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Relationships

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Original poster

would u date someone with a history of severe depression...

124 replies

MamaFab · 12/03/2013 16:56

And if u would/have/are do u have any tips on how to handle it? How to ensure my child is protected? And and warning signs to look out for??

Thanks x

OP posts:

Wishihadabs · 13/03/2013 11:25

I have dated a depressive. Luckily he had excellent insight. Unluckily that didn't stop him being at times self-obsessed and selfish, also a lazy so and so. Maybe co-incidence.

HorribleMother · 13/03/2013 11:29

No, I wouldn't. Sorry, I have my own issues to deal with and don't want extras.

NicknameTaken · 13/03/2013 11:34

That's unnecessarily hostile, Bobbi. If someone is well enough to have a mutual relationship, that's fine, but I'm not sacrificing myself on anyone's altar, no matter how wonderful that person is. I don't see that "selfish and unsupportive" Too many women (and some men) have been sucked into that sacrifice before now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2013 11:36

"selfish and unsupportive."

Wtf? It's not selfish and unsupportive to not want to embark on a relationship with someone who has problems that are likely to make life difficult. It's commonsense. No prospective partner is flawless and any decision about who to date has to be a highly personal judgement based on highly personal criteria. I'm sure your brother applies his own criteria and wouldn't date someone likely to make his life worse....

smileyhappymummy · 13/03/2013 11:41

I am genuinely shocked by this thread. I had severe depression 10 years ago or so, admitted to hospital, 3 years of multiple antidepressants, ect, the lot. Then I recovered. I have been completely well since then, worked, had my beautiful children, have a wonderful relationship with my dh which is mutually supportive. We got together about a year before i becamse unwell - he was incredible throughout.
I certainly don't see myself as coming with a bundle of trouble or think of children needing protecting from me.
I never would have guessed there was so much prejudice still out there. Would you all feel the same about life altering physical health problems with the potential to relapse?

ENormaSnob · 13/03/2013 11:45

No. And I absolutely wouldn't want to put my children through it either.

OneMoreGo · 13/03/2013 11:46

I probably wouldn't as I have a young child. I have dated a periodic depressive, someone with bipolar and someone who I think probably had a personality disorder. The latter was hellish and I would never go out with anyone like him again.

I have experienced bouts of mild to moderate depression in my life so I know how it feels to be depressed, and the warning signs, what to not say to a depressive etc. I have a lot of compassion for those suffering from this horrible illness. But date a severe depressive, I don't think I could, no. Not until my child had left home and then probably not even then as I am also a Rescuer type and I worry it would set me off!
I dated someone who developed PTSD during the relationship because of repressed memories of past trauma. That wasn't exactly a party either so I wouldn't do that again. Depression can exist alone or in conjunction with other MH issues/the person additionally being a complete bell end. So it's hard to make blanket statements and it is person-specific to some extent.

raspberryroop · 13/03/2013 11:48

No. With children that weren't his/hers double dip NO.

willyoulistentome · 13/03/2013 11:49

To be honest - no I would not.

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 11:51

Would you all feel the same about life altering physical health problems with the potential to relapse?

Might do, depends. Depression can have a massive impact on all the things that a relationship is supposed to provide. Depressed people (IME) are horrible to be around, that is not always true of people with physical illnesses.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2013 11:53

"Would you all feel the same about life altering physical health problems with the potential to relapse? "

It's a personal judgement. Your husband got with you a year before you got ill and presumably you therefore had a fairly strong relationship that could weather the storm and there was some sense of obligation perhaps. That's quite different to embarking on a new relationship with someone who is already sick.

HorribleMother · 13/03/2013 12:02

Would you all feel the same about life altering physical health problems with the potential to relapse?

Would tend to feel the same, yes, although 20 yrs ago I would have been more optimistic, just not nowadays (old & jaded). 22 yrs ago a good friend had a strong crush on me. He was lovely as a friend and we had a good laugh, but I didn't want to go out with him. Partly because he was C5 tetraplegic. I know it sucked for him, healthy young guy with all the usual healthy young guy desires. But not my job to meet his needs.

