would u date someone with a history of severe depression...

[MamaFab]

And if u would/have/are do u have any tips on how to handle it? How to ensure my child is protected? And and warning signs to look out for??

Thanks x

I think there are actually all sorts of factors to consider here, an important one being that it is not, actually, anyone's job to start a relationship with someone just to prove that s/he isn't prejudiced. Dating isn't charity work and it's perfectly all right to choose not to date someone for any reason whatsoever. Women, in particular, are already socialised to think they ought to put their own needs and wellbeing second at all times when in fact there is nothing wrong with deciding that someone with severe mental or physical health problems is too much hassle to take on as a partner.
If you have a demanding career, an existing close friend or family member with physical or mental health issues, or health issues of your own then the last thing you need is an extra burden - and a person with longterm, severe, ongoing health problems is going to be a burden, is going to need extra support from you, is likely to be unable to support you when you need it.

I know several rather lovely people who have suffered from chronic depression or anxiety. Its sad to think that so many people would rule them (and me) out as potential partners.

I guess its like anything else. You wouldn't choose to bring the heartbreak of any kind of illness or difficulty willingly into your life but when you love a person who has/developes a condition then you have to decide if that difficulty is a barrier to the relationship.

When we talk in the abstract about 'depressives' we are forced to reduce a human being to a bunch of common (but not universal) symptoms which don't actually encapsulate their personality or qualities.

So in the abstract, yes life would be easier without the difficulties of depression, but it would also be easier without cancer, or ms or any other condition. I think if you rule out people who have suffered from severe depression from your list of potential mates, you are ruling out a lot of potential love, creativity, intelligence and kindness too. It is of course your perogative.

I wouldn't choose to date a serious condition, a bunch of symptoms, but a person with such a condition, quite possibly, yes. As others have stated, it would be important for trust that the partner was honest and was able to talk about their condition and practically what support they'd seek if their condition returned, and what symptoms to look out for. So yes, a sense of self-awareness and openness would be appropriate, though these are traits I'd look for in anycase.

I'm not going to belittle those who have said they wouldn't as it often seems to be from experience and you know what you are prepared to have in your lives. (Not me, clearly). My experience is that depression affects all kinds of people, some of whom I'd live with, others I would not, and it effects them in different ways, so I wouldn't exclude a partner based on a history of depression.

What SGB said again. She is doing a very good job of articulating my feelings on this.

I have no interest in potentially putting myself second after anyone else's problems, for the sake of being unselfish or open minded.

Been there, done that...and now I know better.

And Bobbi I have to say....my brother has severe mental health problems too. He's a lovely guy, but I don't think it's any woman's job to put up with him. The fact that someone might struggle to live with his illness on a full time basis does not make them selfish and unsupportive...it means that he is fucking hard to live with!!

I did. He had no job because of long depressive illness. Very good looking, very interesting and intelligent man, really good company. Excellent lover.

However, it was difficult and I won't pretend it wasn't. We didn't last.

No i have a child and having a depressed step parent would not be healthly

Also i personally dont want to be omones nurse maid its one thing getting with somone who has a breavement or somthing but to go into a relationship with somone who is basically ill

Also i really thing there energies should be spent getting well not dealing with relationship drama that most likey will make there depression worse

My oh went out with somone like this very very ill in the end she used to say she would kill her self everytime he tried to end it stayed 4 years longer than he wanted didnt want to have a death on his hand one day he siad he was going to the shop never went back awful all round

I don't think so. My DH has physical illnesses which leave him bedridden and incapacitated fairly regularly. It is much easier to deal with that than his bouts of severe depression when he knows he is depressed and needs help, but cannot get himself out of bed and to the dr. I found if incredibly difficult and the last episode was pre-DCs.

I've had some very bad mental health issues in the past. I have a lovely new boyfriend. I have told him about the eating disorder but I havn't mentioned the psychiatric ward and/or hypomania yet. Shall I tell him people or will he dump me?
Given that I have been 'well' for about ten years now. A HISTORY of mental illness is just that. It's a shame that society's attitude towarsd mental illness hasn't changed. Its hard enough having a mental illness let alone feeling taht noone will love you or want to be with you as a result of that.

