I'm probably overreacting...

[AmIAMug]

Have NC'd.

Before I begin, I'm pregnant and hormonal so please be gentle.

Dp and I have been together a year and a half. I have 2 dcs already and I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with our much wanted baby.

He's been perfect. The complete opposite of abusive XH. Kind and considerate and always helps out with the dcs.

We were planning on getting married soon. Just a small thing. But now I don't know if I can. And I don't know if I'm overreacting. I feel like this could be an XH hangup.

So, on Sunday I had arranged to meet with an old friend and her dcs. We hadn't seen each other in more than a year, and she'd never met dp. I really wanted them to get on. Due to busy schedules on all sides, we started planning to meet in December and this was the first opportunity for us both. We would drive a 6 hour round trip and so would they.

Then dp was invited out Saturday night. He never goes out so I encouraged him to, they were watching the rugby. But i did say a couple of times how important Sunday was to me, so could he make sure he'd be able to drive back and help out. And of course be perfect dp for meeting my friend :)

He said no problem. I offered to cancel if he wanted a big night. He said it was fine, reassured me.

Long story short (or slightly shorter) he got totally wankered. Staggered in at gone 2 (we were leaving at 7) completely hammered.

I asked if he wanted to stay at home he insisted he wanted to come.

3 times I had to stop the car for him to vomit.
He then staggered around with us for a bit before finally going back to sleep it off in the car. We left early because he was so unwell.

I am very upset that he ruined the day and feel lied to.

I wish I'd cancelled it.

He is very sorry.

I feel like he wasn't interested in my plans and pissed all over what I wanted. But I'm aware this is what XH would have done, and this is the first time he's done something like this.

I wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm frightened I'm a mug again , I don't want to get married.

I want it not to have happened.

And I look at this and it looks like no big deal. So why am I so devastated?

Please help

[Helltotheno]

All you can do OP is see how it goes. Had you actually a date for a wedding, started preparations etc? Has he said something else to bother you?

[AmIAMug]

Hi hellto, we had a couple of options but no set date, organisation hadn't got beyond the planning stage and was always going to be adhoc and informal. I was very much looking forward to it.

It is more about missing that feeling of safety that I had.

But I worry that's an overreaction too. I want to let it go.

[AmIAMug]

Oh and no, he's been saying all the right things, even understanding that it's only actions that can change things and not words.

[Helltotheno]

It's understandable how you're feeling it really is. You went through all that you did with your ex and now it feels as though this is the start of bad things with your DP, is that how you feel?
But remember, it's not so much what he did here (well it is and it isn't) but because it's something you're just discovering, it's going to be all about how it's handled by him from here on in.

At least it's progress that he's admitted it's a problem. I know plenty of people who had this sort of problem with booze, ie couldn't stop after one, not knowing when to stop etc. All but the vast minority handled those problems, whether that involved giving up totally or recognising bad drinking habits etc. It didn't mean those people were at fault in other ways or abusive or a host of other negatives. I think on balance he deserves a chance here to prove that he can do what he said he would..... you don't have to rush into marriage right now if that's not where you're at mentally.

[AmIAMug]

Thanks hellto. That really is exactly it. XH had issues with alcohol (as well as just about everything else), and one of the things I really liked about this relationship was being able to share a glass of wine without being afraid.

He definitely does deserve another chance. He's a lovely bloke, and I believe he can change. It's my hang up.

It's good to hear that most people grow out of it once they decide to.