would u date someone with a history of severe depression...

[MamaFab]

And if u would/have/are do u have any tips on how to handle it? How to ensure my child is protected? And and warning signs to look out for??

Thanks x

Some of these replies make me incredibly sad.

Would you rule out dating someone with a physical health problem just as quickly?

SirBoobAlot Been discussed at length upthread. Consensus is that it depends. Nobody is obliged to date anybody if they don't want to.

It seems to me that people with depression maybe don't realise the impact their illness has on others if they genuinely can't see why someone might not want to date them because of it.

Hi all. What if you have had severe depression and are so well that you are now longer on medication???? I must point out that ironically I was severely depressed as a result of an abusive relationship! What then???????

The lack of need of medication is a result of no longer being with said abusive partner!

I don't think that anyone should be obliged to be with anyone. What has made me sad about this thread is that most people say that a HISTORY of severe depression would be a deal breaker. Perconally I would not judge someone on history, rather than on the here and now. No I wouldn't date anyone with severe depression NOW because such a person would not be suited to be in a relationship anyway. The problem is that people who won't date someone with a 'history' seem to think that the depression is an integral part of that person'r DNA or psychological make up; an integral part of that person rather than what is likely to be a response to a deep trauma or life event.

It also implies that depression is incurable rather than the fact that it can be cured. It implies that mental health is a static state of a GOOD person and that mental ill health indicates a serious flaw; a black mark on teh character. Which is bollocks obviosly. I have had serious dpression, I am in a new relationship yet I am quite capable of getting through the day without his help; physically or psychologically!

Superstar: Basically this thread is not all about you. It sounds like you have had issues, overcome them and are doing fine, and hopefully your new partner is a nice person and you will have a happy life.

Also, it sounds as though in your case the MH issues were a (completely understandable) response to being in a bad situation which you have now escaped and recovered from; some mental illnesses can recur, sometimes without warning.

I think people are being cautious about what they might and might not be prepared to do because some will have had negative experiences of dating people with MH issues, and are therefore aware of the difficulties. Not least of which is that having depression or any other condition doesn't necessarily stop someone being an arsehole any more than being completely healthy does.

LittleEdie, think that's a bit unfair. Surely it's understandable that people would be upset that something you struggle with then isolates you further?

I'm well aware of the fact that at times I am difficult to deal with when my illness is bad. I'm also aware that I am much more than my diagnosis. And I'd like to think that people see beyond it when becoming involved in my life.

Everyone has their own 'stuff'. No one is perfect. Everyone has issues that affect them, it just so happens that a quarter of people in the UK happen to have an official name for their problems. I could never just write someone off purely based on one piece of information.

So Sirboob, presumably you would date someone with such a history of depression. I think someone with experience of depression who is now fine (not saying that is you) might perhaps be the best sort of person to accept and support someone with such a history.

People who have not had experience with depression are understandably wary.

If he was honest with me, but more importantly with himself. If he was serious about getting help then maybe.

Otherwise no. Been there, done that.

I have an on-going mental health problem. Yes I have been in relationships with people who have mental illnesses, and would be again. DP has his own issues, which I accept, as he accepts mine.

Some of my dearest friends have, or have had, periods of being severely unwell. I know they are wonderful people, so their difficulties do not alter wanting to have them in my life.

At some point before things got at all serious I would want to know more about their history and how they have dealt with things. Those are good things to know about anybody you're considering a relationship with.

I would want to find out how much insight or self awareness the person had, but then I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone who was not very insightful or self aware. It would be frustrating and dull.

I would want to find out how much responsibility the person took for themselves, their behaviour and their health. Again, that's good stuff to know whoever you're dating.

I have a history of severe depression. In my case it's not in the distant past, my most recent bout was the year before last and I would be surprised if it was my last ever episode.

Would I date me now? Yes, I've learnt over the years how to tell if I'm getting depressed, what helps and what doesn't and when to seek outside help. While I will tell DP if I am feeling low, I don't expect him to be my nursemaid or to rescue me and make it all better. It's up to me to make sure I do my bloody exercise and get enough daylight and eat properly and drag myself out of the house and make contact with people and if I find myself unable to do that or it's not helping, it's up to me to take myself to the Dr's and discuss treatment options.

