitor will advise.

It might not help you solve the current dilemma but once the children are housed he does have a need to house himself. Renting a room for the rest of his life does not sound equitable.

PopMusic · 14/03/2013 23:25

Quite a similar situation to mine, OP, except it was a while ago. DP signed over the family house to ex wife for the children's sake and was living in rented accommodation. He had a lot of debts and money was tight. When he moved to my house, I charged him a set amount which basically covered him all the bills and half the food etc (with a set budget).

The reason was I did not want him to contribute to my mortgage at all (very protective of my assets) but I felt that he needed to contribute more than just half of the bills. It might sound unfair but it worked out for us because it made me feel he was not taking the piss, it helped him because he knew exactly how much was going out of his account so that he could budget for paying maintenance (non-CSA), paying a set amount to reduce his debts and knew how much he had for personal spends.

It's worked out really well because he has managed to be finally debt free. We still work more or less to the same principle.

The masher sounds like a good idea though. Although I asked DP and he said he wouldn't have gone for that even if he had known about it.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 15/03/2013 07:26

popmusic thanks for your post. Your solution sounds a good one and similar to what I have been thinking I should do . I absolutely don't want DP paying towards mortgage for same reason as you really. Also I'm not keen on him being a " lodger " in my house and I don't think he would like that either and I can't blame him.

He can afford half of food bill and will pay the whole of one particular bill as he uses far more than me, then I thought half of other utilities as I have a teen living at home currently. Although I might put it to him that he pays all the sky tv also just to even out the fact he doesn't pay rent as such

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PopMusic · 15/03/2013 08:33

That sounds like a good plan, brightly. Personally, if he can afford it, I'd get him to pay the sky package but that's just me. Grin

The main thing is you are both happy with the amount. He feels he has enough money to support his children, he is contributing a fair amount to your household, he can pay off his debts and have spends. You feel secure and safe financially.

Keep talking and review every six months or so, or when things crop up. Also, are you going to have bills in joint names or is it going to stay in your own name? How is he going to pay you? By standing order is best so that you are not chasing for money - that is a relationship killer.

And finally, bear in mind unexpected costs like boiler/washing machine/vacuum cleaner etc breaking down or needing a new roof or a tree cutting down. Will he be expected to contribute?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 15/03/2013 08:56

I thought we could have an account together where we both pay in our respective agreed amounts for bills food ect then if possible a bit extra in order to save for emergencies. Direct debits for bills can then come out of this account

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Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 15/03/2013 08:58

I think I will keep the bills in my name and the account I talked of we be a joint account however it would require 2 signatures to withdraw cash , which would be rare from that account as it would mainly be direct debits for bills

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StrawColoured · 15/03/2013 11:30

Your plan sounds great, Brightly. You mention your teenage child though, presumably still at school? So there will be 3 people sharing the house, I wonder if it would be fairer to split the bills 3 ways?

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 15/03/2013 11:48

STRAW hi , do you mean I pay two thirds and DP a third as teen has no income. She will be leaving in sept though for uni and back only in hols which really will be balanced out by his kids staying every so often with us

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StrawColoured · 15/03/2013 11:59

Brightly, yes, I was thinking along the lines of seeing you are currently paying for your DD's keep, why should your DP be taking on half her costs too? Not saying that's wrong at all, I'm genuinely interested because I'll be in a very similar situation soon, I have a teenage DS and my DP will be moving in with me. I have no mortgage but was proposing DP pay a third of all bills.

Original poster
Brightlydoesit · 15/03/2013 12:33

I thought it was reasonable that he pay half mainly because I will be paying entire mortgage so effectively he's not paying any rent as such. I guess you situation slightly different as you do not have a mortgage. It's so difficult to try to make it fair all round isn't it and definitely not something to rush into

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startlife · 15/03/2013 17:24

Just be aware that his ex could go to the CSA and the agreement that he has won't hold up.The CSA base CM solely on income and any previous asset transfers don't register.It with be on a trust basis, but he has more to lose than the ex.

My dh transferred all the equity to his ex and she subsequently went to the CSA when her marriage to the OM failed.She has remarried husband nos 3 and did the same to husband nos2.

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