I'm probably overreacting...

[AmIAMug]

Have NC'd.

Before I begin, I'm pregnant and hormonal so please be gentle.

Dp and I have been together a year and a half. I have 2 dcs already and I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with our much wanted baby.

He's been perfect. The complete opposite of abusive XH. Kind and considerate and always helps out with the dcs.

We were planning on getting married soon. Just a small thing. But now I don't know if I can. And I don't know if I'm overreacting. I feel like this could be an XH hangup.

So, on Sunday I had arranged to meet with an old friend and her dcs. We hadn't seen each other in more than a year, and she'd never met dp. I really wanted them to get on. Due to busy schedules on all sides, we started planning to meet in December and this was the first opportunity for us both. We would drive a 6 hour round trip and so would they.

Then dp was invited out Saturday night. He never goes out so I encouraged him to, they were watching the rugby. But i did say a couple of times how important Sunday was to me, so could he make sure he'd be able to drive back and help out. And of course be perfect dp for meeting my friend :)

He said no problem. I offered to cancel if he wanted a big night. He said it was fine, reassured me.

Long story short (or slightly shorter) he got totally wankered. Staggered in at gone 2 (we were leaving at 7) completely hammered.

I asked if he wanted to stay at home he insisted he wanted to come.

3 times I had to stop the car for him to vomit.
He then staggered around with us for a bit before finally going back to sleep it off in the car. We left early because he was so unwell.

I am very upset that he ruined the day and feel lied to.

I wish I'd cancelled it.

He is very sorry.

I feel like he wasn't interested in my plans and pissed all over what I wanted. But I'm aware this is what XH would have done, and this is the first time he's done something like this.

I wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm frightened I'm a mug again , I don't want to get married.

I want it not to have happened.

And I look at this and it looks like no big deal. So why am I so devastated?

Please help

[AmIAMug]

Thanks hellto. That really is exactly it. XH had issues with alcohol (as well as just about everything else), and one of the things I really liked about this relationship was being able to share a glass of wine without being afraid.

He definitely does deserve another chance. He's a lovely bloke, and I believe he can change. It's my hang up.

It's good to hear that most people grow out of it once they decide to.

[Helltotheno]

It's understandable how you're feeling it really is. You went through all that you did with your ex and now it feels as though this is the start of bad things with your DP, is that how you feel?
But remember, it's not so much what he did here (well it is and it isn't) but because it's something you're just discovering, it's going to be all about how it's handled by him from here on in.

At least it's progress that he's admitted it's a problem. I know plenty of people who had this sort of problem with booze, ie couldn't stop after one, not knowing when to stop etc. All but the vast minority handled those problems, whether that involved giving up totally or recognising bad drinking habits etc. It didn't mean those people were at fault in other ways or abusive or a host of other negatives. I think on balance he deserves a chance here to prove that he can do what he said he would..... you don't have to rush into marriage right now if that's not where you're at mentally.

[AmIAMug]

Oh and no, he's been saying all the right things, even understanding that it's only actions that can change things and not words.

[AmIAMug]

Hi hellto, we had a couple of options but no set date, organisation hadn't got beyond the planning stage and was always going to be adhoc and informal. I was very much looking forward to it.

It is more about missing that feeling of safety that I had.

But I worry that's an overreaction too. I want to let it go.

[Helltotheno]

All you can do OP is see how it goes. Had you actually a date for a wedding, started preparations etc? Has he said something else to bother you?

[AmIAMug]

Bump

[AmIAMug]

Hello, I'm feeling confused again. I just feel so angry with him. I don't want to, I want to let this go and move on.

He's saying and doing all the right things. I know I'm just scared.

Any advice?

[AmIAMug]

Lavender I see what you mean.

I do think he wants to change for himself too. But I will talk to him about this.

[Lavenderhoney]

Glad you are feeling better op, but to me, he needs to promise himself he won't do it too- - he needs to know he will let himself down, not just you and the dc. It's hard to explain tbh!

[AmIAMug]

I'm both glad, and sorry, I'm not the only one, Liza.

I feel like it's a positive step. We've distinguished between his two promises. The promise he has made to himself, is his new limits. The promise he's made to me, is a more general "I will never drink to excess again". I asked for mine to be different, because that way I'm judging his actions and the consequences and not automatically counting every drink that he has. I hope that makes some sense.

I still wish I could be back in the oblivious cocoon I was in on Saturday. But that's not how the world works. So we'll give it a go.

Thanks to everyone for all the support today. It's been so helpful x

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

that sounds really positive to me. How do you feel about it - it sounds as though you've kept a real level head on you today, I hope you feel good about that.

I am also on the other side of an abusive relationship and really do get the need to have a reality check from time to time.

[AmIAMug]

Hellto, the anxiety bit is spot on.

Lavender, that's great advice.