Would I date me in my early 20's? Hell no. I was a vortex of unaware, irresponsible destruction and I don't think anybody who dated me back then had my best interests anywhere on their radar.

Spiritedwolf for your post. This bit especially resonated:

When we talk in the abstract about 'depressives' we are forced to reduce a human being to a bunch of common (but not universal) symptoms which don't actually encapsulate their personality or qualities.

There's some really upsetting language being used in a number of posts in this thread.

Also agree with SGB - nobody is obliged to date anybody.

No. I wouldn't bring someone with a history of a lot of things into my childrens lives including severe depression (by that I assume a medically diagnosed depression which may manifest in suicidal tendancies, violent outbursts etc), acute alcoholism, drug abuse, even the penchant for the odd racist remark - the list is infinite of people I wouldn't choose to introduce to my children.

Coping/dealing with someone who develops a mental illness after you have married them is a different ball game. One in 4 of us will get a form of dementia at some point - that balances the perspective somewhat for those who shy away from mental illness.

I have several friends who are medically diagnosed bi-polar and on life medication - they are responsible in taking their medication - many people aren't responsible and assume when they hit an even keel that they are 'cured' and stop taking their drugs.

One of the downsides of the internet is self diagnosis - MN is particularly bad for people reading a link and apply one or two symptoms and making a wild judgement that they have an illness necessitating a label of sorts.

I wouldn't date someone with a history of severe depression because every time they got a bit down I would worry it was coming back again. I wouldn't be able to wipe out my memories of what it was like to watch it take hold of my exH. I know too much, I remember too much, I have 25yrs of memories. It wouldnt be fair on my partner or me. I don't think I would be capable of going into that new relationship as an optimist and I certainly don't give myself a hard time for being honest about that.

Have done it once. I won't do it again. I consider it a fault of mine that I couldn't cope with it - but it boils down to knowing my own limits.

I married someone with bi-polar who has severe depression more than anything else.

It can be really tough, but we are happy and have a great marriage. There has been times it has really affected my happiness but I also suffer with severe anxiety so we support each other.

I totally understand why others wouldn't want to date someone with ongoing severe depression, it is tough and there will be a lot of tough times. My husband is so lovely and I consider myself very lucky to have met such a special person but if I was ,god forbid, to ever be single again I would prefer to not date someone with severe ongoing depression because it does add an extra later of hardship into a relationship.

Would rather not date someone with a history of severe depression.
Just as some people would rather not date someone with children.

I've suffered from both depression and anxiety and been with a partner who suffer seriously severe depression. The kind of depression that resulted in numerous suicide attempts, agressive behaviour and me basically throwing myself into caring for him non-stop. It was at times exhausting, constantly trying to convince someone that they don't actually want to die and that they will pull through takes so much out of you. And yes, I knew what I was getting into. I honestly don't know if I could do it again, and if I had a small child I honestly wouldn't consider starting a similar relationship for a whole host of reasons. Mostly because it wouldn't be a secure and stable environment for a child to be in if mummy is always stressed and worried about her boyfriend.

This thread makes me feel realy sad.

I have severe mental health problems - depression, personality disorder, multiple suicide attempts, self harm etc. Currently sectioned in a psych unit so I suppose I fit worst case senario.

I am also married to a lovely man who takes me as I am. He worries, he finds it stressful of course he does. But every time I ask him what he sees in me, or if he finds me a burden he just says he loves me as I am, he wants me to be well and safe, but my mental health issues are not the whole of me. It has pushed our relationship but it has also made us stronger because it has afirmed how much we love each other, how special our relationship is. I suppose I can only look at my relationship, but I think, if it is right it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

And I am not lazy, whiney, self absorbed or unmotivated. I wish I wish it was as easy as that!

Oh and MH problems do NOT = aggressive.

I would never, and have never hurt anybody else physically. It wouldn't occour to me to. Myself yes, others no.

Fluffy sorry to hear you're still under section, hope they are helping you, and so good that you have such a supportive DH who understands.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't. Every one gets down, experiences sadness and short phases of depression, but a history of severe depression is another story. If you're in love though that's your decision to make. My xh was depressed, he would be angry for years, could never celebrate, his smile was so pained and forced it brought tears to my eyes. We didn't separate because of his depression but afterwards I can see what effect it had and I'm so glad to be out.