Women's Hour today was talking about Roller Derby; sounded fantastic wish I could try it. Not sure I'd dare, though, last time I broke my arm was pretty bad. Call me a wimp if you like.

smileyhappymummy · 13/03/2013 12:03

The op asked about someone with a history of severe depression though. Not someone who was currently unwell.
I also think its a shame that people are judging all depressed people as exactly the same - some are horrible to be around, some aren't in my experience.
What about meeting the person, getting to know them and judging them as a person - depression and all - rather than ruling them out on the basis of their past medical history? Think thats what I'd do.

raspberryroop · 13/03/2013 12:08

Then Smiley - I would say you have never lived with anyone with sever depression and the thought of potentially putting my child in that position unnecessarily makes me shudder.

Viviennemary · 13/03/2013 12:09

But the point is that people date for enjoyment and companionship. So I can't see why anybody unless they are a saint would choose to date somebody with a history of severe depression. If this is selfish then I'm sorry. I think the support should come from the person's own family and friends.

sausagebaconandtomatobutty · 13/03/2013 12:11

my ex has a history of severe depression and I lived with it for 13 years and it nearly killed me, certainly effected my mental health and has left me never wanting to be a relationship again, never mind with someone else who has depression I'll get over myself one day I'm sure

in terms of putting your dcs in danger?
our dcs were never in any physical danger but the emotional damage it has doen to them, especially the oldest, is very evident

I think if you are at the point of discussing a longer term relationship, the revelation of a past history of depression wouldn't automatically send me running for the hills although I would have my trainers on ready to go

I would want to knw how long ago it was, was it triggered by anything specific, what treatment did they have and do they feel they are completely over it?

trust would be a massive issue for me around these answers and I'm sorry to say it would likely be a deal breaker

TooYappy · 13/03/2013 12:19

Tbh I think you have to have lived with it be it yourself or someone who has had a bad case of depression

I dated a guy (one date) he suffered depression but it didn't put me off him as he wasn't depressed, he (somehow) refused to be and instead of taking medication he runs, morning and night and he seemed pretty happy. It was fact he had blood clots in his brain and he needs hospital to have a dental check that worried me with him and my PTSD.

My Mum was very depressed after my gfather passed away but she over came it with walking for miles every day, nothing stops her now, she gets all narky if she hasn't managed to go her walks.

My Ds also suffers anxiety/depression and he is 12, I cannot imagine having another depressed person to deal with

HorribleMother · 13/03/2013 12:20

This is about dating, anyway, which is just an exploration phase in my mind.

You don't usually choose who you fall in love with. Could I fall in love with someone who had severe problems and would I want to pursue that relationship regardless of those problems? YES, Of course. I'm quite capable of falling in love before I've actually ever dated someone (is that unusual?).

smileyhappymummy · 13/03/2013 12:28

raspberry just for the record you are wrong. My mum had severe depression.
Going to leave this thread now, it's making me too sad. I can see that many people have had miserable difficult experiences with people with severe depression (as have I) but please, don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone with a given diagnosis is the same - people with depression, be it active or in the past, are all different and deserve to be judged for themselves, not based on your experiences of someone else with the same illness.

MirandaWest · 13/03/2013 12:33

I'm still posting although probably shouldn't for my own mental health (joke). I wanted to start dating again so I did. I have a history of (fairly) severe depression. Should I have locked myself away? Are there other conditions where people feel it is appropriate to suggest that they wouldn't even consider what the person is like before deciding whether to go on a date with them?

raspberryroop · 13/03/2013 12:46

Smiley - that was YOUR mother who even though depressed was still related to you, who hopefully loved you even though depressed.

It's very different taking a non related child into a relationship knowing that the other person has 'severe' depression, which I take to mean more than your average case of depression/pnd etc. It would potentially boarder on child abuse for me I'm afraid however un PC that makes me.

raspberryroop · 13/03/2013 12:49

And that is based on 'professional' experiences as well as personal. Anyone who thinks that they can judge the depth and darkness of 'severe' depression based on the personality of someone when well by dating them, is very naïve. Probably very nice and kind and sweet and supportive and everything but Cracker they arnt !

clicheboredhousewife · 13/03/2013 14:13

I had depression. It t
My partner has depression
It's soul destroying
It's horrible

And

clicheboredhousewife · 13/03/2013 14:31

Whoops. Sent that too early.
I was going to say
It's much much harder from this side (being the carer) IMO.

BadLad · 13/03/2013 15:28

If the depression was apparent from the start, then no, not a chance.

If we had been dating for a while, and then it became obvious that she had depression, then I'm not sure. I like to think I would try to be supportive and stick by her, but I don't think anyone can say that without experience of it.

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