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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told Dh I wasn't happy - now I need advice

81 replies

Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 21:30

Some of you will know me and Dh haven't had the greatest last year.
He's been disrespectful, lazy, rude etc etc.
My argument was that it was ok because he worked hard, didnt beat me and didn't fuck other women.

We almost separated in a January then decided to have a trial few months. In that time he hasn't said he hasn't said he loves me, we haven't done anything as a couple, still haven't had sex (it's been 6 months now) and no intimacy either.
Tonight I told him I wasn't happy and he's said that I'm looking for something that nobody has, said I'm going to ruin the dcs life just because I'd prefer to be on my own, that I'm needy 'just like my mother', that everyone lives like this and he can't see what the problem is because he's quite happy!

Not sure what to say or do now, really need some opinions and advice.

He is a good father, has started taking to parties etc, started making me tea in the morning, but there is no love, intimacy or respect between us and that depresses me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 22:00

Bump, please, need some advice

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 10/03/2013 22:15

I think he's wrong that everyone lives like this. Love, intimacy and respect are part of a normal relationship, ok maybe not 24-7, but at least these things should be present in the relationship. Otherwise you might as well be flatmates.
His stance sounds pretty selfish, he's happy therefore there is no problem. It's not really good enough. I'm wondering two things. First, were things a lot better in the past - and what happened to change things? (sorry, not familiar with your story) And also, what is your approach to try to improve things? Have you suggested time together as a couple, or initiated sex, or tried to cuddle up on the sofa? Is it just him that is not really bothered or does it go both ways?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 22:22

I can't bear the thought of cuddling up on the sofa with him. Our relationship has not been like that for about 7 years, no kissing unless it was initiating sex, same for touching or closeness. We've tried to rectify it in the past but it just slips back.

I feel very lonely in my marriage, I can't stand the thought of living like this forever Hmm

OP posts:
juneau · 10/03/2013 22:28

I feel very lonely in my marriage, I can't stand the thought of living like this forever

There's your answer, right there.

The fact that you can't bear the thought of cuddling on the sofa speaks volumes too OP. It sounds like it's just a matter of time before you decide to end your marriage. It doesn't make you a selfish person. You don't have to be miserable for the rest of your life just to give your DC two parents who live (miserably) together. A happy mother would be a far greater gift to them than that.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 22:30

He thinks I'm being selfish and ruining their lives just because I'm not blissfully happy.
As always when we argue I start to doubt myself and wonder if it is right.

Do people leave marriages due to unhappiness? Does it have to be something dramatic?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 10/03/2013 22:34

Of course it doesn't have to be dramatic.

Most of the time it's this slow ebbing away of feelings until there really isn't anything left.

Unhappiness is always why OP for what ever reason.

Don't stay in a loveless relationship, ever.

ghogday · 10/03/2013 22:35

i haven't seen any of your previous threads, but reading this one, I could have written it tonight. This very night I have been told that I want out but am looking to blame him and will never be happy....chasing the elusive perfect life

we have rare affection, sex, nice words etc ... apparently he does want to have more, but does not see why the very fact that he has not bemoaned its loss over the last few years leaves me with the impression that he really isn't that bothered. Cos he's brought up the topic well lets see NEVER !!

Ok - you obv really want some advice rather than just comparing notes, this is what i've decided to do. I have written everything down a few weeks ago, re read and written in daytime and when we are not fighting. I have tried to include what (limited) I know he feels. I am going to get counselling just for me, as I feel if it is the two of us the same stalemate and comments will be aired with no resolution.

Do I ever think we will get fully back on track - no. Do I think we can get on track enough to not upset my dc and learn to manage our differences/not have the same rows over and over - yes.

I know lots on here will say that this is no way to live but we have to live with our choices. I therefore am concentrating on strategies for me to live with the choice but not let it get me down and eat me up inside.

We will be ok Wine

scaevola · 10/03/2013 22:42

Well, you said a trial few months, and he has made no perceptible effort. You've told him the trial isn't working and he's been dismissive.

It is crunch time. Either you decide to live with him like this, or you live up to your word. For although you may not have couched it in terms of an ultimatum, that's more or les what this is. Fold now, and there's no chance of him ever stepping up to the mark because he'll have seen by your actions that you'll settle for the current state of your relationship.

If you're not quite sure, then decide how much longer you'll give it, and consider telling him that you have set a deadline. Start planning now what admin you need to do to separate.

A separation does not necessarily have to be the end of he road. The realisation that you mean what you say might just provoke the kind of soul searching in him that leads him to work on himself and discover what it takes to be an adequate partner.

onefewernow · 10/03/2013 22:46

This could have been my h till last year. Not saying its the same for you, but mine was preoccupying himself with 5 plus years of Internet sex.

He knew there were things wrong alright, it's just that it suited him and he didn't want to discuss it.