So dp is home and has said that he has a plan. For the next month he doesn't want to drink anything. After that, for a year, he wants to restrict himself to a large glass of wine or a pint at home, maximum. And if he's going on a night out no more than three pints. After the year is up, depending on how it all goes, to just have a general limit of never more than 3 pints (or equivalent)

I've told him to have a think about whether he can realistically keep to that, because the last thing I want is him to set himself unrealistic expectations. But it sounds good to me. Three pints is plenty, and interspersed with other drinks will last a night.

I will get him to read the AA site.

At no point has he blamed anyone else, although he did say he was caught up in rounds. But admits that's no excuse.

I've said that it's up to him to police it. I won't be. And he said that that's as it should be.

He feels very ashamed , particularly of what the dcs think. But they are ok and I've spoken to them.

So the ball is in his court. He understands that this is his chance to take control of his own issue, and that I don't want to be around it if it controls him.

[Lavenderhoney]

Whilst he is feeling like this get him to read the AA website - all of it. You can read it too. Dh read it all and was very quiet for a bit. The important thing is that you don't let him make excuses like " they made me have another one" or stuff like that.

Get him to call AA to see if it's for him, and yes he needs to be able to go out, but you need to know that when he tells you not to wait up, it's because he has planned a big night.

If he does it again, throw all the milk away, hide the coffee and go out for the day. ( tip from previous mn poster) then you both know it's not a one off and he either seeks help and goes to AA or well, it's a life style choice. I made it very clear to my dh it was not MY lifestyle choice if it happened again. Luckily he agreed and didnt try to wiggle out of it/ blame stress/ me/

[Helltotheno]

Crinkle there's a bit more to this in the rest of the thread.

OP another thought: Even though I don't think he did this to sabotage you, I do think he subconsciously did it out of nervousness/social anxiety around meeting people he didn't know/friends he knew were important to you. Could there be a bit of an issue there too around using drink as a crutch in social situations?

I dunno, some food for thought. I think it's a big step already for the two of you to recognise it and talk about it.

There are strategies around actual drinking but it may not be easy for a guy to do it among mates (e.g., don't get in a rounds system, drink slower, a water for every pint, stick to lower alcohol drinks like beer, no mixing and no shorts/shots etc).

[Crinkle77]

It sounds like he just got carried away. He doesn't go out very often and probably got swept away with it all especially if he had not had a night out for a while. Thing is with men is that they don't want to be seen as wimps by their mates especially if it looks like they are going home cos their wife/partner expects them too. Pathetic I know but that is just men. At least he still insisted on coming. He could have just said he wasn't coming and stayed in bed. Plus he had his punishment by spending the journey puking. he may well have learned his lesson. It's not like he does it all the time so ghive him the benefit of the doubt.

[Owllady]

your GP? they run community run alcohol liaison services
or AA

[AmIAMug]

Any suggestions on places for info on how to control binge drinking?

[Owllady]

yes I do understand that completely

[AmIAMug]

Thanks owl. I will support him in it. My one concern is that I don't want to police him. I don't want to worry about whether he'll come home and pass out. I have enough children, I don't need another. It would be disastrous for our relationship. I don't want to lose respect for him. I already have a bit.

[Owllady]

someone who drinks compulsively and then admits they have a problem, probably wants to stop drinking. Could you encourage him to seek some support for this?

I would have been angry too, i think it's a completely normal emotion to feel in that situation!

[AmIAMug]

ThePIE I agree, that's why I posted. It's hard to see normal mistakes once you've been through EA or similar, because you worry about where it will lead. Hence my worry about overreacting.

But I would equally be wrong not to voice my doubts and sort things out. Dp did something stupid and he is sorry. He ( not I) has suggested he has a pattern of behaviour that I wasn't aware of, that he wants to change.

I'm not going to get married whilst I feel insecure or unsafe. Even if it turns out that's my insecurities, not getting married yet is the right thing to do.

Having posted feeling lost, I now feel like we can move forwards.

[ThePlEWhoLovedMe]

Ok maybe going against the grain here a little. I think when you come out of an abusive relationship your understanding of normal take time to settle ... your self esteem is in tatters and you often do not trust your own judgements. I understand looking for and rechecking for red flags - but ... I think this is your problem and not the problem of a new partner.

[AmIAMug]

Thanks Yaksh. I feel a bit more together now.

I'm going to make it clear that this changes or we go. And we'll marry when I'm sure and not before.

The last thing I want is for him never to go out. Partly because then he'll never have to learn to control himself. I need to know that he can.

[Yakshemash]

You sound very grounded and thoughtful OP. I hope it all works out OK.

[AmIAMug]

Yakshe, this is what worries me. But I think it was initially nerves (he doesn't know the group that well) and then got carried away. Perhaps it does have something to do with the baby and cutting loose, and we were having tests done this week which meant we were both anxious.

XH was PA and would have done this on purpose. But dp isn't.