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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

136 replies

50000feet · 11/03/2013 21:07

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

OP posts:
Wonderland121 · 12/03/2013 19:58

Hope your ok op, sending your hug

ihatethecold · 12/03/2013 20:02

Have you had a response op?
Ltb

ihatethecold · 12/03/2013 20:03

Have you had a response yet OP?
I hope you are ok!

kinkyfuckery · 12/03/2013 20:03

Hope you are ok

Original poster
50000feet · 12/03/2013 20:05

I know that if I didn't let the cat out the bag that I wouldn't be able to not keep looking. I'd keep snooping and read more hurtful things. Couldn't let it continue and me keep watching! Told him id seen it on fb and to enjoy her, called him the b word and that was it! Private messaged her saying I was his wife and maybe I would share with her husband - but I won't (didn't say that to her) 14 missed calls, two texts, three voicemails.

OP posts:
Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 20:09

what do the texts and voicemails say....

Stropzilla · 12/03/2013 20:09

Well done. Are you booting him out?

Xales · 12/03/2013 20:10

Did you take screen shots as suggested in case you decide to divorce? You can use them for unreasonable behavior.

Don't let this be turned on you for snooping he is the one firmly in the wrong.

Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 20:10

I agree with you. You couldnt keep seeing that. Its heartbreaking. You have taken control now.

tametortie · 12/03/2013 20:14

What do the texts say?

Original poster
50000feet · 12/03/2013 20:16

Oh yes, 4 screen shots all in my iCloud on all devices - 20 missed calls, 4 voicemails, my phones in the bin! Yes feel good now, will probably crumble later when the bin stops vibrating, but will take it as it comes!

OP posts:
Chaoscarriesonagain · 12/03/2013 20:18

LTB, been here.
The calls, the texts ; panic. If he cared he wouldn't minimise what you had like he has.

Xales · 12/03/2013 20:19

You are on a high now. You are right you will probably crash. You are going to go through anger, sadness, wanting him close, wanting to kill him.

It is all natural and expected. Be as kind as you can be to yourself and take as long as you need for yourself.

Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 20:19

Stay strong, you really do not need someone who denies your existence especially with an ex.

Chaoscarriesonagain · 12/03/2013 20:19

Don't crumble, he's a bastard.

postmanpatscat · 12/03/2013 20:19

I think you've done the right thing. It will probably never seem as hard as it does right now.

Stropzilla · 12/03/2013 20:19

Ok take the phone out the bin and just turn itt off. You are stronger than you know. You will be fine.

Ahhhcrap · 12/03/2013 20:19

Hang in there OP and look after you!

Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 20:29

OP....were with you on this ok.....your not alone. Keep posting.x

Uppatreecuppatea · 12/03/2013 20:42

OP - I really feel for you. What a shock for you and I'm so sorry for you that this happened.

However - I just wanted to say something here. Maybe your DH is just acting like a total dick and writing out of escapism for something silly or egoistic. Maybe he just wanted to see if "he still had it". I'm not excusing his behaviour - he acted like a dickwad.

BUT

Don't get caught up in the "leave the bastard" encouragements because that isnt' helpful to you when you're feeling so emotional.

Could he possibly have a reason for his behaviour?

I know it must make you feel sick to read his FB posts, specially that he denied your existence (and the Gold bit!) but.... always good to listen to what he has to say too. Perhaps he just acted out of ego and didnt' think of the consequences (he wasn't too worried if he didnt' protect his FB account).

Listen to what he has to say and take it from there.

Dottiespots · 12/03/2013 20:52

I would take the phone out of the bin and listen to all the messages but dont react until you have read all of them and had a couple of hours to digest everything. Is there a possibility he could have left where he is and be on his way to talk to you?? Listening to the messages will tell you.

WishIdbeenatigermum · 12/03/2013 21:09

Uppatree why?
OP doesn't need him. There are no prizes for long service and he's deceived her- why should she stay in the relationship?

Original poster
50000feet · 12/03/2013 21:29

Been for a hot shower! The bins gone quiet for 10 mins! Opened the most expensive bottle of fizz! I did listen to voicemail, panic mostly! 'Sorry I've f'd everything up. Please answer. I'm a fool, nothing in it, no interest!, im stupid' 'really really want us to work'. I can't think but not going to cave (try not to cave).

OP posts:
Original poster
50000feet · 12/03/2013 21:31

By the way, thanks everyone! Don't know what I'd have done without this!

OP posts:
SugarPasteGreyhound · 12/03/2013 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.