That the key/ it suits him and he isnt bothered if it doesn't suit you

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 22:53

We haven't had one cross word in the last 2 months.
He gets up, makes tea, says bye, we both work all day, come home I make tea, we sit down with a cuppa and watch something or I go to bed with ds2.

That's it! That's my life, which is apparently the best it'll ever get!!'

OP posts:
thesnootyfox · 10/03/2013 23:50

It's hard isn't it? We know that it isn't a relationship and yet they are content to continue without love, intimacy and companionship.

tallwivglasses · 10/03/2013 23:57

No it's NOT the best you'll ever get! Even being alone is better than feeling unwanted and despairing. How do you think you'll be feeling in one, three, five years time if nothing changes? Your self-esteem will be rock bottom.

Trust me - no relationship is better than one with no closeness.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 10/03/2013 23:58

Moss - it's time to leave my love. You are worth so much more than this :(

There doesn't have to be something 'drastic' - what has happened to you is what happens to a lot of couples you just drift apart/stop being in love/grow apart - however, you want to phrase it.

Staying in a dead relationship isn't good for anyone, not for you, not even for him and certainly not for the children. Don't model a relationship you wouldn't want them to be in.

They can still see their Dad, stay with their Dad etc

You would be happier & that's good for everyone - even him, though he's the least of my consideration.

LuisGarcia · 11/03/2013 00:13

*My argument was that it was ok because he worked hard, didnt beat me and didn't fuck other women...

I told him I wasn't happy and he's said that I'm looking for something that nobody has*

Yes they do.

scaevola · 11/03/2013 00:23

Not having a cross word isn't a particularly good thing. If everything is fine, then anger doesn't rise. But if arelationship is running badly, and negative feelings are not expressed, then the repressed difficulties worsen.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 11/03/2013 12:57

Thank you for great replies.

He talked a bit last night, saying he can't be any different because he wouldn't be being true to himself. He said he hopes I make the right decision for the sake of the kids.

Today he has txt me to say he's tired and waiting for me to decide on his life. I said our marriage isn't healthy and not good for the dcs. He replied saying they are perfectly happy.

Don't know what I supposed to do or say

OP posts:
scaevola · 11/03/2013 13:09

When someone tells you what they are like, listen to them.

FWIW, I think it is just excuse-making to say you can't be different. Anyone (aside from those with a few specific MH issues) can change, but it can take time and extremely hard work. He's telling you that he isn't going to make that effort, and he thinks the "right" decision is one that leaves him in his comfort zone (emotionally and domestically).

Are you going to settle for that?

DistanceCall · 11/03/2013 13:46

Just bear this in mind: you are showing your children what a relationship is like.

Would you like a son or daughter of yours to live like this? Or would you rather they had a partner who loved them (and whom they love) and with whom they are happy?

For the record: my parents have been together for almost 40 years now. They love each other. They are affectionate. And I'm pretty sure they have sex. So, yes, your husband is talking out of is arse.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 09:31

Ok I get home last night and he had started dinner, for once we watched what I wanted last night and this morning I got tea in bed.

Doesn't change how I feel but what am I supposed to do now???

OP posts:
clicheboredhousewife · 12/03/2013 12:52

:( Ah, I could so write this thread. I am craving intimacy, affection and feeling like I'm the top of someones list. I dont know what you do... but I am reading along with you. Thinking of you.

tumbletumble · 12/03/2013 13:06

The problem is that he thinks he can solve things by making dinner and letting you choose the TV program whereas you're asking for love and intimacy. You can't live like this but you feel mean leaving when he genuinely is trying, in a rather clumsy way, to make you feel happier. I haven't seen your previous threads but have you tried counselling? DH and I went on a marriage course a couple of years ago which we found very helpful.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 13:14

We did relate 6 years ago, he went twice then refused to go anymore, once she started challenging him

OP posts:
meemar · 12/03/2013 13:21

Hi Mosschops, sorry you are going through this. I came across this website a while back and may be worth looking at. I'm not endorsing it in anyway - I haven't used it, but it seemed so fitting to your thread I thought it might be worth taking a look.

xx

Flisspaps · 12/03/2013 13:29

He said he hopes I make the right decision for the sake of the kids.

I think leaving would be the right decision. Not just for the kids, but for you AND him too. Your children won't thank you for giving them a loveless marriage as a template for their relationships in the future. They won't thank you for giving up your own chance of happiness so that you don't rock the boat. They might be unhappy for a short time, but they will learn to live with a new set up, and you might be quite surprised at how well they take to it!

He's guilting you into staying because he is happy with how things are, and because he doesn't want to start again. It's nothing to do with 'the kids are happy'.

tumbletumble · 12/03/2013 13:40

Tell him if he is serious about fixing things he needs to come to relate and not walk out this time.

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