My dad was with my mum for 25 years. She had bipolar. He stuck with her until she died of cancer two years ago. He was amazing. of course it was hard for him but you know what? He loved her and they both had a pretty good life together despite her issues. each to their own but I am glad that coming from such a background has given me an open mind.I would date someone with a history of depression as they would have more empathy for someone like me than someone who was prejudiced and/or inexperienced towards mental health issues.

I also think you have to decide if their is a difference between those who experience severe depression because of bad experiences such as ptsd or those for whom it was a chemical imbalance.I think that many people still fear the so -called chemical imbalance in people. They feel that if their is no real excuse for the depression then it is because they are themselves and unbalanced person.

What if your dwife got post natal depression? What of your dp got made redundant and couldn't get a job?
What if your dp was involved in an accident?
What if your dp had an abusive childhood/relationship?
All of these situations can give rise to severe depression. What then? Remember a HISTORY of severe depression is in the PAST but we are all capable of getting it in the future.

No, I don't think I would. I have been there, done that and it is draining, exhausting and shattering to live with. Whilst feeling every sympathy for anyone who is struggling with such a dreadful illness I wouldn't ever go there again. I am too old and tired now to deal with being the sole support for someone with clinical depression. As other posters have said, it is almost impossible not to get sucked into the black hole of a partner's negativity. And someone who is severely depressed tends to be absolutely wrapped up in their own problems and anxieties - it is a massively selfish illness. It is too much for me to cope with now. And I really don't want my kids suffering through it, either.

Obviously the person's attitude to his/her condition, as well as the details of the illness (I am using 'condition' to cover both mental and physical problems just to save typing time) would be a factor. Someone who has had, for instance, MH problems in the past but, after treatment, has been well for a considerable time - not necessarily a problem. Someone undergoing treatment and expecting a cure/the condition to stabillise at a manageable level - probably OK, as well.

However, someone undergoing serious problems when I meet him/her: no, thanks. Not least because a person in the middle of a serious MH crisis (or, indeed, adjusting to a diagnosis/accident which is going to be lifechanging) should be focussing his/her energies on getting well rather than on dating.

SGB- totally agree. In the midst of very serious depression, relationships are a bad idea anyway.

I think if someone has had a past episode and is fully recovered, then they should not be excluded from the dating scene!

What a shame to see the level of fear about depression here.

A loving relationship can be exactly what that person will benefit from. Of course no-one wants to be dragged down,but it need not be like that.

I know this will sound a bit hypocritical, but I would prefer not to start a relationship with someone who has depression. However, I have had major depression and other mental health issues. My ex boyfriend developed depression, quit his job and left me to support us on what little money I had. It devastated the relationship because he just didn't want help. Being with someone prone to depression when you yourself are also prone to depression is difficult because you feed off eachother's emotions.

My DH is an absolute star, he's so positive and even when I fell into a dark place 3 months into our relationship, he stuck by me. But when I got bad, I sought help. I always have because I recognise when things aren't quite right in my head and I WANT to get better. Which I think is the difference. Being with someone who has no interest in getting help is very difficult. I'd rather be with someone like my DH who's positive attitude rubs off on me. He's done more good than a counsellor ever has, he's so utterly logical about everything that it all just makes sense. Seriously, if I am having an episode he just has to chat to me for five minutes and I'm fixed.

There will always be people who don't want to be with someone who has depression. But there will always be other people who it doesn't matter to. Just gotta find the right fit.

its not fear lucylloyd in most cases on this thread it's experience. Been there, done that (for me over 24 yrs), never again.

Don't get me wrong - I don't for one minute regret marrying my exH and if dealing with his depression was part of the package that gave me a great life and brilliant DCs then even in retrospect I would not have chosen differently. I would, OTOH, run like the wind from another relationship with anyone with a history of severe depression.

Coping with something that happens to you is very different from choosing it. I went into my marriage bonkers about him and believing love would conquer all, that he would be Ok because I loved him to bits. Ah the naivety of young love - I now know that it was outside of my control and would not choose to go there again knowingly.

Yes. I did and we have been together for over 10 years.
I'm not perfect either.

