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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

136 replies

50000feet · 11/03/2013 21:07

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

OP posts:

Doha · 12/03/2013 22:11

No respect= no relationship.

The end

StairsInTheNight · 12/03/2013 22:15

In my experience men who do this kind of thing will do it over and over again. If he's not actually shagging this time, maybe the next. Myself, I would be glad to find out and get rid.

jynier · 12/03/2013 22:31

So sorry, OP, that this has happened to you! You are probably still in shock; listen to the wise people on here! (Also think that he had sex with you on Saturday because he had been turned-on by the old GF and he was just using your body as a vessel for his ejaculation fluid!)

comingintomyown · 12/03/2013 22:33

Sadly he doesnt really seem that committed to starting over your relationship does he ?

I would probably cut my losses if you have broken up before and now this, flogging dead horses and all that

comingintomyown · 12/03/2013 22:34

Thats revolting and rather a cruel comment jynier

TicTacSir · 12/03/2013 22:38

jynier that's a bit cruel and thoughtless. OP I suggest you stop drinking even though it helps A LOT (at the time) and talk face to face.
Have you had a FB reply from ex-gf? She'll no doubt be mortified. Good.

almostanotherday · 12/03/2013 22:38

Let him beg forgiveness for a few days, I think I would still want to scream at him right now. I think you are being very strong and much calmer than I would be OP, well done.

Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 22:49

I would think you do have a lot to think about 5000 and maybe you dont want this to be the end of your relationship and that is ok. There is really no right and wrong. Sometimes things happen because the relationship is going through a bad patch and your idiot man had his head and ego turned by a blast from the past. He was stupid as he says. Very stupid but only you and he can decide if there is any way back from this. Lots of relationships do recover from things like this and worse. Sometimes realising what you both could lose makes you realise what you really want. It doesnt make you weak and it doesnt mean that he will do it again. What it does mean is that you are a grown up who realises things are not always going to be black and white.

notthesamenametoday · 12/03/2013 22:54

Also think that he had sex with you on Saturday because he had been turned-on by the old GF and he was just using your body as a vessel for his ejaculation fluid!

Really can't believe someone wrote this while claiming to have sympathy. Sick and horrible.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/03/2013 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynier · 12/03/2013 22:58

OP - Very sorry if I offended you and others by my comments but was reminded that this was what used to happen to me; my XP was leading a double life and, in bed, sometimes used to mistake me for the OW.

Sincerely did not mean to upset anyone!

Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 23:04

But love does exist without trust or respect. Thats the thing. Just because someone has broke your heart you dont stop loving them automatically. You dont trust then and you lose respect but you can still go on loving them. If we could turn love "off" then we would never get hurt.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/03/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNorthWitch · 12/03/2013 23:22

Jynier your comment may have been brutal but I suspect it's right on the money. I would hate to have sex with someone who had recently been fantasising about sex with his ex. Not a great leap to think he would still be doing it when he was with you.

Xales · 13/03/2013 08:00

Jynier's comment was blunt and to the point. It is also what I think OP was getting at in her first post and what is was trying to say. [Sad]

That is where this man is at in his relationship with OP. He is talking/remembering his sex with this ex and then hornet from that having sex with OP.

I get that sometimes many have a little fantasy romp with the actor/musician of thier choice mentally but I think what this man has done is worlds away from that.

Xales · 13/03/2013 08:01

Fat fingers and phone sorry for spellings. Hope that is understandable.

RachaelH1983 · 13/03/2013 12:45

I've read the thread must be terrible to go thro this I hope u r ok x

Xales · 13/03/2013 18:27

How are you doing today 50000?

SugarPasteGreyhound · 13/03/2013 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

50000feet · 13/03/2013 19:59

Received a message from the ex gf on FB saying I should read all his messages as he's the one who said he was not in a relationship. Not going to answer her. She then messaged him asking why he lied, he's not answered yet. Lots of missed calls and voicemail. So, text him and asked him WHY, no answer yet.

OP posts:

Stropzilla · 13/03/2013 20:03

It's good that she's questioning him, and not just blaming you/assuming you're an unstable ex. Sorry he's ignoring you now, what a shit.

Xales · 13/03/2013 20:17

Silly bint seems to be ignoring that she was a party to those messages and she is in a relationship. How did that slip her mind

Anyway she is unimportant.

How are you coping? Do you have any friends or family to give you support or a real shoulder?

PureQuintessence · 13/03/2013 20:20

Sorry.

It would appear that he checked out of your marriage when you decided to have a break and did not really check in again when you decided to give it another go. I guess he was biding his time and keeping all his options open, trying to build new relationships to have something to move on to. That is how it seems to me.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2013 20:37

Hopefully both of the women in this ridiculously entitled bloke's 3 way will kick him into touch

OP, you are not going to be the one who accepts the booby prize, are you ?

Original poster

50000feet · 13/03/2013 20:40

I've heard it all now, he left a long voicemail. Load of tosh! he's obviously had a day to make it up but it's still feeble. He kind of avoids answering the question and goes back to how much he loves me and quotes all the things that prove that! Funny your comment,pure - he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break.

OP posts:

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