Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

[50000feet]

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

[SquidgyMummy]

see what he says when he gets back.
for a start you shouldn't be able to see him because he should be behind the most enormous bunch of flowers

[newbiefrugalgal]

Hugs OP
Hope you are ok (although I know you are going through hell!)
Been there(still there)

Enjoy the bubbles you deserve them!

[Uppatreecuppatea]

Listen to what he has to say. It's not 'caving' to listen.

Don't make judgements when you're drinking though.

How far away from you is he? If he's close, I'd hope that he's making his way back to you now to explain everything.

OP might not NEED him but she might WANT him. Different.

If it were me, I'd want it sorted out and I would be hoping for something that excused his behaviour so I could reason with it and get my life back.

Let's hope that that is the case with the OP. He did do something stupid on FB but he didn't really decive her. He still has a lifeline in my book.

Good luck OP!

[AnyFucker]

A bunch of flowers would be put straight in the trash, in my house.

I wouldn't be able to see him for the packed suitcases on the doorstep.

[AnyFucker]

He didn't deceive who?

The OP ? Oh, you mean those lies of omission are not deception ? Denying her existence to another woman he is flirting with is not deceit ?

Or he didn't deceive the OW ? He just forgot to tell her he had a wife ?

An understandable mistake, if you have had a lobotomy, I suppose.

[Uppatreecuppatea]

I wouldn't want a bunch of flowers either. But AF...... would you suggest an overnight case or a suitcase for good? You are so black and white!
Anti-pearl-clutch!

[PureQuintessence]

Same her AF.

This is a case of suitcases on the doorstep.

[Wewereherefirst]

I have to agree with AF here, he's deceitful to everyone when he suits and now he's been caught. His behaviour is inexcusable.

[AnyFucker]

This is a black and white example of pure disrespect.

The OP's H think he has the right to deny her existence to chat up another woman.

Well yes, he can do that if he wishes, it's a totally free country. But he wouldn't be doing it in my house, on my time.

Perhaps you would tolerate it, Uppa, to hang onto your marriage ? I wouldn't, and I am not unusual in that.

[Uppatreecuppatea]

Ah come on.....he was a shit! No doubt.

The worst thing he did in my bood was to deny her existence.

Would it have been worse to say he had a miserable partnership?

I dunno - sometimes there's a reason. The guy is a putz, for sure. But maybe there is something to be saved here.

[AnyFucker]

I need to have respect for my husband. I couldn't respect such a foolish and cliched joke of a man such as this one.

[forgetmenots]

Agree with AF. Overnight case at the very, very least - wouldn't get through the door.

[AnyFucker]

Deny OP's existence versus lie about a miserable relationship ?

Neither of those things, of course.

[Uppatreecuppatea]

I think i tend to avoid uncertainty in my life and I avoid confrontation and always look for the best outcome.

Probably I shouldn't post on relationships.

[CatelynStark]

Never mind the suitcases, I'd have already lobbed his clothes out of the window!

Bunch of flowers! That made me laugh!

[50000feet]

Heart thumping again, there was someone outside, he is two hours away! But false alarm, my next door neighbour! It's interesting what your both saying, cause my head saying both sides too! Need time!

[AnyFucker]

Uppa, you have an opinion. It is your own to give.

You hate uncertainty ? I cannot think of anything more uncertain and destabilising than excusing and minimising the actions of a deceitful man. Taking control of the situation is the most certain outcome of all. IMO>

[PureQuintessence]

He was embarking on an emotional affair, reliving sex with a former girlfriend, AND denied the existence of his wife.... Not a small thing.

It can be overcome, but it is not a small thing.

[AnyFucker]

Uppa, you should post where you like. As long as you don't get too arsey with people picking up on man-pleasing and appeasing approaches to being treated like shit.

[Xales]

I think that reminiscing sexually about the things this other person did and then having sex with OP so soon after is a massive emotional betrayal.

I would feel cheap and unclean and struggle to be intimate with that person again.

[AnyFucker]

OP, the most useful time you can buy yourself to think without this deceitful crying and wailing all over you and pushing you to forgive him is to give him his marching orders. Get him out of your sight so you can process this properly.

Otherwise, the crocodile tears and woe-is-me bullshit will confuse you.

[AnyFucker]

deceitful man

[Uppatreecuppatea]

Ok - if it were me and I confonted my DH over a message he sent on FB, I would expect at the very least that he would make every effort to get home asap no matter where he was.

[tribpot]

Could he possibly have a reason for his behaviour?

Like .. he was researching a novel on a man who starts an inappropriate text-based relationship with an ex whilst supposed to be mending his marriage?