I agree with SGB, and disagree with LucyLloyd that it is always about fear. Having grown up with a parent who was severely depressed, no, I wouldn't choose that for myself or my children from the outset. My mum parented alone with a third child (her husband) and so does my friend whose husband has long-term depression. I think Ratata is right, some people fit quite well and can cope well with other people's mental health issues because they are quite robust or simply don't take them on too much- for others, the 'fit' is wrong or the depression takes too much away from the whole relationship.

Lucy it's nothing to do with fear of depression for me...it's to do with experience of depression.

Coping with something that happens to you is very different from choosing it. I went into my marriage bonkers about him and believing love would conquer all, that he would be Ok because I loved him to bits. Ah the naivety of young love. I now know that it was outside of my control and would not choose to go there again knowingly.

That.

Don't assume my stance is down to ignorance Lucy. It isn't.

Honestly No I wouldnt knowingly choose to start a relationship with someone with severe depression, especially if children are involved.
Its a hugely draining illness to live with and everything within the relationship would be about their needs and tailored to suit their current mood. I wouldnt be prepared to put some of my needs and wants on the back burner. Its probably very selfish of me. but I dont want to be someones crutch and nurse maid for what can be a long and protracted illness with no guaranteed end point.

"Shall I tell him people or will he dump me?"

Whilst it's a mistake to feel you have to bare every piece of your soul in a relationship, you should always try to be honest with a partner about the big stuff if you think there's a future in it. There's nothing worse than skeletons dropping out of cupboards at awkward moments - like the person in the thread about having 2 kids they've never owned up to - for making a partner feel they've been had. We've all got things in our character or our past that others might find unacceptable. We don't have to have mental health problems to reveal something that might cause the other person to end it. If they walk away because they can't deal with whatever it happens to be, better it happens sooner rather than later. Life isn't risk-free ... .

I would get to know the person in depth first, before making a big commitment.

As other posters said, if it was a one or two off and in the past, I wouldn't hesitate to give the relationship a go. After all, depression is like any other illness in that sense, there is a chance of relapse, but a lot of the time is a reaction to a very stressful situation/s in a person's life.

Look at his family history and family dynamics, though. A lot of people are not diagnosed with depression but can be a handful too for other reasons.

Put the depression in context, and get to know the human being that lies underneath. Then make those decisions. If his depression is already affecting your relationship, that should be a red light.

Would you date someone with a history of back problems or diabetes?

Like others have said, a history of any MH problem that had been successfully treated or was well managed wouldn't necessarily be an issue.

But existing, untreated or ineffectively treated then no. This may sound selfish but because I work as a therapist myself and treat people with depression I really wouldn't want to come home to more of the same in my personal life as well! Plus I think because I'm a MH professional the dynamic would be weird, I probably couldn't help but try to encourage them to do things that I know are helpful, and therefore cultivate a patient-therapist dynamic which would be bad for all concerned!

I wouldn't. I can understand that all the 'no' answers are upsetting for those who have had depression, but when you think that it's perfectly acceptable to choose who you date on the basis of many non-life-changing things such as preferences for hair colour, height, looks, minor personality quirks, dress sense, and all those little things which attract you to a person (or not!) it seems a little naïve to suggest overlooking such a major feature of a person's character and history as severe depression. Of course we all would hopefully be totally supportive if an existing partner developed depression, but given the devastating effect it can have on the lives of all concerned, it seems reasonable to want to avoid that kind of burden, particularly if we are talking about 'dating', when you don't yet have any history with or commitment to the person.

OK, there is the flipside of 'I have had a problem condition in the past and it's cured/I have an ongoing condition but I'm fine if I take my medication' and at what point you let a new partner know, so as to avoid accusations of deceitfulness. I don't think anyone has to declare their deepest personal truths on the first or second date, as it's not just a matter of the 'well' person deciding whether s/he feels noble enough to take on the 'less well' person. Having a condition doesn't mean you are so desperate that you have to take on anyone who'll have you, and if you think that you're unlikely to go further than a couple of dates with someone, why should you give them sensitive personal information?

(There was a thread a while back about someone who started dating a transperson: some people were saying that the transperson should have been honest from the beginning, others pointed out that the transperson has a right to privacy to the extent that the transperson would want to feel that the new date was trustworthy enough not to be obnoxious about the information given).